sitting in your house
seeing the line clearly drawn
knowing where i stand
no matter what happens from here on in
i return to my hole
where i belong
put in my place
and waiting for something else
Continue reading →
a shell of a man
thats all thats left
they carve out their insides
to make others content
sell their souls to the dollar
cause its all there is left
broken men, broke off of broken homes
tired and sore, worn through the floor
we'd cut our wrists if we could afford a knife
but the bills must get paid
and the clothes must stay dry
if they would have asked us our opinion
to be born into a world with nothing in it
we probably would have stayed wherever we were before
cause nothing is worth this, nothing hurts like this
the rich man lost control and they took his slaves
so he brought it underground and enslaved all the poor
abolish is just a word that they used to feign freedom
nothing was stopped, just a shift in semantics
a new word added to the dictionary
and the illusion of pay in exchange for services
this is not life
this is torture, but not enough to kill us
just enough to keep us weak and desperate
what happens when we've had enough
and we arm ourselves to the teeth
and gut the first person who tries to tell us what to do
Continue reading →
Well what the fuck? How am I supposed to feel and how I am supposed to deal with it? This is the strangest situation I’ve ever been in and for once I’m not trying to control things and just let things fester. I really don't see any other way around this aside from not talking to her anymore. I don't think I can do that right now, maybe sometime in the near future, but right now I don't think I am capable.
I am sitting here with everything in my goddamn life in limbo and I think a little playful joking about it is well fucking earned. These are the reasons I despise people and despise letting them in to my life because they only have any understanding as far as is convenient for them but when it gets down into the real grit, and they see how dysfunctional and sad I really am they run away or we have conflict. I will never be a happy and positive person, boo fucking hoo for you. Either deal with it or leave me alone. I am completely fine with either one. I have been through enough life draining crap to know that I really have nothing left and I completely lack any plan what so ever. I am just waiting around to die and, if truth be told, I am trying to do that in a steady though private fashion. I will not disclose the details of how I am going about that, but nevertheless it is and has been underway.
I am joyless in life. I have little stints here and there, and I am real good at faking a smile, but the real truth is I end up alone, which I have gotten quite used to. The romantic bullshit side of me, or should I call it the lies I was fed as a child which instilled in me a hopeless belief in things that aren't real, says that I don't want to be alone, but the realistic side of me says that I have no choice in the matter because I am insane and no one should be subjected to the amount of bullshit that I acquire and cause on a daily basis. So I am alone, and that fact is so old that it doesn't even affect me anymore. I feel either numb or bitter and sometimes both nowadays, and every once in a while some little heart flutterer will come my way and throw her hair in my face and I’m expected to be saved by love. Get fucking real, there’s no such thing. Endorphins and dopamine cannot save anyone. I have no dreams left and I have no illusions about what love is. It’s a proximity infatuation, its a toy of the week, its a fad and it fades, and all that’s left is remorse for your body becoming tolerant to the chemicals that love invokes.
I just don't care anymore.
Continue reading →
the more you think you know, the more you realize you don't know
we're alone in this world, but we have each other
i guess i don't understand why we're looking for someone else
take two this time, swallow
i'm looking in the same places for different people
i'm waiting for them to come to me, but i know they wont
there isn't much happening when you have no hope
i've given up on almost everything
my father used to call me a quitter
and i guess i am
i'll be a quitter just to spite him
you gotta live your life
whatever helps you sleep at night
your doin enough "living" for the both of us
this house of cards will fall
i will wait from afar until it does
so i can wind up
run as fast as i can
and knock the wind out of you
with a kick when you're down
i will document this fall
its become an interest of mine
an obsession with the details
the warning signs are clear
and you cant use the "it was too dark" excuse
cause the damn things are in lights nowadays
its all around you
but your averting your eyes
you dont want to see it
the most spineless person ive ever met
in my entire life
lick your wounds all you want
theres more coming
this is where half truths gets you
i know you hate being the bad guy
but you where the mask so well
its molded to your face
real tears and all
you dont get to be spared of anything
this is coming down
whether you like it or not
and i know youre holding details back
whether you admit it or not
justify the lie
surround yourself with the people
who also run from the truth
they support your mess
and you trust them all
im gonna go put in popcorn
ive seen this movie before
and the ending is awesome
i love watching a mess
fall and make an even bigger mess
hail to the honest, baby
i told you so
its nothing new
and it changes nothing
not one palpitation in my chest
i have been through all of this before
back then it used to get to me
now, its just like breathing
i go through the motions
i look for treasures underneath the rubble
but everything shiny
it just a glare
there is nothing left under the sun
just little teasers
they used to get my hopes up
i don't have hopes anymore
i have no faith left in anything
and im just doing my time
till its ok for me to die
its more habit now than anything
to go through the motions
and continue on as if theres purpose
truth is, i haven't felt purpose in a long time
im not surprised by anything anymore
i wake up, i distract myself, i go to bed
same cycle ever day, every year
maybe i need a change
but i don't even want to try a change anymore
i don't really care
all life is pointless
all things are meaningless
and everyone lies to themselves everyday
trying to convince themselves that it isn't true
but those facts hang over your head
and they resurface every now and then
you cant keep the truth buried
you cant make a dead horse move
and we are all living in a dead fucking horse carcass
and its going nowhere
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my contempt grows by the hour
every person i see makes me grow more and more angry
spouting their bullshit opinions
talking like they have anything valid to say
its been years since ive heard anything valid
all the poking and prodding
the sarcasm
the stupid questions that fill my head
with fantasies of violence
rumour goes around that the world is coming to an end
and i cant help but wish it werent so slow
cause im so tired of all of this
im so tired of all of these.......people
living their stupid lives
trying to have some importance
running blindly from the fact
that things are just so goddamn boring
fuck your life
fuck what you do to cope with it
i have no sympathy
no feeling at all
for any of you
always remember
im better than you
im stronger than you
im smarter than you
everything you do is only childs play
and i dont give a fuck about your feelings
this is not about you
this is about me
so shut up and give me what i deserve
utter devotion
a god among mortals
the sun in your eyes
the pieces fell together the day you met me
your just another grain in the sand
just another pretty face that does not impress me
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we put everything out on the line
akward and uncomfortable
we looked at each other with fear in our eyes
and begged ourselves not to hurt each other
i feel like i lost everything
and i gave it my everything
but thats never enough
and love doesn't mean anything
i cant help but feel abandoned
when you're the one that walked away
like holding my head underwater
and asking me if its ok
it kills me to see you
parade around with her
right in front of my face
no matter how it hurts
and i trusted you
not to break my heart
you know better than anyone
and i cant handle rejection
i never thought that you of all people
would do this to me
i never thought we'd end up this way
and its ruining me
you promised me so many times
that i had nothing to worry about
i believed in you
and i believed in us
and now i have to find myself
a new peace of mind
i have to start all over
when im the one who got left behind
i don't know how i can live my life
without you in some shape or form
id pull my goddamn heart out
cause i don't want it anymore
this life just keeps getting harder
and i feel like shit everyday
just when i think i've got something good
life takes it away
She moved away for some time to North Carolina, and my feelings for her had somewhat diminished over the years. People change, and she became someone else that I felt was ok, but not someone I wanted to be with anymore. When she came back from North Carolina she wanted to start up a relationship. I wasn’t really feeling it at the time, but I am a pushover, so she kept at me and eventually I caved. I felt nothing for her at the time, but it was nice not to be alone. Eventually I learned to love her and let her in, and after two years of a good relationship she decides that she is a lesbian. She had been hanging out with a lesbian friend of hers for a while and hanging around her group of friends. Jen had always been easily influenced and lacked any real sense of self, so I never bought the fact that she was a full on lesbian. She had always been bi-sexual, and mistrusted men. When it came down to it, she had read to many feminism books, and hated men already, so bullshit took its course, and I was thrown away. Lesbians don’t have long drawn out sexual relationships with numbers of men only to decide they are gay when they are almost in their thirties. You’re born with it, you know all along. I was born with a dick, I didn’t become aware of it in my late twenties.
So we had our falling out where she apologized to an annoying amount for ruining my life, and swore that we would remain friends, when I was just trying to get as far away from her as possible, but I didn’t really have anywhere to go cause I gave up every escape route I had to be with her. She used to make me promise that I wasn’t going to cut her out of my life. I lied through my goddamn teeth every time I said ‘I promise’.
Jen had always had trouble finding her identity. Every time she started to feel plain and uninteresting she would create a new identity. She was a ‘freak’ when I met her, wearing Marilyn Manson shirts and extra large clothes, looking pissed of and “different” all the time. At some point she became a hippy and started wearing tie-dye and listening to the Grateful Dead and Rusted Root a lot. Then she got a job and had to look presentable so she became plain again, but couldn’t deal with that so she shaved her head and became some macho bull dyke but didn’t come out of the closet yet (cause it wasn’t fucking real). Some people cant deal with the fact that they are boring and useless and they fight with it all their lives. I remember once she tried to be vegan, but you go vegan and blow lines of coke with your cokehead boyfriend and not expect to pass out from malnutrition in the isle at a grocery store (true story). Later that boyfriend would die in a car accident where he drove off the road and the car flipped. The cause of death was internal decapitation. The spine snapped right at the neck. It was sad really, he was a great drummer, could have gone far, but he had a powerful lust for white drugs.
Eventually she became somebody completely different to what I had signed on for, so I no longer needed that kind of person in my life. I removed her like you would anything you were done with.
I used to tell her that I loved her, but I’m not quite sure I ever did. I think at one point I thought I did, but now that I think about it I’m not so sure. I wasn’t even really sure what love was at that point. I loved fucking her, she was good in bed. I hadn’t really been much for sex until I met her. It was just a part of me that I switched off a long time ago, because I was too shy to ever expect to have sex with a girl. Most of the time during our relationship, though, I wanted to be alone. I would hide in my room on my computer or reading a book, and she would come into my room nine thousand times to ask me a stupid question or talk in a goddamn baby voice. That’s not love, that’s settling, and I settled because I thought that maybe I was wrong, maybe this is what I was supposed to do.
Continue reading →
you wont miss us
we're the parts you throw away
left in the dust to rot in the sun
there is no glory in this
there's no rhyme or reason why we go on like this
a need for another
its such a fucking scam
you'll end up settling for less
just because you dont want to be alone
and when they move on
when they find someone new
it will be too soon
and it will move too fast
and you will be left to feel like shit
with your thoughts
and a giant goddamn hole where your stomach used to be
we construct other people to feel like home in our minds
and you cling to the foundation as it all comes falling down
you walk a few yards from the wreck
completely in shock
and not knowing what to do next
it feels terrible when you feel the room shift
and suddenly there is no space for you in there life
It ended with a whimper, which doesn’t really surprise but it is disappointing. Some people just can’t cope with being who they are, so they constantly have to shift, and wriggle around, change things up so they feel better about themselves. All the while trying to convince you that you are the one with the problem.
I have tons of problems, I admit that openly. I have an anger problem, I have abandonment issues, I have attachment issues, but I am aware of them and have dealt with them my whole life, so I know when I’m just being insane. In today’s standards, I’m a fairly well adjusted person.
I just don’t have patience for peoples hangs up and bullshit anymore. I have no time for it, and I refuse to even acknowledge it, it’s such an insult that anyone would try to wear their bullshit on their sleeve. As the great Dennis Leary once said, “Life sucks, wear a fucking helmet!”
I’m particularly impatient with people who don’t know what they want. That’s just laziness to me, and this is coming from a lazy person, but I know exactly what I want, and I know that the only way I am going to get it is by getting off of my fucking ass and going towards it. There have been to many instances in my life where people have strung me along claiming that they wanted to be a part of my life, but when things got a little difficult they didn’t want to play anymore.
I’m not playing games, I don’t have time for idiots, and I am through with people who don’t know what they want, because you’re not just fucking yourself up, your taking a lot of people around with you. The irresponsible have inherited the earth, and this fact makes me want to blow the whole goddamn thing up.
For the record, when someone I love completely taints the qualities I love about them, and takes apart everything that there is to love and throws it away, they are no longer that person. It’s a complete do-over, we now have to meet each other again, and that doesn’t always mean I will like this new person. I will give it my best shot, and if there was a vast improvement I would appreciate this new person, but I have no time for regression. I have no sympathy for people who go backwards. The only way out is through, and if you step back you are weak, and you are a coward, and that is lower than the dirt to me.
The world is a sad place, and I am a sad man in it. All I have is myself, and if that’s the way it has to be then I’m fine with that. I’d just rather have it known and agreed upon, then all this fucking gray area. This is it for me, this is all it will ever be. I know that and I accept that. I’m just trying to do my time, and make the most out of it while I’m here. So you are either on my team, or you are in the way.
Continue reading →
i am a former abused, broken thing
i feel i should be exterminated
i feel beyond repair
the cost of repair is way beyond the worth
i do not exclude myself in the ways i feel about humanity
i think we coddle our wounded
and we make excuses for those who have no use
those that should be introduced to the trash can
human life is so precious
yea fucking right
it should be just as trivial and meaningless as everything else
humans love to have this air of superiority
that our existence is such a treasure to the world
weed out your species
theres too many weeds in the garden
choking the life out of all the beauty
we abused will never get better
we will never function
and will continue to be a drain on other people
i wish to be thrown away
i am joyless in life
Continue reading →
its easy to pass your judgements
when you don't walk in my skin
yet you find it ok to try my life on
like a pair of shoes
but when it doesn't suit you
off it goes
i have to live this
i have to make it my own
so no i don't think your judgements matter
and no i don't feel like you are worth my time anymore
you pretended your way into my world
said everything i've ever wanted to hear
and shielded your pathetic little body with mine
i took the damage
i took the brunt of it
for you
you convinced me you were worth it
and i believed you
and when things were so far in
when the roots were so ingrown
you dropped me on my head
pulled the rug out from underneath me
and everything in my world crashed and broke around me
and there you stood
like a scared little girl
apologizing, with her hands to her mouth
sorry doesn't cut it
you asked me to trust you
so i did
you asked me to love you
so i did
you asked to be a part of my world
you were the one that came to me
so i let you in
and you burned it to the ground
we were trying to build foundations for life
on the ground of a scared little girl
who swore she knew who she was
who swore she understood
and at the worst moment, you backed out
you fucked me over
and you ruined my life
so you'll have to forgive me
if i don't look at you so friendly anymore
my life is in shambles
and its because of you
your words mean shit to me
because i've had time to look at what they mean
and they are hollow
you are are hollow
and you don't mean the things you say
you just don't have the guts to stand on your own to feet
so you lean on other people
like a fucking leech
living off other people
you are scum
you are the reason people kill themselves
you are the reason that understanding between two people will never be achieved
all because of people like you
who don't have the balls to admit to themselves that they are hurting people
you are so good at lying to yourself
its your last line of defense
you pull the wool over your own eyes
cause you'd rather not see the truth
it makes you pick at your skin
it makes you look in the mirror
and see ugliness
cause the truth fucking hurts
you are ugly
and you are embarrassing
and you should be destroyed
have it your way
it'll all gonna come down on your head in the end
and i will have my revenge
i will wait it out
to find you when you are down
and kick your teeth in
i want to really drive it home
that you are the one to blame
you are the reason for other peoples pain and suffering
and you can run away
and create a new identity for yourself all you want
you can jump on this new bandwagon
and throw some labels on yourself
but we all know you
and we know how hollow you are
and you look like a joke
you're a broken fawn trying to convince herself she's a buck
you aren't capable
you never were
its pathetic
Continue reading →
and through it all
i nursed the cuts and bruises
i set my own bones
i learned something important
you still haven't broken me
and you never will
a house is not a home
and the people who are supposed to be there
seldom ever are
but thats not a reason to give up
and it doesn't mean a thing
so this ones for us who get back up
who take a punch and smile through our blood
the hurt doesn't even stop us anymore
you cannot rattle me
you'll never stop me
i do what i want, when i want
and i don't bother anyone
i came from the womb
into a hell on earth
but i have made it into something beautiful
a positive from a negative
a diamond from a rock
a rose from concrete
and what i have created
will continue on long after my bones have turned to dust
do what you want to me
theres no stopping it now
i am in the air
i am one with time
and never forget, i know you never will
that i beat you
i beat you all
i proved my worth
i proved that i was right
and i made you all eat your goddamn words
and all you scum bags that call yourselves my family
have been removed from my life
because my presence is a privilege
and i will not be taken for granted
i have the power to move mountains
i can make it rain
i can invoke something out of nothing
what have you ever done
all the jealousy that made you beat me down
all the heartache i've had to endure
has harden my skin
and made a fortress out of this tired body
i am well fortified and ready for war
test me
i dare you
greater men have tried
and greater woman have taken me for everything i am worth
and in the morning
i wake up, i stand up, i stretch, and i move on
unscarred, unbroken
i have seen the bottom
i have painted its walls
i have been abandoned
i have stripped of everything
and each time i rebuilt
each time i overcame the odds
and now i am a man
with unwavering strength
and a heart still pure
and not one of the predators on this earth
will ever be above me
parent is just a word to me
im a product of the world
but i wont let my past
determine my future
and i wont let you lesser beings
keep me from greater things
everything i have
everything i've done
i've done it all on my own
i've never had a home
so i'll build it myself
all on my own
i'll build my own home
i'll set my own bones
and i'll load my own guns
to keep the wolves at bay
to keep the scum out of my way
i will make a real rain
and wash the trash away
this is my world
you are just living in it
i will make you live in fear
im going to murder you with this knife in my back
we build relationships like were building meth labs
they are one in the same
very volatile
not very stable
every move, every inch
has to be respected
and taken for a purpose
the moment you get cocky
the moment you relax
a fire starts out of nowhere
and the whole things explodes
sometimes you barely get out alive
sometimes you get burnt
sometimes you get put in the hospital
eyes swollen shut
blood in the whites
eye socket broken
nose broken
cracked ribs
you weren't careful
you didn't respect the danger
you didn't respect the nature of the beast
and the beast turned against you
the hospital bills are mounting up
and you may never be quite right again
even after all the healing
you are playing with a bomb
make no mistake
it might sound like fun to you
it might make you feel good
but its still a bomb
and all the happiness it brings you
and all the flutters it puts in your chest
can still blow up in your face
third degrees burns
the smell of burnt hair in the air
the smell of blood
the swollen knuckles
hurts to make a fist
you're walking with a limp
every step you take aches
and you owe it all to disrespect
respect the bomb you play with
respect the fact that its a bomb
respect the fact that lives are at stake
one false move and its over
theres no second chances
theres no fixing it
theres no making it better
there will be no close calls
its a bomb
and you will be dead or injured
your life will never be the same if you survive
use your fucking head
think everything through
double check everything
be thorough
or go fuck yourself
Continue reading →
i dont need every last one of you
i can fit all your worth into the capsule i take everyday to shut the fucking dogs up that are barking in my head
swallow your fucking tongue
do whatever you have to do to shut the fuck up
you dont ever know what your talking about
and the sound of your voice is enough to make me drive nails in my ears
nothing is worth the effort and everything is a complete waste of time
the wound's never serious until the flys begin to swarm
its time to face the light and end the fucking charade
theres never gonna be anything happening in your life
nothings gonna break. your not gonna wake up with a new purpose for living
you might as well practice getting used to lying down
because i can hear them outside chipping rocks, moving earth, and digging your grave
face it, your bored, and your boring
its time to point the finger in the right direction
go see your parents and give them the beating they deserve for bringing us into this life
Continue reading →
im gonna hang you from your neck by a rope if its the last thing i can do
this world is in need of a purging and you will never do anyone any good
your a cancer on this city
nobody wants you around
so i'll just take you out quietly while everyone is sleeping
just a gentle stick in the neck and then let you fall off a bridge
into the water to float with the algae and fish
now youre feeding something
its the first time you've had a purpose in so long
it would almost make you feel good if you were alive
but this hasnt happened
you are still alive
you are still flapping your gums and coughing your sickness all over everything
sooner or later everyone ends up done with you
its just the way it goes for people like you
youre not to be trusted
cant befriend someone who you cant trust
so what does that leave you
it makes you lonely doesnt it
cant get youre shit together so you take it out on everyone else
sure, people are around when the beer is flowing, and the coke is on the mirror
yea, those are your friends
those people will be around when its all over with
this is your life that you have carved out for yourself
and you hate yourself for it
but you cant stop it now because you are too far in it
and it would be too embarrassing for you to turn around now
so you keep going
feeling like a lonely warrior
youre not a warrior
youre pathetic
youre a black sheep
youre the scarlet letter
you are the person in the room that everyone smiles at and is nice to, but really doesnt want to be around
people are just civil to you cause they dont want to be on your bad side
you are the bottom of the barrell
the little man who wishes that he could be big so that no one can make him feel small and weak
the napoleon complex in the flesh
you are a model for confusion
the poster child for self dillusion
and everyone hates you
because of who you are
you are a bad person
and everyone hates you
Continue reading →
do not dictate to me
i cannot be moved and i will not be argued with
my passions have been run through with a fine tooth comb all by myself
and there is nothing you could find in it that i didnt
so dont attempt to tell me things like i dont know what im talking about
i wont be strong armed
i refuse to let your fear interupt my life and the things that i love
you live in your fear
i conquer mine
i wont apologize for being on the other side of the line
i wish you could come with me, but you refuse to let go
thats fine with me
this is a you problem
not a me problem
even though we are in this together
there is still a fine distinction between your shit and my shit
so dont try to guilt me by telling me you thought you could get support on this
i dont support idiocy and i dont have patience for foolishness
you cant reverse the topic on me and that frustrates you
you pull out all the stops too
you always told me i was better than you
and i humbly brushed it off
but now its clear
i am better than you
and you will not get anything past me
sit down and shut up
you are wrong on this
Continue reading →
the end is comes on hard
and you can feel it in your chest
like someone just took all the air out of you
someone took your love and threw it right back at you
all those feelings you thought you never had
you saw it in other people
and wondered what was wrong with you
you were so proud of yourself when you finally found it
buried beneath the mental illness and scars of childhood
it took a good year to unearth it all
and now its out, and raw, like a fresh nerve
but then the feeling pulls out of the air around you
you watch them walk away
the feeling tied tight around their waist
and the farther they go, the more it hurts
then it starts in your stomach
and you cant curl up tight enough to make it stop
this is the story of all junkies
this is the line in the sand
it hurts too much to breathe in lonely air
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