blood relative

i wont pretend that i dont remember anymore
how could i forget
being made to feel pathetic, and told id be nothing without you
i grew into a man and tossed away everything you ever taught me
and the sky opened up
and i felt love for the first time in my goddamn life
the endless cycle, histories of abuse
but were not supposed to talk about it, are we?
this family was built on denial
and abuse is the mud between the bricks
i dont need you anymore
it ends where i end it
cause i am stronger than all of you
and i have the courage to say whats wrong
and stand, outcast, in the midst of all of you
your shame dies with you
i wont be around anymore
i wont be a part of this
i will not be a witness to the passing of the abusive torch
you are nothing to me
and i am better off without you
go live your lie
bury yourself in it
its blinding that way, isnt it?
you dont feel the guilt that way
a buried piece of shit is still a piece of shit
fuck all of you, every one of you
youre not dead to me
you never existed

not special

broke her leg chasing boys on the highway
cars were made to crash
visible bone, right through the skin
reach for the wheel, degenerate swine come calling for the next of kin
this is where we draw our lines
hung too tight to the words i say
well i feel sorry for you
hang on that
nothing can stop you, your beauty is invincible
just party harder, it'll set the bones stronger
ive got it bad for you
but that doesnt mean youre the only straw to grasp to
youre not the only noose tied around my neck
rubber tight around my arm
can you feel a vein
fill me with anything
youre not special, i do this to myself
youre no different from the rest of the scenery

our lord and saviour

they burn churches trying to smoke out a saviour
trying to make an illusion answer for its crimes
ive lost all patience for the fools of this world
what do we do when debunking the myth becomes an obsession
suddenly everything has lost its spark
all thats left is bitterness
and a love for shoving it in their faces
whatever gets you out of bed in the morning
but what do you do when it doesnt work anymore
when the flowers lose their scent
and my eyes wont see color
everything is just circling the drain
the only thing that changes is my apathy
ever increasing contempt
and the world keeps getting slower

hands will shake

cold and humble 

when you realize you're in too deep

kicking yourself for moving with your eyes closed again

this isn't the first and it wont be the last

when every face you see makes your throat close up

and your fists tighten

when tendons in your wrists scream that you've gone too far

but the pain makes it alright for just a second

bearable for only a breath

when you know your heart isn't supposed to beat like that

and your hands have never shaken like that before

but you hope that its finally over and the feeling means something more

sometimes i cant go outside

it scares the hell out of me

and on those days, i fall apart

it dulls everything so nothing i do cures the boredom

its so frustrating

being miserable when their isnt anything wrong

what the fuck is someone like me

supposed to do with something like that

square one

back at square one
and trying not to beat myself up about it
im learning a lot about myself these days
im learning about why i react to certain things like i do
it feels good to have a finger on where it all started
why its so easy for me to be negative
and hard to be positive
why compliments feel like a sucker punch in the stomach
and why life always seems a little less bright
but im on the right path
and thats as good as anything i've been able to say
for quite some time