Pathetic Sad Man in the Age of Quiet Death

Grey existence, late thirties

Still sore from old wounds

Feels pathetic

I know I’m petty

Cant let go

Got cut too deep

She took a piece of me with her

Still rattling the bars of the cage

Heart still jumps at your beautiful face

You tasted like drugs

Everything in moderation

I couldn’t stop

Got strung out on you

You were the one I always wanted

Fell in love with you in the 7th grade

It wasn’t supposed to end like that

I never prepared for that

You’re not you anymore

Someone else walks around in your skin

Doesn’t remember my name

Or the urgency in our voices 

When we said “I promise”

I’ll take this one to my grave

Always a wound that aches

Rub where it’s sore

Teeth clenched

Old pain on tired bones

You weren’t there when I needed you most

Disappointed for the rest of my life

Lost my faith in everything

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Emotional Slave

We’re a nation of adults who don’t understand our feelings

Left out in the dust by a generation past us

Never had fathers worth a shit for ourselves

Never had mothers who didn’t shower us with guilt

We are fractures and shards of a broken machine

Expected to function as human beings

You never gave us the tools, You never gave us a chance

We’re the sons and daughters of a dystopian land

And Im so fucking angry it ended up this way

We never asked to be born into all this decay

So we’re erasing your history and burning your past

You don’t deserve to live on for all the souls you’ve outcast

The debt is in blood and and we’re coming for pay

And we’re no longer listening to a word you say

You all birthed your own wrath from your selfish loins

And the price you all owe won’t be paid in coins

We’re collecting your heads to be kept on stakes

Like a new age Golgotha in the name of heartbreak

All the lives that you stole, all the dreams you have ruined

For the fleeting afterthought of the creation of new humans

We’ll tread over the ground that lays on top of your graves

This is the emancipation of emotional slaves

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Anhedonia

Everybody loves you

Everybody loves you

All I hears a dial tone

All I hears a dial tone

I feel numb, I feel

I feel numb, numb, I feel numb

I feel nothing

I am so ungrateful

I am so ungrateful

Smell the flowers, scoff at the flowers

This is not enough

Never enough, I give up

Somethings wrong with me

Somethings wrong with you

Damaged goods and broken

Damaged goods and broken

Not enough to fill the void

Carl Jung and Sigmond Freud

Emptiness, emptiness, emptiness

Shapes without content

I have grown to resent

I am not the one

Not your loving son

Love is cultivated

Only if reciprocated

Adoration is useless

Counterproductive nonsense

I feel nothing, give me something

Pinch me, cut me, slap me, nothing

I’m not living, this isn’t living

A house is not a home like

A beating heart is not a life

A breathing lung is not purpose

A pop up tent is not a circus

Cannot smile without a force

Can’t take from my own source

Numb and emptiness, Numb and emptiness

Feel so goddamn lonely

Everyones a phony

Envy isn’t flattering

Marvel at my puppet string

Dance and sing my sorrow

Another fucking tomorrow

Dull hum of life, dragging on strife

This movie is boring

Fell asleep and snoring

Daydreaming is a constant

I feel so despondent

Smile for the picture

Keeping up appearance

Lets all play pretend

Joy is on clearance

You don’t even know me

You see what you want to see

Idolatry’s beneath you

You could do what I do

My brain never stops

Cannot shake this off

Constant nagging torture

Textbook case disorder

My biggest supporter

Will be the loudest mourner

Crying over spilled milk

Laid to rest in fine silk

Appreciation not found

Six feet gently lowered down

Rotting in the cold ground

Suicide king wears his crown

He never married, he never married

What a shame, what a waste

Never found his sanctuary

Such a sad and forlorn disgrace

Onto the next, time will forget

Bones to dust, space resets

Just four generations

Completes all negation

Records are deleted

History repeated

Life left uncompleted

Time is undefeated

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Always the Bullet Wound

I breathe you out

Fighting instinct to curse your name

It’s not anybodies fault

But I blame myself for no reason

I won’t bother you

I know where I belong

Right next to the mailbox

On the side of the road

I’m always the part they throw away

Always in the way

Begging for love, someone to care

But empty outlines of people

Cannot fulfill me

Getting older now

It’s getting silly

I’ve always been a late bloomer

Im sick of being lost

The emptiness aches too much

Tethered to this world 

Of perpetual cold shoulders

Touch and I fall apart

Sigh and my eyes well up

Look and my heart explodes

I was wired wrong

Sensitivity threshold set too low

And every minor thing

Is a raw nerve touched

Defective right from the factory

B-Stock item, sold for cheap

Never for me

Good things only happen to regular people

Broken people get what’s left

Used up, worn out

Nothing to call my own

Nothing that matters

Always the bullet wound

Never the bullet

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I Do My Time

Everybody loves you

Multiple people have said to me

People respect you

Admire you

But nothing gets through

Like a dull spot in my vision

Like a frequency I can’t hear

The wiring is faulty

I can’t feel your love

An anhedonic haze

Slathered in lidocaine

Numb in only that spot

I wish I had an answer for you

I don’t know what’s wrong

This isn’t enough, somehow

So many people have cornered me

Grabbed me by the shirt

Demanded that I listen

While they try to drill into my brain

That I am loved by most

I understand it intellectually

But I feel nothing emotionally

I never wanted to be admired

I never wanted attention

I have no use for this adoration

It doesn’t sustain me or fill me up

I can’t even burn a pile of it to keep myself warm

You all love me

I feel nothing

I don’t love you

I don’t even like most of you

I tolerate the lot of you

Some of your voices are like nails on a chalkboard

Some of your company is intrusive and deflating

I wish I could return the feeling

But I can’t

Reach down for a big handful

And there’s nothing there

I keep these things to myself

Because no one wants to here the truth

It’s too sad and painful

It might ruin your day

I am uncomfortable 

Making others uncomfortable

By being myself

So I hide portions of my true self

The few who have seen it

No longer speak to me

They cut me out of their life

Like they went to drink from a cup of me

And got a wave splashed in their face instead

Everybody loves the sea

But no one loves to drown

Look but not touch

Take a taste but not a mouthful

Always too much for all of them

This feels like a curse

So close but so far away

Unending joylessness

It’s never enough

If you have nothing nice to say

Keep it to yourself and say nothing

So I do

I have nothing nice to share

I would have to lie, if I did

I’m out of lies

I’m out of answers

I just wish I were out of time

But I have too much of that

I’m not like you

I never have been

Similarities, but nothing more

No community

No tribe

Nothing to call mine

But years and miles of time

I do my time

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No Fault, No Blame

Don’t you do it

You shut yer damn mouth

Cause the biggest hole growing

This side of the south 

Has been aching and stinging 

When the air blows hard

Inside of your guts

East side of your scars

And it aint on her

To fix you and your soul

Just because you’re in pain

Doesn’t pay for your toll

So start picking up pieces

In the shape of a man

And rebuild on your shoulders

As best as you can

You punched enough walls

And you broke all yer shit

Didn’t solve anything

What a cute little fit

The angers not working

The rage is burned out

And you’ve seen enough blood 

To know what it’s all about

Don’t take it out on her

She don’t deserve your bile

That woman sure loved you

When you couldn’t smile

But change will come

And that’s the only sure bet

And sometimes ways part

And this is all you’re gonna get

You always want more, boy

It’s never enough

It’s addiction, dependence

And all that good stuff

So that train rolls on

And that train is hard

Gotta catch it on yer own

Just to see who you are

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There is No Future

No future

That’s how it’s always been

I lived it like there was no tomorrow

And I was sure I would be dead

At the end of my twenties

Every relationship grows stale

Shaves the edges off

Puts a tint over the lens

Can’t see each other clearly anymore

Bored of stagnation

Can’t breathe

Makes the loneliness sink deeper

Like a knife finding more flesh

A constant ache in your core

Turns your eyebrows in

Pulls your head down

You love them but they aren’t enough

She was enough, but she went away

Now my life is haunted

By knowing how great it could have been

And witnessing what it became

Nothing to fill me up

Always on empty

Dead man walking the day she left me

No dead man can have a lover

A corpse is too cold to touch

The ache goes on endlessly

Taunts me in my sleep

Laughs at me in my head

Tells me I deserve this

And everything is always going to be painful

My nerves stand on end, perpetual

My lips dry and weak

My heart like bad plumbing in an old building

Makes sounds in the walls

Cries in it’s sleep

If trend is what you want, I have nothing to offer

I’m just drifting on a one way road

Hoping to see a sign

Hoping for some life

There’s gotta be somebody out there

But I see dead ends and open road

My bones get heavier

Get weaker

Joints falling apart

Sore all the time

Something as simple as good company

Shouldn’t have to be so hard

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The Car Salesman

You're so pathetic

I see right through you

I see how small and scared you are

Lived your life covering up holes in your story

Afraid someone will find out

Your illusion will break

I see every boss I ever had in you

Afraid of me, threatened by me

To make a mistake around me

Cause I can outdo you

At every single turn

A better man than you'll ever be

So you tried to stomp me out

The threat against your rule

Tried to break me like a horse

To bend to you

Im not

What you

Want me to be

I don't care anymore

What you're asking for

I am my own man

I am free

Im the enemy of people like you

That are coming for me

Im not listening

Im not asking permission

I will do and will say as I please

And you will have to come and take it from me

I cant wait to watch you

Lowered in that coffin

Into the cold dark ground

Throw the dirt over you forever

I can't wait till your gone

Till the world can finally breathe

Cause the tyrant is gone

He's pushing up all the weeds

Make the flowers grow

Make the grass grow

Make the worms fat and full

Lie stinking and rotting

In the earth of your grave

Let the world move on and away

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It's been a while

     I haven't had much to say lately. 

That's not entirely true, I've had too much to say, just no desire to say any of it. A lot has happened and a lot of outside forces have tried to keep me silent. 

    I have had charges pressed on me from someone who raped a friend of mine. Apparently, when you come from a family of cops you feel like you can do whatever you want and press charges on anyone who says otherwise. A little weak man was very unhappy that I had some choice words for him for raping my friend, so he sicked his brother on me. I think he expected me to come after him, which I had no desire to do or even knew where to find him in the first place. All I did was call him out on Facebook.
    Lesson learned there, don't get involved I supposed. People can rape anyone they want as long as they are connected to cops in the family, and if you call them a rapist they will press charges on you for harrassment. 
    Unfortunately for him, this was a girl I was willing to go to war for, so I took on the charges like a man. I arrived to court early every day. I presented myself in front of the judge and my court appointed lawyer. I assured them that I had no idea what these charges were and that I had not even met this person. My lawyer was laughing everything off the entire time. Even she knew how much of a joke this case was, but charges are charges, so the game has to be played out in court. 
    I went to every court hearing. I stood in front of the judge like a gentleman every time. I was respectful and polite, never allowing myself to be out of line. I let my lawyer do most of the talking. I did not accept the charges of harrassment against me. Telling someone that I think they are a piece of shit for raping someone is not what I would consider "harrassment", but a family of cops only knows how to take care of their own.

    All this was is a giant warning sign of "back off or else". My reputation preceeds me, I guess. What it looks like to me is an admission of guilt. He got so scared of me doing something and going after him that he had to get the law involved. Why? Because he has a guilty conscience. He was so scared that I was actually going to find him and beat him up that he called his cop brother, and cop daddy, and cop grandfather, and they protected little baby bird by filing charges.
    Welcome to the reality of America. If you are connected with the elite, you can skate by and do whatever you want. 
    I had never so much as had an inkling of desire to go after this person. I had never met him, I did not know where to find him, wouldn't know his face if I saw him in a crowd. Apparently he knows me, though, and instantly shit his pants enough to throw the law at me, which did not work. The case is ongoing, but only because of COVID. They had nothing on me, no evidence of harrassment. I saw transcripts of facebook posts taken out of context that had nothing to do with this person. Big brother Cop was trying to create a scenario to get me tried for a crime, like all fucking cops do. Well, it didn't work, and I went and fought for my rights. I fought back with the truth and stood up like a man against the tide of weakness and their pathetic attempt to napalm this entire thing to make me go away. 

    They are dealing with the wrong person. I don't forget, and I do not forgive. I don't have to assault this person. I don't have to do anything to him. He has already done it to himself. Now he has to look over his shoulder and constantly wonder whats coming. He has been put on notice to everyone. Syracuse is a small town, and word travels fast. You think your cop family has influence? Buddy, I've been playing music in this town for 20 years, and I've made dangerous friends. You may have your gestapo of cops on your side, but they have rules and regulations of government tying their hands in certain areas. I have an entire underground network of thieves, junkies, murders and bastards. Not that I would waste a favor on a pathetic rapist, but the fact remains. I don't need to lift a finger. If any of them puts any of this evidence together themselves, they'll take care of matters themselves. All because someone did wrong to one of their boys.

    I have been silent on this topic since last year. The time for silence is coming to an end. 

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The Other Part of Life

its always the norms

who are upset by suicide

they could never understand

how someone could do that to "them"

how selfish it all is

wanting to keep someone in pain

just so they all don't have to deal 

with their absence 

all they think about is themselves

and how it makes them feel

maybe if they cared more

about how other people felt

those people wouldn't be killing themselves

no one wants to deal 

with cold, hard reality

death is a part of the package

and you just choose not to think about it

and now it's in your face

it doesn't matter how somebody dies

they just do, eventually

some choose to have a say in their death

they never got a vote on their life

you just have to sit in it and swallow it

like the rest of us

sit down and shut up

you don't know anything

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God is Comfort

god is comfort

nothing more complicated than that

some people find god in nature

some find god in darkness

some in the light

some find it in anger

all roads come to a source

to a single connection

comfort

some would be turned away

by the semantics of the word god

cause the word has been usurped by tyrants

and losers

they repackaged it for their own political agenda

the rape of the natural world

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Just Keep Running

she birthed her own wrath

the lesson she never wanted to learn

ran away from it, hid from it her whole life

and it sprang from her body

in the form of a son

who challenged her at every turn

out debated her

and she struck him down with violence

the great equalizer

the common defuser

but in this instance, the act of a coward

violence towards a child

who was born better than her in every way

able to rise up against her

get through all her defenses

and break her

sometimes, a lesson manifests itself

in the most shocking ways

nature doesn't care about your arbitrary laws and culture

nature will drive a stake through your heart

if you do not heed the lesson

be brave and face it

if you cower

you will ruin your life

cause it will take the rest of your life

while the lesson hunts you down

nature is the very box which you set your rules

and laws

and traditions

and nature moves

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Social Termite

hollow little vessels

empty lives

carbon copies with bad posture

body positive but mental negative

mindless crops of uselessness

they'll never do a thing with their lives

never had a life to begin with 

they need the herd to give them purpose

the hive to tell them where to swarm

strength in numbers because its all they know

most of them will never have a thought

outside the box

they'll tow the line for all their days

no quality of life

just numb up here, and fall down there

drag your horrible flesh around

for all to turn their noses at

for everyone to gossip about

hell hath no fury like a crowd disgusted

what will everyone think

what will they say

we tend to stack our value on the favor of an insecure hive mind

i never saw the value in society

never had much use for what they thought about me

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The Boss

i grew up around sick people

you can't help but be pulled under

by the weight of it all

in a house of moments of great creativity

but also a house of great cruelty

you learn not to trust anyone

every face you see is an enemy

and potentially damaging person

you learn to live with solitude

it was never going to be a normal life

not with what i was born into 

a pool of trauma and misery

a great sealing void of catholic guilt

a fear of being watched

and being judged all the time

religious mania

no real love

nurturing is forbidden

stern and strict makes a man

breaks a man

cracks the mold when you can't fit in

and they keep pushing

just trying to win

everywhere i've ever looked

it's all full of ghosts

lives not fully lived

in houses that smell of guilt and flagellation 

there's a smell to it

when all the good energy is sucked from the air

this is not a place for children

cold, white and bleak

afraid of any blemish

sanitized beyond compassion

all the good thrown out with the bad

sometimes it feels like a hospital

sterile, smells of chemicals

but a looming feeling of illness

just waiting for the right moment to pounce

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Stay for the Pain

whats more selfish?

the man who takes his own life

or the people who want him to stay in pain

because they don't want to have to deal

with death and loss

you can paint yourself prettier in the picture

but it doesn't make it so

no one wanted to do anything

when there was a chance

now that its too late

everyone has to choke on it

the real tragedy

is that someone wasn't paying attention

to the warning signs

and now it's too late

no one can help you ease your heart

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Ruined Lives

it only goes so far

till you're stretched out on the floor

burnt out beyond capacity

and wondering how the hell

you're gonna keep this up

this machine feeds on the weak

who are born into the line

all sense of pride and self respect

quickly beat out of them

like tenderizing the meat

before you eat it

cynicism is only for the good days

theres not even much of that left

just routine and numb

the mind can only take so much

before it fragments

compartmentalize your agony

and pretend its happening to someone else

all thats left is a shell

and thats all they want anyway

there's no regard for the content inside

in an entire lifetime you won't earn

what it takes to matter to the world

you'll never be something remembered

just another body that will eventually be forgotten

in time, no one will know you ever existed

or will anyone that knew you

fill your life with empty gestures

live your house with objects that only

serve as an attempt for meaning

but emptiness persists

cause inside of you there is a hole

and nothing in this world has ever

or will ever fill it

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Ursus

you can feel it now

this is the true moment

when everything has shifted

violently into place

when deserters are punished

and betrayal is avenged

pupils shrink in horror

you can always see it in their eyes

we don't need you

you wasted your golden opportunity

like you wasted your life

and I'm gonna make you swallow the regret

every bitter and jagged edge of it

down your gullet

like the fat piece of shit you are

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No Man

big man
proud as hell
boy, they'll really be afraid of you now
yeah, keep running
running away from being that scared little boy
of being like your father, that bastard, that coward
he never met a man he didn't hate
never met a bottle he didn't break
and his blood is on your hands
so go on, big man
big scary man
people are afraid of you
afraid to get near you
your voice, like trumpets
just like his
shaking the walls of the house
now he's a man, and a liar
so which one are you?
you chose
who's side are you on?
it's all on you
and now you're a man
you look down and you see his hands
but those are your hands now
who are you?

are you a liar?

are you a drinker?
without a drop?
are you a womanizer?
obsessed with your cock?
are you drowning in alcohol?
do you smell like oil?
like cigarette stains
in a house in the woods
what a fucking man
proud till the end
dying alone
the walls closing in
what a fucking life
what a fucking man
burned out shell
of a working man

a father's pride
a father's plague
a shadow you walk
at the mouth of a grave
so cheat em' all
destroy in his name
a defeated man, by his own hand

so look at you now, big man
likes to beat on the weak
likes to throw his weight around
you were never the man for me
you were never there for me
a man didn't make this man
a man didn't raise this man
that man didnt make me a man
that man never showed me how to be a man
i am no man Continue reading →