joyless in life

i am a former abused, broken thing

i feel i should be exterminated

i feel beyond repair

the cost of repair is way beyond the worth

i do not exclude myself in the ways i feel about humanity

i think we coddle our wounded

and we make excuses for those who have no use

those that should be introduced to the trash can

human life is so precious

yea fucking right

it should be just as trivial and meaningless as everything else

humans love to have this air of superiority

that our existence is such a treasure to the world

weed out your species

theres too many weeds in the garden

choking the life out of all the beauty

we abused will never get better

we will never function

and will continue to be a drain on other people

i wish to be thrown away

i am joyless in life

Continue reading →

life ruiner

its easy to pass your judgements

when you don't walk in my skin

yet you find it ok to try my life on 

like a pair of shoes

but when it doesn't suit you

off it goes

i have to live this

i have to make it my own

so no i don't think your judgements matter

and no i don't feel like you are worth my time anymore

you pretended your way into my world

said everything i've ever wanted to hear

and shielded your pathetic little body with mine

i took the damage

i took the brunt of it

for you

you convinced me you were worth it

and i believed you

and when things were so far in

when the roots were so ingrown

you dropped me on my head

pulled the rug out from underneath me

and everything in my world crashed and broke around me

and there you stood

like a scared little girl

apologizing, with her hands to her mouth

sorry doesn't cut it

you asked me to trust you

so i did

you asked me to love you

so i did

you asked to be a part of my world

you were the one that came to me

so i let you in

and you burned it to the ground

we were trying to build foundations for life

on the ground of a scared little girl

who swore she knew who she was

who swore she understood 

and at the worst moment, you backed out

you fucked me over

and you ruined my life

so you'll have to forgive me

if i don't look at you so friendly anymore

my life is in shambles

and its because of you

your words mean shit to me

because i've had time to look at what they mean

and they are hollow

you are are hollow

and you don't mean the things you say

you just don't have the guts to stand on your own to feet

so you lean on other people

like a fucking leech

living off other people

you are scum

you are the reason people kill themselves

you are the reason that understanding between two people will never be achieved

all because of people like you

who don't have the balls to admit to themselves that they are hurting people

you are so good at lying to yourself

its your last line of defense

you pull the wool over your own eyes

cause you'd rather not see the truth

it makes you pick at your skin

it makes you look in the mirror

and see ugliness

cause the truth fucking hurts

you are ugly

and you are embarrassing

and you should be destroyed

have it your way

it'll all gonna come down on your head in the end

and i will have my revenge

i will wait it out

to find you when you are down

and kick your teeth in

i want to really drive it home

that you are the one to blame

you are the reason for other peoples pain and suffering

and you can run away

and create a new identity for yourself all you want

you can jump on this new bandwagon

and throw some labels on yourself

but we all know you

and we know how hollow you are

and you look like a joke

you're a broken fawn trying to convince herself she's a buck

you aren't capable

you never were

its pathetic

Continue reading →

set my own bones

and through it all

i nursed the cuts and bruises

i set my own bones

i learned something important

you still haven't broken me

and you never will

a house is not a home

and the people who are supposed to be there

seldom ever are

but thats not a reason to give up

and it doesn't mean a thing

so this ones for us who get back up

who take a punch and smile through our blood

the hurt doesn't even stop us anymore

you cannot rattle me

you'll never stop me

i do what i want, when i want

and i don't bother anyone

i came from the womb

into a hell on earth

but i have made it into something beautiful

a positive from a negative

a diamond from a rock

a rose from concrete

and what i have created 

will continue on long after my bones have turned to dust

do what you want to me

theres no stopping it now

i am in the air

i am one with time

and never forget, i know you never will

that i beat you

i beat you all

i proved my worth

i proved that i was right

and i made you all eat your goddamn words

and all you scum bags that call yourselves my family

have been removed from my life

because my presence is a privilege

and i will not be taken for granted

i have the power to move mountains

i can make it rain

i can invoke something out of nothing

what have you ever done

all the jealousy that made you beat me down

all the heartache i've had to endure

has harden my skin

and made a fortress out of this tired body

i am well fortified and ready for war

test me

i dare you

greater men have tried

and greater woman have taken me for everything i am worth

and in the morning

i wake up, i stand up, i stretch, and i move on

unscarred, unbroken

i have seen the bottom

i have painted its walls

i have been abandoned

i have stripped of everything

and each time i rebuilt

each time i overcame the odds

and now i am a man

with unwavering strength

and a heart still pure

and not one of the predators on this earth

will ever be above me

parent is just a word to me

im a product of the world

but i wont let my past

determine my future

and i wont let you lesser beings

keep me from greater things

everything i have

everything i've done

i've done it all on my own

i've never had a home

so i'll build it myself

all on my own

i'll build my own home

i'll set my own bones

and i'll load my own guns

to keep the wolves at bay

to keep the scum out of my way

i will make a real rain

and wash the trash away

this is my world

you are just living in it

i will make you live in fear

im going to murder you with this knife in my back

Continue reading →

love relationships as meth labs

we build relationships like were building meth labs

they are one in the same

very volatile 

not very stable

every move, every inch

has to be respected

and taken for a purpose

the moment you get cocky

the moment you relax

a fire starts out of nowhere 

and the whole things explodes

sometimes you barely get out alive

sometimes you get burnt

sometimes you get put in the hospital

eyes swollen shut

blood in the whites

eye socket broken

nose broken

cracked ribs

you weren't careful

you didn't respect the danger

you didn't respect the nature of the beast

and the beast turned against you

the hospital bills are mounting up

and you may never be quite right again

even after all the healing

you are playing with a bomb

make no mistake

it might sound like fun to you

it might make you feel good

but its still a bomb

and all the happiness it brings you

and all the flutters it puts in your chest

can still blow up in your face

third degrees burns

the smell of burnt hair in the air

the smell of blood

the swollen knuckles

hurts to make a fist

you're walking with a limp

every step you take aches

and you owe it all to disrespect

respect the bomb you play with

respect the fact that its a bomb

respect the fact that lives are at stake

one false move and its over

theres no second chances

theres no fixing it

theres no making it better

there will be no close calls

its a bomb

and you will be dead or injured

your life will never be the same if you survive

use your fucking head

think everything through

double check everything

be thorough

or go fuck yourself

Continue reading →

waste of time

i dont need every last one of you

i can fit all your worth into the capsule i take everyday to shut the fucking dogs up that are barking in my head

swallow your fucking tongue 

do whatever you have to do to shut the fuck up

you dont ever know what your talking about

and the sound of your voice is enough to make me drive nails in my ears

nothing is worth the effort and everything is a complete waste of time

the wound's never serious until the flys begin to swarm

its time to face the light and end the fucking charade

theres never gonna be anything happening in your life

nothings gonna break. your not gonna wake up with a new purpose for living

you might as well practice getting used to lying down

because i can hear them outside chipping rocks, moving earth, and digging your grave

face it, your bored, and your boring

its time to point the finger in the right direction

go see your parents and give them the beating they deserve for bringing us into this life

Continue reading →

you are a bad person, and everyone hates you

im gonna hang you from your neck by a rope if its the last thing i can do

this world is in need of a purging and you will never do anyone any good

your a cancer on this city

nobody wants you around

so i'll just take you out quietly while everyone is sleeping

just a gentle stick in the neck and then let you fall off a bridge

into the water to float with the algae and fish

now youre feeding something

its the first time you've had a purpose in so long

it would almost make you feel good if you were alive

but this hasnt happened

you are still alive

you are still flapping your gums and coughing your sickness all over everything

sooner or later everyone ends up done with you

its just the way it goes for people like you

youre not to be trusted

cant befriend someone who you cant trust

so what does that leave you

it makes you lonely doesnt it

cant get youre shit together so you take it out on everyone else

sure, people are around when the beer is flowing, and the coke is on the mirror

yea, those are your friends

those people will be around when its all over with

this is your life that you have carved out for yourself

and you hate yourself for it

but you cant stop it now because you are too far in it

and it would be too embarrassing for you to turn around now

so you keep going

feeling like a lonely warrior

youre not a warrior

youre pathetic

youre a black sheep

youre the scarlet letter

you are the person in the room that everyone smiles at and is nice to, but really doesnt want to be around

people are just civil to you cause they dont want to be on your bad side

you are the bottom of the barrell

the little man who wishes that he could be big so that no one can make him feel small and weak

the napoleon complex in the flesh

you are a model for confusion

the poster child for self dillusion

and everyone hates you

because of who you are

you are a bad person

and everyone hates you

Continue reading →

you are wrong on this

do not dictate to me

i cannot be moved and i will not be argued with

my passions have been run through with a fine tooth comb all by myself

and there is nothing you could find in it that i didnt

so dont attempt to tell me things like i dont know what im talking about

i wont be strong armed

i refuse to let your fear interupt my life and the things that i love

you live in your fear

i conquer mine

i wont apologize for being on the other side of the line

i wish you could come with me, but you refuse to let go

thats fine with me

this is a you problem

not a me problem

even though we are in this together

there is still a fine distinction between your shit and my shit

so dont try to guilt me by telling me you thought you could get support on this

i dont support idiocy and i dont have patience for foolishness

you cant reverse the topic on me and that frustrates you

you pull out all the stops too

you always told me i was better than you

and i humbly brushed it off

but now its clear

i am better than you

and you will not get anything past me

sit down and shut up

you are wrong on this

Continue reading →

you feel the end in your chest

the end is comes on hard

and you can feel it in your chest

like someone just took all the air out of you

someone took your love and threw it right back at you

all those feelings you thought you never had

you saw it in other people 

and wondered what was wrong with you

you were so proud of yourself when you finally found it

buried beneath the mental illness and scars of childhood

it took a good year to unearth it all

and now its out, and raw, like a fresh nerve

but then the feeling pulls out of the air around you

you watch them walk away

the feeling tied tight around their waist

and the farther they go, the more it hurts

then it starts in your stomach

 and you cant curl up tight enough to make it stop

this is the story of all junkies

this is the line in the sand

it hurts too much to breathe in lonely air

Continue reading →

i want to destroy the old social norms
i want to rebuild everything 
right down to the very perception of the idea itself
i want to demystify the preciousness of human life
i want to throw babies off cliffs
i want to breathe in smoke
and removing pieces of skin
i want to end family ties
i want everything to be uncomfortable and shitty
and i just want to stand in the middle of it all
and piss on the ground


i am so sick of everyone taking things out on each other
im tired of fools who dont deal with their problems
those that would rather run away 
than address the problem
those are the people that should be kept in cages
those are the ones who should be persecuted
the holocaust was misdirected


cancer is a microcosm of the human race
think about it


people feel shitty about themselves
so they deflect their shitty attitudes onto other people
and sometimes family can be cancerous
its a lot like your left arm
you need it, you like it, it functions
but if its cancerous its gotta come off


it hurts, you go through grief over it
you adapt and move on
i am removing the cancer from my life
and im never looking back Continue reading →

chalk roses on cracked pavement

a little girl draws roses in chalk outside my window

she doesnt know that the world is such an ugly place

i remember the fall from innocence

like a fall from 4 stories 

and smacking on the concrete

and its all pain and ache from then on

i see numb in everyones eyes

anything for a bargain

the truth is to tender to look at

so they all just ignore it and try to move on

living life as best as possible with their legs broken behind them

were only steps away from bleeding to death

somewhere an old man dies alone

and i am jealous of him

cause i wish it was me 

i wish it was me

i see fear in everyones eyes

so i dont look at peoples eyes anymore

you get used to the ache

sometimes take a poor mans vacation

and come back to the wreckage the next day

i lay down at night

and hope i dont wake up again

its a fantasy ive had since i was a child

id love to not wake up again

it could be a worse way to die

life is a waste

its written into the contract

its in the dna

life is a waste

Continue reading →

sad art for cowards

writing is for cowards

and cowards we are

we put the pen to the paper

because we cant deal with real life

people like to think its deep and introspective

its ugly and sad

and thats the hard truth

don't puff up these fucking tortured idiots

you are just furthering their dysfunction

by giving it a name

and giving it meaning

we encourage people to express themselves

in juvenile ways

which is why everyone has a hard time growing up

put the puppets on display

wrap a collar on them that says "tortured artist"

and watch everyone gawk and frown

and put their hands to their hearts as if they understand

you don't fucking understand

you are nowhere near understanding

you don't ever even want to understand

cause to understand is to live it

its to go in deep and really feel what made that beautiful piece of art

its ugly, its real, and it leave scars

so while you sit in your coffee shop

on your laptop, drinking in the morning

admiring that piece of art

or that poem

know that the person who made it hates you

and made it to stand against you

but also know

that these pieces of art you are admiring

is a bi-product

thats all it is

waste

you are gawking at my waste

my shit

the bi-product of my depression

and sick, twisted self hatred

you analyze it and talk to your peers about it

all i see is a turd

and big brown piece of shit

and every one of you has your face so close to it

or your playing it on your headphones

really feeling it

really getting emotional to it

its still shit

its still a bi-product

its still something i threw up 

it came out of me cause it had to

cause my body rejected it

my mind rejected it

needed to get it out

and you love it

i am selling you my bi-products

next time just open up your hands

so i can puke right into them

i've got free time

i hate that you consider it beautiful

i hate that you consider it art

i hate that you feel an emotion when listening to my song

it wasn't made for you

it was made for me

and you are feeding off of me

like a goddamn leech

and you always want more

so when you want more

i give

i torture myself

i rip open my own chest and dig

all for art

that you can enjoy

cause i guess a smiling face is worth it

i guess this is what i have to do for a little understanding

cause i cant just come out and say it

i cant just deal with reality

no, i have to stir it up into weird frequencies and colors

and give it to you ever way but straight

make no mistake

it might be good music

it might be a nice painting

but its still only the work of some damaged individual 

who cant cope

theres nothing beautiful about it

its fucking sad

call it what it is

its fucking sad

Continue reading →

shauny boy

stir up nostalgia

like dragging a stick through a puddle

and watching the sediment rise and fall

thats all we have left

you're gone

and you have been so for 5 years

and we still have an imprint of you

you were the one who got off lucky in all of this

you got to go out with a bang

and all of us will probably go out with a whimper

you got to stir the pot

and not have to deal with the way it settles

you didn't have to see it

you didn't have to feel it

your nerve endings died off

you didn't feel a thing

you were heavily medicated anyway

you were gone within the construct of a sentence

you were there for one word, and gone the next

and thats all it was

we were left to feel the vacuum pull at our bones that was left by your absence

to have to face each other with tears in our eyes

and see sides of each other we never wanted to see or show

and we still talk about it

the scars are still purple

and it still reduces us to tears

if you were here you would be yelling at us

calling us jerks and telling us to knock it the fuck off

but you're not

so we do what comes natural without you

i like to think you're somewhere laughing at us

and flipping us the bird

or humping an image of us all sad and lonely

being the total ass and hilarious dick that you were

maybe i'll see you again, i cant say for certain

and it kills me

Continue reading →

forever doesnt exist

theres no such thing anymore as forever

and somebody else can do it better

when all that you hope for and all that you love

is all made of cardboard and isn't enough

nothing holds substance, its all an illusion

were planning our lives under one big delusion

theres nothing out there, it'll never feel right

when i lay my head down, im alone at night

go back to your houses, go dig your graves

because working and slavery are one in the same

you'll never reach the top with love in your heart

your fucked if you stop, and fucked if you start

we thicken our skin with the burdens on our backs

but emotional stability is something we will always lack

cause theres no such thing, were wired this way

to be miserable for any reason, given the right day

im tired of putting one foot in front of the other

and no man is kind enough to give to another

without expecting something back, what will you do for me

the one who lies the best can drain the most out of me

and im only here for you, and when im done throw me away

cause that is all there is too it, until my dying day

so you can turn the other cheek, think positive and hopeful

but i just think that you're a liar and the truth is hard to swallow

life isn't what you make, life is pointless and bleak

life is crawling on your knees for miles to try to get some sleep

and everything you put your heart into will always go away

and it'll hurt, and it'll sting until your old and gray

it doesn't get better, you're a bunch of fucking liars

don't sell me all your sympathies, your preaching to the choir

this is all that there is and its going down the drain

so put a bullet in that gun and point it right at my brain

put me out of my misery, im broken and lame

im a horse thats thrown a shoe, im a face without a name

i am every man who ever felt the weight shift on his back

cause im through with lying, the worlds about to crack

every man dies, and looks pathetic when he does it

the caskets just a courtesy, the worms will burrow through it

we all return to the earth, we all break down and rot

i hope my headstone doesn't say that i was something that im not

im no great man, no hero, nothing special in these veins

just a man full of sadness who cannot deal with the pain

so i write it all down, and give it pretty little rhythms 

to polish up my story, to fool you into something with them

oh my pathetic little words, watch a crippled man cry

i never had a happy ending, and i never said goodbye

Continue reading →

you remind me

your goddamn face

goddamn that face

you make me feel 

the way i don't want to feel

you remind me of how lonely i really am

you break down my walls

things i buried deep

you dug them up

and now they're in my sleep

Continue reading →

anxious times

anxious times, for no reason at all

when you just cant sit still

and you feel like theres something wrong

you try to put it out of your mind

move on and do something else

but you cant help but feeling

that somewhere else

something horrible is happening

and its gonna change things for you

for the worst

shallow breathing is still breathing

shallow breathing is not dead yet

stomach in knots

and bile in my veins

i trudge on

i keep going

the world doesn't got time

for anxious feelings

the train is leaving with or without you

so you suck it up

smack yourself a bit

and make those legs move, goddammit

one after another

deal with it later

that seems to be the motto for life in general, nowadays

deal with it later

Continue reading →

no surprise

its nothing new

and it changes nothing

not one palpitation in my chest

i have been through all of this before

back then it used to get to me

now, its just like breathing

i go through the motions

i look for treasures underneath the rubble

but everything shiny

it just a glare

there is nothing left under the sun

just little teasers

they used to get my hopes up

i don't have hopes anymore

i have no faith left in anything

and I'm just doing my time

till its ok for me to die

its more habit now than anything

to go through the motions

and continue on as if there's purpose

truth is, i haven't felt purpose in a long time

I'm not surprised by anything anymore

i wake up, i distract myself, i go to bed

same cycle ever day, every year

maybe i need a change

but i don't even want to try a change anymore

i don't really care

all life is pointless

all things are meaningless

and everyone lies to themselves everyday

trying to convince themselves that it isn't true

but those facts hang over your head

and they resurface every now and then

you cant keep the truth buried

you cant make a dead horse move

and we are all living in a dead fucking horse carcass

and its going nowhere

Continue reading →

waiting

i keep waiting for the end

and it never comes

all i want is for it all to be over

and everyday, another day

you have every reason to live

i don't care

i don't want reasons

i just want a warm place

to lay down

close my eyes

and slowly drift away

and not wake up again

we all just find distractions

we keep ourselves busy

dodging the hard evidence

that its all pointless

and you are all alone

you're alone in a room full of people

you're alone when she's cuddle next to you sleeping

none of this is real

none of this is permanent

and it will go away

faster than i can take it all in

it will leave before i am done with it

never satisfied

constantly thirsty

i feel as hollow now as the day i gained consciousness

this hole in my chest has been there

since as long as i can remember

and nothing has ever made me feel whole

theres no such thing as filling a void

i don't believe in love

i don't believe in god

and i go to sleep every night

alone

nothing changes

things just get more dismal

i just get more bitter

more cynical

i fake a smile

a play the role

go through the motions

make sure everyone isn't worrying about me too much

and every night i go to sleep alone

and every morning i wake up alone

because that is the way that it is

and that is a constant that will not change

i have never found anything worth living for

but i have a million reasons to die

and i've looked harder than most

there is nothing out there

stop that shit

stop fucking trying

just go about your business

the world is full of suckers willing to take you in

you can make a fine life feeding off people

Continue reading →

dead rotting deer carcass

stop asking me if im alright

when you know im not alright

you should know better than that

and the fact that you do

and that doesn't occur to you

makes me feel even worse

who the fuck are you

and where is the person i knew

is this what i can expect for the future

a lifetime of disappointments

and goodbyes

growing bitter by the hour

hating every single smile i see

you make your calls from the brighter side of the street

try a day in my shoes 

try an hour in my worst day

life lessons from degenerate swine

shitting on the little guy

to make yourself feel better

you jump from lap to lap

so that you don't have to figure out

how to do a goddamn thing for yourself

someone will always be around to take care of you

and you self inflict in private because of this fact

cut yourself when the doors are closed

when the layers are off

and the horror is real

and the mirror reflects the shit that you really are

you'll never pick away the bad in you

cause thats all there is left

and at the peak of it all

is the fact that destroys you

that all the books you read

and all the things you internalize

don't add up to shit

when you realize

you're just another pretty face

and thats all you are

getting nowhere with nothing

cause you want to be so much more than that

but you never figured out how to do a goddamn thing

for yourself

everyone you ever care about

will tire of you

and let you go for something better

because no one wants a future

with a mess like you

Continue reading →

character flaw

im always the one who's there in times of need

and you're always the one never there for me

but im foolish enough to love you

and let you walk all over me

you are not a good friend

you are a sad waste of my precious time

when all i want is to be important to you

when all i want is a little of your attention

but im only something to pass the time

im the person you turn to when the fun people are all busy

im taken for granted

always the third wheel

when im the one thats always been here

im the one around when everyone is gone

when your bullshit catches up to you

and everyone holds you at a distance

im the shoulder to cry on

im the comfort hug when you see your true face in the mirror

marked and ugly

full of lies and deceit

you are a walking, breathing character flaw

and you'll be cast out of everything you ever felt you belonged to

because of the shitty person that you are inside

and the shitty way you treat people

and there will come a day

when im the only one left

and i will kick you into the dirt when you are down

just to make sure you know that you have nothing

Continue reading →

reverse sexism

im a man

who has never hit a women

i was raised around women

i was raised by women

and taught nothing but violence

and when you preach to me about their beauty and grace

i cant help but wanna laugh in your face

cause they're no different 

and their nothing special

were just a bunch of fucked up people

with wasted potential

so im guilty of being born a man

who gets stared at for his size

who gets evil eyes from women

like im infected with lies

i never harmed a woman in my life

ive never talked down to a girl

ive never thought of myself superior

ive never felt like i owned this world

so don't give me all your shit

like you are more oppressed than me

but every woman in my life

has been terrible to me

but you don't hear me complaining

i still respect them all the same

were all just struggling along

don't assign me your blame

you don't have to blame a man

cause you've been treated unfair

were all just shitty people

with hatred in the air

yes i was born a man

i didn't have a choice

abused by women all my life

and now i finally have a voice

were just feeding the fire

when we try to find a way

to further separate ourselves

and pick the wound fresh everyday

i have never hated a woman

but i have definitely been afraid

a woman is just as capable of abuse

a woman is just as insane

im not convinced of your innocence

i see the bullshit in your eyes

yea you can fight your cause for women

but im a product of those lies

Continue reading →

she does not exist

and everywhere i look

every rock i turn

i find a pissed off little girl

mad at her father

who hates men

ive never done anything

never harmed a girl in my life

but i've had my share of girls

who fuck with my emotions

and ruin my life

theres plenty of fish

in a polluted sea

full of poison and spite

not one is worth it

pissed that the world doesn't revolve around them

fuck you forever

you miserable loathsome bitches

i don't need any of you

i've always been told to find the one

but she does not exist

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withered mother earth gives her children the cold shoulder

you don't know how it feels
and you don't really care

thats the problem we've had my whole life
my words mean nothing
my voice goes unheard

and the shallow walk around like they know something

i hear whispers from the side
yea, you know all about me
just another fucking kid
putting his nose where it doesn't belong

in this broken family you fend for yourself

our grandparents would be ashamed
that this is what you did to it
you don't fucking care about me
and thats the fucking point

im just there to use, to poke, to bend
a useful fucking tool

well i stand my ground
and i cast you out
you fucking leeches suck on someone else
i'll spend my time with people who give a shit
all the pick and pull, clawing away
you want me around to listen
not to be heard

well I'm a fucking person
and a smart one at that
and you could benefit from the things i have
to show you
but you don't want to know

i dont waste time with people
who don't value my opinion
you make me feel invalid
this family makes me feel suicidal
i have no foundation
no rock to turn to
cause you all crumble like sand
through my fingers
when all my life I've been
starved for one solid substance
something solid to stand on
and now i stand, tall and proud
and its not you
its not because of you
all of you have no hand in the molding of this man

this is why I'm bitter
this is why I feel nothing but emptiness
for you all Continue reading →