the sky is the limit and thats all i can say. whatever you want from me you can have. i am utterly devoted to this, and i will let it kill me if i have to. there is no world here. its just me and you, in this thing we call home, connected like links on a chain, to hold to world up forever. this is all that matters, everything else pales in comparison. all the things i have done in my life, trying to find something else, something to fill the void, to empty out my sadness, to take it all away. i tried to free myself from love for so long. i tried to kill it, i cut, bruised and kicked at it, to make it go away. but there it stayed. with a stubbornness the likes of which i have never seen. its not going away, its never going away and i have to make my peace with that, but God how you break hearts. 

its the pain that hurts the most. its the worst you will ever feel. its the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and there is nothing in this world that can slap my eyes open more. i am convinced and committed when i am in your arms, and theres no way anyone can tell me any different. we are magnets to each other, you and i, and because of that i will never let go, but also because of that i will cherish you. i will worship you and praise you like my god among mere mortals. kiss the ground you walk on and make sure you are safe and pure for the rest of my days. all i've built and all i've accumulated in my entire life crumbles right at your feet and its a humbling feeling to find out that everything means nothing compared to you. i fall to my knee's with this understanding and beg you just to think of me in a kind light. 

the smell of your hair, the perfume on your clothes stay with me even when you're not here. it hits me like a brick in the chest every time and i am floored. there is no more fighting this. no more trying to be a man and not let this crush me, to stand tall and say i have never been wounded, i have never let them in, but i would lie, that would all be a lie and i don't want to lie anymore. all my defenses and all my diversions have been bypassed and brought down by one small simple girl. one charming little being with a smile on her lips. the way she says my name, the way she feels no shame, and all my bullshit falls to my feet. 

my stomach turns when i think about the past and all the things i've done to attack and torture and try to keep them out of my existence, to try and put traps around myself so they can't get in, when all this time it was nothing at all, and they could move right in whenever they wanted. i stand powerless against this and i don't know what else to do. i have fought it off for so goddamn long and tried to be smart. tried to rise above and be better than the rest of them. where they failed i will succeed, such a childish goal. there is no rule book, we're all crawling on our knees, and thinking on our feet to try to get this right. i just can't take that fall, im so afraid the next one will kill me, im afraid of what the next one will do to me. my mind can only take so much and at times i feel like im hanging by a thread while she dances in my head and it doesn't feel good, it feels hurtful and angry, and i get bitter when she calls me cause theres no control and sometimes theres nothing anyone can do but surrender and let go. my whole life has been trained against letting go, against surrender. i've been at war for 29 years and i've never had time for love, but all it took was one little look, one little flirt to put shock into my heart, and i felt the valves creak and moan as the blood started flowing again, like something that hasn't moved in decades, breaking the rust off and trying again. you wanna talk about fear, thats fear, and all my anger, all my war mongering and fighting, all my aggression against injustice and pain thats been done to me was swept off the table with careless abandon by some small creature with beautiful eyes. she grabbed my face and look me in the eyes and told me "its ok" and i don't know why but i was powerless, i had no choice but to believe her. so i did, i surrender. goddammit, i surrender, you have me, you have my heart. just please, goddammit, be careful with it, cause it means a lot to me and its delicate. 

you may think cause i am a man that i can handle the pain, but i can't. i really can't. that little thing that you hold in your hands is the most sensitive you will ever see me, the most delicate you will ever get me, and if you stab and jab at it, it will never forgive you. you have to respect this for what it is, its bigger than both of our egos, and we have to get past our bullshit to bring praise and respect this union, this clashing of souls. it brings beauty to my life, the likes of which i've never seen and i can't help but want to hold onto it forever. this is me at my weakest. i am powerless against this. please respect that. please forgive me. please be here with me. this moment is all we have. things go away so quick and this is working right now, like the eye of a storm where everything feels peaceful but powerful, and i want it to last, but if it doesn't i guess thats ok and i'll have to make my peace with that, but please understand the hurt i feel and when it tries to come around again i might be angry and attack like a wounded dog backed into a corner. i've been beat up so many times that i flinch now at every sigh, so if you want to do this and you want my love you gotta show me you mean it and prove yourself. give me a reason to beat myself up again. i'll do whatever it takes but i need to know its for a purpose, cause without purpose i am left out in the dust, and maybe one of those times when i get burnt i wont get back up. i can't say for certain. i can't say that i will be alright, cause damn when it falls, i crash hard. i sink so low, i sink solo, i isolate and drive myself into the dirt at the very bottom and keep my mouth open to get dirt in my teeth just to make it hurt that much more. im a bruised and broken man. my heart is dried out but you are the water and all i need is a drop to cure, to reinvigorate, to make everything ok. i can move mountains with love in my heart, and nothing will stop me. but you just gotta know what responsibility comes with this. to nuture this and treat it right so that it grows or we fall over and burn and hate each other for the rest of our lives. don't do that to me again. i cannot take that again. i wont come back from it this time. so there it is, my everything, all on the line, for you. you have my heart