a letter i wrote to my sister

im not posting about you on facebook. that wasnt about you. i posted that thinking about my family and how i really don't have any. 

im not calling you a coward. you're not a coward and you've been pretty brave bringing kylee up on your own.

im never saying that, and no i dont pretend to know what you're thinking, but i do know that i am very receptive to peoples actions and the way the handle themselves, and ya know what. i can't always trust the things people say to me because i catch everyone in lies all the time. 

maybe i can come to you and talk to you about these things, but i really have never felt like i could. every time i tried i always felt like i hit a wall, and then we would have an arguement or you would get pissed off at me. 

sure, its probably hard to be a parent, but ya know what. you pulled it off, with everything we've been through you pulled it off. so thank excuse doesn't fly with me when it comes to mom and dad and bob. those people are fools and they will always be fools in my mind because they couldn't get passed all their bullshit to be good to us. they were too caught up in their selfish games and trying to hurt each other, and hurt each other THROUGH US i might add, that they didn't even stop to think what it was doing to us, and if they did stop and think, they didn't do anything to better it. 

i started putting you at a distance a while back cause honestly you weren't happy in your life either and you were malignant. every time i was around you i felt either attacked or close to being attacked. i was miserable myself but i made it a point never to take it out on anyone else cause thats what mom always did to me. 

i guess we just never made up for that. you couldnt be negative and angry anymore, i get that, but i never saw that. i was never told when this happened and at that point the damage was done. i never noticed any change in you, and that night at moms on your birthday you looked miserable and looking for a fight. i tried to stay out of your way but as soon as i walked into that house i could feel it in the air. it was thick and heavy like it used to be when we were kids, and then kylee started getting the end of that just like i used to and i had a flash back. i blacked out and when i came to jen had to tell me what the hell had just happened. 

and i heard through the grapevine that mom blames jen for me not being around anymore, like jen had anything to do with that. thats the most rediculous thing i have ever heard and of course mom has to lay the blame somewhere else cause she certainly can't take responsibility for things herself. 

if you say you were always there for me, then i believe you, but honestly it felt like the complete other way. i felt like if i brought it up to you and needed to vent, IN PERSON, not through emails or the computer, then you just got really angry and started fighting with me, which would trigger me and i would have a freak out that would take days for me to come down off of. 

people have panic attacks, yea, i have PTSD attacks. thats anxiety attacks on steroids. what some people might have they come down off of in an hour and feeling better lasts me weeks, sometimes 2. i am wracked with anxiety, INTENSE anxiety for weeks when i have an attack and that is the worst thing that i have ever had to deal with. its very hard to even recover from that even after the anxiety has passed, and i try to avoid those as best i can at all costs, cause who knows, maybe one day i just wont care anymore and i'll put a gun in my mouth. yea, it gets that dark, but no one ever wants to hear about that part. no one ever wants to talk about that. 

and when it came to mom, i just wanted it out in the open with her. i wanted to clear the air and admit that fucked up stuff happened so we could look at each other like adults with a clean conscience and say "ok, lets just call it square. you're sorry, im sorry. lets just admit that it happened" cause when mom denies the fact that it happen she denies the fact that my pain is real, and that pisses me off cause what i feel is very real and it eats me alive. 

i can't just get over it and stop being sad and angry. i was always tense for years. i had a knot in my stomach for YEARS, because i'd go to school and hate school cause i knew i wasn't good at school and it would make mom pissed off at me. then i would have to go home and be tense because mom and bob were always pissed off at me. i tried to just stay out of there way but they would always find a reason to give me hell, and then i would try to speak up and say enough was enough and i'd get a hand across my face. if i caught moms hands before she slapped me she would go into a rage and push me back on my bed and start punching me with closed fists. i had bruised ribs from one of her little black out rages that i had to hide and not show anybody cause i was embarrassed that my mother did that to me. then i had bob constantly telling me what a burden i was on my "poor mother" and they just backed each other up and ganged up on me. like i was trying to fail school, it didnt help when i had all this pressure on me to do better, but i couldn't do it. my brain doesnt work like that. i don't learn by people dictating to me, but mom didnt want to understand that, so instead i just wasn't trying and i was being a bad kid, so i deserved to get my ass kicked all the time. jesus christ dude, i remember being thrown up the stairs at our old apartment on trastevere for finally yelling back at bob. he just wouldn't leave me alone, and he kept nagging and nagging and nagging so finally i had just had enough and i snapped back, and mom came in from out of nowhere, knocked the fruit snacks out of my hand, slapped me in the face, and grabbed me and threw me up the stairs and screamed at me to go to my room. i don't feel like i deserved that. no one deserves to be treated like that no matter what they've done.

mom might not admit that it happened but she damn sure knows it does and now she has to live with that on her conscience. she did some fucked up shit that shes not proud of but that doesnt give her the right to sell me out and say to my face that she doesnt remember hitting me. look at me right in the eyes and lied to my face. and i remember being grounded for even joking about lying to her. what a fucking hypocrite. what a fucking waste of my time. 

this is good though. thank you for having this talk with me. it needed to happen, but honestly i didn't think you wanted to hear it. i have felt completely abandoned and told to shut up by my entire family and then when i give them what they think they want then im the bad guy. i've just felt like a pain in the ass all the years and i didn't want to piss anyone off anymore, so i went away. 

im seriously shocked to hear you say that you will always be there for me. i have no words for that, i don't even know if i believe. i'm willing to try though. 

you scare me sometimes cause i see a lot of mom in you and its terrifying. so when i've seen you interact with kylee sometimes i would have flash backs of mom treating me bad and i would try to stop it before it even got to that with you and kylee. i was so fucked up back then that i didnt even know how fucked up i was, so i'm sure i went about it wrong but yea dude, im not perfect either. and for all these years i've been put on this pedestal when all i wanted was to just be left alone. 

so when i see you ground kylee with a venom in your voice for lying to you, yea it makes me think of mom, and it scared the hell out of me that night on your birthday. it shook me to my bones, and then when she tried to express her anger and just vent a little by slamming a door, mom got all "i will teach kids manners" on her and went and yelled at her for slamming the door. should she have slammed the door? no. but in that situation i think we could have let her slide on that one a little bit. she just got ganged up on by her grandmother and her mother. did she fuck up? yea. she lied. but no one cared to figure out why she lied. no one wanted to talk it out with her. instead you two just attacked her, or what i felt was attacking, cause thats what mom used to do to me. i love kylee dearly. i have a special place in my heart for that kid because i was there where her father was supposed to be and i went to bat for that kid cause she needed me, and you needed me. i was put into a position that i should have never have been put into but ya know what, i went with it, i stepped up. so yea, i feel a little closer than usual to that kid. i felt like it was me and you against the world at that point. we were gonna raise this kid right and she wouldn't have to be exposed to the bullshit we were  exposed to like the smoking in the house fucking filling our lungs with their arrogance and bullshit, and the abuse. i thought you and i got out of there and we were gonna be safe. i thought we were a team. 

i guess i shouldn't have moved out of the apartments with you guys. i needed to really take a stab at my music thing and i didn't want to fuck you guys over cause i knew that sometimes i wouldnt have my rent and sometimes i wouldnt be able to eat or even know where i was sleeping. i needed that though, i needed to go through that and really live music, and it payed off. for once i had something beautiful in my life that made me feel good about myself and i did that all on my own, in spite of everyone trying to pull me down. in spite of all my mental illness i made something beautiful happen. i made art at its purest form and that was something that mom couldnt take away from. it was something that dad couldn't tell me was pointless noise. mom was always so quick to support me drawing and being an artist but when i got into it full bore she couldnt handle it anymore, and im left going "what the fuck, you told me to do this. you told me it was ok, im too far into it now." 

i thought that when i moved out of mattydale that you were gonna be ok. i thought that we had things set up enough to where you were gonna be ok. maybe i was wrong on that. maybe i shouldnt have done that. if thats the case then i really regret doing that. if i let you down on that and you needed me to be there then that fucking sucks and im really sorry about that. 

im kinda just thinking out loud here at this point. music was heading me in a really hard direction. something that i couldn't take you with me on. cause i knew that i would have months of living out of a van and trailer, and not being able to eat for 4 days straight, and not knowing where im going to sleep, or if i'll be able to sleep at all. i knew that stuff was coming and i had to do it to get my music going. i was willing to die in order to get my music going, cause i had nothing else. that was all i had so i was like "god, i hope this kills me cause i cant do anything else." it was either this works out or it kills me and then i wont have to deal with anything anymore. yea, i put my life on the line cause it was worth it to me. it paid off. i have two records distributed worldwide. i have my story, and my message OUT there. i have kids from buenos aires telling me they love my band and they really feel my message. i get kids saying come play germany, come play england. it feels great to actually be wanted. i guess in music i always got the bond and the family that i needed to feel. i never got that out of our family. i had to go somewhere else for that. 

somewhere along the line i just felt you resenting me or something, i dont know. you had this anger towards me or because of me and i felt it every time i was around you. i'd try to hang out with kylee and i could feel you being angry with me or wanting to keep kylee away from me like i was a bad guy or something. like mom did with uncle lee, when in fact she was the crazy one and uncle lee saved my goddamn life when i was a kid.

you have this anger in you that is really terrifying. you say hurtful things that i don't feel i deserve and well that makes me push even further away. like when you called me a loser in dads van. i felt that was really harsh and that cut me really deep. im not a loser. i was in a rough spot and trying to ride it out and get my footing again, all the while dealing with the effects of post traumatic stress disorder. it was really hard to do and on top of it all i get called a loser. dad had to console me because i was a goddamn mess. i went back into that house and cried my fucking eyes out IN FRONT OF DAD, and he's such an emotional cripple he didn't know what to do. he tried to run away. he was so awkward and uncomfortable, so im trying to not freak out cause im freaking out dad, but i can't hold it all in, and dads going "....ugh...i gotta take off, ugh, get yourself together man. you'll be ok." then dad gave me the most awkward hug i've ever had in my entire life. he was like a stick, he was tense and he didnt want to embrace me. it was a 'pat pat' on the back and i really needed a fucking hug, but dad isn't capable of that shit and it fucking sucks. they are not there for me. dad tries to be but he's fucked. he's been tossed around all his life so he's set in his ways and he just chases all the pain away with beer. i can't be a part of that. 

so yea, this is where the rift comes from.

dad is useless unless you need your car fixed.

mom is a pathological liar and she's abusive. she manipulates and she uses people. thats why bob is in the picture. he's a blank slate. he's dumb. just some moron that doesnt know anything and she can program to talk, walk, and do everything she says, and when she lies he will hide it with her. he will put out her fires and deal with her shit because hes a moron and she has him wrapped around her little finger. thats so fucked up dude. i dont want any part of that. mom manipulates. you cant leave her house without her going, "do you have any money?" "yea mom, im ok," "well just take 20 bucks" "no mom, im good" "take it, dammit." because she can use that against me later. she gave me 20 bucks so i should come over and deal with her bullshit and mow her lawn and pretend that i'm not angry with her. 

i tried to ignore it. i tried for years to forget the past and move on but i couldn't do it. it always comes back up. and when i look at mom i don't see my mother. i see this woman that has done me wrong so many times and expects me to respect and cherish her. for what? she hit me for my own good? i dont understand their logic. you shit on me all my life and tell me im worthless and a piece of shit and a terrible burden on you all and im ruining everything, im a fuck up, im gonna be just like my father, im gonna be an alcoholic, im gonna be a piece of shit, im going nowhere. respect that? she never gave me the benefit of a doubt. she never believed in me, and i have done things with my life that people never get to do in their entire lives. i've been on tour MULTIPLE times. i have seen the country, i have seen our entire country and soon im going to see the world, and all of that doesnt mean shit cause i still have moms voice in the back of my head telling me that im no good. i had to cut that off of me. i had to. i had no other choice. that was a cancer tearing me apart. mom is fucked up and she doesn't know how to treat people well. she manipulates and lies and i cant keep track of all her lies to figure out whats really going on. she ties me in knots and it gets me to the point where i just freak out and want to attack her. i don't like being brought to that point and i don't come back from that unscarred. that takes a chunk out of my soul every time that happens, and it takes me weeks to recover from the anxiety of it all. i have to sit alone in my room in god knows where with my thoughts and knowing that mom hates me, she thinks im a piece of shit. dad, who knows what he thinks. he drunk all the time. he's trying not to think. he doesn't want to feel at all, and bob has been nothing but a thorn in my side and a reinforcement for moms abuse because he's an idiot and he can't see what she's doing. so i have two of them jumping down my throat at all times. im the fuck up. i have been the place to put the blame in this family my whole life and i wear it on my shoulders every day. i have to deal with that and let it out little by little in little ways here and there. i have to vent everything out so it doesnt kill me and theres too much built up inside of me. i can't be around those fucking people cause they just keep filling up the bucket. i can't carry this weight anymore, and i can't keep apologizing for my freak outs and black outs when these people are what cause them in the first place.

it's like i have to be the glue that keeps it all together and i'm just not willing to do it anymore. the older i get the more i realize that mother and father, those are just words. they hold no water for me. i don't have a feeling behind those words. its been beaten and dragged out of me. i never asked to be born and it feels like im being punished for it.

you are my sister and i love you. i always will. i will always be there if you need me, but i have to be able to be open about this stuff. if we are to continue a relationship with each other then we have to have open lines of communication and understanding. we have to understand each other. you have to understand when i go away to fall apart, its because i dont want you to see that. i dont want your help because its ugly and theres nothing you can do to help me. i will only pull you down with me when i crash, so when i gotta go, its for a reason. im not just being a dick. its never a "eh, fuck her. i dont want to deal with her right now." no, its usually a "i am a mess and she cant see me like that cause i have to be strong for her and im not right now" cause if i fall you fall. thats the way it is. by now your probably thinking that you can stand on your own two feet, yea you can. im not saying you cant. im just saying that when you need me to be strong for you, i can't always be because i have all this shit to sort and deal with and maintain and make sure that it gets vented in a healthy way instead of hurting myself or other people. i've become the conduit for all of the ugly shit in this family and its been placed on my head, which ya know what, fine, i've made my peace with that, but if im gonna be that guy i'd like a little understanding when i come unglued. 

i have mourned moms death already. i feel nothing for her anymore. that may make you sad, but for me, all feelings for her are gone. i did what i had to do to survive her, and now i am what i am. it broke my heart to do it, but it had to be done. i cried for days and threw myself around my room trying to get it out, but in the end i got up and had a sandwich because thats how little it has to mean to me. i can't let that mean anything to me because its trying to ruin my life.

so here it is. this is everything on the table. where do we go from here? i feel used and abused and thrown out and mistreated by this family 100 times over and i dont have the energy left to do it again, so i have my guard up now. you people scare the shit out of me because i let you in and all hell breaks loose. you have always been an exception because we did have an understanding at one point, but somewhere along the way you kinda quit the team. maybe that was my fault. maybe i burned you by going to do my music thing. if it was im sorry. it's just hard to maintain any semblance of family and love when this shit is so broken like this. 

i still have love for you in me. i haven't shut you out completely cause i knew somewhere along the line we would work our shit out, but i can't allow myself to get into situations that trigger me cause then i black out and i break things and i hurt people and hurt myself and when i come to im in a pool of fucking blood and my hands are throbbing. yea, this has actually happened. jen got the brunt of that stuff in our relationship. we had a good run her and i. there was a lot of love there, but there was a lot of self discovery and in the end jen realized she was gay and that unfortunately made it so there was no room left for me. so that triggered my PTSD and we had to deal with that. we had to pull our roots out of each other because we had reached a crossroads and on top of it we had to be careful because i have mental disorders from a fucked up childhood and if im stressed too much i will snap and put my fist through a wall. i have to walk on egg shells around myself most of the time because i know that i am a ticking time bomb. this is the only thing i ever got from mom and dad. anxiety and black out rage. so yea, im a little burned up about it, and yea im not willing to let it all go because they have to pay for that bullshit. they deserve to feel like shit for the mess they made with their carelessness. mom deserves every snide remark and shit that i throw at her. she doesnt get to just walk away. my whole life has been one big back pedal to unlearn and undo the damage she did, so no. she doesnt get to walk away. she gets shit on, and i will be the person to dump on her cause she has it coming. she dished it out but she couldn't take and now she has met her match. everything has come full circle and i didnt break, and i'm coming back with an army to cut her down. 

and the thing about it is, i dont want to. 

i dont want to come back and dump it on her head, cause im better than that and im better than her, so all i can do is cut her out of my life. now she isnt even a memory. shes not my mother, thats just her title. she is nothing to me anymore and she never will be again because she had every chance in the world to do the right thing and she just fucked it up every time. i have no patience for fools anymore and i dont care who it is. if you are in my way i will cut you down. this is how i have been trained. this is how i have been programmed. i didn't ask for this. they made me this way and now they expect me not to be this way? where is the logic in that. i dont know what else to do. i am at a loss for mom and dad. they are set in their ways, they are both bullheaded and they dont want to hear any other way. i cant save them. i cant even be around them. so fuck em. those people have caused me nothing but pain. fuck it. get rid of em. i got living to do and a career to build. i have my own life now. it's finally mine. its finally my way. and no one is allowed to touch it. right now im at the point where i am holding onto it for dear life before someone comes along and ruins it on me. so thats the rift. thats why i'm not so quick to show up at your door and say hey. there's things you need to understand about me before i do that. a lot has happened to me and i am a very different person than the one you knew, and im changing every day. ptsd will do that to you, it makes you put your shit in order so as to avoid an attack. 

i wanna know that if i show up to your door that i will be welcome in your home and be able to hug my niece and hold my nephew, and not feel like i'm being looked down on or resented, and i don't want to have to leave feeling like im doing something wrong by leaving you there cause those feelings dont leave me. they add up and they take a chunk out of my soul.

thank you for reading this. seriously. thanks. this needed to be said, and honestly, a couple of years ago you weren't hearing any of this. no one was. and i was alone. 

so thats where i'm at. im trying to turn things around and learn to love myself and actually be happy and not have to feel guilty because im not somewhere doing something for somebody else cause they need me. i have a lot of healing to do and i still have a long hard road ahead of me for recovery, but im tough and im going to do it as long as i have some support in order to do it.