everything is fair game

i let you in to hurt myself

i let you in to set the bone

i let you in to thicken my skin

to thicken these walls

to justify this isolation

and i wish i could say

that it was wrong

that my crooked ways are bad

but i prove it to myself every time

you prove yourselves every time

i let it burn to prove myself

i let it ache to teach a lesson

i let it cut right to the bone

so you can see why im alone

and i'll be that way for my whole life

cause i have looked high and low

i even stopped to let it come to me

and i had to turn away, or walk away

from every one that tried their luck

10 steps ahead and first to the end

prophecy or just good memory

it all looks just as painful in the end

you get so tired of being right

having the same arguments 

that you've already won a thousand time before

and i hate when they apologize

i hate when they tell me they didn't know

when they should have said they were being careless

and they didn't care to take my well being into consideration

and they knew it all along

im holding my guts back in with my own two hands

and you're staring at what you've done

im just looking for something to hold this together

so i can get up again and walk away again

and they always ask me why i stay alone

why night after night i am at home

in my bed with the doors closed

and trying not to hate

trying not to give in to all the rage

they ask me why theres scars on my hands

why there are holes in the walls

and pain in my eyes

why i flinch from the effecting

why i get angry at your attempts

you people are damaging

and i am the damaged one

and they wonder why i sputter

why i arch and burst at the joint

why i shock and jolt at the heart

why i feel it necessary to make sure they know

that they have been through a fight with me

i keep you out to heal myself

i keep you out to destroy the need

i keep you out to ascend beyond it

so i don't need it anymore

so i don't want it anymore

till the nerves die off

and the heart forgets what it even means

so now lying pair of eyes will ever turn their lies on me

ever again

i keep you out cause im afraid that next time i wont stop

i keep you out cause i enjoy the thoughts of hurting you

a little too much

i keep you out because you are careless

and that isn't an excuse enough for me

to spare you the attack that i am constantly holding back

i will forever bite back

i will forever have revenge

i will never question the things i do to you

if i feel you have burned me

and i will go that extra mile

i will go further than you ever imagined

you will see a side of me 

that makes you involuntarily lose control of your bladder

that makes your muscles taught

that makes the fear pull back your scalp

and tighten the muscles in your face

i will show you a side of me

that does not think to break your skin

that does not think in terms of lines

and going to far

a side that would bury your corpse

in a secret place they will never find you

they will never find the blood on my hands

i scare myself intensely 

cause i know the depths to which i can sink

i can go from loving you and considering you

an assets to my life

to flipping a switch in my brain

and suddenly seeing you as nothing but scenery

nothing but ants in an ant hill

for me to obliterate out of boredom

out of ignorant darkness

out of a bleak lack of caring

i am fully capable of taking a life

i am fully capable of sparing a life

though scarred so that no one will ever see them

as desirable again

speak soft around me

and have your guard up

cause you have done me wrong

and now everything is fair game

there are no fouls, no below the belts

this is blood for blood

and i have mastered this

you will regret this

and i will make you admit it to my face

if it takes me all that i have in me

i will make you beg and scream for mercy

and i will always reply, "no."