day of anxiety

I always know its coming. I always have the worst anxiety on my birthday because its the one day of the year where everyone steps out of bounds under some hair brained idea of tradition that I never agreed to in the first place. I never got a say in it, but for some reason people think that its the one day of the year when I will be ok with their intrusion in my life.

Its twenty four hours of phone calls, texts messages, and facebook messages that I have to dodge from people who mean well but don't realize that what they are doing is on par with cutting a piece of skin off of me. This is who I am. This is the person I am. I cannot help it. It's reinforced by 32 years of living and it's not going to ever change. I do not like people sending me well wishes. It is a useless, trivial thing for me and it's just a reason for someone to get in my face. I do not feel these bonds and these traditions that everyone else shares. I'm just different. As pretentious, and vomit inspiring it is to just even type that, the truth is what the truth is. I have been this way since I was a kid. 

My mother would find me in my room playing with my toys alone while all my cousins and friends and family were out in the other room celebrating. I wanted to be alone, it just makes sense to me. I enjoy my toys and my trinkets and my things as a solitary thing. If other people are around I don't feel that I can involve myself as deep as I want to and it feels unsatisfying. My mother would scold me and make me feel like a piece of shit for hiding away from all these people that came to see me. She would call me selfish, which is a nice abusive way to treat a kid. Thanks mom, great parenting you miserable cunt. I will give her the fact that no one understood introversion in her days, so no, she didn't understand, but she punished me for being the way I am and I just cannot ever get over that. It has done permanent damage to me that I still feel as an adult so I don't feel that I have anything to forgive. She refuses to admit that she made mistakes and looked me right in my eyes and told me that she never hit me when I clearly recall every single instance of violence from my mother during my childhood. She made me a violent, volatile person because she couldn't understand who I was. She wanted to break me like a horse, but I have always had a strong will and I never let her get away with it. I stood my ground and I raised myself, so I don't owe that horrible woman even a second of my time.

The fact that I am even alive and well today is a miracle in my eyes. I was sure I was going to die in my twenties. I had made my peace with it, and it never happens, so now that I have surpassed the cut off point that I allowed myself, I'm just kinda floating around unsure of what to do next. 

I live for myself now. I'm sure there is some selfishness in there, but for the most part I am very giving and compassionate to people. I think most of the people who know me can attest to that. I like to help people. I have counseled countless friends and acquaintances, been trusted with things that I have never told a soul. Things that most people wouldn't even believe, I have been involved in and done. No one ever had my best interest in mind when I was a kid, it was always there, so now that I am an adult and its on my terms, well, I'm taking the reigns and doing whatever the fuck I want. I went through hell to get here. I have seen horrors that you could only imagine and I fucking earned this right to be even a tiny bit selfish. You'll have to forgive me. 

The best thing I have ever done for myself is to become brutally honest with myself and be extremely self aware. Through this process I have really truly learned what makes me tick and I have come to accept myself in all my flaws and eccentricities. This is all a part of the puzzle that is 'me'. 

Now it sounds like I think very highly of myself, but the truth is I don't. If I'm being honest I really don't consider myself most times which is a bad habit I got into in childhood. A lot of times I don't really like myself or how I feel inside. I've struggled with depression since childhood and the abuse I was subjected to has left me with a very broken sense of self but I am still here and I am still picking up the pieces and working on it so it shaped me into this person who doesn't fully like himself but accepts himself and will give himself credit where credit is due.

I may be a psycho, but most people know that I would give them the shirt off my back if they truly needed it, and I am confident enough to know that I've proven that to people that are close to me. I also am realistic to the world and I realize that there are mostly predators and leeches out there who will take whatever they can get from me, so I am cautious and hold people at a distance, cause most of the time they don't even know that they are leeches and predators. They have no idea that they are awful, blood sucking monsters, and I have to keep my distance and sift through them for my own personal health and safety. 

And honestly, I don't even consider myself a psycho. That's just a word I use to break it down into simpler terms and relate to people. Most would just rather write me off as a weirdo and if thats what it takes for them to leave me the fuck alone then its a badge I wear with pride. I truly believe that for all my flaws and history, the problem isn't me, its you. People tend to go unchecked in their privileged little lives cause they've never had cause to check themselves or even look into themselves. Most people think the whole world revolves mostly around them so they take things personal and can't stand when someone truly has no use for them or their company as if its the biggest insult someone could ever lay on you. 

This is especially tricky for girls. The typical woman nowadays is used to being able to string a man along and work him. They don't have to pay for drinks at the bar, they get gifts, they are showered with the good life. Thats a usual american scenario. I have no interest or use for anything of this sort in my life. I will not buy a woman a drink. I don't drink and I will not put my money down for a drink. I will not be strung along. If you want to be with me then we will have full disclosure right away or I walk. I do not need you.

The weird thing that happens is that these girls will see me ignoring them and being uninterested and suddenly I'm the one they want. It's flattering but I am not trying to run a game on you. I'm not paying attention to you because I do not want to know you. Again, its nothing personal, I am just very selective about who I let into my little world. I don't know why it happens but girls love the challenge and they think they can win me over. The few times it has happened it always ends bad. They cannot grasp the concept that I do not want to have sex with them and that there is truly nothing in here for them. For me, its bizarre. I don't really feel like I am something that would ever be good for them. I'm trying to do them a favor by staying away. No one should be subjected to someone like me. I will wear you down, but they keep coming if I don't keep my head down, which I do so it's not so much a problem anymore. It's just a really weird observation. Is it really all that easy? Most men I've met would love to have cracked some sort of code like that. It's never been an interest of mine. Girls are nice, i appreciate them and respect them very much. I've been around women my whole life. My mother removed my father from my life so I've known a woman's world more than I have ever known a man's world. I just have no interest in being with lots of women. I really don't and never have. Most men want to fuck anything that moves, hormones raging. Maybe I have some sort of hormone imbalance or something, who knows, I just couldn't give less of a fuck about sex as conquest. I have better shit to do.


So anyway, I just like being left alone. I don't think I am asking much of people. I can't stand that bombardment of harassment just because it happens to be the day I was born. I reject these traditions. I have removed the essentials from my life because they were taking up space and I needed the room for things that suit me better. Yet, every year, even though I have already spelled it out a thousand times for people they still just don't get it. What they see as a harmless gesture is quite harmful and jarring to an introvert. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm trying to make you understand which is more than I should even have to do. I don't have to explain myself. I do it for your benefit. It saves a lot more head aches, but please, for the love of nothing, leave me the fuck alone. Right me off as a miserable grump. I'm fine with that. Hell, be mad at me! That's great. Whatever you gotta do to put it in your head to avoid me. This is my choice. This is what I would like from you. The path of least existence.