journal entry

It ended with a whimper, which doesn’t really surprise but it is disappointing. Some people just can’t cope with being who they are, so they constantly have to shift, and wriggle around, change things up so they feel better about themselves. All the while trying to convince you that you are the one with the problem.

  I have tons of problems, I admit that openly. I have an anger problem, I have abandonment issues, I have attachment issues, but I am aware of them and have dealt with them my whole life, so I know when I’m just being insane. In today’s standards, I’m a fairly well adjusted person.

  I just don’t have patience for peoples hangs up and bullshit anymore. I have no time for it, and I refuse to even acknowledge it, it’s such an insult that anyone would try to wear their bullshit on their sleeve. As the great Dennis Leary once said, “Life sucks, wear a fucking helmet!”

  I’m particularly impatient with people who don’t know what they want. That’s just laziness to me, and this is coming from a lazy person, but I know exactly what I want, and I know that the only way I am going to get it is by getting off of my fucking ass and going towards it. There have been to many instances in my life where people have strung me along claiming that they wanted to be a part of my life, but when things got a little difficult they didn’t want to play anymore.

  I’m not playing games, I don’t have time for idiots, and I am through with people who don’t know what they want, because you’re not just fucking yourself up, your taking a lot of people around with you. The irresponsible have inherited the earth, and this fact makes me want to blow the whole goddamn thing up.

  For the record, when someone I love completely taints the qualities I love about them, and takes apart everything that there is to love and throws it away, they are no longer that person. It’s a complete do-over, we now have to meet each other again, and that doesn’t always mean I will like this new person. I will give it my best shot, and if there was a vast improvement I would appreciate this new person, but I have no time for regression. I have no sympathy for people who go backwards. The only way out is through, and if you step back you are weak, and you are a coward, and that is lower than the dirt to me.

  The world is a sad place, and I am a sad man in it. All I have is myself, and if that’s the way it has to be then I’m fine with that. I’d just rather have it known and agreed upon, then all this fucking gray area. This is it for me, this is all it will ever be. I know that and I accept that. I’m just trying to do my time, and make the most out of it while I’m here. So you are either on my team, or you are in the way.