Lee-vil-dead is dead

A man dies

The only pure person in a family of rats

While his sister

The Queen of wounds

Sits on her throne of self righteous justice

Being a cancer of her own

And spreading contempt and hate

Through everything she touches

Apparently she placed a hand on her brother

Cause he is now gone off, into 4 dimensional space

That we can not see in our slices of 3 dimensional world 

You would think that would convince a person

To be less toxic to the world

But leeches can only be what they are

Consume and suck all resources 

It’s never enough until everyone is empty

She’ll fly her feminist flag

Before she’ll fly any flag that protected her while she sleeps peacefully

She’ll scream victim

While victimizing and preying on kind people

And call herself the hurt one

This has gone on far too long

She is never going to stop killing people

Drain everything in a ten mile radius

That was born with a penis

Cause she read a book called “cunt”

And took it in as doctrine

Karl Marx rears his ugly head

And history repeats itself 

Like Einstein’s definition of insanity

Repeat over and over

Expect different results

A good man is dead

He never married

A line of bad girlfriends that wanted open relationships 

And they call us toxic

Meanest bunch of people I ever met

This is a very sad world we live in

And it doesn’t have to be this way

But we do not like each other very much

And everyone has to get their way

How dare they ask me why I’ve abandoned all of it

Grief is as selfish as suicide

  Today I bested the tyrant. Tomorrow I topple walls. The world is not prepared for me now that I am feeling good and released from the bonds of depression. I topple giants, and I run through enemies. There is still something to be said for the decency of good men in this world, and that's what I aim for. 

        What they don't understand about suicides is how thankless a job it was to "help so many other people." They always talk about their lost friend in that way, that they touched so many peoples lives and helped so many people, but what they never seem to understand is how taxing it is to be "helping so many people". The grieving left alive never think about anything but themselves, unfortunately, and how the death made THEM feel. Well, no one seemed to care what it was doing to the poor person who took their own life. No one seemed to notice or probably even hear the cries for help, when all the worlds wounded gathered around this sensitive person who "helped so many people"  like some beacon in the dark, and the swarm of the gathering crowd just smothered and suffocated that light.

I'm reminded of the stories of beach goers who killed a dolphin because they picked it up and passed it around, marveling at the beauty of a real live dolphin in their hands that they could touch, but none of them remembering that this beautiful creature breathes water and is suffocating out in the air. In the end, it dies in their hands while they still continue to bask in it's glory. Then they set it back in the water while it goes belly up and floats there. What do they all do? They walk away. I feel like most suicides are like that. Everyone basking in their light, but really what they are doing is sucking the life force from these special people so much that they feel they have no other choice but to just "unplug" and take themselves out entirely. 

When people kill themselves, all their loved ones can do is sit around and talk about how it's made THEM feel. The reality is that they weren't there to ask how the suicidal person was feeling. They never seemed to give a shit how much pain they were in when they were alive. Who's more selfish? The person who kills themselves or the assholes who want to keep the suicidal person in agony and torture just because they don't want to have to deal with a death? They don't want to have to sit with their emotions of having that person gone, because in this culture we are in complete denial that death is a part of this whole thing. It comes with the territory. We are constantly programmed to "not talk about those things" or "don't speak about such ugly things". 

So now you have to deal with the sadness and the grief that you are left with because someone else is gone from your life. Oh, poor you! I empathize with your pain, but I DO NOT sympathize. You were fine as long as you could go about your day and forget that your friend or loved one was in pain so bad that they were contemplating suicide. Could you really have done anything different? Do you really have the hubris enough to think that you could have saved them? Do you even know how long it takes for someone to come to that decision, or muster the courage that one has to muster to complete that kind of action? But no, you're the one in pain now, and we should all coddle you like you  DIDN'T coddle your suicidal friend. Hell, maybe you did coddle them? It still wasn't enough. 

Grief is one thing, but attention seeking and needing your feelings validated is hijacking the actual subject of what has occurred here. Yes, it's very sad. Yes, they are gone forever. But also, yes, you didn't heed the warning signs. Yes, you didn't ever think it would come to this. Yes, you failed them as much as they failed you by killing themselves. So let's try to have a little respect and compassion for someone's passing, no matter if they chose to take it into their own hands or it happened naturally. 

STOP CALLING THEM SELFISH

It's dismissive, and it makes you look like a selfish asshole. It completely dismisses the utter torment that they were in for probably longer than you could even imagine, and I'm willing to bet that was pain on a level that you yourselves wouldn't be able to take for as long as they did. There is NOTHING stronger than a person who gets up everyday with psychological wounds and mental illness. The reality is that sometimes, no matter how strong a person is, they aren't strong enough to keep them from the inevitable end. 

None of us are innocent in a suicide. How dare you make it all about you and how it's making you feel! Where we're you when it was critical in how THEY were feeling? Death is a part of the package. You signed up for the entire package the day you were born. You don't get the light without the dark. I for one am tired of selfish assholes who walk around like they are so shocked and wounded by the darkness that was right in front of their faces, but they chose to live in denial about it until the shit hit their proverbial fan and flew in their face. That kind of behavior is beneath every one of you, and it really says an awful lot of terrible things about the content of your character. 

World Threw The First Punch

Stand convicted

Guilty before proven innocent

The court of public opinion

They just want to see someone bleed

They used to burn witches

Now they burn outcasts

Someone said it online

It’s true, it has to be

Believe all victims

A victim never lies

A billion innocent lynchings

We forget those times

They used to burn garbage

Now they burn loners

Eternal victims, crocodile tears

I got a sob story too but I don’t whine

The world threw the first punch

The world drew first blood

Not me

When innocence proven

No apologies are given

No outrage at the liar

The mob disperses quietly

They used to burn heretics

Now they burn individuals

You have to be one of us

In this twisted society

Recreational outrage

Take out all your problems

Through a filter of your flaws

Never question your own intentions

They used to burn crosses

Now they burn freedoms

No one is ever left alone

Attack without question

The world threw the first punch

The world drew first blood

Not me

The Miser King

Everyone is pretending
Fake facades 
Well built illusions to reinforce there lies
Your eyes all tell different stories

Only emptiness inside

Who are you when no ones watching

Whats your life if no one shares it

i lie, 

both beside you, 

and too myself

My heart breaks perpetually

As one day ends and another begins

Staring at the future 

That does not look bright at all

Too big to fail, too high to fall

When we get desperate is when things get crazy

I am the Miser King

I can’t do anything

God Will Beg Me for Forgiveness

Im fucking over this

I am fed up with hope

I’ll break illusions over my knee

I chew my tongue to shut me up

No one told me death would be so hard

I can’t even just fucking die

I’m forced to live through all this shit

Malignant and contagious

Never enough rope

Never a tall enough building

Too many safety nets

Too many pathetic attempts

Lets get this over with

I am not proud of this

Whats left to drag me through

All cuts and lines in my skin

The air not fit to breath

The food not fit to eat

The sights not fit to see

Always something wrong with me

I always feel so sad

And I just mask with hate

Pissed off internalized

And all these empty eyes

Small, Faint Noises

You can learn a lot from the droning of a fan in a silent room. 

Sometimes I hear truth in the white noise.

The feel of the air being pushed over my sweating body. 

It comforts me, tolerates me. 

Sometimes I hear voices, like whispers from some unknown frequency

Bouncing off of radio waves and the filaments in my teeth

Maybe it’s me, Maybe it’s not

In those moments 

I find the most potent truths

Things that stay with me for a lifetime

And forged the paths that I have led through my life

All from a bit of madness

Sometimes I hear crying

Pleading and begging

I hear prayer

I try not to listen to those 

Cause I feel like I’m intruding

I’ve tapped into a frequency that was only meant

for a person and their creator

I am just a passerby 

Who happened to stumble onto your transmission

Forgive me

A lot of times, I hear arguing

A lot of people arguing over things that don’t matter

A whole heap of people trying to get one over the other

It makes me sad

It makes me realize the flaw in my own contentious nature

Whats the thrill of always being right

When everyone hates you for it

Whats the use in having all the facts

When it makes you a target

The droning of the fan goes on

And I listen with closed eyes

Lulling me to infinite sleep oblivion

I have slept this way since childhood

It has made me who I am

Nothing but a dull hum

A whisper

But if you listen close enough

An important one

Love and Other Mistakes I've Made

They’ll love you as long as you fit

into this narrow little bandwidth 

of an idea of what they want you to be

as a person

They won’t apologize for their hurtful selfishness

and unrealistic expectations

of the perfect person they think you are supposed to be

as their partner

while never really looking in the mirror themselves

and seeing what a mess of a person they are

Not holding themselves to their own judgements

or considering the work they haven’t done on themselves

but you don’t hold them accountable for it

You will love them unconditionally

While they swear that they deserve better

yet haven’t earned better

Their idea of love in their head is fantasy

and nothing more

They are chasing a dream they once had

that has never had a chance in reality

They judge other by their actions

but judge themselves by their intentions

Never considering the reverse

There is no chance for love anymore

as the selfish and the narcissistic inherit the earth

The idea of toxicity is a buzz word for cowards

They who smelt it, dealt it

Maybe you’re the toxic one

Maybe your so called “journey” is a hot mess shit show

Because you are a black hole inside

Heartbreak and Mental Illness

The pain is nearly unbearable, and those who haven't gone through it have no concept of it. Though, there are certain psychopaths or other pathological people that are numb to feelings that would disregard it, having gone through it and come out the other side saying "It wasn't that bad." My response to that is "I don't think you did it right." The reason that it always hurts so bad, for me, is because I go at it with everything I have in me. I give all that I have to love and relationships and they leave me absolutely disembowled. I've push my guts back into my body, hugged my torso, and ran for dear life so many times that you'd think I would have died by now. 

The torment of a failed love is one of the worst pains I have ever had to endure. It reaches physical pain and ache in the form of not being able to eat or sleep, not being able to get out of bed. It's like all the color is slowly washing out of the world and you're watching this in real time. Everything seems stale and lifeless. Your food has no taste, music has no luster, breathe has no life. It's possible that this is just the perception filtered through the being of a depressive pessimist, but very few things in this world have shook me to my knees easier and harder than love. 

Pathetic Sad Man in the Age of Quiet Death

Grey existence, late thirties

Still sore from old wounds

Feels pathetic

I know I’m petty

Cant let go

Got cut too deep

She took a piece of me with her

Still rattling the bars of the cage

Heart still jumps at your beautiful face

You tasted like drugs

Everything in moderation

I couldn’t stop

Got strung out on you

You were the one I always wanted

Fell in love with you in the 7th grade

It wasn’t supposed to end like that

I never prepared for that

You’re not you anymore

Someone else walks around in your skin

Doesn’t remember my name

Or the urgency in our voices 

When we said “I promise”

I’ll take this one to my grave

Always a wound that aches

Rub where it’s sore

Teeth clenched

Old pain on tired bones

You weren’t there when I needed you most

Disappointed for the rest of my life

Lost my faith in everything

Emotional Slave

We’re a nation of adults who don’t understand our feelings

Left out in the dust by a generation past us

Never had fathers worth a shit for ourselves

Never had mothers who didn’t shower us with guilt

We are fractures and shards of a broken machine

Expected to function as human beings

You never gave us the tools, You never gave us a chance

We’re the sons and daughters of a dystopian land

And Im so fucking angry it ended up this way

We never asked to be born into all this decay

So we’re erasing your history and burning your past

You don’t deserve to live on for all the souls you’ve outcast

The debt is in blood and and we’re coming for pay

And we’re no longer listening to a word you say

You all birthed your own wrath from your selfish loins

And the price you all owe won’t be paid in coins

We’re collecting your heads to be kept on stakes

Like a new age Golgotha in the name of heartbreak

All the lives that you stole, all the dreams you have ruined

For the fleeting afterthought of the creation of new humans

We’ll tread over the ground that lays on top of your graves

This is the emancipation of emotional slaves

Anhedonia

Everybody loves you

Everybody loves you

All I hears a dial tone

All I hears a dial tone

I feel numb, I feel

I feel numb, numb, I feel numb

I feel nothing

I am so ungrateful

I am so ungrateful

Smell the flowers, scoff at the flowers

This is not enough

Never enough, I give up

Somethings wrong with me

Somethings wrong with you

Damaged goods and broken

Damaged goods and broken

Not enough to fill the void

Carl Jung and Sigmond Freud

Emptiness, emptiness, emptiness

Shapes without content

I have grown to resent

I am not the one

Not your loving son

Love is cultivated

Only if reciprocated

Adoration is useless

Counterproductive nonsense

I feel nothing, give me something

Pinch me, cut me, slap me, nothing

I’m not living, this isn’t living

A house is not a home like

A beating heart is not a life

A breathing lung is not purpose

A pop up tent is not a circus

Cannot smile without a force

Can’t take from my own source

Numb and emptiness, Numb and emptiness

Feel so goddamn lonely

Everyones a phony

Envy isn’t flattering

Marvel at my puppet string

Dance and sing my sorrow

Another fucking tomorrow

Dull hum of life, dragging on strife

This movie is boring

Fell asleep and snoring

Daydreaming is a constant

I feel so despondent

Smile for the picture

Keeping up appearance

Lets all play pretend

Joy is on clearance

You don’t even know me

You see what you want to see

Idolatry’s beneath you

You could do what I do

My brain never stops

Cannot shake this off

Constant nagging torture

Textbook case disorder

My biggest supporter

Will be the loudest mourner

Crying over spilled milk

Laid to rest in fine silk

Appreciation not found

Six feet gently lowered down

Rotting in the cold ground

Suicide king wears his crown

He never married, he never married

What a shame, what a waste

Never found his sanctuary

Such a sad and forlorn disgrace

Onto the next, time will forget

Bones to dust, space resets

Just four generations

Completes all negation

Records are deleted

History repeated

Life left uncompleted

Time is undefeated

Always the Bullet Wound

I breathe you out

Fighting instinct to curse your name

It’s not anybodies fault

But I blame myself for no reason

I won’t bother you

I know where I belong

Right next to the mailbox

On the side of the road

I’m always the part they throw away

Always in the way

Begging for love, someone to care

But empty outlines of people

Cannot fulfill me

Getting older now

It’s getting silly

I’ve always been a late bloomer

Im sick of being lost

The emptiness aches too much

Tethered to this world 

Of perpetual cold shoulders

Touch and I fall apart

Sigh and my eyes well up

Look and my heart explodes

I was wired wrong

Sensitivity threshold set too low

And every minor thing

Is a raw nerve touched

Defective right from the factory

B-Stock item, sold for cheap

Never for me

Good things only happen to regular people

Broken people get what’s left

Used up, worn out

Nothing to call my own

Nothing that matters

Always the bullet wound

Never the bullet

I Do My Time

Everybody loves you

Multiple people have said to me

People respect you

Admire you

But nothing gets through

Like a dull spot in my vision

Like a frequency I can’t hear

The wiring is faulty

I can’t feel your love

An anhedonic haze

Slathered in lidocaine

Numb in only that spot

I wish I had an answer for you

I don’t know what’s wrong

This isn’t enough, somehow

So many people have cornered me

Grabbed me by the shirt

Demanded that I listen

While they try to drill into my brain

That I am loved by most

I understand it intellectually

But I feel nothing emotionally

I never wanted to be admired

I never wanted attention

I have no use for this adoration

It doesn’t sustain me or fill me up

I can’t even burn a pile of it to keep myself warm

You all love me

I feel nothing

I don’t love you

I don’t even like most of you

I tolerate the lot of you

Some of your voices are like nails on a chalkboard

Some of your company is intrusive and deflating

I wish I could return the feeling

But I can’t

Reach down for a big handful

And there’s nothing there

I keep these things to myself

Because no one wants to here the truth

It’s too sad and painful

It might ruin your day

I am uncomfortable 

Making others uncomfortable

By being myself

So I hide portions of my true self

The few who have seen it

No longer speak to me

They cut me out of their life

Like they went to drink from a cup of me

And got a wave splashed in their face instead

Everybody loves the sea

But no one loves to drown

Look but not touch

Take a taste but not a mouthful

Always too much for all of them

This feels like a curse

So close but so far away

Unending joylessness

It’s never enough

If you have nothing nice to say

Keep it to yourself and say nothing

So I do

I have nothing nice to share

I would have to lie, if I did

I’m out of lies

I’m out of answers

I just wish I were out of time

But I have too much of that

I’m not like you

I never have been

Similarities, but nothing more

No community

No tribe

Nothing to call mine

But years and miles of time

I do my time