journal entry

She moved away for some time to North Carolina, and my feelings for her had somewhat diminished over the years. People change, and she became someone else that I felt was ok, but not someone I wanted to be with anymore. When she came back from North Carolina she wanted to start up a relationship. I wasn’t really feeling it at the time, but I am a pushover, so she kept at me and eventually I caved. I felt nothing for her at the time, but it was nice not to be alone. Eventually I learned to love her and let her in, and after two years of a good relationship she decides that she is a lesbian. She had been hanging out with a lesbian friend of hers for a while and hanging around her group of friends. Jen had always been easily influenced and lacked any real sense of self, so I never bought the fact that she was a full on lesbian. She had always been bi-sexual, and mistrusted men. When it came down to it, she had read to many feminism books, and hated men already, so bullshit took its course, and I was thrown away. Lesbians don’t have long drawn out sexual relationships with numbers of men only to decide they are gay when they are almost in their thirties. You’re born with it, you know all along. I was born with a dick, I didn’t become aware of it in my late twenties.

  So we had our falling out where she apologized to an annoying amount for ruining my life, and swore that we would remain friends, when I was just trying to get as far away from her as possible, but I didn’t really have anywhere to go cause I gave up every escape route I had to be with her. She used to make me promise that I wasn’t going to cut her out of my life. I lied through my goddamn teeth every time I said ‘I promise’.

  Jen had always had trouble finding her identity. Every time she started to feel plain and uninteresting she would create a new identity. She was a ‘freak’ when I met her, wearing Marilyn Manson shirts and extra large clothes, looking pissed of and “different” all the time. At some point she became a hippy and started wearing tie-dye and listening to the Grateful Dead and Rusted Root a lot. Then she got a job and had to look presentable so she became plain again, but couldn’t deal with that so she shaved her head and became some macho bull dyke but didn’t come out of the closet yet (cause it wasn’t fucking real). Some people cant deal with the fact that they are boring and useless and they fight with it all their lives. I remember once she tried to be vegan, but you go vegan and blow lines of coke with your cokehead boyfriend and not expect to pass out from malnutrition in the isle at a grocery store (true story). Later that boyfriend would die in a car accident where he drove off the road and the car flipped. The cause of death was internal decapitation. The spine snapped right at the neck. It was sad really, he was a great drummer, could have gone far, but he had a powerful lust for white drugs.

 Eventually she became somebody completely different to what I had signed on for, so I no longer needed that kind of person in my life. I removed her like you would anything you were done with.

  I used to tell her that I loved her, but I’m not quite sure I ever did. I think at one point I thought I did, but now that I think about it I’m not so sure. I wasn’t even really sure what love was at that point. I loved fucking her, she was good in bed. I hadn’t really been much for sex until I met her. It was just a part of me that I switched off a long time ago, because I was too shy to ever expect to have sex with a girl. Most of the time during our relationship, though, I wanted to be alone. I would hide in my room on my computer or reading a book, and she would come into my room nine thousand times to ask me a stupid question or talk in a goddamn baby voice. That’s not love, that’s settling, and I settled because I thought that maybe I was wrong, maybe this is what I was supposed to do.