were coming into october of 2012. lets see if this is the end of the world. the worst part is that its not the end of the world. its not the end of anything but the mayan calendar. this is the worst era to be alive, the worst time to be alive. the world is full of miserable shit heads and idiots. i just want it to be over so bad. im so tired of everything. tired of life and all of its ups and downs. im tired of having to work a dead end job because there is no jobs and not even wanting a real job in the first place. im tired of my mental illness and having to make excuses for the sputtering, malfunctioning unit inside my skull when it lashes out. im tired of seeing tons of people everyday come and go and pass me by that don't understand me at all and wouldn't even if they tried. im tired of this so called family that destroyed me from the inside out and now that i am a monster they abandon me and turn their backs on me. im tired of mother and father being only a word with no meaning to me. im tired of this desperate room with these mountains of crap that i don't want or need. im tired of everything i have to do to try to survive this constant transition when all i want to do is lie down and give up. 

i was never asked how i felt about life in the first place, i was never given a choice to be born or not. i ended up in an era where there is nothing left. all the great opportunities and amazing things of the twentieth century have all been used up and i am left here to figure out where to go and what to do next. i am out of ideas, i am out of patience, i am out of care. i have no love, barely a life, and everything is an agonizing, jaw breaking yawn.

at this point in my life i don't trust anyone and have no reason to. my therapist says i keep re-traumatizing myself, and i say 'so be it'. i am this way out of survival. she says she wants me to actually live and enjoy life instead of just surviving. this concept is laughable to me, and all i have to do is look out of a window to see how moot that point is. maybe im just an asshole and i don't see it, but it seems to me that we are experiencing the death rattle. the only thing i can really do is music, and that is not self sustaining anymore. its a sad shell of its former self and it just makes me sad and angry. i want to lash out and choke all these stupid little assholes that killed the thing that i love. 

i don't know how to stop being angry. today everywhere i look i see only evil. i see only ugliness and i don't know how anyone can ignore it or having that balls to ask me to ignore it. i feel it like nails on a chalk board, i feel it like a house on fire. the panic is intense.

how long will it be before the fear of pain isn't enough to stop me anymore? how long till they find me cold and lifeless, frozen in the position i died in? how long do i have to take this? how long CAN i take this? i really, truly do not know what to do anymore.