I Do My Time

Everybody loves you

Multiple people have said to me

People respect you

Admire you

But nothing gets through

Like a dull spot in my vision

Like a frequency I can’t hear

The wiring is faulty

I can’t feel your love

An anhedonic haze

Slathered in lidocaine

Numb in only that spot

I wish I had an answer for you

I don’t know what’s wrong

This isn’t enough, somehow

So many people have cornered me

Grabbed me by the shirt

Demanded that I listen

While they try to drill into my brain

That I am loved by most

I understand it intellectually

But I feel nothing emotionally

I never wanted to be admired

I never wanted attention

I have no use for this adoration

It doesn’t sustain me or fill me up

I can’t even burn a pile of it to keep myself warm

You all love me

I feel nothing

I don’t love you

I don’t even like most of you

I tolerate the lot of you

Some of your voices are like nails on a chalkboard

Some of your company is intrusive and deflating

I wish I could return the feeling

But I can’t

Reach down for a big handful

And there’s nothing there

I keep these things to myself

Because no one wants to here the truth

It’s too sad and painful

It might ruin your day

I am uncomfortable 

Making others uncomfortable

By being myself

So I hide portions of my true self

The few who have seen it

No longer speak to me

They cut me out of their life

Like they went to drink from a cup of me

And got a wave splashed in their face instead

Everybody loves the sea

But no one loves to drown

Look but not touch

Take a taste but not a mouthful

Always too much for all of them

This feels like a curse

So close but so far away

Unending joylessness

It’s never enough

If you have nothing nice to say

Keep it to yourself and say nothing

So I do

I have nothing nice to share

I would have to lie, if I did

I’m out of lies

I’m out of answers

I just wish I were out of time

But I have too much of that

I’m not like you

I never have been

Similarities, but nothing more

No community

No tribe

Nothing to call mine

But years and miles of time

I do my time