death to hearts

she puts my face down into the mud

presses her foot against the back of my neck

she lets me up for a minute

looks at me with worried eyes

and asks me "are you ok with this"

i tell her yes 

cause i dont want her to feel bad

but i am not ok with this

i dont want to be here

i dont want my face in this mud

but i cant stand to hurt her

i cant stand to see her struggle

with the fact that what shes doing

is affecting me in a negative way

this has become my life

getting my face pushed in mud

getting walked on

and trampled over

getting things that twinge my heart

paraded in front of my face

and all i can do is smile

and wait until it doesnt affect me anymore

wait until my heart finally dies

until theres nothing left to lose

and i dont care anymore

this is my lot in life

im not allowed to be the one 

to teach people not to hurt other people

im just the one who always gets hurt

cause im not willing to do the hurting

i will get walked on for the rest of my life

because i care too much

and i have too much faith in fantasies

my heart will one day die

and maybe when it does

i'll still be alive

to walk among the crowd

and not feel a goddamn thing

and not have to worry about

the people around me

the ones who tell me they care about me

so i wont have to care about them

i wont have to care about anybody

it just gets in the way

cowardly fawn

im tired of this game
where we fence around each others spite
and you dodge responsibilty at all turns
you surround yourself with things
and people that tell you what your doing is ok
you believe your own lie
but youre not strong enough to build good walls
and were coming on through
i can see right through you
immersed in the lie
the truth is youre just a brat
and to admit that
would be to admit fault
but to admit fault
would be to admit the lie
and then the bricks come crashing
down on your head

youre not different
youre not unique
youre just like everyone else
you just wear brighter colors
this free spirit kick your on
is worn thin
youre just an asshole
who doesnt want to have to do anything
that would entail facing demons
and dealing with the depression

get off your fucking ass
youre not better than anyone else
and you have to suffer this
just like everyone else

i forsee abandonment in your future
when the lie catches up to you
and you have no one left to turn to
youre gonna lose it all
and im gonna watch

ive never known a bigger coward
and thats saying something

homewrecker

im gonna murder you with this knife in my back
and there isnt a goddamn thing you can do to avoid that
because you deserve it
you dont wreck somebodys home
just because you have nothing
you dont get to take from me
i see the game your playing

these wounds you opened on me
will be the death of you
i am not merciful
i will kick when youre down
lets be clear
i want you gone
erased from history
out of the picture
i want to slander your name
be the reason youre afraid to go anywhere alone
i want to be the pit in your stomach
the nightmares that wake you up
this will end badly for you

i want to smash that stupid fucking face
destroy your sense of pride
rape and invade the very heart of you
right down to your core
you take from me
i take even more from you

you will never again appear
attractive to anyone
visibly scarred for life
and made to walk in shame
you think you were alone before?
now you'll be alone forever
dieing alone
with the memory of it all
that you pushed one step too far
and crossed one line that shouldnt
have been crossed
played with fire
got burnt bad

its your fault
you asked for it all
your actions result
in consequences
i will tear your world apart
piece by worthless little piece
its become my new hobby
this shit is fun for me
to see you in pain
to see you regret it

dont rush

dont rush into telling someone that you love them
even if you do
that is a hurtful word
and when the love fades
that word falls on your head
taking all of the life out of the room

its not something you bounce back from easily
it gives definition to the absence
it makes you look around the room
and feel how truly empty it is

love isnt enough
it doesnt keep the interest
it doesnt stop them from finding something better
it doesnt keep them around

it only hurts more when they leave
when they say goodbye
when they tell you they will keep in touch
and never do
when you only get to see them
for a couple hours of the day
when you know what they are doing
when they are not with you

they've found something better than you
and even though you still mean a lot to them
everyone only looks out for themselves

scared little child

sometimes youre such a cliche that its disappointing
you throw words around
saying what you think you should say
to counter the things you've said
that you used to think you were supposed to say
always doing and thinking exactly how you think youre supposed to
never really knowing who or what you are
and blaming the world for it
the world never gave a shit about any of us
youre just a scared little child
with daddy issues
and a smug sense of going against the grain
being controversial doesnt make you a legend
everybody can tell that you say it
but you dont mean it
you dont really feel it
and admitting that is a war you never want to face
so yea, youre just a thing to someone
im sorry youre not special
im sorry that you dont count
but the gums keep flapping
and you are still nothing but talk
with no traction and the word "go"

left behind

she left me with a suddenness like whiplash
i never expected to hurt like this
i never expected she of all people would do this to me
you look for where to place the fault
but people have to follow their pathetic hearts
cause thats the way we are wired

you resent the reasons
you resent the result
every way out shines bright as the sun
escape seems like the best idea
but you cant turn and run
cause theres nowhere to go
except gone for good

you think about the people
the ones that say they love you
and how you cant do that to them
you cant interrupt their happiness
to pine over shit like you
to miss your stupid face
and the way you lie to them

she jumped ship with speed and accuracy
too fast to believe it wasnt planned
i am left with the void
with the throb of her abscence
weighing in my heart
pulling down each day
making everything a little less fun

we used to dream together
we built fantasies the likes ive never seen
entire dream worlds
where we were happy forever
then she quit the team
she brought me out
into this world i would never have gotten to alone
i would never have wanted to go to alone
and then she left me here
the only reason for me being here

anger management problems

my rage is a well oiled machine
its chrome shines and its teeth are bared
there isnt a scratch on it
it is flawless and strong
and willing to take on any foe

my rage is in peak physical condition
it breaths fire and is fuel by your fears
it knows no boundaries
it doesnt get cold
it doesnt feel heat
it doesnt listen to reason
and you cannot tell it to stop

my rage is a bull with horns
protecting an otherwise fragile creature
all it sees is red
and it wants the damage to happen
it wants everything to come crashing down around it
and to burn even the ashes
it breaks bones
chews through wood
it doesnt recognize loved ones or friends
everyone is a target

i keep it in a cage
wrapped in chains
with a big fucking lock
and still it can break through
with ease
it taunts me through the bars
laughs at my weakness
it tells me i need it
that it has gotten me this far
and everything i have
i owe to my rage

its the only lesson ive ever been taught
that i didnt learn was bullshit
its the only thing there for me
when everything else has gone away
it is the greatest weapon ive ever held
and it works every time
like a drug to numb the pain
it gets the job done
and it makes everything go away

the truth isnt worth it

feeling dead inside again
the stomach pains, a reminder
never do this again
ive never been good at listening to reason

somewhere she cries into her pillow
and i wish i could make her feel even worse
to strap her down and let out every bitter word
snap her sense of self worth
and break down everything she ever built up

bastards act in such ways
cowards only dream of it
the person i should be blaming
wont look at me in the mirror

the wind blows cold against the house
and it makes my bones ache
i pull the shades as the sun is coming
up over the horizon
in this dark i can hate myself
and not have to worry about being caught

im tired of living the truth
when everyone wants the lie
nothing feels like home
when youre the only one to admit it
the days fade into each other
more and more people turn away
and you are left alone with the truth

you fought tooth and nail for it
and you hold it like a crown
on your throne of nothing
with no one around
and you have to live with the fact
that it wasnt fucking worth it