take two, swallow

the more you think you know, the more you realize you don't know

we're alone in this world, but we have each other

i guess i don't understand why we're looking for someone else

take two this time, swallow

i'm looking in the same places for different people

i'm waiting for them to come to me, but i know they wont

there isn't much happening when you have no hope

i've given up on almost everything

my father used to call me a quitter

and i guess i am

i'll be a quitter just to spite him

whatever helps you sleep at night

you gotta live your life

whatever helps you sleep at night

your doin enough "living" for the both of us

this house of cards will fall

i will wait from afar until it does

so i can wind up 

run as fast as i can

and knock the wind out of you

with a kick when you're down

i will document this fall

its become an interest of mine

an obsession with the details

the warning signs are clear

and you cant use the "it was too dark" excuse

cause the damn things are in lights nowadays

its all around you

but your averting your eyes

you dont want to see it

the most spineless person ive ever met

in my entire life

lick your wounds all you want

theres more coming

this is where half truths gets you

i know you hate being the bad guy

but you where the mask so well

its molded to your face

real tears and all

you dont get to be spared of anything

this is coming down

whether you like it or not

and i know youre holding details back

whether you admit it or not

justify the lie

surround yourself with the people

who also run from the truth

they support your mess

and you trust them all

im gonna go put in popcorn

ive seen this movie before

and the ending is awesome

i love watching a mess

fall and make an even bigger mess

hail to the honest, baby

i told you so

this changes nothing

its nothing new

and it changes nothing

not one palpitation in my chest

i have been through all of this before

back then it used to get to me

now, its just like breathing

i go through the motions

i look for treasures underneath the rubble

but everything shiny

it just a glare

there is nothing left under the sun

just little teasers

they used to get my hopes up

i don't have hopes anymore

i have no faith left in anything

and im just doing my time

till its ok for me to die

its more habit now than anything

to go through the motions

and continue on as if theres purpose

truth is, i haven't felt purpose in a long time

im not surprised by anything anymore

i wake up, i distract myself, i go to bed

same cycle ever day, every year

maybe i need a change

but i don't even want to try a change anymore

i don't really care

all life is pointless

all things are meaningless

and everyone lies to themselves everyday

trying to convince themselves that it isn't true

but those facts hang over your head

and they resurface every now and then

you cant keep the truth buried

you cant make a dead horse move

and we are all living in a dead fucking horse carcass

and its going nowhere

the shakes

my contempt grows by the hour

every person i see makes me grow more and more angry

spouting their bullshit opinions

talking like they have anything valid to say

its been years since ive heard anything valid

all the poking and prodding

the sarcasm

the stupid questions that fill my head

with fantasies of violence

rumour goes around that the world is coming to an end

and i cant help but wish it werent so slow

cause im so tired of all of this

im so tired of all of these.......people

living their stupid lives

trying to have some importance

running blindly from the fact

that things are just so goddamn boring

fuck your life

fuck what you do to cope with it

i have no sympathy

no feeling at all

for any of you

just another

always remember

im better than you

im stronger than you

im smarter than you

everything you do is only childs play

and i dont give a fuck about your feelings

this is not about you

this is about me

so shut up and give me what i deserve

utter devotion

a god among mortals

the sun in your eyes

the pieces fell together the day you met me

your just another grain in the sand

just another pretty face that does not impress me

akward and uncomfortable

we put everything out on the line

akward and uncomfortable

we looked at each other with fear in our eyes

and begged ourselves not to hurt each other

i feel like i lost everything

and i gave it my everything

but thats never enough

and love doesn't mean anything

i cant help but feel abandoned

when you're the one that walked away

like holding my head underwater

and asking me if its ok

it kills me to see you

parade around with her

right in front of my face

no matter how it hurts

and i trusted you

not to break my heart

you know better than anyone

and i cant handle rejection

i never thought that you of all people

would do this to me

i never thought we'd end up this way

and its ruining me

you promised me so many times

that i had nothing to worry about

i believed in you

and i believed in us

and now i have to find myself

a new peace of mind

i have to start all over

when im the one who got left behind

i don't know how i can live my life

without you in some shape or form

id pull my goddamn heart out

cause i don't want it anymore

this life just keeps getting harder

and i feel like shit everyday

just when i think i've got something good

life takes it away

journal entry

She moved away for some time to North Carolina, and my feelings for her had somewhat diminished over the years. People change, and she became someone else that I felt was ok, but not someone I wanted to be with anymore. When she came back from North Carolina she wanted to start up a relationship. I wasn’t really feeling it at the time, but I am a pushover, so she kept at me and eventually I caved. I felt nothing for her at the time, but it was nice not to be alone. Eventually I learned to love her and let her in, and after two years of a good relationship she decides that she is a lesbian. She had been hanging out with a lesbian friend of hers for a while and hanging around her group of friends. Jen had always been easily influenced and lacked any real sense of self, so I never bought the fact that she was a full on lesbian. She had always been bi-sexual, and mistrusted men. When it came down to it, she had read to many feminism books, and hated men already, so bullshit took its course, and I was thrown away. Lesbians don’t have long drawn out sexual relationships with numbers of men only to decide they are gay when they are almost in their thirties. You’re born with it, you know all along. I was born with a dick, I didn’t become aware of it in my late twenties.

  So we had our falling out where she apologized to an annoying amount for ruining my life, and swore that we would remain friends, when I was just trying to get as far away from her as possible, but I didn’t really have anywhere to go cause I gave up every escape route I had to be with her. She used to make me promise that I wasn’t going to cut her out of my life. I lied through my goddamn teeth every time I said ‘I promise’.

  Jen had always had trouble finding her identity. Every time she started to feel plain and uninteresting she would create a new identity. She was a ‘freak’ when I met her, wearing Marilyn Manson shirts and extra large clothes, looking pissed of and “different” all the time. At some point she became a hippy and started wearing tie-dye and listening to the Grateful Dead and Rusted Root a lot. Then she got a job and had to look presentable so she became plain again, but couldn’t deal with that so she shaved her head and became some macho bull dyke but didn’t come out of the closet yet (cause it wasn’t fucking real). Some people cant deal with the fact that they are boring and useless and they fight with it all their lives. I remember once she tried to be vegan, but you go vegan and blow lines of coke with your cokehead boyfriend and not expect to pass out from malnutrition in the isle at a grocery store (true story). Later that boyfriend would die in a car accident where he drove off the road and the car flipped. The cause of death was internal decapitation. The spine snapped right at the neck. It was sad really, he was a great drummer, could have gone far, but he had a powerful lust for white drugs.

 Eventually she became somebody completely different to what I had signed on for, so I no longer needed that kind of person in my life. I removed her like you would anything you were done with.

  I used to tell her that I loved her, but I’m not quite sure I ever did. I think at one point I thought I did, but now that I think about it I’m not so sure. I wasn’t even really sure what love was at that point. I loved fucking her, she was good in bed. I hadn’t really been much for sex until I met her. It was just a part of me that I switched off a long time ago, because I was too shy to ever expect to have sex with a girl. Most of the time during our relationship, though, I wanted to be alone. I would hide in my room on my computer or reading a book, and she would come into my room nine thousand times to ask me a stupid question or talk in a goddamn baby voice. That’s not love, that’s settling, and I settled because I thought that maybe I was wrong, maybe this is what I was supposed to do. 

you wont miss us

you wont miss us

we're the parts you throw away

left in the dust to rot in the sun

there is no glory in this

there's no rhyme or reason why we go on like this

a need for another

its such a fucking scam

you'll end up settling for less

just because you dont want to be alone

and when they move on

when they find someone new

it will be too soon

and it will move too fast

and you will be left to feel like shit

with your thoughts

and a giant goddamn hole where your stomach used to be

we construct other people to feel like home in our minds

and you cling to the foundation as it all comes falling down

you walk a few yards from the wreck

completely in shock

and not knowing what to do next

it feels terrible when you feel the room shift

and suddenly there is no space for you in there life

journal entry

It ended with a whimper, which doesn’t really surprise but it is disappointing. Some people just can’t cope with being who they are, so they constantly have to shift, and wriggle around, change things up so they feel better about themselves. All the while trying to convince you that you are the one with the problem.

  I have tons of problems, I admit that openly. I have an anger problem, I have abandonment issues, I have attachment issues, but I am aware of them and have dealt with them my whole life, so I know when I’m just being insane. In today’s standards, I’m a fairly well adjusted person.

  I just don’t have patience for peoples hangs up and bullshit anymore. I have no time for it, and I refuse to even acknowledge it, it’s such an insult that anyone would try to wear their bullshit on their sleeve. As the great Dennis Leary once said, “Life sucks, wear a fucking helmet!”

  I’m particularly impatient with people who don’t know what they want. That’s just laziness to me, and this is coming from a lazy person, but I know exactly what I want, and I know that the only way I am going to get it is by getting off of my fucking ass and going towards it. There have been to many instances in my life where people have strung me along claiming that they wanted to be a part of my life, but when things got a little difficult they didn’t want to play anymore.

  I’m not playing games, I don’t have time for idiots, and I am through with people who don’t know what they want, because you’re not just fucking yourself up, your taking a lot of people around with you. The irresponsible have inherited the earth, and this fact makes me want to blow the whole goddamn thing up.

  For the record, when someone I love completely taints the qualities I love about them, and takes apart everything that there is to love and throws it away, they are no longer that person. It’s a complete do-over, we now have to meet each other again, and that doesn’t always mean I will like this new person. I will give it my best shot, and if there was a vast improvement I would appreciate this new person, but I have no time for regression. I have no sympathy for people who go backwards. The only way out is through, and if you step back you are weak, and you are a coward, and that is lower than the dirt to me.

  The world is a sad place, and I am a sad man in it. All I have is myself, and if that’s the way it has to be then I’m fine with that. I’d just rather have it known and agreed upon, then all this fucking gray area. This is it for me, this is all it will ever be. I know that and I accept that. I’m just trying to do my time, and make the most out of it while I’m here. So you are either on my team, or you are in the way. 

joyless in life

i am a former abused, broken thing

i feel i should be exterminated

i feel beyond repair

the cost of repair is way beyond the worth

i do not exclude myself in the ways i feel about humanity

i think we coddle our wounded

and we make excuses for those who have no use

those that should be introduced to the trash can

human life is so precious

yea fucking right

it should be just as trivial and meaningless as everything else

humans love to have this air of superiority

that our existence is such a treasure to the world

weed out your species

theres too many weeds in the garden

choking the life out of all the beauty

we abused will never get better

we will never function

and will continue to be a drain on other people

i wish to be thrown away

i am joyless in life