mother mercury, look what they've done to me

i want you to hurt

i want you to suffer

i want you to feel ashamed

for being the thing that you hated the most

for slapping a child in the face

when he begged you to stop hitting him

its your fault

the wedge driven between you

the lost holidays and family events

seeing any grand kids

being a part of his life

i want you to regret that and feel that

for the rest of your miserable life

and i want it to eat you alive

and on your death bed be the thing you regret most

i want it to ache at your heart while your body gives out

let it be the last thing on your mind

while current flows through it

be the last word on your last breath

i want you to feel it all

because i have felt it all

and i held it all inside

now its your turn

i want you to feel how black and thick the hate is

i want it to gum up in your veins

i want you to forever feel the guilt of having driven away

something you swore was so precious to you

so everyone can see how cowardly and selfish you really are

you fucking miserable cunt

your flesh is wasted on you

your breath should be reserved for someone elses lungs

i wish i could bottle up your last breath and keep in safe keeping

and yell at is and attack it when i feel miserable

knowing that i hold that

will be enough to satiate my rage

the rage you put in me

the poison you let loose in my veins

this is your fault

you made me violent

and i have no remorse for you anymore

i wish i could attack and abuse you 

the way you abused a child

a creature smaller and weaker

who trusted you for guidance

i wish i could reverse the roles

and really give it back to you

and i would if i could

but i think dying slow and miserable is enough for you

never forget what you did

it will never go away

my contempt for you grows by the year

and if i ever see your fucking face again

i will not hesitate to smash it

until it no longer resembles anything human

fuck you forever

you are hell with a pulse

and i would sever that pulse

to watch evil bleed out before my very eyes

i would bathe in your disintegration

and savor your essence leaving this world

the weight of your dead body

a tool for my muscles to grow stronger

a punching bag

to tune myself into a better, stronger person

and the cheeks on your face

will be slapped and bruised forever

like mine are

from you

happy holidays

go fuck yourself

you failure of a mother

and failure of a human being

rot slowly

die miserable

in your own filth

surrounded by cowards

and leeches

who will strip you of everything

for their own personal gain

once the life leaves your shell

do not rest in peace

lie crooked and uncomfortable

in infinite agony

you cunt

damage

why do i feel so goddamn sad, why can't i just let go

all the preparing for the world outside just kept my feelings closed

now i feel like im a child even though i am a man

and my heart feels like its bursting when they all slip through my hands

i don't know what i should do to try and make myself ok

i stay angry just to feels something other than the pain

cause everybodys got somebody else, i've only ever had myself

my DNA is programmed for my mind to feel for someone else

i just want to feel ok when i get out of bed

just to have a day where i don't want a bullet in my head

and thats the emptiest threat i've ever heard cause i don't got the guts

but that don't change the fact that i feel like my death is still a must

all the voices in my head that tell me nothing is ok

im alone and that is all my fault cause no one wants to stay

with such a fucked up, damaged, broken man who cant get through the past

because the only home he's ever known just kicked his fucking ass

im tired of being miserable, and angry all the time

but i cant unsee the things i've seen and been through all my life

my eyes are fucking open, the reality is sad

when drug use and my fantasies are the best i've ever had

they say life can be so beautiful, well come live in my town

we will send you fucking packing if you spread that shit around

i feel like nothing is worth saving, i wish i could waste away

when the damage just feels better, than trying to get saved

when happiness feels foreign and you wait for shit to fly

cause that is all you've ever known and you refuse to live a lie

steady hand

my hand stays steady

my mind stays peaceful

and i let the dead bury their dead

i have life to live and love to give

and this hate is just an anchor

keeping me tied to the ground

weight is a thief

and anger is a poison

i am kept sick

so i cant walk away

the only thing that keeps me going

is knowing

that it wont be long before i am away from here

away from these people

and onto the rest of my life

doing something worthwhile

and better than the simplicity of the people in this town

i will leave you all behind

i cant wait until i cant even remember your name

anonymous and unimportant

i just want to be forgotten

a face you cant put a name to in a sea of dead eyes

anonymous and unimportant

i want to cut myself in dirty basements

and use the dust on the floor 

to clot the wound

take drugs that put holes in my brain

and destroy this temple they pray to

this body, this mind that they need and want

this tool that was never meant to be one in the first place

and ruin it for everyone

i want to heat up knives and brand patterns in my arms

breathe smoke until i pass out or vomit, whichever comes first

put my jugular vein on tap to spirt 10 foot blood spatters

across unclean floors and rooms at my free will

and laugh at the drop in blood pressure

as my head swims and my knees fall to the floor

i want to empty my stomach of nourishment

choke on fragments of wood

atrophied and destroy beyond all recognition

because i hate this thing that i have

that they made into such a commodity

that they deem more precious than gold

just to break it in front of them

and hurt them 

leave them with nothing but the pieces

to remind them of what they had

and what was taken away

facebook has a dark side where fools gather and fortify each others bullshit.

making well constructed statements that sound intelligent but are actually completely false. cue a million likes from people who don't have the balls to actually question it and like it because all their friends do. fools run rampant around here, and love to puff up each others ego's. never forget that.

people love to say dumb shit to perpetuate dangerous fantasy and lies, cause its just easier than admitting the ugly truth. its especially annoying when the ones spouting this swill have never seen real horrors in their lives and know nothing of real life.

cryptic, i know, but im done naming names. you're all on your own now.

honesty, people. you have to live it, or you arent worth the orgasm it took to create you. and if you're all butt hurt over this fact........you are the very fool i am referring to.

thats why i stick to my friends and people i care about

cause they are all completely open and honest

and we all reject the ones that bullshit and lie

we push them out like the weeds that they are

i have no patience for fools anymore

if people arent smart enough to break out of their shell and search for truth on their own first, then to me, they are not human, and are not living

they are vagrant dead

and in my goddamn way

the sky is the limit and thats all i can say. whatever you want from me you can have. i am utterly devoted to this, and i will let it kill me if i have to. there is no world here. its just me and you, in this thing we call home, connected like links on a chain, to hold to world up forever. this is all that matters, everything else pales in comparison. all the things i have done in my life, trying to find something else, something to fill the void, to empty out my sadness, to take it all away. i tried to free myself from love for so long. i tried to kill it, i cut, bruised and kicked at it, to make it go away. but there it stayed. with a stubbornness the likes of which i have never seen. its not going away, its never going away and i have to make my peace with that, but God how you break hearts. 

its the pain that hurts the most. its the worst you will ever feel. its the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and there is nothing in this world that can slap my eyes open more. i am convinced and committed when i am in your arms, and theres no way anyone can tell me any different. we are magnets to each other, you and i, and because of that i will never let go, but also because of that i will cherish you. i will worship you and praise you like my god among mere mortals. kiss the ground you walk on and make sure you are safe and pure for the rest of my days. all i've built and all i've accumulated in my entire life crumbles right at your feet and its a humbling feeling to find out that everything means nothing compared to you. i fall to my knee's with this understanding and beg you just to think of me in a kind light. 

the smell of your hair, the perfume on your clothes stay with me even when you're not here. it hits me like a brick in the chest every time and i am floored. there is no more fighting this. no more trying to be a man and not let this crush me, to stand tall and say i have never been wounded, i have never let them in, but i would lie, that would all be a lie and i don't want to lie anymore. all my defenses and all my diversions have been bypassed and brought down by one small simple girl. one charming little being with a smile on her lips. the way she says my name, the way she feels no shame, and all my bullshit falls to my feet. 

my stomach turns when i think about the past and all the things i've done to attack and torture and try to keep them out of my existence, to try and put traps around myself so they can't get in, when all this time it was nothing at all, and they could move right in whenever they wanted. i stand powerless against this and i don't know what else to do. i have fought it off for so goddamn long and tried to be smart. tried to rise above and be better than the rest of them. where they failed i will succeed, such a childish goal. there is no rule book, we're all crawling on our knees, and thinking on our feet to try to get this right. i just can't take that fall, im so afraid the next one will kill me, im afraid of what the next one will do to me. my mind can only take so much and at times i feel like im hanging by a thread while she dances in my head and it doesn't feel good, it feels hurtful and angry, and i get bitter when she calls me cause theres no control and sometimes theres nothing anyone can do but surrender and let go. my whole life has been trained against letting go, against surrender. i've been at war for 29 years and i've never had time for love, but all it took was one little look, one little flirt to put shock into my heart, and i felt the valves creak and moan as the blood started flowing again, like something that hasn't moved in decades, breaking the rust off and trying again. you wanna talk about fear, thats fear, and all my anger, all my war mongering and fighting, all my aggression against injustice and pain thats been done to me was swept off the table with careless abandon by some small creature with beautiful eyes. she grabbed my face and look me in the eyes and told me "its ok" and i don't know why but i was powerless, i had no choice but to believe her. so i did, i surrender. goddammit, i surrender, you have me, you have my heart. just please, goddammit, be careful with it, cause it means a lot to me and its delicate. 

you may think cause i am a man that i can handle the pain, but i can't. i really can't. that little thing that you hold in your hands is the most sensitive you will ever see me, the most delicate you will ever get me, and if you stab and jab at it, it will never forgive you. you have to respect this for what it is, its bigger than both of our egos, and we have to get past our bullshit to bring praise and respect this union, this clashing of souls. it brings beauty to my life, the likes of which i've never seen and i can't help but want to hold onto it forever. this is me at my weakest. i am powerless against this. please respect that. please forgive me. please be here with me. this moment is all we have. things go away so quick and this is working right now, like the eye of a storm where everything feels peaceful but powerful, and i want it to last, but if it doesn't i guess thats ok and i'll have to make my peace with that, but please understand the hurt i feel and when it tries to come around again i might be angry and attack like a wounded dog backed into a corner. i've been beat up so many times that i flinch now at every sigh, so if you want to do this and you want my love you gotta show me you mean it and prove yourself. give me a reason to beat myself up again. i'll do whatever it takes but i need to know its for a purpose, cause without purpose i am left out in the dust, and maybe one of those times when i get burnt i wont get back up. i can't say for certain. i can't say that i will be alright, cause damn when it falls, i crash hard. i sink so low, i sink solo, i isolate and drive myself into the dirt at the very bottom and keep my mouth open to get dirt in my teeth just to make it hurt that much more. im a bruised and broken man. my heart is dried out but you are the water and all i need is a drop to cure, to reinvigorate, to make everything ok. i can move mountains with love in my heart, and nothing will stop me. but you just gotta know what responsibility comes with this. to nuture this and treat it right so that it grows or we fall over and burn and hate each other for the rest of our lives. don't do that to me again. i cannot take that again. i wont come back from it this time. so there it is, my everything, all on the line, for you. you have my heart