Stay for the Pain

whats more selfish?

the man who takes his own life

or the people who want him to stay in pain

because they don't want to have to deal

with death and loss

you can paint yourself prettier in the picture

but it doesn't make it so

no one wanted to do anything

when there was a chance

now that its too late

everyone has to choke on it

the real tragedy

is that someone wasn't paying attention

to the warning signs

and now it's too late

no one can help you ease your heart

Continue reading →

Ruined Lives

it only goes so far

till you're stretched out on the floor

burnt out beyond capacity

and wondering how the hell

you're gonna keep this up

this machine feeds on the weak

who are born into the line

all sense of pride and self respect

quickly beat out of them

like tenderizing the meat

before you eat it

cynicism is only for the good days

theres not even much of that left

just routine and numb

the mind can only take so much

before it fragments

compartmentalize your agony

and pretend its happening to someone else

all thats left is a shell

and thats all they want anyway

there's no regard for the content inside

in an entire lifetime you won't earn

what it takes to matter to the world

you'll never be something remembered

just another body that will eventually be forgotten

in time, no one will know you ever existed

or will anyone that knew you

fill your life with empty gestures

live your house with objects that only

serve as an attempt for meaning

but emptiness persists

cause inside of you there is a hole

and nothing in this world has ever

or will ever fill it

Continue reading →

Ursus

you can feel it now

this is the true moment

when everything has shifted

violently into place

when deserters are punished

and betrayal is avenged

pupils shrink in horror

you can always see it in their eyes

we don't need you

you wasted your golden opportunity

like you wasted your life

and I'm gonna make you swallow the regret

every bitter and jagged edge of it

down your gullet

like the fat piece of shit you are

Continue reading →

No Man

big man
proud as hell
boy, they'll really be afraid of you now
yeah, keep running
running away from being that scared little boy
of being like your father, that bastard, that coward
he never met a man he didn't hate
never met a bottle he didn't break
and his blood is on your hands
so go on, big man
big scary man
people are afraid of you
afraid to get near you
your voice, like trumpets
just like his
shaking the walls of the house
now he's a man, and a liar
so which one are you?
you chose
who's side are you on?
it's all on you
and now you're a man
you look down and you see his hands
but those are your hands now
who are you?

are you a liar?

are you a drinker?
without a drop?
are you a womanizer?
obsessed with your cock?
are you drowning in alcohol?
do you smell like oil?
like cigarette stains
in a house in the woods
what a fucking man
proud till the end
dying alone
the walls closing in
what a fucking life
what a fucking man
burned out shell
of a working man

a father's pride
a father's plague
a shadow you walk
at the mouth of a grave
so cheat em' all
destroy in his name
a defeated man, by his own hand

so look at you now, big man
likes to beat on the weak
likes to throw his weight around
you were never the man for me
you were never there for me
a man didn't make this man
a man didn't raise this man
that man didnt make me a man
that man never showed me how to be a man
i am no man Continue reading →

Still Haven't Died Yet

You could set a watch to the time and consistency of my ability to get something good going and somehow fuck it up for myself.

All my hero's were all smoke and mirrors. The dream is dead and bloated, with flecks of glitter still clinging to it's partied out corpse. I am too old.

I never wanted this, any of it. I'm condemned to a life of nothing by nobody from nowhere. Never have my breakthrough. Never have success.

One too many times with my head in the clouds and now I have to prepare for the rest of my boring, pathetic life. Nothing to show for anything. Lack the constitution for suicide. A regular jack off, mean tempered and bitter. Thrown into my grave bitching about something.

Doom is for the downtrodden. The ones who lack the proper wiring. Continue reading →

Boring Chemical Dependency

love was never what everyone told me it would be

sex wasn't either, for that matter

neither of them saved my life

or made much of a difference

i've gone long periods without them

and never gave it much thought or missed them

i miss who i was before these things became a factor

before it was expected of me as an adult

the loneliest times i've ever had

were when i was in love

and sex has always been a boring chemical dependency

you turn that switch on

and you can't turn it off

it's nothing more complicated than that

the older i get

the more the idea screams at me

to leave all these shit heads behind

and get the fuck out of this place

to never introduce myself

to another person ever again

and never let anyone in

cause none of them fucking deserve it anyway

earn it

or keep walking

Continue reading →

Red Sea

Continue reading →

Snake in the Grass

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​
Septic poisonous person
Bile and venom spills from her mouth
Begs me to fuck
Begs me to coddle her insanity
Throws herself on my life
Like a fish net, trapping me in
Top of the list of horrible ideas I've ever put into fruition
My stomach ached in repulsion
Warning me of the monster in front of me
Posing as a house pet
A psychotic mess of fear and rage
Mad at every man who ever honored his nature
And she couldn't make a man give up himself for her
She wanted ownership
She wanted complete manipulation
Flowers for whores
Cowards hide their intentions
Calling her a snake is an insult to snakes
She's chaos incarnate
The wrath of victims who couldn't find the courage
To actually become what they wanted to be
There is no forgiveness in my heart
For the likes of you
You sold me out
To be enticed by darkness
You let a virus infect you
Warp your mind and blind you
You let the superficial gloss over your life
All the things you ever made me believe that you were
You threw away to be a coward
You never had any integrity
Just another scared little girl
Who needs someone powerful to feed off of
Before my days are over
I will crush your throats under my boot
I will take what you owe out on your hide
And i will crush all your dreams before your very eyes Continue reading →

Victim

So many holes in your story
So many lies to keep up
Keeping yourself going
By using the lies as fuel
Insulating yourself with bullshit
To keep you warm at night
I know it chews you up
And I know the chaos in your mind
And it's more than you deserve
It's easy to go wander through life
Never taking any responsibility for yourself or your actions
Blaming others for the fires you start
While your dumb little drone
Fills your pockets with cash
And fills your face with drugs
All the substances that white skin can buy
And all the double standards
That a pussy can generate
Throw enough wrenches in the gears
And you can stop the machine from driving over you
You're not cut out for this
Soon enough these walls are going to fall on top of you
This will end in tears
And a good helping of "it's not fair" speeches
You live life like a dog
Expect to walk in shit Continue reading →

Now You See Us

Restless and anxious
We claim our dependents
Ripe for the plucking
But not worth forgiving
Everyone everywheres
Got better ideas
Just shun the man
Break him down
Discredit his intelligence
There's bigger pictures here
It doesn't have to be
Alway rubbing elbows
And dreams that we will never see
This is what you wanted
But it doesn't fit the door
When you got it home finally
You only wanted more

We are lost in this circle

I have an opinion
That's built upon facts
Cause I read a million words
And I follow all the tracks
While you sit there in your dirty clothes
And talk to me of blame
Well you only need a mirror
And your illusions of fame
This argument is boring
But there's nothing better to do
But abuse the lesser beings
With my very special brew
They try to jump inside me
Cause it worked with all the rest
But I'm wired very different
Like there's a bomb in my chest
We all know it's not forever
But we're fighting like it is
Holding onto little pieces
That we don't want to miss
Have you ever stopped to think
That maybe you aren't doing the work
And other people like me
Are drowning in the murk
This is not a place for everyone
I'm sorry for you fear
But mine has died a long time ago
And it left me right here

Continue reading →

Seeping Cracks

It's hard, sometimes, to remember you're still alive
When everyone ignores you
When no one acknowledges your presence
Or looks you in the eye
Strange things happen to the mind

Sit inside yourself long enough
And the outside world doesn't seem worth going back out into
All the horrors of the times
Running rampant and unrestricted
The worst of all junkies
Have a nation of their own
Dogs whimper and cry out in pain
Bones with decaying flesh still on them
Taught and covered in flies

The flowers smell nice but they are still just growing among the weeds
Death is not the problem
Death is a friend
Death is a relief from suffering
Life is, and has always been, the problem

Continue reading →

Solid Grey

Everyday I wake up sad and angry
I open my eyes to ache and misery
My muscles argue with me
My chemicals imbalance
The urge to curl into a ball and cry
Is always present
I force myself, through sheer will, to get up
To pull dirty clothes on my ravaged body
To put one foot in front of the other
And try to suppress this feeling
I never wanted any of this
I had no desire for a long life
It was over, for me, not long
After it began
No house, no wife
No picket fence and a dog
No future for my kind
Just a man sized grave
For my eventual bones
I never had it in me to care
I was cursed with a sight beyond sight
To see through the veil
And see it for what it really is
Smoke and mirrors
The only reason I am not dead yet
Is because someone else would be devastated
If I were dead
I cannot hurt someone else
So I hurt myself instead
I remain in agony
To appease other people
Sometimes I’m not sure who’s the bigger coward Continue reading →

Dirtgrub

Your opinion is worth shit to me.
You don’t have the IQ enough
to have an opinion.
Keep your unsolicited counterfeit two cents to yourself
and the rest of the morons stupid enough to listen to you.
You want to start a war,
I’ll bring an entire ocean of warships down on your fucking head.
No one knows there place anymore
Step a toe out of line and you will eat the very ground beneath that line
I’ll feed you to the fucking dogs
You’re gonna learn respect if i have to carve it on your fucking tomb stone
No wash up fucking bitch is gonna tell me up from down
When the gloves come off
And this beast gets out of his cage
I’ll have you drowning in your own tears
You haven’t had a nightmare in your life that can hold a candle to me
Shut your worthless fucking mouth
Lesser people get treated like lesser people
And when you get to big for your britches I will cut you the fuck down like every asshole before you
Try and take me on
Bigger and badder motherfuckers have tried
And all of them failed
The fact that I am even standing here
Is a testament to my strength
And you couldn’t last an hour in what I’ve been through
Know your role
Sit the fuck down
And keep your lips together
Cause nothing that comes from them when they part
Is of any consequence to real life
Here’s a lesson you apparently have to learn the hard way
You’ll need me
Before I ever fucking need you Continue reading →

Plate Tectonics

​

Had to steal a minute just to get some time to myself

Just need to breath and let myself adjust to the pressure

Everything is so hectic and rushed in the morning

It takes me at least an hour to catch up

I'm so tired of feeling like this

Thirty four years

And still such a rotten existence

It's never gone away

There was no truth to be found

It's all just empty space

I'm forced into slave labor

With morons who can barely tie their shoes

Dead eyes and drunken hearts

Anger you can smell in the air

But they all want to be your friend

Keep your enemies close, they say

I don't want to know any of these people

The more I learn about them

The more disgusted I feel

Learning where the bad in them

Finally reared its head, in their lives

Where being a louse had overstayed it's comfort

And real life showed up

The way they handled it

Or let it mangle them

Is where the lines are drawn

Worthless flesh on bones

Dry rot and hollow through

Your lives and watching you live them

Are the cause for my stomach pains

Are the reason I cringe to get out of bed in the morning

All these years later

I still feel so trapped

Continue reading →

Snowflakes

​

Gather arm in arm in public places

March on some stupid cause

To make yourselves feel better and nurse your sore ego

Sign petition after petition

And swallow it down

When nothing changes

And your tears haven't moved a single thing

Voice your stupid opinion

Like you're smart enough to have one at all

Sing your outrage as the shock and awe culture stirs it's ugly pot one more time

And hide from the fact that you're all going home empty handed

With nothing accomplished

And a hard pill to swallow

This is your life

And the world around you doesn't give a shit about it

Or you

Reality is a slab of ice

Don't fall and break your hip

Continue reading →

denial//futile

you ever get tired of being a witness
to the end of american civilization?
like watching a fat man choke to death
because he ate too fast and chewed too little
before he swallowed

love has become about possessions
and not about two people

the evolution will be ostracized

I’m so tired of the answers being so obvious
being so disgustingly easy
but the problem grows into full blown disease
an epidemic of gold digging whores
and narcissistic dick heads
smelling each others asses

corporatocracy has finally succeeded
the virus killing the host
we have all been divided and conquered
and i had no choice but to abandon them all
when you’re holding the pieces of everything you love
don’t you dare fucking cry
you don’t get to cry
you get to watch it all crumble
and the streets run with blood
before you yourself die

i live in a world of fucking morons
cowards in the deepest sense of the word….

denial Continue reading →

the perfect sound of spinning wheels

oh fellow humans
You mean nothing to me
Stand at each end of the room
And someone is going to decide
That one is better than the other
We have walled off all the truth
And simple nature of things for ourselves
Adapt your surrounding
To fit your need
Because we are too insecure
To adjust ourselves
To our surroundings
How many times have you heard
Someone say
They just can't deal with this

Stagger from room to room
On whatever poison you take
Looking for purpose
In a society of illusions
Find someone who loves you
Or at least thinks they know
How to love at all
Watch the sink hole open up
And the city fall in

Watch the gun men pull the mask
Over his face as he arms himself
Takes aim as he walks passed you
And never utter a sound to alert anyone
Keep walking at a slow and steady pace
As the illusion shatters behind you
In a hail of gunfire
When you lie to yourself
In a myth called society
You build your foundation
On shoddy bricks
When throwing rocks
Inside glass houses
Aim for the ceiling
And do not move an inch
As the shards of glass
Fall faster towards you
And cut you to pieces
We deserve all of this pain we are in Continue reading →

Vermin

Broken people are all I see
Dysfunctions with opposable thumbs
We're dying
Cause we refuse to evolve
Scared little primates with weapons
Of mass distraction
Averting their eyes at the void we are headed towards
While asshole politicians hold their chins above the water
And tell us we're not drowning
Waking up everyday in this towering nest of vermin
Is smothering all the energy from me
Consuming me
Feeding off of me Continue reading →

Something in the New York Air

There's something in the New York air
That smells like fear
And when the wind blows just right
It smells like anger
You can feel the internal furnace turn on
Like any fire you've ever stoked
Roaring to life
You see danger in every pair of eyes
Desperation makes an emotionally unstable human being
Everyone I pass
Looks like an animal ready to pounce

We wonder where the violence comes from
Two days into a new place
And some poor kid gets shot in the back of the head
Mere blocks from my house
And another black kid
Grows to be a man while in prison
The coffers of the local government
Gets fatter and more corrupt
Blood money paid to bastards
Snakes in expensive suits
Drunk on power and insulated by wealth

Trying to get ahead in New York
Is like pushing the rock up the hill
Sysiphus in all his glory
Grins at me
While I push my own rock right next to him
New York is one part shopping mall, one part prison
You gotta break out to get out of here

So I don't feel that I have to explain myself
To fools who have the nerve to ask me
Why I am so angry all the time Continue reading →

letter to my uncle lee

hey man. 

im sitting here listening to music and it always comes back to me that i owe a lot of good taste to you. you made me a music fan, not just a music listener. you taught me to listen to the details and the songwriting and the harmonies. this is shit that im still using to this day. i barely use a damn thing i learned in school!

it was vital for me and i can't thank you enough for it. i know you're kinda like me, you're not good with compliments so its ok if you don't have much to say back. i just want to make sure that you are aware of what you did for me when i was younger. my life has been full of many great things because of simple tools that you gave to me. you should sleep easier at night knowing that. for all your flaws that you may have, or any sort of thing that weighs on you and makes you feel bad about yourself, this is one thing that you should feel good about cause im alive and well and its your doing.

you saw yourself in me and you acted on it, and because of that i have helped other people the way you did. i have counseled friends. i have a friend whos family basically adopted me when the things went down with my mom. her youngest daughter, justine, calls me her brother and i am close with her like you were with me. we do everything together. we've been through everything together. she tells me her darkest secrets. my thoughts always somehow end up going back to you. you may have had some angry times, and volatile times, but you were real with me and i respected you for it, and it allowed me to find the courage to come out of my shell.

you developed the artist in me.

and the world didn't get to me in time, it failed to crush my dreams and now I am still here living them out and living my life of art and music. i am immersed in it and its my life and i couldn't think of a better life for myself. thanks for kicking my ass into shape and picking me up and dusting me off where my mother failed. 

i love you, pal. i recall those memories of when i was a kid a lot. they are fond memories and when i go through my comics it all comes back to me. you saved a good life, and i've done amazing things with it, and the best is yet to come.

take care man.

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this man saved my life and is the sole person responsible for me being who i am. I would have never had the courage to become who I am if not for this man who stood against the oppression of his family, who stood against the ridicule of his sisters for years to nurture the artist in me. all i can do is try to make him understand what he did for me. what NO ONE could do for me. many have tried, many have failed. this man did it with grace and style. the coolest man i ever met is my uncle lee. loud booming voice, big smile, and a joke to make you laugh. never afraid to make a fool of himself to make someone else laugh while everyone else at the party is looking at him like he's an asshole cause thats how my family is. he always stood up against the bullshit and he was a shield for my protection. i haven't had many in my life but this one was enough. we don't see each other as often as we should. he is now married and living a county over and just trying to stay afloat in life while I am busy with my rich life of playing music and touring the country. 

i feel like theres a sacrifice somewhere in there that he made for me, and i'll be damned if i let this depression thing burn me out because he gave me fire in life and taught me how to live it. i forget sometimes, but i'm still picking myself up because of him, because of my niece, because of shaun luu. i have to ride this thing out to the end. no matter how many times i want to quit or i feel like im getting in over my head. i just have to ride this thing out cause they did this for me.

Continue reading →