letter to my uncle lee

hey man. 

im sitting here listening to music and it always comes back to me that i owe a lot of good taste to you. you made me a music fan, not just a music listener. you taught me to listen to the details and the songwriting and the harmonies. this is shit that im still using to this day. i barely use a damn thing i learned in school!

it was vital for me and i can't thank you enough for it. i know you're kinda like me, you're not good with compliments so its ok if you don't have much to say back. i just want to make sure that you are aware of what you did for me when i was younger. my life has been full of many great things because of simple tools that you gave to me. you should sleep easier at night knowing that. for all your flaws that you may have, or any sort of thing that weighs on you and makes you feel bad about yourself, this is one thing that you should feel good about cause im alive and well and its your doing.

you saw yourself in me and you acted on it, and because of that i have helped other people the way you did. i have counseled friends. i have a friend whos family basically adopted me when the things went down with my mom. her youngest daughter, justine, calls me her brother and i am close with her like you were with me. we do everything together. we've been through everything together. she tells me her darkest secrets. my thoughts always somehow end up going back to you. you may have had some angry times, and volatile times, but you were real with me and i respected you for it, and it allowed me to find the courage to come out of my shell.

you developed the artist in me.

and the world didn't get to me in time, it failed to crush my dreams and now I am still here living them out and living my life of art and music. i am immersed in it and its my life and i couldn't think of a better life for myself. thanks for kicking my ass into shape and picking me up and dusting me off where my mother failed. 

i love you, pal. i recall those memories of when i was a kid a lot. they are fond memories and when i go through my comics it all comes back to me. you saved a good life, and i've done amazing things with it, and the best is yet to come.

take care man.

------------------

this man saved my life and is the sole person responsible for me being who i am. I would have never had the courage to become who I am if not for this man who stood against the oppression of his family, who stood against the ridicule of his sisters for years to nurture the artist in me. all i can do is try to make him understand what he did for me. what NO ONE could do for me. many have tried, many have failed. this man did it with grace and style. the coolest man i ever met is my uncle lee. loud booming voice, big smile, and a joke to make you laugh. never afraid to make a fool of himself to make someone else laugh while everyone else at the party is looking at him like he's an asshole cause thats how my family is. he always stood up against the bullshit and he was a shield for my protection. i haven't had many in my life but this one was enough. we don't see each other as often as we should. he is now married and living a county over and just trying to stay afloat in life while I am busy with my rich life of playing music and touring the country. 

i feel like theres a sacrifice somewhere in there that he made for me, and i'll be damned if i let this depression thing burn me out because he gave me fire in life and taught me how to live it. i forget sometimes, but i'm still picking myself up because of him, because of my niece, because of shaun luu. i have to ride this thing out to the end. no matter how many times i want to quit or i feel like im getting in over my head. i just have to ride this thing out cause they did this for me.

time and emptiness

the body falls apart, and hurts the whole way down

call it a life and then you have to live it

through

i've seen history repeat so many times

and time 

will have its

way

with you

i envy you, who can distract yourself from this

the years are really dragging on

we never talk about it, the truth just makes us sad

and time

will have its

say

in the end

the conversation's are all dull and pointless

no one has anything to say

i don't know much but i know this is just not right

so why

should i

stay

with you

i guess i don't relate and thats just how it is

you cannot change someones ways

sometimes i wish that i could get it over with

and that

is only 

sad

to you

i will not apologize

for what i feel

and i will not be condemned

for what you fear

as ugly as i want it to be

and as real as it gets

there isn't that much hope for me

and I'm known for making empty threats

day of anxiety

I always know its coming. I always have the worst anxiety on my birthday because its the one day of the year where everyone steps out of bounds under some hair brained idea of tradition that I never agreed to in the first place. I never got a say in it, but for some reason people think that its the one day of the year when I will be ok with their intrusion in my life.

Its twenty four hours of phone calls, texts messages, and facebook messages that I have to dodge from people who mean well but don't realize that what they are doing is on par with cutting a piece of skin off of me. This is who I am. This is the person I am. I cannot help it. It's reinforced by 32 years of living and it's not going to ever change. I do not like people sending me well wishes. It is a useless, trivial thing for me and it's just a reason for someone to get in my face. I do not feel these bonds and these traditions that everyone else shares. I'm just different. As pretentious, and vomit inspiring it is to just even type that, the truth is what the truth is. I have been this way since I was a kid. 

My mother would find me in my room playing with my toys alone while all my cousins and friends and family were out in the other room celebrating. I wanted to be alone, it just makes sense to me. I enjoy my toys and my trinkets and my things as a solitary thing. If other people are around I don't feel that I can involve myself as deep as I want to and it feels unsatisfying. My mother would scold me and make me feel like a piece of shit for hiding away from all these people that came to see me. She would call me selfish, which is a nice abusive way to treat a kid. Thanks mom, great parenting you miserable cunt. I will give her the fact that no one understood introversion in her days, so no, she didn't understand, but she punished me for being the way I am and I just cannot ever get over that. It has done permanent damage to me that I still feel as an adult so I don't feel that I have anything to forgive. She refuses to admit that she made mistakes and looked me right in my eyes and told me that she never hit me when I clearly recall every single instance of violence from my mother during my childhood. She made me a violent, volatile person because she couldn't understand who I was. She wanted to break me like a horse, but I have always had a strong will and I never let her get away with it. I stood my ground and I raised myself, so I don't owe that horrible woman even a second of my time.

The fact that I am even alive and well today is a miracle in my eyes. I was sure I was going to die in my twenties. I had made my peace with it, and it never happens, so now that I have surpassed the cut off point that I allowed myself, I'm just kinda floating around unsure of what to do next. 

I live for myself now. I'm sure there is some selfishness in there, but for the most part I am very giving and compassionate to people. I think most of the people who know me can attest to that. I like to help people. I have counseled countless friends and acquaintances, been trusted with things that I have never told a soul. Things that most people wouldn't even believe, I have been involved in and done. No one ever had my best interest in mind when I was a kid, it was always there, so now that I am an adult and its on my terms, well, I'm taking the reigns and doing whatever the fuck I want. I went through hell to get here. I have seen horrors that you could only imagine and I fucking earned this right to be even a tiny bit selfish. You'll have to forgive me. 

The best thing I have ever done for myself is to become brutally honest with myself and be extremely self aware. Through this process I have really truly learned what makes me tick and I have come to accept myself in all my flaws and eccentricities. This is all a part of the puzzle that is 'me'. 

Now it sounds like I think very highly of myself, but the truth is I don't. If I'm being honest I really don't consider myself most times which is a bad habit I got into in childhood. A lot of times I don't really like myself or how I feel inside. I've struggled with depression since childhood and the abuse I was subjected to has left me with a very broken sense of self but I am still here and I am still picking up the pieces and working on it so it shaped me into this person who doesn't fully like himself but accepts himself and will give himself credit where credit is due.

I may be a psycho, but most people know that I would give them the shirt off my back if they truly needed it, and I am confident enough to know that I've proven that to people that are close to me. I also am realistic to the world and I realize that there are mostly predators and leeches out there who will take whatever they can get from me, so I am cautious and hold people at a distance, cause most of the time they don't even know that they are leeches and predators. They have no idea that they are awful, blood sucking monsters, and I have to keep my distance and sift through them for my own personal health and safety. 

And honestly, I don't even consider myself a psycho. That's just a word I use to break it down into simpler terms and relate to people. Most would just rather write me off as a weirdo and if thats what it takes for them to leave me the fuck alone then its a badge I wear with pride. I truly believe that for all my flaws and history, the problem isn't me, its you. People tend to go unchecked in their privileged little lives cause they've never had cause to check themselves or even look into themselves. Most people think the whole world revolves mostly around them so they take things personal and can't stand when someone truly has no use for them or their company as if its the biggest insult someone could ever lay on you. 

This is especially tricky for girls. The typical woman nowadays is used to being able to string a man along and work him. They don't have to pay for drinks at the bar, they get gifts, they are showered with the good life. Thats a usual american scenario. I have no interest or use for anything of this sort in my life. I will not buy a woman a drink. I don't drink and I will not put my money down for a drink. I will not be strung along. If you want to be with me then we will have full disclosure right away or I walk. I do not need you.

The weird thing that happens is that these girls will see me ignoring them and being uninterested and suddenly I'm the one they want. It's flattering but I am not trying to run a game on you. I'm not paying attention to you because I do not want to know you. Again, its nothing personal, I am just very selective about who I let into my little world. I don't know why it happens but girls love the challenge and they think they can win me over. The few times it has happened it always ends bad. They cannot grasp the concept that I do not want to have sex with them and that there is truly nothing in here for them. For me, its bizarre. I don't really feel like I am something that would ever be good for them. I'm trying to do them a favor by staying away. No one should be subjected to someone like me. I will wear you down, but they keep coming if I don't keep my head down, which I do so it's not so much a problem anymore. It's just a really weird observation. Is it really all that easy? Most men I've met would love to have cracked some sort of code like that. It's never been an interest of mine. Girls are nice, i appreciate them and respect them very much. I've been around women my whole life. My mother removed my father from my life so I've known a woman's world more than I have ever known a man's world. I just have no interest in being with lots of women. I really don't and never have. Most men want to fuck anything that moves, hormones raging. Maybe I have some sort of hormone imbalance or something, who knows, I just couldn't give less of a fuck about sex as conquest. I have better shit to do.


So anyway, I just like being left alone. I don't think I am asking much of people. I can't stand that bombardment of harassment just because it happens to be the day I was born. I reject these traditions. I have removed the essentials from my life because they were taking up space and I needed the room for things that suit me better. Yet, every year, even though I have already spelled it out a thousand times for people they still just don't get it. What they see as a harmless gesture is quite harmful and jarring to an introvert. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm trying to make you understand which is more than I should even have to do. I don't have to explain myself. I do it for your benefit. It saves a lot more head aches, but please, for the love of nothing, leave me the fuck alone. Right me off as a miserable grump. I'm fine with that. Hell, be mad at me! That's great. Whatever you gotta do to put it in your head to avoid me. This is my choice. This is what I would like from you. The path of least existence.

the storm had eyes

you hear the sound before the evidence
but theres nothing you can do to change
its coming and it will devastate
you'll end up crumpled in a pile of blankets
wondering where your life has gone
just like everyone else

you're not special
you just think you are
cause thats what they always told you
so that the truth doesn't kill you early
they need you to feed the economy
and reproduce first

what is there to do
when you can't stomach it anymore
your heart is so broken
it barely even beats anymore
but you're a coward
so you can't kill yourself
you're praying for illness
or disease
something to take you out
without the guilt and shame
of it being your own hand

you see the faces of all the people
that care about you
imagine the tears streaming down their faces
caused by whatever atrocity you inflicted on yourself
its like staying in a bad marriage for the kids

these things that you give your life to
will only be cut out from under you
and that hollowness will light a fire in you
that burns the rest of your life to cinders
you have to pick through the rubble
and document what you lost

this is real
this is the rest of your life
an old man getting fatter
still with nothing to his name
barely a roof over his head
or food on his plate
you knew that this was going to be a hard life
you just hoped it wasn't hard like this
kept hoping that something would just come into your life
and make it worth living
but it never did
and the one thing that made you forget
the one thing that soothed that nagging ache
it doesn't do it anymore

stay married for the kids
stay alive for the loved ones
and all thats left to do is rot
first on the inside
then on the outside
and spit rotten words when you speak

rage is only for the good days

morons everywhere

like cops high on their power
so convinced of you're own superiority
the idea in your head, that you are right
and everyone else has it wrong
the smug air about you
the way you think you have to speak
in pseudo educated riddles
and words that no one uses in everyday conversation
you have become the thing you hate
a microcosm of the things you lash out against
you are getting high off you're own self importance
and all the people around you laugh at you
and have you all figured out
you can flap your gums
but you can't organize your life
constantly needing to lean on a friend
or someone who takes pity on you enough
on your own, left to your own devices
you wouldn't last a day
so fuck you
and your judgements
and your "i'll fix the world" attitude
you will die screaming like the rest of us
and none of your soap boxing is going to change anything
you're a douche bag
and someone to be ashamed of

the great beast

when you're in it, you can't see it clearly
you're trying happiness so you make excuses
for the obvious imperfections
the great beast is not big and menacing
she is small and unimpressive
so you dont expect the insanity
we never saw it coming
and now...
   we all wear her scars

she got into our minds
demanded room in our hearts
when we finally got away
we were never the same
sometimes if you listen close
you can hear her breathing
even all these miles away
i guess evil has a right
to the american way, too
the law protects the guilty, too

we all wear her scars

bad dream

what is this asshole doing here

i haven't had to deal with his stupidity in years

but here i am trying to correct his mistakes

while he tries to steal some of my thunder

the natural order that comes from my being

the gift that was culminated in my blood

that he never had any semblance of

and then this bitch at the front

trying to calm me down

im pissed off and theres no end to it

this whole situation is a fucking mess

and it wasn't a part of my plan

wasn't a factor into my day

so you can both go fuck yourselves

i am tired of fixing everyone elses problems

i got enough of my own insanity to deal with

without showing you how to put

a round peg in a round hole

the screen is smaller than the object

the fucking thing is ruined

figure it out or get the fuck out of the way

all i see are morons

drooling on themselves

you fucking people are pathetic

you don't know how to shine in the face of gods

the bones in my hands ache

from clenching my fists so tight

i am forced to deal with people

when i just want to be alone

i am forced to wear a smile

and keep a calm demeanor

when all i want to do is kick holes in things

and smash shit all around the room

what is all this for

what is the point in this

when all it is

is one big fucking circus

of dunces 

ouch, don't touch. stupid.

when you play that close to the fire 

and laugh about the dangers, 

don't be so surprised and emotional 

when someone actually erupts into flames. 

these are the dangers you flirt with, 

when they get on top of you, or one of you 

remember that you all asked for it. 

there will be no pity, there will be no investigation. 

you played with the fire 

but didn't respect the danger 

and the universe swallowed you up for it. 

this is your doing, and your sadness 

and regrets are your own burden to bear. 

i have no sympathy for you or your friends. 

alone with the mess

nobody cares about your problems

so you gotta deal with that shit

alone

cause all you are is

alone

alone 

alone

and everything you feel is only for you

no matter how much it feels like you're gonna burst

that you can trust someone, theres gotta be someone

to just pour your heart out to and get rid of it all

but no

theres no one

it always goes wrong

somebody else wants to turn in your song

and all you are is alone

you have to stuff it all down inside

where it rots and it kills you

where it makes the sun seem bitter and intrusive

where it manifests itself and starts to come out through your skin

you will deal with it

alone

cause no one else

wants to take the time

to hear you out

and tell you that they can relate

or help you solve your problems

no one else has the time

when they have nothing but time

but they want to spend it

alone

you will get nothing

theres nothing to give

they can tell you that you belong

but when the odds are down

they will abandon you

to save themselves

and all your history together

all those things you shared

that you think bought you some credit with people

that you think earns you a few points

and gives you a pass on some things

wont amount to anything

cause they only look out for themselves

you are alone

no matter who it is

or what they say

alone in a room

alone in a crowd

no one fully understands you

and we are prisoners in our heads

welcome to the future

its just like the future before it

friends in the house of thieves

this is how i know they're wrong

when they preach to me

about community

about loving your fellow man

to get you close

to pull you in

so they can slip the knife between your ribs

there is nothing out there

but predators and cowards 

this fantasy of peace and good will

is dangerous and misleading

the reality is that you will get chewed up

and spit right out if you do not watch yourself

watch your friends closely

they are poised in the best position possible

to go in for the quickest kill

it will happen before you even know whats happening

no one cares about you enough

to help you with your negative feelings

no one cares about you enough

to help you grow as a person

they're only in it for themselves

running on empty

the days we lost add up

but there is no way to stop it

we grow immune to the burn

and cant help but laugh at the way the body falls apart

the way your hand gets harder to open

and your sentences train wreck

like someone put your brain on pause

we find new lows every day

the over draft notices pile up

the pill bottles are always empty

and the bottle of whisky seems like a better idea every day

we get so tired of feeling so empty

when you've put in thirty years

and you've felt void of content the entire time

you get a little sick of it

and you start to not care what you have to do

to numb that ache

fill me with anything

they tell you,

"but look at all you've accomplished?"

"look what you've become because of it"

"you writing is amazing, you are capable of things people only dream about"

all in vain, unfortunately

no amount of accomplishment

no new skill set learned

has ever done anything to the way i feel inside

its all been a bi product of keeping myself busy

in order to run away from the feelings of misery and sorrow

its all been a distraction, aversion therapy

to keep my mind busy from focusing on the pain

i fill the script, but the script runs out

i go back to the doctors and she chastises me for not taking care of myself

like thats such an easy thing to do

like its as simple as it seems to her

i always feel like i could cry at any moment

it makes me angry, it makes me feel weak

it makes me feel like i can't control myself

and i should stay away from people and situations

where i would embarrass myself if i broke down

no matter how good i have it

i always feel sad

its always there

so when they find out about all the skeletons in my closet

i hope they can at least understand

that it was all just a bandage for my wounds

a temporary fix to a permanent problem

a way to clot the bleeding for just a few hours

before it starts again

shambles

it doesn't matter that im falling apart

as long as it looks maintainable

as long as i carry on the charade

enough to where you don't feel obligated

to ask if im ok

as long as i keep producing

one arm cutting off the other

one hand nails the other to the ground

this is all im worth

it doesn't matter that i have never felt ok

its just the way i am

its easier to believe that

so you don't have to worry

what will it take

to finally break

to be the beam that brings this fucker down

the years only add bitterness

my anger matures like wine

i'll burn a hole in your stomach

i can't feel anything anymore

but this unending eager ache 

that calls to me in my sleep

to finally lose what grip i have

and venture out into the unexplored

to never come back