step one : admitting the problem

  lets make one thing perfectly clear. i don't understand people, especially the ones closest to me. i don't understand their logic, and it frustrates me to no end to see them behave like idiots when i know they are perfectly capable of being better. 

  the information has never been more readily available in this world yet people are still arrogant, ignorant, and stupid. no one seems to want to do the work and actually figure out anything for themselves. no one has any pride in achieving anything or accomplishing a goal. everyone is just floating along like a robots running into walls with vacant expressions. i have never been more confused and more disgusted in the things i see on a daily basis and it just makes me feel more separated and i yearn for increased isolation from these people. the fact that we have a common bond in species is enough to sicken me. i don't feel any sort of kinship to these people or any sort of pity. its only disgust and anger, and most nights it keeps me awake knowing that they are just outside the door, shooting or raping each other and licking the blood off the knife. 

  some would say that i choose to look at only the negative. i disagree, and i think the correct answer is i choose to not lie to myself or anyone else. i choose to not pull the veil over my eyes and tell everyone that everything is ok. i see what i see, and i call it like i see it. it's right in front of everyones eyes and no one wants to acknowledge it because the first step is admitting there is a problem. the first step, so they say, is the hardest step. i think the entire world has a problem with denial. your apathy and "turn the other cheek" attitude wont save the world any more than my negative outlook, so i don't feel that your ways are any better than mine, and have not gotten any better results than mine, so spare me that cop out of an excuse. 

  i live among liars and cheaters. cowards that can't consider life worth living if they have to admit all the horror and sadness that is reality in this world. i am not the fool here, my views are backed by evidence. you need only look out your front door or windows and see the truth. i don't regard my pessimistic view as one perspective of the world, i regard it as the world itself. 

  i can't see anything worse or cheap as living a life only trying to focus on the "good things". thats denial, and rationalization, and to me that is the weakest most petty thing you could possibly do as a human being and a creature of this world. that behavior will only perpetuate suffering and will only make the trauma that much worse when it all finally falls on your head, and believe me, it will. 

  what i see is conspiracy on a global scale. a mass conspiracy of liars holding up each others lies and perpetuating the lie so that everyone can walk through the wreckage and smile a fake smile in the face of the starving child begging for a hand out. my view of the world can be summed up into one little short story of the happy-go-lucky person walking the streets and ignoring the homeless and suffering that are right in front of their eyes. looking up at the clouds so they don't have to see the bleeding, dying, unhappy fellow humans begging for their help or for it to all be over. out of sight, out of mind as they say. the motto of betrayal, the motto of the happy. happiness is a false front. its a lie. it's an unattainable goal, and anyone that tells me they have achieved it, well then i will show you a charlatan, a liar. happiness is lying to yourself. happiness is the conspiracy. i will never buy into this lie. what goes up must come down, and those who buy in eventually sell out. this is written into our history and reproves itself time and again. 

  i do not believe you cowards, and i would rather die than be anything that resembles you fools.

You cunt

So you're back
Planting new evidence
And starting new fires for everyone to run around and put out
Don't look at me that way
With those big come hither eyes
You are not welcome inside of my bubble
My circle of friends walks on egg shells around your kind
You are cancer with pretty skin
This means nothing
This changes nothing
Ive got my eye on you

Walking into a therapists office is always a strange thing because your misery is a very private and personal thing and suddenly you are in an office with other people and you can't help but wonder what they are there for. Of course, for common reasons, but usually these people don't look any different than anyone else and you have to wonder what kind of darkness they are hiding. You can feel a certain sizing each other up vibe. It's weird how everyone is just sitting around each other. It's probably the biggest grouping of damaged people that are gathered which is not characteristic of damaged people. We tend to stick to ourselves and never really meet in groups. I always feel awkward, wondering what people think about me. 

sex as conquest

i have never had much of an interest in sex. it just isn't and has never been an important part of my life. its also probably why women have never been an important part of my life, and i've only had 2 girl friends in my entire 29 years. 

women literally can't stand when you don't want to fuck them, or find them desirable. they just don't know what to do because then they have no power over you. i have never seen a girl more frustrated or pissed off than i have when their advances aren't working on me. i've thrown girls out of my house, i've kicked girls out of my van on tour. i've even pulled my face away from girls trying to kiss me, even just on the cheek. 

if i don't know you, i don't trust you, and i certainly have no interest in intimacy of any kind with you. i've had girls chase me for years just trying to get my attention. honestly, i feel bad sometimes, but i'm not a fucking test, and i have no use for people who are only interested in conquering me because of some image of me being some kind of test. 

my first girlfriend chased me for two years in high school, and when i finally cracked because i felt like i had to, she even admitted to me that she was obsessed with me because i didn't pay attention to her and i was "such a mystery". she had to find out, she had to keep after me, even when i spurned her advances so hard that it made her feel like shit about herself.

she used to sit next to me in art class, not my choice, and she would try to get me to talk to her which usually ended in me rolling my eyes or just ignoring her completely. once she put her head on my shoulder, and i shrugged her off. i was pissed so i looked at her like i was wanted to punch her and i said angrily, "what the fuck are you doing?" to which she sighed and said "fuck you." like i was the one who did something wrong. so i said, "whatever, don't just fucking put your head on my shoulder. what the fuck is wrong with you?" she didn't talk to me for the rest of class, but a few days later she was back at it. 

that relationship ended in misery. i dated her for a long time. i actually dated her twice. the first time i didn't have sex with her. we dated for like a year and i didn't have sex with her cause i was a virgin at the time, she was definitely a pro at this point, and i was not ready. i just didn't care. this was a huge subject of repeated fights and arguments. she hated it. she felt gross and ugly and she felt like i didn't find her attractive, which was hard for her cause she was one of the "hot" girls in school and every guy wanted her. what an attack to her ego, but who the fuck cares how i felt, or what i was ready for. it was the most selfish exchanges i have had with a female, not many others compare, but a few do. 

im sorry ladies, but i don't want to fuck you. my dick does not control my life and showing a little more skin or flashing your eyes is not going to let you control me. a lot of people think this is sad and that my existence is miserable and dark. as a matter of fact its pretty peaceful. im not controlled by stupid fucking hormones and i stay out of trouble that can come from involvement with "pussy". 

sex as conquest is sad and boring to me. i abstain and i have contempt for most of you weak, pathetic fools. 

God and the Devil, fucking

i'll go down to the crossroads to slap the devil in his face for putting us in the middle of a cock measuring contest between him and God. we're stuck in the middle cause those two can't get along and harmony is forever broken. you selfish fucking assholes, get a hobby. one is right, ones wrong, who gives a shit, its ancient history and it doesn't even matter anymore. kiss and make up and get a room while your at it cause it looks like you two just want to fuck and get it over with. 

and i quote....months from now, or maybe even years. he's gonna be drunk somewhere telling someone "i fucked that up, badly!" this time though, its not gonna be me listening to his drunken stupor. it's gonna be someone else that he tells his sad little tales to while he stays afraid of everything and drinks his stupid pathetic life away. he doesn't have the balls to actually do something unless he's riding someone else's coat tails. this why he has no sober friends anymore, cause you can't lie to sober people and expect them to forgive you every time. he surrounds himself with drunks and junkies cause there he can be a piece of shit and sit in his filth and do nothing cause he's oh so sad. grow a pair of nuts and maybe try to at least do something with your life dude. you're almost thirty and you havent done shit, but this kid has the guts to tell me that i'm being an ass? look in the mirror, prick. you are a fuck up, and you will be a fuck up for the rest of your life because its a habit that you cant break. you will never break it, ever. you will continue this cycle of bullshit because secretly you love it, it keeps you down, keeps you sad, keeps you different. you love to be different. oh so different. thats only what you tell yourself though cause you lie to yourself. you know better than i do that you're not different, you're just a sad brain that doesnt want to do anything, has all the talent and capabilities in the world, has had all the chances in the world thrown at him, and he was just too fucking lazy to maybe pick one up and pull himself out of the mess, but no. No, just sit in the mess cause it's your home and its right where you belong. way ta go, now you've really hit bottom. when the liquor and the drugs are gone those friends are gonna send you packing and you are just gonna miss us, but you tried to have your cake and eat it too. see you on the other side, through the bars, looking in you fucking waste of time. you have yourself to blame. no, im not perfect either. im flawed and scarred just the same. what makes me different, is i do what i say im gonna do. i set goals and accomplish them. i may be fucked up but i put my money where my mouth is and do everything i set out to do. you, all you do is talk. you've always been and always will be, ALL  TALK. thats you in a nutshell. you talk a great game, but when it comes to action, theres nothing to back you, theres no force in your punches. big mouth, thats all you are, and this is coming from another big mouth, but i talk because i have something to say and the means to back it up. you, you just like to hear yourself talk. you're a fool, and you're just too lazy to give a shit so you just want to rot away. well fuck you, im not gonna sit around and watch you do it. fuck you and everything you ever fucking said to me you spineless coward. have fun driving drunk, this time im not gonna rescue you. hows that ankle? stings dont it? still not enough of a reminder for you to change it up, nope, you're still gonna drink, cause thats what fuck ups do. have a nice life kid, you aint worth it.