Journal Entry - Thursday October 20th, Clay Court Apartments. My birthday
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Today i turned 29 years old, and all i could think of was my 20's were shit. I got dumped on more in that period of my life than i have ever had up to this point. I had a girl toy with my emotions, just walking around starting little fires that i had to run around and put out and she didn't even realize she was doing it. So i had to cut her out of my life like a fucking cancerous tumor.
Tonight i talked to my ex girlfriend, the first girl to ever break my heart, and she made me feel better about this latest endeavor, weird. Life's a fucking trip, aint it? She's going to email me a list of things she needs from me so that she can help me get on some insurance programs so that i can go see a psychiatrist. Honestly, i need it. I'm in way over my head and anything at this point is better than what I got so far.
Last night I had a nuclear meltdown of catastrophic proportions, alone in my room, in the a.m. hours of night. I started texting anyone that could possibly be up and thankfully someone was and talked me down a little. I might have actually killed myself if i couldn't get ahold of anyone. I think i ate a whole value pack of pop tarts in one sitting. I couldn't sleep so i was just awake and listening to slipknot's entire catalogue on repeat. They may not be everyones first choice but that man's lyrics cut me right to the bone.
I let her do it. I let her get to me and I knew it the whole time, I watched it like a deer in headlights, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I'm too smart for people, and I am always 10 steps ahead of everyone else, but I can't ever change things. I can't steer them away from where they are going. All I can do is watch it happen and fall on my head. Now I have an even bigger missing chunk of flesh to deal with and a sour stomach that wont quit, and I have to pick my head up and get back to work.
In a year I will move out of this city and never look back, hopefully. I am swimming in a sea of whores and little girls with daddy issues who play games with the hearts of decent men. I am a great fucking person who gets destroyed by selfishness and I keep letting it happen to myself. I am not capable of having a relationship right now because I am very damaged, and damaging. I need to streer clear of that shit for a long time. I need to keep my head focused and stay centered. My problem is I'm on 10 at all times, I'm like a freight train going down the line and when I derail thats a lot of shit flying in every direction for long distances.
I gotta take better care of myself. I forget that because my body is big and can handle a lot of shit. I can take a lot of crap, but i pile it on top of me and get myself in trouble. I need to start realizing where the lines are and to not even get close enough to reach them. I fucked up bad this time, lesson learned I guess, thats one hell of a scar. Lets hope I calm down some in my thirties. I need to be less intense. It's gonna give me a heart attack and more mental illness. Alright, back on the path. Get up old man, fucking shake it off. What the fuck are all of you looking at?
Tonight i talked to my ex girlfriend, the first girl to ever break my heart, and she made me feel better about this latest endeavor, weird. Life's a fucking trip, aint it? She's going to email me a list of things she needs from me so that she can help me get on some insurance programs so that i can go see a psychiatrist. Honestly, i need it. I'm in way over my head and anything at this point is better than what I got so far.
Last night I had a nuclear meltdown of catastrophic proportions, alone in my room, in the a.m. hours of night. I started texting anyone that could possibly be up and thankfully someone was and talked me down a little. I might have actually killed myself if i couldn't get ahold of anyone. I think i ate a whole value pack of pop tarts in one sitting. I couldn't sleep so i was just awake and listening to slipknot's entire catalogue on repeat. They may not be everyones first choice but that man's lyrics cut me right to the bone.
I let her do it. I let her get to me and I knew it the whole time, I watched it like a deer in headlights, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I'm too smart for people, and I am always 10 steps ahead of everyone else, but I can't ever change things. I can't steer them away from where they are going. All I can do is watch it happen and fall on my head. Now I have an even bigger missing chunk of flesh to deal with and a sour stomach that wont quit, and I have to pick my head up and get back to work.
In a year I will move out of this city and never look back, hopefully. I am swimming in a sea of whores and little girls with daddy issues who play games with the hearts of decent men. I am a great fucking person who gets destroyed by selfishness and I keep letting it happen to myself. I am not capable of having a relationship right now because I am very damaged, and damaging. I need to streer clear of that shit for a long time. I need to keep my head focused and stay centered. My problem is I'm on 10 at all times, I'm like a freight train going down the line and when I derail thats a lot of shit flying in every direction for long distances.
I gotta take better care of myself. I forget that because my body is big and can handle a lot of shit. I can take a lot of crap, but i pile it on top of me and get myself in trouble. I need to start realizing where the lines are and to not even get close enough to reach them. I fucked up bad this time, lesson learned I guess, thats one hell of a scar. Lets hope I calm down some in my thirties. I need to be less intense. It's gonna give me a heart attack and more mental illness. Alright, back on the path. Get up old man, fucking shake it off. What the fuck are all of you looking at?
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