practice what you preach

  i've seen the most narrow of minds of my generation throw a symbol up and pray to it. i hear them laugh and scoff at the people who believe in God, but they are another appendage of the same hand. 

  i've witnessed complete wastes of life, pieces of shit who have no sort of value or regard for anything in life yet they preach a message of drug free youth and pray to their beloved "X" trying to convince me and the rest of the world that they are a better person than i or anyone else just because they have obstained from substances, yet i see them indulge and addict themselves to things just the same. maybe not with drugs and alcohol, but with sex, with lies, with money, with fame. i've seen them delude themselves into thinking that its any different than obsessing over a drug high, than it is a natural chemical high. 

  people who demonize the act of getting high, these adrenaline junkies will put themselves at great personal danger just to get high off their bodies own natural chemicals. don't pretend that you aren't a junky just because you don't put a substance in your body. no, you merely fuck with your body into such intensity that it releases its own natural opiates and you get your "fix". 

  

  lets set the record straight. you are not a better person. you surround yourself with people who will help you keep up the charade cause theres strength and safety in numbers. when you want to lie to yourself, the best way to do it is to include your friends. you can be proud of yourself all you want for staying sober in the standard way, but you are a slave and pathetic in other ways. 

  these people are the first to preach sobriety and honor and are also the first to turn to violence, another addiction that leads to adrenaline addiction. violence is your gateway drug, dopamine is your opiate. 

  drink your caffeine, take your supplements and rip fuel to work out harder at the gym, to stroke your ego and lie to yourself that these are healthy alternatives. its no better or worse and you are basing your entire belief system on false pretenses. all addictions have disastrous consequences, and eventually your macho bullshit will eat you too. 

  straight edge is like communism. it works in theory, but when put into action by humans it is misconstrued and abused, and eventually it blows up in your face. this hitler youth, straight edge movement began as something pure and today it is a microcosm of nazism, stalinism, marxism, throw and ism you want at it. this has all happened before and you are too stupid to see it. i'm sure some of you have actually come to this realization on your own, but are too scared to entertain the idea or even bring it up to your peers. you do not question straight edge, you do not question your faith, your religion, your god. you fall in line and obey. you do what the good book tells you. you are just another sheep in the flock, just on another field, in another plain. 

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vultures

im so sick of all these sniveling, all bark no bite, self involved shit heads in syracuse. any sense of community or pride that i once believed in is dead. every last one of you fucks makes me sick to my stomach and i hope you die here where you belong, back stabbing each other, fuck each others girlfriends, stealing and lying to each other. you are all no better than the dirt you walk on, and when you're life turns to shit, or it already has, and you wonder why, just think back on all the shitty things you've ever done, or how many times you got on your safe and sound computer and acted like you had a  spine at all. 

whatever happened to DONT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYBODY. now everyone is so politically correct and quick to throw the non violence card whenever anyone actually tries to correct a wrong. you are all what is wrong with your lives and you only have yourselves to blame. no matter how much you smile in public, and claim to love all of your so called friends but would roll them over for a dime. you aren't fooling anyone and theres a reason you keep getting fucked over and left for dead. BECAUSE YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON. you have no regard for the consequences and you still think cause it worked for you in high school that it will continue to work for the rest of your life. there comes a point in time where you can no longer skate through life and you meet a fucking wall called REALITY. 

you are not my friends, and i am not yours. do not try to talk to me. do not try to get to know me. we do not share the same community, we do not share the same air. a foot long perimeter around me is mine at all times and if you step into that i will feed you your teeth no matter who or what you are, from now on. i don't want to even have any of you step into my line of sight for fear that i may have to vomit. 

i hope this city burns to the fucking ground and you have to suffer watching your children die in front of your eyes. that is what you deserve. that is what you have coming to you. your life is empty and meaningless and it always has been, and no matter of tattoo's or piercings or hair dye will change that. you can wear a mask all you want but eventually its gotta come off and you gotta come up for air, and that is when we will be waiting to point you out for the piece of shit that you are. 

you are all shapes and scenery to me now. you have no content. you are hallow. i will not regard you with the respect of a fellow human being because in my 30 years of living here, i haven't known any of you to even be a human being. i hope the weight of your guilt and shame drags your body down slowly like it did your grandparents and you die with regret cause that is exactly where you people are heading. no one will come to visit you. no one wants to be around you. 

i'll devote my time to the few who have proven they are worth it. the rest of you are ants for the crushing, and that is a promise. there will be no more talking it out. you are on the other side of the line now, and killing you or ignoring you would feel just the same to me. you have no idea what it is to feel unsafe and in danger cause you insulated your shitty little lives around liars and people who would nurture that kind of bad behavior. trust me, if you want a yard stick to measure yourself out, i'll be that yard stick. come and see what you are made of, or better yet, come and see what i am capable of. 

you fucking cowards. 

die a prolonged and relentlessly agonizing death. 

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dregs

abandon these people and their world. stick to things that matter most. you are smarter than this. be smarter. show the initiative first and influence in a positive light. turn off the noise. it only distracts you. keep your head in the game and play to your strengths. let the fools bury themselves in the weight of their sniveling and backstabbing. those are not your people. those are not your friends. those are the dregs of the earth and they congregate to draw blood and gnash their teeth at each other.

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i have no sympathy at all

im tired of the guilty trying to pull sleight of hand and lay the blame somewhere else  when it actually is on them. no one holds a gun to your head. your track record speaks for itself. i've asked around about you, i've done the research, it always comes back to the same thing; your refusal to learn from your mistakes. 

i don't even know why i get myself involved, partly cause i enjoy stating the obvious when people try so hard to cover up and mask the original topic. i see through the bullshit and i don't hesitate to make it known. it doesn't solve anything really, but it does out people for who they really are and i am able to remove them from my reality tunnel. its just part of the process of growing up, i guess. not everyone gets there right along with you. some of them just lay down in the path and let the darkness have them. 

i am not my brothers/sisters keeper. 

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your fault

i can barely remember it, but its in there. i remember my father calling me names when i did wrong when i was a kid. he called me names when he was angry. he would say "get outa there you little bastard. what the hell is wrong with you." sometimes i was a "son of a bitch." i remember the venom these words had and how they made me feel as a child. i felt unsafe, i felt like no one had my best interest in mind. this feeling has stayed with my into adult hood. i remember being told "quit crying or i'll give you something to cry about." my violent father who made me a violent person. i am angry with him for not having the sense enough to rise above his meager upbringings, for falling into the same traps that his parents did. 

he failed himself long before he failed me, and then he went and got married and had some kids. what the fuck was he even thinking? why did he think he could be any kind of father? the level of selfishness in this man is astounding to me. the fact that i ever called him father is disgusting to me now. he was never any father to me. i was in his way and a disappointment at every turn. it was my fault that he bore a son that was a complete opposite to him. i didn't like cars, or beer, or oil, or mechanic work. i didn't like cutting wood in a forest, and helping him out by basically being a slave. it was my fault in his mind. in my mind, he was a coward. he was a selfish coward who had no business ever having any children before he took care of the darkness in his own heart. he was just another fuck up flunky that didn't have the courage to think about the consequences of having a child, and i am the result of all that. i reject them. i am distancing myself from them because they are wretched fools who have done nothing but scar me and hurt me for my entire life. stupid people are dangerous and it doesn't get much more stupid than them. 

its been years since i've seen either of them and i can't get enough of years in between us to make the nerve less raw. 

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the good times are dead inside my mind

im not content with just the memories

they just get tainted when one sells the other out

all that rapture

ends up in fractures

and all the love you make

just turns into a burn in your gut

can't wash you out

when i feel used

like loosing a finger

and having to live with it the rest of your life

i block out every memory

cause all the good times mean pain and regret

so i don't think about you

i don't think about it

cause i'll just end in a place that i don't want to be

pulling glass from my knuckles

another scar i don't even remember how i got

inside the walls of me

like bunkers in the mountains

twenty foot thick steel doors 

with locks that could survive a nuclear blast

my defenses

render your attempts senseless

and inside my fortress of a chest cavity

there is rot

there is pieces of my emotions

murdered and dissected

turned inside out and thrown around this husk

and my heart is kept at gun point

where if it moves the wrong way

we'll pull the trigger

and send that cunt back to allah

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Back door

 On the weekends

I go and flirt with god

I go into a trance and ascend to the higher realm

And I visit with god 

I am convinced it is in my imagination

But it swears it is real

I lay down in its grace

And feel love like ive never felt in the real world. 

It strokes my hair and calms me down

It eases all my sorrows

But I always have to leave it in the end

No one is supposed to know the back doors to gods house 

But I do

It doesn't scold me or tell me I'm not supposed to be there

It just loves me and showers me with good feelings

The whole time trying to convince me to believe

To have faith and carry my faith with me

But I just tell it to hush

Cause I am imagining all of this

And god is only in my head

It says, "then why do you keep coming here if you don't believe in me"

I say, "cause this is better than reality"

God tells me I am being stubborn

That I have more proof than anyone

Yet I choose not to believe in what I experience

I tell god that I am on drugs and that it's the back door to his house

That drugs are only figments of imagination gone rampant

God tells me that he created all of it so it's all part of the same thing

It's the same old tired argument with god

I get sick of it so I tell god to hush up and stop wasting time

I only have so little time to visit after all

Before I come down and can no longer walk these realms of being

And I will go back to my life of disbelief 

And never tell a soul that I have met god

Cause it very well may all be in my head

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nature wants to spit you out

the strong are better than the weak

the wounded are food for the fit

survival is the only law

chaos is your society

let the dying become dead

and feed their nutrients back into the cycle

we have to loosen our grip on the notion

that we can save everyone

some do not want to be saved

some think it is the highest form of blasphemy

to try and deny the natural order

all sinners and in opposition to god

whichever form you might believe in

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take pills when angry

medication numb

and faithless

bitter to the core from experience and living it

drag the knife from the wrist to the elbow

i swear i don't feel a thing

i burn the wound closed

but bits of flesh keep breaking open

i laugh at the looks i get

annoyed at the plasma and puss that keeps running like a dripping faucet

give me an hour to get myself together

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plateu'd

here i am 

on the cusp of adulthood

31 on the horizon and it still hasn't gone away

i still feel every nail thats every been dragged through my skin

someone should invent some sort of switch for this

i still hang out in rooms by myself

with a computer on my lap

and music in the air

i can hear the voices from the other rooms

laughing and enjoying themselves

and im the weirdo alone in his room

the one who can't seem to every get his guts tied together right

they always just fall right out

the one with the dirt under his finger nails

and the scabs in all the wrong places

who looks at himself in the mirror

and tries really hard to like what he see's

every pill they give me, every one i try on my own

does nothing but buy me time

does nothing but plug the drain

it'll all get through eventually

i get so mad at myself 

i thought by now i would have had some sort of clarity

but its still the same thing

getting to this age isn't an accomplishment

its an embarrassment

all it says is 'you didn't try hard enough to die'

i was certain i would never get here

but here i am

burned out and paper thin

dejected and mistrustful

ready to pounce on the next fucker that looks me in the eye

cause everyone i see

is an annoyance to me

we live such hollow existences

but we don't know what else to do

so we get on our feet and move along

how are you supposed to find truth 

when everything is such a fucking joke

how are you supposed to find that one good thing

when everywhere around you, people are careless and arrogant

some asshole got to all the good stuff before i did

its the story of my life

a hand-me-down life, full of patches and loose seems

you need to carry a sewing kit with you at all times 

just to make it through a day

i see history repeating itself everyday, before my very eyes

i've seen it before, but no one believes me

they tell me to sit down and shut up

i feel the way my father used to look when i was a kid

hard and sore, worked to the bone

sun bleached hair, and dead eyes

angry as ever with the pilot light always lit in that internal furnace

its there if you need it

but god, what a cost

and every morning theres an ache in my soul

i still want to curl up and cry

but that wont make the people shut up

you have to walk among them in order for them to not pay attention to you

you have to pretend you are one and the same

and go home and cut away the little bit more of you that died

i see old men get older

and their eyes get colder

and i know they're just waiting to die

my father, his father

all muscle and bone

with an itch they can't scratch

so they stay busy cause it distracts them

why doesn't it work for me

why am i never distracted from it

no matter what i do

its always there

i can always feel it

even in the happiest moments of my life

i can feel it

waiting for my smile to fade

laughing cause it knows it cant be put away

im alive but i aint livin 

er something like that

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Stranger everywhere

These people are not your friends

This town is not your home

You are a stranger in a familiar place

But stranger all the same

Lost among the refuse and the weeds

The dregs weigh a ton and their roots go deep

The frustration you are feeling is natural

It's all part of the trauma

When you wake up clutching your pillow

Like you are choking someone to death

Then you will truly know 

That it has finally manifested 

And you have become something else

Than what you were when you were born

You could do well somewhere else, anywhere else

You could fulfill what you are really capable of

You just have to cut the roots off

And walk through the pain

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Morning shift

Going to work at 2:45 in the morning

Your heart just cries

There isn't any life on the streets

And you just want to curl into a ball

And let the sadness have you

There isn't a reason to carry on

There is only darkness in your soul

And this early in the morning

Your defenses are down

And it's devastating and awful

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I live to smack passive aggressive retards in the mouth. If you have something to say, then fucking say it or keep your bullshit to yourself. History teaches me that most times that shit comes from knowing that what you have to say is unfounded, irrational and wrong so you lash out behind a safe place. I have no time for cowards so I treat them like you would any fly that won't stop landing on you. You swat it away and swat at the air. 

If you don't have the guts to really do something about your gripes then you are a bitch and nothing more. These are always the people that get treated like a bitch and wonder why they are treated so poorly by other people. The world doesn't need you. Kill yourself. Never breed. 

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doomed to repeat

we are liars when we say we love each other

we say forever and mean whenever its convenient 

and when it stops being convenient

we'll throw each other away with the garbage

we're damaged goods

and thats about it

the sky doesn't open up

the angels live only in books

the sensation is only chemical

and the new toy feeling fades

the worst part of it all is admitting it to yourself

we're on our own, all alone

and we foolishly try to be together

the cycle repeats

the story is plagiarized

and no one seems to notice

or learn the lesson

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dreams are a cruel joke

stagnant

too fucking tired to care

my burned out rock n roll dreams

laughing back at me

i love the sound of spinning your wheels

and how it keeps me up at night

stuck at the mercy of other people

i need a helping hand

i need a tow out of this rut

theres no drugs when the money runs out

and no other comfort comes close

im dependent by default

and i have a very big problem with that

born inside this machine

with a sinking feeling that something isn't right

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avalanche

words of wisdom?

or an avalanche of bullshit

nothing impresses me

and everything saddens me

i live for the moments

when i forget the grief 

when the energies align

and i don't remember how fucked it all is

you had a dream?

fuck your dream

you haven't earned a dream

you gotta live it and prove you mean it

thats the only way

all their smiles

all their faces

its all so confusing to me

what am i missing?

why does it make me want to

kill myself

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napoleon complex

children play games

trying to emulate the work of a man

little men do the same thing

puffing up their chest

trying to prove themselves harder than most

its a sad affair and its pathetic

you aren't earning any respect

you're just making everyone roll their eyes at you

those who resemble children will be treated like children

when they act like children

don't force my hand

and get upset when its time to pay the consequences

don't prod at a bomb

and cry 'woe is me' when it goes off in your face

don't raise your hand

to a dog that's been beaten

cause when you are forced to comply with the laws of nature

survival of the fittest will come into play

and the little man trying to wear a big mans shoe

will be swallowed whole

word of the wise

know when you shut your mouth

you may feel like you've been to dark places

but i will show you darkness where nothing grows

i will show you the distance

where friend or foe is no longer a distinction

where madness and chaos are the only law

and when i am picking my teeth with your bones

i will feel nothing

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that kind of girl

that kind of girl

you can tell all your secrets to

try to hold on but

you can't help but slip

she's the kind that matters

the one you've been waiting for

she holds her own head up

she wont be ignored

she asks me for nothing

'scept my company

and we talk till the sun comes out

and fall to our knees

we laugh a lot, giggle

about stupid things

cause theres beauty in the details

like tugging on strings

she knows how to make things

seem even better

with the sound of her voice

i can't forget her

she went right in my head

i knew it that moment

we don't need lights

just the glow of the tv

and everything feels

encased in a bubble

its just us in the world

the rest is just simple

and i feel her shake

a nervous little jitter

cause for once it is real

she feels something big

and i know that i feel it

my heart starts to hang

im alive for the first time

in a very long while

the light crept right in

and opened up everything

ashes to ashes

whatever you want

you can ask of me anything

which rooms to haunt

and gods not a person 

i do believe

but it made a small place here

for you and me

and if i could just thank it

i owe it so much

but it doesn't want anything

but a life for us

that kinda girl

that could change your whole world

by simply existing

like some kind of pearl

she don't know what she has

its just part of her soul

but to me its so valuable

better than gold

i would give it all up

im that kind of fool

just to keep it all sacred

for me its a rule

when you got one that matters

everything tossed

to the side of your caring

another days lost

i don't have anything

theres nothing to lose

i can feel my heart shaking

strippin at the screws

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misanthropy

sanctimonious assholes

your iphone 5 is the furthest reach of your vision

solipsism in its sunday best

go to church

go to the mall

buy another lie

and cut your own throat

i will bathe in the blood

and choke on the powder of your bones

if you want a god to believe in

it is not in a building

that is a place for fools

who don't have the guts to find it in themselves

the contents of your wallet

is your god

and you all know it

its all in your head

and its trying to work its way into my head

and i don't fucking like it

averting your eyes from the gun toting lunatic

when he is just a mirror of yourselves

you want to look for someone to blame

try looking in the mirror

the damage has been done

and we're all gonna burn for this

advancing technology faster than ever before in human history

a wealth of knowledge and a library at your finger tips

and youre still the dumbest motherfuckers

drooling and slobbering on each other

pushing for the feeding troth

i have no sympathy for any of you

i want to be the one to drop the match

to start the fires that burns you all

i am so sick of being a human

and sharing any sort of common thing with any of you

i am so ashamed of us

and when those closest to me

those do gooders who tell me theres hope

try to put their arm around me

i give them one warning 

and then the gloves are off

everyone has evil inside them

and the hibernating ability to turn coat and attack

its in us all

its a choice you make to not indulge your insanity

so why am i being so careful to keep mine at bay

when everyone else just pisses where they please

you have no vision

no thought in how it affects us all

i am sick of having to live in your world

of having to adjust to the new rules put into place

from your arrogance and ignorance

of having my life adjusted because of your stupidity

no one is worth it

no one will be spared

i can't stress this enough

i despise every last one of you

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ghosts

i guess i'll never really get over you

and i have to accept that fact

im still not over any of them

but you, that was the one i thought i had for the long haul

you haunt my dreams

last night was particularly heart wrenching

i woke up with that feeling

like i lost you all over again

and it carried with me all day

i miss that person

but you're not that person anymore

i couldn't get her back if i tried

she wanted to become someone else

and she pushed me out of her life in doing so

that person i knew is dead

i wish i wasn't so scared to walk around town

afraid of running into a corpse

i guess i go all in way too far

i guess i should save something for the break up

something to get me through to the other side

but thats not in my nature

and i guess i kinda hope it kills me, every time

it never really goes away

we just learn to ignore the ache

but there are always times

when the ache gets the best of you

all my failures walk through my life like ghosts

haunting my houses, scattering my life

making sure i never truly get to sleep

you were supposed to be the last one

the reason for living

the way through all the trauma

the one light i had

now i don't let anyone close

my nerves wont allow it

now i just want it all to end

im gonna end up in box

with my whole life ahead of me

and my talents a shame

im gonna end up a disappointment

like everything else

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