Journal Entry. 10:45 p.m. clay court apartments. cold and empty feeling in the air.

my niece yelled at me today for not being around. i haven't really seen her much in three years. i didn't realize it was that long. she said "it sucks not seeing my uncle who's been like a father to me my whole life…" that one cut me kinda deep. i know she's just being honest and expressing her feelings and there's variable that she doesn't understand in this whole thing, stuff no one will probably ever tell her. i try to be honest with her without being to harsh. theres things i think she's still too young to know, but the time is slowly approaching when she's gonna be old enough and im gonna tell her every rotten thing her beloved grandmother and grandfather ever did to me. she deserves to know. 

it's hard though. it's just easier to stay away. i feel unwanted. i feel like im the crazy relative with the mental problems that everyone wants to protect her from. they make me out to be a monster, and hell maybe i am a monster. maybe im wrong. all i know is, all i have ever tried to do is keep that kid from being exposed to anything traumatizing and actually have a chance at being a normal, happy kid. she doesn't need my stupid brain sputtering and arching and being fine one moment and insane the next. i feel damaging and i don't want her to have to see me like that. its a difficult situation and i guess its just easier to stay away. 

im no good, the damage has been done to me, im broken, and the people that she loves dearly, who she called grandma and grandpa are the ones who did this to me in the first place. yes, i've lived my own life since then and i've made the best out of what i had but you don't break something so thoroughly and expect it to function to its best capacity, thats just not sound logic and its trying to excuse the guilty parties. i wish i could forget what happened in my childhood but i am forced to deal with it every day. i am constantly walking around it and dodging it and living my life with it right in my way. its extremely debilitating and its not easily forgotten. this will take years to correct and i've only got about 5 good years of actually spotting the problem and dealing with it in a healthy way.

how do you explain all this to a 12 year old? how do you tell her that life is really shitty for some people and that no matter what they do they are always sad, they always feel alone even in a room full of people who love them, and they always feel like they are no good because of two people who were supposed to build them up and mold them into a person were not there to do that job and instead just made them feel worthless and in the way, a burden, a thing hemorrhaging their money away, a mouth to feed. they made me feel like i was the reason their lives were so miserable and that they always had unhappy looks on their faces. they made me feel like because they had kids they ruined their lives, and if it wasn't that way they sure as hell didn't make the effort to convince me otherwise, and when you're getting slapped in the face or told you're gonna be a drunk just like your father constantly, you kinda don't need to ask anymore, now do ya. 

and when you are taught in school constantly to never get in a car with someone who has been drinking, that alcohol is bad, and driving drunk is a sure way to die and you see your father doing those exact things your ENTIRE life, and are worried that maybe he's a bit too drunk to drive or that you're gonna get pulled over and he's gonna get taken to jail and you don't know whats going to happen to you, well then you kinda feel like he's not thinking about that stuff cause he's obviously doing it so maybe he doesn't give a shit about you either. and where was he when my mother was beating the hell out of me and making me feel like a piece of shit every day of my life for putting my shoes in the wrong part of the floor, or not being a very good student? he was getting drunk. so fuck him, and fuck her, and fuck what they did to me. fuck the fact that they even had me in the first place. i didn't get a fucking choice and i got landed with this bullshit. if i had a choice i would have flat out refused to be born to these fucking selfish idiots. who the fuck would want this. i have no joy in life. as much as i try to feel something other than sadness, its fleeting and it goes away just as fast as it came and the sadness returns. this is how i feel all the time. its not what i want, im not doing this on purpose. this is real life to me. this is truth. 

and when my niece was born i saw a clean slate. i saw a human like i had never seen a human before. she didn't have any illnesses or scars or bad feelings about herself. she was pure and fresh and i swore to myself on that day that she would never have to feel those things as deeply and as traumatically as i have experienced them. of course she is going to have some negative things happen to her, thats just life, but what i went through she will never go through and that is my promise. even if it means taking me out of the equation. she's better than me and she's only 12. thats gotta account for something.