your fault

i can barely remember it, but its in there. i remember my father calling me names when i did wrong when i was a kid. he called me names when he was angry. he would say "get outa there you little bastard. what the hell is wrong with you." sometimes i was a "son of a bitch." i remember the venom these words had and how they made me feel as a child. i felt unsafe, i felt like no one had my best interest in mind. this feeling has stayed with my into adult hood. i remember being told "quit crying or i'll give you something to cry about." my violent father who made me a violent person. i am angry with him for not having the sense enough to rise above his meager upbringings, for falling into the same traps that his parents did. 

he failed himself long before he failed me, and then he went and got married and had some kids. what the fuck was he even thinking? why did he think he could be any kind of father? the level of selfishness in this man is astounding to me. the fact that i ever called him father is disgusting to me now. he was never any father to me. i was in his way and a disappointment at every turn. it was my fault that he bore a son that was a complete opposite to him. i didn't like cars, or beer, or oil, or mechanic work. i didn't like cutting wood in a forest, and helping him out by basically being a slave. it was my fault in his mind. in my mind, he was a coward. he was a selfish coward who had no business ever having any children before he took care of the darkness in his own heart. he was just another fuck up flunky that didn't have the courage to think about the consequences of having a child, and i am the result of all that. i reject them. i am distancing myself from them because they are wretched fools who have done nothing but scar me and hurt me for my entire life. stupid people are dangerous and it doesn't get much more stupid than them. 

its been years since i've seen either of them and i can't get enough of years in between us to make the nerve less raw.