drug withdrawal in a cold room
night terrors wake me up in a shake
i kept waking up thinking i was dying
it was hard to move
my head is swimming
my eyes do that vision shift thing
stomach turns, trying to kick this grip on my throat
swallow pills that turn into candy before my very eyes
take 20 of these and call me in the morning
i felt really alive for the first time in my life
even if this kills me, it was worth it
no one can possibly understand if they have never felt this way
its a feeling you can never describe
you dont know hitting bottom
all you want, ever second of every day, is for it all to be over, as soon as possible
ive uncovered all the lies i was ever told
things i believed, that i modeled my life around
ive discovered my own truths
and im happier all on my own
in a world of liars and whore, its easy to get trapped
i chewed through the ropes and slit the guards throat
if side effects are the worst thing to come of this
i'll take it with pride, like a fucking graduate diploma
im not ever going back
if i ever see anything resembling that life
im killing myself on the spot

for life
for the way things never change
for the weight we wake up to everyday
this life is no life
for the legs that just keep walking
cause they dont know what else to do
for the heart thats only purpose is to beat
not to think about why its beating
for the love were all told will come someday
and never does
for the feeling of loss
for the feeling of betrayal
for knowing that you just arent really in love
and not having the courage to be honest
for the coward in us all
for the number of times a back has been turned
for the amount of months it takes to get over it
for the way we look at ourselves in the mirror and cant even force a smile
for the countless sleepless nights
for the stomach pains
for the medical bills, the prozac, the anxiety medication, the mood stabilizers
lexapro, zyprexa, klonapin
for the way our only way out is to fill ourselves with anything
just to stop the pain
no plan you can make will ever turn out the way you wanted
life has a way of going its own way
for the people we push away
for the days weve spent in bed
for the ways we feel like complete and utter shit and cant give you a single reason why
for pointlessness
for loneliness
for the addiction to our own natural chemicals
and the addiction to the company of someone else
for the habit of isolation
for the back and forth, twist and turn, constant indecision
for the days ruined by one simple thoughtless comment
for the acceptance of what is easy and knowing it isnt right
knowing who you really are is half the battle
for the inability to stand up by yourself and not worry about the opinions of people around you
for never letting go, good or bad
for not knowing if its a good thing or a bad thing
for the judgemental attitudes
for the people who use the "dont judge me" excuse to hide behind the wrong they know they are doing
for the complete lack of faith in anyone but yourself
for the lack of faith in you by anyone else
for better or worse
for quotes that people swear by, but they do not apply to life anymore
for disappointment
disappointment.

good morning

i peel back my eyelids, waiting for a focus that never comes
my veins run thick and slow, like sap from a hole in a tree
i dont come alive very easy
almost everyday i risk falling to the floor
i stand on wobbly legs, my knees shake
my heart just isnt into being awake
i dream of better places, living better lives
i cannot wait for it to be over
the constant nagging from the world outside is more than i can stand
always wanting more from me
never satisfied with all i have to give
i dread the morning
it just reminds me that another day is approaching
and i have to fake it all over again

my legs didnt work when i woke up
my head felt like it was flowing with sludge mixed into my blood
someone must have injected me with venom while i was sleeping
this place looks the same as it always does
covered in filth, no matter how much i scrub
if life would have been the way they told me it was going to be when i was a little boy
i would have been dead much sooner
good thing ive been lied to my whole life
(theres something i never thought id say)

after a tingling in my knees, i try my legs again
its rough, but it'll do for now
you take what you can get when it comes
im trying not to breathe so hard
people as too many questions when they can see your distress
the fantasy is gone in life
nothing holds the magic it used to have
everything is so real all of the time
were a nation of people trying to dodge reality
and i wish i was among them
but my eyes are open
and i cannot stand it

the reasons

always falling forward
legs made out of numb
and i knew this whole time
that you were going to do this again
to tell you the truth i havent thought about it in a long time
its been months and no sign of you anywhere
id like to think you were dead
but lets be fair, life cant be sweeter than it already is
i destroyed all the evidence in a structure fire
may the staples in my head bring a peace ive been searching for
theres no kharma in this life for you
you'll never be any good to anyone
youre a predator posing as a house pet
a cancer with attractive features on her face
feed away. multiply
destroy life, its what youre good at, its what youre made for
its the reason that someday someone will knock you down and put you in your place
and youre not walking away unscathed
im predicting a facial scar and a limp in your future
these are the reasons flowers never came naturally for you
you had to beg me to get them
and i felt like a joke handing them to you
i swear to god i almost laughed in your face
i forgot all about you
its hard to think about any time spent with you
cause i just cant recall it ever happening
this is how much you meant to me
this was nothing at all

tiny

gentle light on my bed
as she dances in my head
making all the air so hard to breathe

shes like silk, the way she moves
someday i'll be a part of you
i will tell myself, until i cant move

i relax for just a while
as i stare, she cracks a smile
somehow everything i know just falls away

i could give up for you
do the foolish things we do
this is all i ever wanted in my life

just to be close to you
feel you breathe when im touching you
life in moments, we all need a reason to get by

fill me up, tear me down
everything is on the ground
this is all i'll ever have, all for you

lush

having fun?
does the picture look prettier from your side
cause im not seeing any beauty in this
im stuck repeating myself again
finding myself doing the things i said id never do
and for someone like you
no shower in the world can wash off how dirty i feel
i said i wanted to give it time
take it slow
slow wasnt good enough for you
pushed me into everything we ever did together
thats how you are
self centered and overbearing
never satisfied, even when you get your own way
daddys little bitch
i guess your terribly partial to cold nights alone
you still have so much growing up to do
but nothing you could ever tell me would be something i dont already know
i called it right from the start
i just didnt have the heart to turn you away
well i do now
your a sad waste of time for anyone who tries to get to know you
my stomach still turns, you make me sick to my stomach
women have been beaten to death for less
consider yourself lucky you stupid fucking whore

beautiful things

i could watch you, through a window from outside, for hours
i cant take my eyes off of you
....eyes
lets talk about eyes
everytime you look at me that way...
i dont want you to look at me that way anymore
i dont think i can take it anymore
the deepest, most heart felt pair of eyes you'll ever see
looking right into my soul
flipping on every switch in my pathetic heart
oh my aching heart
i dont know why im doing this to myself again
thats a lie, of course i do
its good to put a little ache in your heart every once in a while
just to know its still there
its fun to dabble in things that are not in my nature
but they will never be real to me
that will never be me
you will never be for me
every word lost in the wind
every breath dies before it reaches you
beautiful things do not come my way