tiny liars

im not impressed or convinced

just because you can sniff each others asses

and sell each other the idea

that shit doesn't stink

doesn't give you a better result or solution

than that one i came to

im tired of the sound of your insignificant voice

vibrating in my ear

rubbing on every nerve and carving away at all resolve

the attack wont come on fast

it will be slow and subtle

and you wont know whats happening until its too late

and you are already half in the body bag

iike tiny dogs, yipping at the air

when all it would take 

is one swift act of rage

and all that would be left is a red mist in the air

where the body used to be

it is nothing short of pure torture just being around

and having to constantly maneuver through your bullshit

and my fists itch like they need to get some killing done

your life isn't precious

your existence is a result of mouth breathers with bad genes

rubbing their crotches together too much

and we got landed with you

i have no sympathy 

i have no connection to you as a fellow human

you are in the way

you are just another thing thats wrong with the equation

you are the essential that is stripped away to find the real underneath

you are the smudge on the canvas

the world removes you

you are waste

and im tired of your kind playing on our sympathies

get out of my way

or im coming through you

Continue reading →

ants

i remove myself from your equation

i divorce myself from this mistake

these people aren't my friends

they look, they talk, they move ilke me

but somehow i just know

that they are not who i am

i am in a crowd of carbon copies

master manipulators who are trying to convince me

that everything is fine

when i can feel that something is very wrong here

i keep calm, stay quiet

i look for the tiny exits

watch for the moments when they aren't watching the doors

and i wait until its time

all it takes is one pure moment and im gone

im surrounded by the dregs of the litter

the parts you throw away

i cant help but feel disconnected

these people have nothing to offer me

i hear their voices in my ears

and it attaches itself

right to the button that flips on my anger

and i am ready to destroy

you don't take pity in the destruction of fools

you don't feel sorry for the ants you step on

i cannot sit here one more second and pretend

that these people aren't making my skin crawl

that these people aren't making me want to end their pathetic existence

that i am not fighting with all i have inside

to not resort to violence

and show them how cold and ugly

the reality really is

theres no one protecting you

only people who haven't yet snapped

and destroyed you

you are protected by the resolve of people

not wanting to be locked up

but the fact remains

all of us feel it

and all of us want our view clear of you

Continue reading →

no friends

don't get too close to the things hanging on you

they are not your friends

they come with built in smiles

and the best intentions

and when you give in a bit

they will pull all the blood out of your body

with that smile still so wide on their face

do you want the last thing you see

to be a fake smile

embrace the distance you keep

between people and yourself

wall it up, empty everything

no ones fucking getting in here

the oppressors tell you to stop being paranoid

they try to ease your heart with well placed words

and a manor that makes you trust

but when you're not looking

is when they pull the knife

and slip it between your ribs

it happens every time

they tell me i'm one sided

i only see it one way

i say that i've been where they are

and this is where being that way ends

this is what you have to look forward to

once you break it all down 

and deconstruct it 

you only have one side to view it from

the side that makes the most sense to you

you can't live your life playing both sides

chose a side, stand your ground

dig your roots in for once in your life if you've got the guts

your ability to buy a house and pop out a kid

does not make you a man

your ability to impregnate an ugly girl and settle for less

because it was easier that way

and she was already down and out

to me thats whats really sad

so you don't like your life

or the way it turned out for you

cause you never really had any guts to do it on your own

sit in your basement

designing mediocrity for the fools and their troths

every time i try to bend and fold

i am just taught another lesson on why i shouldn't do that

i am onto something pure

and the screw heads will do everything to take that away from me

don't bend, don't consider if they're right

the truth will out so don't worry about it so much

in the end, we have no friends

just people we can stand being around

they will talk behind your back

about what you're doing wrong

never considering

what they don't know

the information that they don't yet have

never considering a method to your madness

i will swallow all of you whole

none of you has ever made a bit of difference

and when i drop you like the scraps of paper that you are

you will fall down to your knees

in tears

feeling sorry for yourselves

cause how else are you gonna get your fix

im just a fix to you

a rush of endorphins

you feed off my insanity

like a television show

like an action movie

but to me its real

and im not fucking laughing

i will leave you all with nothing

in the end

you will all be burned

Continue reading →

Luu

Why don't I kill myself? 

For Shaun luu

He didn't get to have a life

His got snubbed out before he really even knew life at all

So I live mine for Shaun

I didn't want mine in the first place

So he can have it

I'm doing this for him 

Cause he was better at it

And he loved deeper

And felt more

And I'm just trying to make him proud 

Continue reading →

you play in a band, right?

I hate when people at work find out that I've been on your and I play in bands. It's always a thousand questions of things they have no idea about and don't understand the answers too. 

Yes I sleep in vans and other peoples houses. 

No I'm not rich and famous. 

No I don't play for beer tickets and pretzels, I need protein and good food on tour when I can eat. 

Yes sometimes I go day increments without eating so we can get to the next town sometimes. 

No there is no money in music. 

I still do it because it's the only thing in the entire world that brings me any kind of joy. 

It doesn't make sense to the average video game playing, computer nerd thirty year old but to me the way they live is a hollow existence void of excitement or purpose. That isn't living, that's being dead already. Losing yourself in a virtual world because you don't have the guts to actually have something in your life that isn't in a video game or in the confines of your lowly apartment. 

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carbon copy

they say imitation is the highest form of flattery

but do you see me fucking smiling

you never had a chance in hell before you met me

and then you used me as leverage to get a leg up

you climb the rungs like they were heading for the sky

but then you saw how far you had to crawl

theres nothing up there

just space and dust

and it wasn't what you expected it to be

you cannot find yourself

so you faked an image by shadowing me

but a copy's never pure as the original 

the ink will run and the details will get washed out

i know what you're doing

and i don't fucking like it

i am onto you in every fucking way

and when i get my hands around your worthless throat

we will see who can do what they can say

i don't have to talk

i don't have to bark loud so that they wont know the fear i have inside

you never had any guts

just a scared little boy

a chronic case of peter pan 

who just wont grow the fuck up

this is not an image for me

this is who i am, darkness and all

i wont hesitate

they will never fucking find you

where i leave you to rot away

a man is measured not by the violence

but the distance he is willing to go

and you have been stuck in that same pathetic rut

when all you have to do is put your legs down under you

and walk away

stop feeding off of me

its poisoning you

you don't have what it takes to be like me

you can take the pills

courage in a bottle

but when the high wears off

your still just as scared and soft inside

pathetic

you're pathetic

you're a miserable little carbon copy of a man

so you can throw a fit

big fucking deal

the world doesn't owe you a thing

you got left behind

just like everyone else

because thats all you will ever be

you don't have what it takes to shine

to rise above it all and become something more

you're just noise and bone

a little whelp of a man

and you cant make your arms big enough

to push out the pain

you did this all to yourself

and you continue to let it keep you down

you've never done anything

you've never been anywhere

and theres a reason you don't have anyone in your life

you say you want it this way

but i can smell a lie

and you're as lonely as the god up in the sky

you'll never be like me

you'll never have what it takes

you couldn't even walk a mile in my shoes

you couldn't deal with a day in the life of me

carbon copy

carbon copy

Continue reading →

i have a tumblr.

not sure why. i just made one on an impulse. seems to be a lot of people on tumblr nowadays and not so much on blogspot, but i'll never really advertise my stuff or anything. i'll never go out of my way to say "hey, read my stuff" cause i just feel like a douche bag. i guess im new to this writing thing and actually considering myself a writer. its weird to even say, it feels foreign, like a new hair cut. i'll grow into it i guess. here it is.....http://jamesrbailey.tumblr.com/

*crickets* Continue reading →

traditional bullshit tattoo culture for fools

i don't understand the whole hype on traditional flash sailor jerry tattoo's. in my eyes it looks like juvenile. it looks like something my 12 year old niece drew when she was 9 but with straighter lines. its a celebration in mediocrity. its not really all that good. the lines are straight, the colors are…..colors, theres little to no shadow, and if there is it's laughable at best. 

  to me, its not different than people who still wear the mullet and talk about how great van halen was back in the day. the era is over and its stupid looking now, let it go, evolve. i don't see it as a valid art form in the same way i don't look at stills of old cartoons as a valid art form. its a relic, a film still of a time past. its nostalgic and antiquated. it looks so goddamn stupid to me. theres a reason there is only one mona lisa, there's a reason they save relics, because when you carbon copy it over and over again it looses its value. the same applies to this tattoo hype. its not special anymore, its been done and over bloated to a point where it is worthy of no more than an eye roll and a pat on the head. 

  i got out of the tattoo game years ago because i saw it heading in this direction and i wanted no part in it. i was tattooing out of my house since the age of 15. i was tattooing when you were riding the school bus, so don't brush me off as someone who just "doesn't get it". there's nothing to get, its stupid, and you have bad taste, thats all this is. you are a pawn, a sheep, and you wouldn't know good taste if it was in your mouth. 

  these people that cover their bodies with this shit just look like assholes. its not different, to me, than the football jock who wears jerseys like he's part of the teem and has a mouth guard for no reason. you're a dick head, accept it, move on. you're a clown. 

  what impresses me is tattoo's that are so in depth in color and texture and depth that it actually looks like a painting and you can't believe its actually on someones skin and was only done with a tattoo machine and a needle. thats impressive, thats art. that is worthy of praise. 

stop. celebrating. mediocrity. 

you morons. 

Continue reading →

mothers

all your daughters are in pain

fathers

all your daughters are destroyed by you

brothers

all your daughters are unwatched, unsafe

sisters

all your daughters are detached from the earth

her face hides in the rain

listen to her gentle heart

she lulls me to sleep

i come undone when were apart

im alive when were alone

i'll do anything for you

let me lay in your grace for a day

let me see this through

all i have inside

she makes it all ok

just to speak her name

and im blown away

i can feel you in my bones

i can hear you in my head

i can shed my skin for you

i will come apart for you

i will ruin my whole life

just to have a smile from you

i am down on my knees

with all i am for you

dream

away with me

i'll cherish her for all my days

i'll rest so peaceful in her name

i'll lay my burdens down for good

i'll go beyond what no man should

i'll best the devil, keep you safe

i'll beat the demons in your name

i'll keep a light always with me

so i can watch you fall asleep

i rest my head, im by your side

forever into your desire

and all i'll ever ask of you

is to be aware of what you do

the power you have over me

can easily be ill conceived

we must be good to our dream

to keep this safe for you and me

i just wanna get a taste of you

let me in closer

we'll discover ourselves in motion

we'll walk the water

and we'll glide in tune

you 

have my heart

you 

have my soul

you 

have my heart

you

have me

Continue reading →

for everything a reason

and so they say, lord, for everything a reason

for every ending, a new beginning

oh so they say, baby, for everything a reason

and so they say, baby, for everything a reason

and those who loved before will be brought back together

yea those who loved before will be brought back together

and so they say, baby, for everything a reason

and so they say, baby, you will brought

brought back to me

i saw you leaving

i saw the light go out

i saw you leaving

i saw you leaving

and so they say, lord, for everything a reason

my house is haunted by wrong desire

and on my skin left the sent of indignation

and so they say, baby, for everything a reason

don't call me back i have everything i needed

for every lie, honey, the truth lay underneath it

oh so they say, baby, for everything a reason

and so they say, baby, you will be brought

brought back to me

i saw you leaving

i saw the light go out

i saw you leaving

i saw you

come back to me

come back to me

- carina round

Continue reading →

faith gone faster than it arrived

It's funny how quick you lose your faith in people

When compared to the amount of time it took

For you to have any faith at all

There's gotta be some sort of under lined truth in that

Something everyone has really got wrong all along

All it really takes is a handful of people

Doing things you would never expect them to do

And only thinking of themselves

No matter who they hurt

People you think you can count on, at least them 

And that's all it takes

Till you're just ok with their blood on your hands

With the scared looks in their eyes

When you no longer see them as people you care about

But as obstacles in the way of your peace of mind

My mind is clearer now

I see it all 20/20

I'll keep it all to myself

Cause none of you are even worth it in the first place

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Users

All that glitters is used and mistreated

That is one of the noble truths of this world

If you have something special

Something that just occurs in you naturally

They will try to use you

And misguide you

For their own means

No matter what it does to you

Raw talent is commodity 

And is ready for exploitation

This is the reality

And it's sad and lonely

People are users

Anything more is just bi products

They use till death and that's the truth

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misanthropy and agony

And I find myself mad at God

For the existence of a thing like contradiction

How it's present in all men and women

For the fact that we aren't perfect

For the truth being so fucking ugly

And always right in front of our faces

For the existence of chemical imbalances

For such a flawed existence

For the fact that respect among men is only earned

When they can't best each other

For the reason I know this and little to no one around me does

Continue reading →

i think that the grip is slipping. people are starting to wake up on their own. people are really getting tired of the monotony of what you're told to do. we're so enslaved that we fall in line out of habit, when you ingrain the rule so deep in the subconscious that it feels bad to break it thats when you really got them snared. i think that after all these years though, the shackles are being shed and people are mutating, evolving into something else. no one is happy because there is something definitely wrong. the truth will out eventually, its just a matter of time. you can bury it deep in a ton of shit and it will take a while to dig it out, but the truth will outlive you and the truth will unearth itself eventually, and there will be hell to pay.

i see desperate souls everywhere i look. all these people that are just looking for some purpose but there really isn't much around, just table scraps here and there, and it gets annoying and you start crawling out of your skin. theres gotta be a reason to it all, when they know damn well there isn't. the line you've been waiting in for years is not the answer you are looking for. they told you it was, but they lied to you. im sorry, but its time to move on. you are free, you don't have to stand in this line anymore. there is nothing at the end of it, at least nothing thats of any value to it, and it wont make the waiting all worth it. you will feel cheated and used and angry because you wasted your whole life, and spent all the time that you had waiting with everyone else in the great line. step out of line. do your own thing. go the other way. it doesn't matter anymore, nothing matters. all that matters is that you find yourself your own little piece of happiness. in the end, its all dust anyway. so slow down, take time to taste the air and breathe a full lungs worth. thats whats important. you can breathe. you can take in a full lung of air and it feels really good. everything else is just essentials. 

Continue reading →

had a moment

they're quoting my lyrics now. i dunno, i guess you just feel like a nerd who sits in his room and fantasizes. you never actually think anything will come of it. then you see it, in plain black and white, right in front of your face. the message was received. they get it. they understand what you are trying to say. after not being understood for so long and having everything you say misconstrued and taken out of context you just start to lose faith that anyone will ever understand you, then you stumble on to a friend quoting your lyrics on his facebook page and he's referring to a girl he met recently. i dont even really know what to say about it. there's no words for once. its what i've always wanted really, to have an emotion identified, to share something that feels so personal and weird and unique that you think people would think you were crazy if you just blurted it out and told them, so you put it in a song cause thats the only way you can get it out cause when it sits inside you like that it just fucks you up. you can't even breathe right cause it sits in your chest. the song needs to get out and if it doesnt it just fucks up your day. it will not be pushed down. so, anyway, you write the song, you get the emotion out, the feeling of how you were feeling on that day, that time, that moment, and you hope you did it justice and put it down in art form the right way, you hope you got it right to transfer the feeling to a medium, and then you send it away and someone receives it, gets it right off the bat, feels the feeling, knows exactly the emotion you are feeling, feels it too, equates it to someone in his life and has that same feeling. that to me is fucking insane. you cannot pay me enough money to make me stop doing that. there isnt enough money or food or treasures in the world more beautiful than that. holy fuck i seriously am emotional over his. i never really thought about it like this. i never though "what if they get it." its a fault on my part cause i never prepared myself for how i would feel if they actually got it. i guess i always consider my words and my lyrics to fall on deaf ears cause it does for so many people. well, i guess i was wrong. they get it. its getting out there and these songs are potent and real. holy fuck is that heavy. 

Continue reading →

cucumber melon

take your sweet time

just be there for me

you're all that i have now

thats all i'll ever need

didn't notice the feeling

kinda feel into each others arms

ready or not

promise not to do each other harm

we are all before you

just be here with me

we all stand before you

just please believe in me

i put you out of my mind now

those thoughts don't do me any good

goddamn you're so perfect

i'd wait for you, you know i would

but i can feel you inside now

it slowly makes a space for you

why are you walking away

no one else can love you like i do

we are all before you

just be here with me

we all stand before you

just please believe in me

curves that could kill a man

amen

i don't have a reason for you to be in love with me

take your sweet time

just be there for me

we are all before you

just be here with me

we all stand before you

just please believe in me

curves that could kill a man

amen

i don't have a reason for you to be in love with me

Continue reading →

fall like love

only

if i had a way to get close to you

if i had something left to hold onto

maybe this wouldn't be so hard

im giving it all away

im trying my best to be patient

im doing what has to be done

but these feelings just wont stay down

and you're all around me

what do i have to do

anything you want me to

everything all for you

just let me be with you

i get so lonely it hurts to breathe in

i get so tired of them always leaving

im such a fool for you

i got it bad for you

im such a mess without this in my life

everything goes away

i wish that you would stay

theres such a hole in me

im so empty

what do i have to do

anything you want me to

everything all for you

just let me be with you

i get so lonely it hurts to breathe in

i get so tired of them always leaving

wherever you are

i need you now

more than i ever have

ever have

Continue reading →

Journal Entry. 10:45 p.m. clay court apartments. cold and empty feeling in the air.

my niece yelled at me today for not being around. i haven't really seen her much in three years. i didn't realize it was that long. she said "it sucks not seeing my uncle who's been like a father to me my whole life…" that one cut me kinda deep. i know she's just being honest and expressing her feelings and there's variable that she doesn't understand in this whole thing, stuff no one will probably ever tell her. i try to be honest with her without being to harsh. theres things i think she's still too young to know, but the time is slowly approaching when she's gonna be old enough and im gonna tell her every rotten thing her beloved grandmother and grandfather ever did to me. she deserves to know. 

it's hard though. it's just easier to stay away. i feel unwanted. i feel like im the crazy relative with the mental problems that everyone wants to protect her from. they make me out to be a monster, and hell maybe i am a monster. maybe im wrong. all i know is, all i have ever tried to do is keep that kid from being exposed to anything traumatizing and actually have a chance at being a normal, happy kid. she doesn't need my stupid brain sputtering and arching and being fine one moment and insane the next. i feel damaging and i don't want her to have to see me like that. its a difficult situation and i guess its just easier to stay away. 

im no good, the damage has been done to me, im broken, and the people that she loves dearly, who she called grandma and grandpa are the ones who did this to me in the first place. yes, i've lived my own life since then and i've made the best out of what i had but you don't break something so thoroughly and expect it to function to its best capacity, thats just not sound logic and its trying to excuse the guilty parties. i wish i could forget what happened in my childhood but i am forced to deal with it every day. i am constantly walking around it and dodging it and living my life with it right in my way. its extremely debilitating and its not easily forgotten. this will take years to correct and i've only got about 5 good years of actually spotting the problem and dealing with it in a healthy way.

how do you explain all this to a 12 year old? how do you tell her that life is really shitty for some people and that no matter what they do they are always sad, they always feel alone even in a room full of people who love them, and they always feel like they are no good because of two people who were supposed to build them up and mold them into a person were not there to do that job and instead just made them feel worthless and in the way, a burden, a thing hemorrhaging their money away, a mouth to feed. they made me feel like i was the reason their lives were so miserable and that they always had unhappy looks on their faces. they made me feel like because they had kids they ruined their lives, and if it wasn't that way they sure as hell didn't make the effort to convince me otherwise, and when you're getting slapped in the face or told you're gonna be a drunk just like your father constantly, you kinda don't need to ask anymore, now do ya. 

and when you are taught in school constantly to never get in a car with someone who has been drinking, that alcohol is bad, and driving drunk is a sure way to die and you see your father doing those exact things your ENTIRE life, and are worried that maybe he's a bit too drunk to drive or that you're gonna get pulled over and he's gonna get taken to jail and you don't know whats going to happen to you, well then you kinda feel like he's not thinking about that stuff cause he's obviously doing it so maybe he doesn't give a shit about you either. and where was he when my mother was beating the hell out of me and making me feel like a piece of shit every day of my life for putting my shoes in the wrong part of the floor, or not being a very good student? he was getting drunk. so fuck him, and fuck her, and fuck what they did to me. fuck the fact that they even had me in the first place. i didn't get a fucking choice and i got landed with this bullshit. if i had a choice i would have flat out refused to be born to these fucking selfish idiots. who the fuck would want this. i have no joy in life. as much as i try to feel something other than sadness, its fleeting and it goes away just as fast as it came and the sadness returns. this is how i feel all the time. its not what i want, im not doing this on purpose. this is real life to me. this is truth. 

and when my niece was born i saw a clean slate. i saw a human like i had never seen a human before. she didn't have any illnesses or scars or bad feelings about herself. she was pure and fresh and i swore to myself on that day that she would never have to feel those things as deeply and as traumatically as i have experienced them. of course she is going to have some negative things happen to her, thats just life, but what i went through she will never go through and that is my promise. even if it means taking me out of the equation. she's better than me and she's only 12. thats gotta account for something.

Continue reading →

divinity

They say forgiveness is divine

The divine died for our sins

So let me have my sin and not let his death be in vain

Judge not lest ye be judged

For the wage of sin is death

And I am paying my debt everyday

I pay in full

And ask no man for anything

So no man will sway me or guilt me into stupid ignorance

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dont breed

great. the dregs of the gene pool taken out of the ether and put into fruition. we definitely need more turds in the world. there are not enough mouth breathers standing in the way already being big and dumb and not comprehending stuff. why does everyone have to breed like fucking rabbits? you don't have to have a kid just because you can afford one. cletus the slackjawed, one tooth wonder may be your son but to someone else he's a fucking nuisance that just wont go away. thanks for shittin out another turd into a toilet bowl that we're trying to renovate ya fucking whiny american fat asses with your false sense of entitlement. read a fucking book for once or something else thats not 3 feet in front of your fat face and maybe you'll comprehend that the world doesn't need another one of your turd kids fatting up the place. it looks like shit in here, and it smells even worse. human life and children are so precious. NO pal, they were precious but you and your fat fuckin maggot you call a baby just made it one toe over the line from precious to hassle, ok. heres a book on genetics and oh look i just happen to have one on overpopulation. take tylenol for any headaches, midol for any cramps. 

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How many more times can you say to yourself "this isn't me, this isn't my life, this isn't living"How many times does it take before you breakWhen the cost living is way higher than what you earn
Because no job has the ability to pay you what you're worth
We are slaves with blue collars
We are all niggers now
I say that with no prejudice but a new found equality
I'm stuck wondering how much more time I have
Before enough is enough
And I put the tools up for good
To take down from time to time to reminisce
About what I used to have and who I used to be
I try to have faith, but faith comes hard these days
When all you know is getting beat down
You tend to be weary of things like faith
The end of the road is just an end
Attached to something else
That resembles what you just left
There's nothing new under the sun
I just hope that all my instincts are wrong
And are just a manifestation of my disorders
And that someday everything will fall into place
I will be a long way from this existence
And it will only be a funny memory of what it was
Of who I used to be
Please God, let this one dream come true. 
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were coming into october of 2012. lets see if this is the end of the world. the worst part is that its not the end of the world. its not the end of anything but the mayan calendar. this is the worst era to be alive, the worst time to be alive. the world is full of miserable shit heads and idiots. i just want it to be over so bad. im so tired of everything. tired of life and all of its ups and downs. im tired of having to work a dead end job because there is no jobs and not even wanting a real job in the first place. im tired of my mental illness and having to make excuses for the sputtering, malfunctioning unit inside my skull when it lashes out. im tired of seeing tons of people everyday come and go and pass me by that don't understand me at all and wouldn't even if they tried. im tired of this so called family that destroyed me from the inside out and now that i am a monster they abandon me and turn their backs on me. im tired of mother and father being only a word with no meaning to me. im tired of this desperate room with these mountains of crap that i don't want or need. im tired of everything i have to do to try to survive this constant transition when all i want to do is lie down and give up. 

i was never asked how i felt about life in the first place, i was never given a choice to be born or not. i ended up in an era where there is nothing left. all the great opportunities and amazing things of the twentieth century have all been used up and i am left here to figure out where to go and what to do next. i am out of ideas, i am out of patience, i am out of care. i have no love, barely a life, and everything is an agonizing, jaw breaking yawn.

at this point in my life i don't trust anyone and have no reason to. my therapist says i keep re-traumatizing myself, and i say 'so be it'. i am this way out of survival. she says she wants me to actually live and enjoy life instead of just surviving. this concept is laughable to me, and all i have to do is look out of a window to see how moot that point is. maybe im just an asshole and i don't see it, but it seems to me that we are experiencing the death rattle. the only thing i can really do is music, and that is not self sustaining anymore. its a sad shell of its former self and it just makes me sad and angry. i want to lash out and choke all these stupid little assholes that killed the thing that i love. 

i don't know how to stop being angry. today everywhere i look i see only evil. i see only ugliness and i don't know how anyone can ignore it or having that balls to ask me to ignore it. i feel it like nails on a chalk board, i feel it like a house on fire. the panic is intense.

how long will it be before the fear of pain isn't enough to stop me anymore? how long till they find me cold and lifeless, frozen in the position i died in? how long do i have to take this? how long CAN i take this? i really, truly do not know what to do anymore. 

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step one : admitting the problem

  lets make one thing perfectly clear. i don't understand people, especially the ones closest to me. i don't understand their logic, and it frustrates me to no end to see them behave like idiots when i know they are perfectly capable of being better. 

  the information has never been more readily available in this world yet people are still arrogant, ignorant, and stupid. no one seems to want to do the work and actually figure out anything for themselves. no one has any pride in achieving anything or accomplishing a goal. everyone is just floating along like a robots running into walls with vacant expressions. i have never been more confused and more disgusted in the things i see on a daily basis and it just makes me feel more separated and i yearn for increased isolation from these people. the fact that we have a common bond in species is enough to sicken me. i don't feel any sort of kinship to these people or any sort of pity. its only disgust and anger, and most nights it keeps me awake knowing that they are just outside the door, shooting or raping each other and licking the blood off the knife. 

  some would say that i choose to look at only the negative. i disagree, and i think the correct answer is i choose to not lie to myself or anyone else. i choose to not pull the veil over my eyes and tell everyone that everything is ok. i see what i see, and i call it like i see it. it's right in front of everyones eyes and no one wants to acknowledge it because the first step is admitting there is a problem. the first step, so they say, is the hardest step. i think the entire world has a problem with denial. your apathy and "turn the other cheek" attitude wont save the world any more than my negative outlook, so i don't feel that your ways are any better than mine, and have not gotten any better results than mine, so spare me that cop out of an excuse. 

  i live among liars and cheaters. cowards that can't consider life worth living if they have to admit all the horror and sadness that is reality in this world. i am not the fool here, my views are backed by evidence. you need only look out your front door or windows and see the truth. i don't regard my pessimistic view as one perspective of the world, i regard it as the world itself. 

  i can't see anything worse or cheap as living a life only trying to focus on the "good things". thats denial, and rationalization, and to me that is the weakest most petty thing you could possibly do as a human being and a creature of this world. that behavior will only perpetuate suffering and will only make the trauma that much worse when it all finally falls on your head, and believe me, it will. 

  what i see is conspiracy on a global scale. a mass conspiracy of liars holding up each others lies and perpetuating the lie so that everyone can walk through the wreckage and smile a fake smile in the face of the starving child begging for a hand out. my view of the world can be summed up into one little short story of the happy-go-lucky person walking the streets and ignoring the homeless and suffering that are right in front of their eyes. looking up at the clouds so they don't have to see the bleeding, dying, unhappy fellow humans begging for their help or for it to all be over. out of sight, out of mind as they say. the motto of betrayal, the motto of the happy. happiness is a false front. its a lie. it's an unattainable goal, and anyone that tells me they have achieved it, well then i will show you a charlatan, a liar. happiness is lying to yourself. happiness is the conspiracy. i will never buy into this lie. what goes up must come down, and those who buy in eventually sell out. this is written into our history and reproves itself time and again. 

  i do not believe you cowards, and i would rather die than be anything that resembles you fools.

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You cunt

So you're back
Planting new evidence
And starting new fires for everyone to run around and put out
Don't look at me that way
With those big come hither eyes
You are not welcome inside of my bubble
My circle of friends walks on egg shells around your kind
You are cancer with pretty skin
This means nothing
This changes nothing
Ive got my eye on you Continue reading →

Walking into a therapists office is always a strange thing because your misery is a very private and personal thing and suddenly you are in an office with other people and you can't help but wonder what they are there for. Of course, for common reasons, but usually these people don't look any different than anyone else and you have to wonder what kind of darkness they are hiding. You can feel a certain sizing each other up vibe. It's weird how everyone is just sitting around each other. It's probably the biggest grouping of damaged people that are gathered which is not characteristic of damaged people. We tend to stick to ourselves and never really meet in groups. I always feel awkward, wondering what people think about me.  Continue reading →

sex as conquest

i have never had much of an interest in sex. it just isn't and has never been an important part of my life. its also probably why women have never been an important part of my life, and i've only had 2 girl friends in my entire 29 years. 

women literally can't stand when you don't want to fuck them, or find them desirable. they just don't know what to do because then they have no power over you. i have never seen a girl more frustrated or pissed off than i have when their advances aren't working on me. i've thrown girls out of my house, i've kicked girls out of my van on tour. i've even pulled my face away from girls trying to kiss me, even just on the cheek. 

if i don't know you, i don't trust you, and i certainly have no interest in intimacy of any kind with you. i've had girls chase me for years just trying to get my attention. honestly, i feel bad sometimes, but i'm not a fucking test, and i have no use for people who are only interested in conquering me because of some image of me being some kind of test. 

my first girlfriend chased me for two years in high school, and when i finally cracked because i felt like i had to, she even admitted to me that she was obsessed with me because i didn't pay attention to her and i was "such a mystery". she had to find out, she had to keep after me, even when i spurned her advances so hard that it made her feel like shit about herself.

she used to sit next to me in art class, not my choice, and she would try to get me to talk to her which usually ended in me rolling my eyes or just ignoring her completely. once she put her head on my shoulder, and i shrugged her off. i was pissed so i looked at her like i was wanted to punch her and i said angrily, "what the fuck are you doing?" to which she sighed and said "fuck you." like i was the one who did something wrong. so i said, "whatever, don't just fucking put your head on my shoulder. what the fuck is wrong with you?" she didn't talk to me for the rest of class, but a few days later she was back at it. 

that relationship ended in misery. i dated her for a long time. i actually dated her twice. the first time i didn't have sex with her. we dated for like a year and i didn't have sex with her cause i was a virgin at the time, she was definitely a pro at this point, and i was not ready. i just didn't care. this was a huge subject of repeated fights and arguments. she hated it. she felt gross and ugly and she felt like i didn't find her attractive, which was hard for her cause she was one of the "hot" girls in school and every guy wanted her. what an attack to her ego, but who the fuck cares how i felt, or what i was ready for. it was the most selfish exchanges i have had with a female, not many others compare, but a few do. 

im sorry ladies, but i don't want to fuck you. my dick does not control my life and showing a little more skin or flashing your eyes is not going to let you control me. a lot of people think this is sad and that my existence is miserable and dark. as a matter of fact its pretty peaceful. im not controlled by stupid fucking hormones and i stay out of trouble that can come from involvement with "pussy". 

sex as conquest is sad and boring to me. i abstain and i have contempt for most of you weak, pathetic fools. 

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God and the Devil, fucking

i'll go down to the crossroads to slap the devil in his face for putting us in the middle of a cock measuring contest between him and God. we're stuck in the middle cause those two can't get along and harmony is forever broken. you selfish fucking assholes, get a hobby. one is right, ones wrong, who gives a shit, its ancient history and it doesn't even matter anymore. kiss and make up and get a room while your at it cause it looks like you two just want to fuck and get it over with. 

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and i quote....months from now, or maybe even years. he's gonna be drunk somewhere telling someone "i fucked that up, badly!" this time though, its not gonna be me listening to his drunken stupor. it's gonna be someone else that he tells his sad little tales to while he stays afraid of everything and drinks his stupid pathetic life away. he doesn't have the balls to actually do something unless he's riding someone else's coat tails. this why he has no sober friends anymore, cause you can't lie to sober people and expect them to forgive you every time. he surrounds himself with drunks and junkies cause there he can be a piece of shit and sit in his filth and do nothing cause he's oh so sad. grow a pair of nuts and maybe try to at least do something with your life dude. you're almost thirty and you havent done shit, but this kid has the guts to tell me that i'm being an ass? look in the mirror, prick. you are a fuck up, and you will be a fuck up for the rest of your life because its a habit that you cant break. you will never break it, ever. you will continue this cycle of bullshit because secretly you love it, it keeps you down, keeps you sad, keeps you different. you love to be different. oh so different. thats only what you tell yourself though cause you lie to yourself. you know better than i do that you're not different, you're just a sad brain that doesnt want to do anything, has all the talent and capabilities in the world, has had all the chances in the world thrown at him, and he was just too fucking lazy to maybe pick one up and pull himself out of the mess, but no. No, just sit in the mess cause it's your home and its right where you belong. way ta go, now you've really hit bottom. when the liquor and the drugs are gone those friends are gonna send you packing and you are just gonna miss us, but you tried to have your cake and eat it too. see you on the other side, through the bars, looking in you fucking waste of time. you have yourself to blame. no, im not perfect either. im flawed and scarred just the same. what makes me different, is i do what i say im gonna do. i set goals and accomplish them. i may be fucked up but i put my money where my mouth is and do everything i set out to do. you, all you do is talk. you've always been and always will be, ALL  TALK. thats you in a nutshell. you talk a great game, but when it comes to action, theres nothing to back you, theres no force in your punches. big mouth, thats all you are, and this is coming from another big mouth, but i talk because i have something to say and the means to back it up. you, you just like to hear yourself talk. you're a fool, and you're just too lazy to give a shit so you just want to rot away. well fuck you, im not gonna sit around and watch you do it. fuck you and everything you ever fucking said to me you spineless coward. have fun driving drunk, this time im not gonna rescue you. hows that ankle? stings dont it? still not enough of a reminder for you to change it up, nope, you're still gonna drink, cause thats what fuck ups do. have a nice life kid, you aint worth it. Continue reading →

if all the people in the world who wanted to die were just let alone to die at their will then the world would be a much happier less populated place. you should have the right to die. its absurd that we don't have that.

i have avoided the world. im almost thirty and i've definitely avoided the entire world. i've become something else. people go out and do things and they are in touch with whats happening now, whats up with the world, while i remain here and isolated among my things, taking in vast information and learning in leaps and bounds. i read books, i write songs. i have surpassed all of my peers. what a lonely existence this is. i didn't do it out of smugness, i didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. i just couldn't relate to anyone. everyone was so caught up in themselves, and i got caught up in them too and it just left me broken. so now i stay away to do my own thing. the loner looks on, takes it all in, and deciphers what everyone is talking about. its a different world out there, and i don't want to be a part of it. 

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i know you read this.

how does that feel, huh? to be caught when you thought you were being totally anonymous.

i want you to know, its ok. i get it. i just know you read this. you want to keep tabs on me, see what goes on in my head without actually having to talk to me. cause to talk to me is a chore. my mouth is a gun and you hate to dodge bullets all the time. its stressful.

how could you not read this? i would do the same if the roles were reversed, but they aren't, and here you are, and i am on to you.

you're not allowed around me. stay away from me.

thats just where i want you, at a cold distance, afraid of confrontation. this is a power i hold over you because you let me. you have only yourself to blame. it was so easy, i just locked you up, just like that.

now who do you talk to? doesn't feel quite as right, does it. like i said, your fault. we both know you're a liar, and im telling the entire world. Continue reading →

farewell, my concubine

and i know too well what it is to ache

cause we're only as strong as the bonds we break

i swear to god its your new hobby to lie to me

i feel like disappearing but you don't see me anyway

we're chewing our tongues to try not to speak

one more phone call

this is becoming

loud and clear but

you're not listening

i see no point in

trying to make things right

you had everything

you deserve nothing

you deserve this

you gonna have to learn to live

with guilt

i want out

i wash my hands of this

and i have nothing left to say before the waves carry me away

i'll let you down so hard, stay angry with me

so whats the point in trying to figure it all out anyway

you live life like a dog, expect to walk in shit

you should have been dead so long ago

im dressing the walls of this hole

i think now im learning to call it home

keep your head down, walk slowly

so rain wont hit your face

keep moving, don't look back

just walk away

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it pisses you off to see other people depressed and isolating themselves because it just shows you how to yourself appear to others and you can't stand that.

you hate seeing it mirrored back to yourself.

but at the same time, what can you do to change it? you see it for all its flaws, you see how ridiculous it is but when in those moods it doesnt matter. you are not that same person as you were when observing the behavior from someone else. you are in your disorder and it has ahold of your brain.


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