PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT

prepare for disappointment
i will let you down on everything you trust me with
just to fucking laugh
i dont build weak walls
and this is never open for discussion
just to shut your fucking mouth
is more than i asked for
this was never a contest
and you are in no way a trophy
theres so many things i should have done with my life
i'll be in the grave before any motivation strikes

LIFE IS GOOD, AND THINGS ARE FINE

life is good and things are fine
i hold her hand, she barely holds mine
i never could think of anything to say
she says she loves me, swears she loves me
thats just her way

the air is always so cold
she kicks the blankets off, complains until its old
theres nothing wrong with the distance between our lives
she says she loves me, swears she loves me
its just a bad time

she doesnt smile and thats ok
i need some contact, she pushes me away
i dont mind though, i swear i dont feel a thing
she says she loves me, swears she loves me
it hurts my feelings

i am happy, i swear im happy with my life
she is talking, i am listening, never talking
she likes to put me down, she doesnt realize it
she says she loves me, swears she loves me
im alone in my life

NO CHANCE FOR US

Theres no chance for us
We might as well be floating down seperate currents of the same stream
Stretching our fingers, trying to touch each other
This wasnt meant to last
Its all in her eyes. Every way into my heart
Shes got it all right there in the way she looks at me
If i really could just get up and run away i would
Im terrified everytime she stares at me
I know better by now
I know a mistake when i see one
Even when it looks as good as that
Shes trouble wrapped in harmony
In a perfect world, there would be no distance between us
I look around and i see no perfection
I see the hope for us crumble to the ground
Its too hard
I dont want her to look at me like that anymore
Its not fair
Im trying to do good for her
But she keeps making it so hard
When she wraps her arms around me she never wants to let go
How am I supposed to let go
Im dying to find someone to ease the tension
Im just looking for a safe haven to rest my aching head
I see crossbones in the eyes of every woman
Trust is an old fossil by now
We'll find it one day digging up dinosaur bones

FOR ME

this is for me, for the things i endure
every minute of every single day
for the weight on my shoulders
for the knives in my back
for the scars on my precious heart
this is for me, for the legs that keep moving
and im still standing after all this time
for the callouses on my hands
for the bags under my eyes
for the sore muscles in my back

you'll have to kill me to stop me
i will not be broken down
i will not adapt
i will not adjust
i refuse to live for you

this is for me, for opening my eyes
for waking up everyday
for the aches in my joints
for the voice in my head
for the fact that im still breathing
this is for me, for the love still in my heart
i will always try again
for the dirt on my knees
for the tears in my eyes
for the maker in the sky

never give up

YOURE ALREADY DEAD

she fucks for fun, it makes her feel alive
youre already dead
youre already dead inside
your nothing special sweetheart, just another head turn from across the room
but you got a nice rack so you'll hold out for another few years
thats all you are
you in a nutshell
tossed around the room like a whiskey bottle
you might as well be, its all your good for anyway
and that makes me sadder than any unforgiving word you can spit my way
youre the saddest waste of life ive ever come across
it makes me feel stupid for having invested so much time into you
it makes all the years wasted, all in one shot
you could have used a knife and the damage would have meant something
but its just inside
right inside me, where you wanted it all along
so i play fool again
you play run away
and were back at square one
you should have saved me the trouble
you should have not let me care

SO MUCH FOR BEING YOUR FAVORITE

so much for being your favorite

god curse the fucking day i ever layed eyes on you
thank the fuck christ your gone
dripping with venom right down to the fucking roots
you have a real cool way of draining a mans soul
all my wits came back the day you left
this was never meant to live
but we all have to stop what were doing to consider your feelings
cause your only in it for yourself
the mirror doesnt reflect for you anymore
it must be so sad to not be able to feel anything
your heart beats irregular cause it wants to stop working
cause your dont deserve it
forget me, i dare you to try
werent expecting such a hard wall to climb were you
babe, ive slit prettier throats than yours
im not impressed
youre not what you think you are
and im telling the world

STILL DOING THIS

its funny how after all these years were still doing this
still cutting each others hearts out of our chests
the difference is its starting to hurt
to think i used to enjoy the pain
in any possible way i could get you
that was good enough for me
hello my name is james, and im addicted to her
the smell of her hair, the feel of her breath
the sting only lets me know im still alive
i try to convince myself but ive never been good at lying
im too nervous and jittery but she loves that about me
safe inside with the wolves at the door
build my house from brick and stone just to know i can be alone
theres no such thing as perfection for a wreck like me
never satisfied, all positives tossed aside
so i tell myself its me, accept what i cant change
how can i love her when i dont love myself
well its easy if you try, another voice inside my head replies
if we make it through the fog then we're gonna be alright
im always so scared of dying in the night
so i dont sleep hoping im not wasting away the little time i have
but everythings always such a waste
they should have given my time to someone else

FAREWELL MY CONCUBINE

*a song i wrote in a band i used to sing for. i listen to this song more than any other song on the record we recorded. it really hit a nerve for me, and these words flew out*



and i know too well what it is to ache
cause were only as strong as the bonds we break
i swear to god its your new hobby to lie to me
i feel like disappearing, but you dont see my anyway

were chewing our tongues to try not to speak

one more phone call
this is becoming
loud and clear but
youre not listening
i see no point in
trying to make things right
you had everything
you deserve nothing


you deserve this

youre gonna have to learn to live
with guilt

i want out
i wash my hands of this


boredom, it seems, will prevail
fortune forgot to smile down this time
and i let go


and we did nothing

i buried all my heroes
every dream
i awoke from

and i have nothing left to say
before the waves carry me away
i'll let you down so hard
stay angry with me

so whats the point in trying to figure it all out, anyway
you live life like a dog, expect to walk in shit

you should have been dead so long ago
im dressing the walls of this hole
i think now im learning to call it home

keep your head down, walk slowly
so rain wont hit your face
keep moving, dont look back
just walk away

My Father

my friend vera has degrees in psychiatry. funny thing is she works at a bank.

the point is she did a test on me once and had me draw a tree. i drew a fucked up scary looking tree. the one i used to draw all the time. kinda derived from the tree inside marilyn mansons "portrait of an american family" record. i drew a tree with a face and it had two limbs coming off of it but each limb was like arms and each had 3 fingers and it had two roots.

i dont exactly remember what she did but she looked at it and calculated something from it. all of a sudden she looks up at me and says to me "what happened to you when you were 8."

my heart fell into my stomach. in an instant i was 8 years old again, and i was failing school and starting to not get along with my mother. my father was gone for good from my so called family life, and that was the turning point where everything started to get shitty in my life.

its weird how we subconsciously carry things with us even though we dont really know it. no wonder i feel like shit all the time. just when i think im over it, my body reminds me.


we are set on self destruct.

its like were springing leaks from the inside and we spend our whole lives patching up the holes to survive, but what we end up with is a mess of patches and holes.



i like my father. hes a nice guy. he does things for me when i need them. other than that i dont really know him. i grew up without him. when i tried to go and live with him things were already changed. he didnt know how to raise a teenager because it didnt happen naturally for him like it was supposed to. i didnt know how to have a father in my life at that point. we never really clicked.

nowadays i dont see him all that often. i could say its because im too busy, and i sure am busy, but i could make the effort to go see him and i dont. i dont know what to say to him. i sit in uncomfortable silence watching the television, while his girlfriend talks a mile a minute and randomly inserts guilt about never coming to see them anymore. i look at my father and hes not even looking at me.

he made a comment to my sister about me not needing him. it hurt my feelings. but did it hurt my feelings because it wasnt true or because it was true. i dont really need him. ive gotten this far without him. hes never really been there. hes always been just off to the side as the last resort, or the fixer, or the gadget man. never someone i could talk to. never someone i could tell how i felt. never someone i could get an honest answer out of.

it saddens me in a way, cause no i dont need him. i wish i did need him. i wish i had a need for a father in my life.

i dont.

i wish i had a reason to go over there. i wish i had something to say to him.

i wish i didnt have to drag myself over there to get my time in so that they werent pissed off at me.

this was not my doing, so this should not be my fault. he fucked up by having kids with my mother. he fucked up when he couldnt make her happy. he fucked up for not trying hard enough. he fucked up for trying at all.

she fucked up for not trying to work anything out. she fucked up for never having any patience. she fucked up for throwing him away when things got to heavy. she fucked up for not being sure. she fucked up for having kids to young.

all that results is what follows.

we are divided because of them

my mother and my father made their own beds. they can lie in them.

we are the way we are because of their actions. they chose disfunction. they chose to have everything scattered. i will not feel guilty for things i do not feel for them any longer.

i will not do things the way they did.

i will find another way.

DOESNT MAKE IT BETTER

just because your clean about it doesnt make it better
not all wounds get infected
not all drug labs blow up
your just not the person i wish you were
and im underappreciated by you everyday
one day your gonna wake up and your gonna realize what ive been telling you all along
and theres no turning back
just because you can soap your pussy doesnt mean it washes out all the trash you've let slip between your legs
there are no heroes among whores
theres no such thing as a clean slut
youre just as worn out as the floor you last got fucked on
the only time life is worth living is when youre on your back
so you never caught a disease, your still disgusting
whos gonna be there for you when it all comes crashing down
so why would you do this to me
why would you throw it in my face
of all things i do for you
im never a part of your plan
im never a thought in your mind
this is never about us
its only about you
well what about me
i deserve more

BULLETS

bullets graze my back
im dodging the vein
hardening the arteries
in the event that everything should fall into place
take a deep breath and brace for impact
cause nothing that special could ever happen
in a life like ours

i bought a shotgun for the wolves at the door
they will never take me alive
knee deep in sweat
against the bed where we lay heavy burdens to rest
i just need a moment to breathe
and then im all set
im trudging through the muck looking for that little something
that little speck of something special to make everything worth while
and you'll all know when i find it
because nothing will be able to hold me back ever again
im a firm believer that im one of the few left
and i have a heart thats red and pure
and all it needs is a warm place to call home
and carve a notch for her inside to call her my own
i know heaven is out there and nothing here is real
now do you think you can imagine the way i feel
theres something in the air tonight
its getting hard to breathe
but i accept it and i roll with it
and i know theres something out there for me

SHE SMELLED LIKE ROSES

she always brought bad vibes
she was always full of venom
full of poison
but she smelled like roses
so i let her in
its the scent that gets you everytime
and the nightmare begins again
i invited unrest into my bed
and i layed down everynight and closed my eyes
i woke up with a hole in my heart
and a lung full of colored fluids
i didnt want to adress the issues
i didnt want to know about the lies she was hiding
she was stretched at the seems with so much dirt in her past
all that horror that she didnt want me to know about
i was her release valve
her way to try to escape all that pain
it was as if she was sinking in quicksand and she latched onto my neck
to try to pull herself out of the pain
i tried to help her
i tried to mend her wounds and carve a nice little place inside my heart for her
but wolves are wild animals at heart
and they will always bite the hand that feeds
they will always break out of their cages and run back into the night
to feed on innocent prey
to get sprayed by another skunk and come crawlng back to me to wash the sin off her soul
i was a lightbulb in a dark world
and she was the moth begging for light
just something to warm her cold soul
theres something broken inside of her
theres something missing in there
she will never be happy for the rest of her life
she thinks that somehow someone will fall into the gap between her legs
and it will be good enough for them to protect her for the rest of her life
she thinks that life works like that
she thinks reality is every man for themselves
she'd sell her mother out if it meant being comfortable for the rest of her life

i feel drained
life hasnt been the same since she took the essence away
i smelled the roses
her roses
her roses grew in a vase full of poison
and shes out there looking for the next victim
looking for that life to drain
cause she doesnt have anything left
except to take from other people

one day i'll get back what you took from me

and i will make you see the light

i will destroy you

THIS

wind on my face
the heat of the night isnt so bad right now
the toxins are releasing their grip on my body
and seeping out of my pores
the air is electric
my head is resting on its heart
listening to its pulse
i dont ever want to go home
home is where the hurt is
i can see the veins in my arms cracking
platelets of blood rush like powder into the air
i fall to my knees
whats left to lose
there is no going back
i spent my whole life only going half way
always scared of never being able to go back
now im out in the great wide open
and i have no choice
fear is not an option
its kill or be killed
im learning in leaps and bounds
im running on empty
and finding out that the tank wasnt as shallow as i was lead to believe
maybe the fluid didnt even need to be there at all
im gonna do what i want to do from now on
if i have to be quiet about that then i will
but this is for me
i dont do enough for myself
even though people would have me believe that i do
its always for everyone
this is my life
i need to take care of myself
from now on
im walking taller

this is for me

INK GOES IN

ink goes in
stays there forever
tattoo your pain
why do they always say 'tell me im dreaming'
when are you ever told you are dreaming, when you actually are?
im not dreaming
im wide awake
and its 5 in the morning
sleep wont come for another 3 to 5 hours
give or take
look what they make you give
look at what we take
all the blame
all the pressure to tighten the valves in my chest
the needle in the gauge bounces in the red, in unision with my pupils
this feeling never goes away
nothing ever goes away
it goes to visit relatives, but it always comes back
love is just something to write about in movies
its a depression era film
it doesnt exist
how can i believe in god when i dont believe in love
people say give it time, you need to heal
the thought makes my stomach turn
its like smelling alcohol after a night of drunken vomiting
well, you do drink again eventually
but not everybody
for some people thats all it takes
maybe im one of those people
who am i anyway?
i dont want to hurt
i dont want to hurt anyone else
she wants this
she wants me
i dont want this
i look at her and i see a beautiful person
everything in the world to live for
could be anything she wants to be
and for as long as my inside vibrated at the thought of her, now its different
now isnt then anymore
and i dont want her anymore
i dont want anybody anymore
what do i want?
what am i even doing?
i dont know.

FACE THE FACTS

im too stuck in this hole to even face the facts
chalk it up to being human if it helps you sleep at night
theres nothing better headed our way
so just fucking settle down
theres no such thing anymore as wasting time
you had your chance when you were sitting around being young with your friends
well youre grown up now and your ass hasnt moved from that chair
and im done being the scapegoat for everyones sad state of affairs
have the courage to take matters into your hands
or at least a gun
do it right or get the fuck out of the way
and dont act like you know me
after all these years you never got to know me
its much too late for that
my life is constantly falling apart like some shitty house i should never have bought
im walking around patching holes everyday
and i still feel like shit
every movement an ache, every muscle is sore
and i always end up right back on the floor
well fuck what they say i'll die alone and proud
cause ive never been good with other people around

KNIFE IN TEETH

knife in teeth i climb to the window
to cut love from throat to sternum
and make it eat its own heart
the redemptions in the details, baby!
youre nothing but a cloudy memory
my head so full of noise i couldnt see how terrible you were
but im out now, and the air of freedom never tasted so sweet
venom drips from between her legs
ive seen the way evil hides itself
i want you to know that im o.k.
life is so much better without you in it
all it took was a hospital visit and two bags of saline
but im walking on my own again
and youre nothing but a sore story
you cant help someone who wont see they need help
you cant tell a whore to close her legs
eventually the fire will burn
i'll watch it eat you whole
make some room in this world for good people

FUCK IT

id give up all i have just to get myself a handful of her fucking hair
and pull her goddamn face close to mine
and finally say something that makes her understand
to make her finally shut her fucking mouth and see the piece of shit she has become
its hard for her because it happened slow
she grew up with it
the bitterness made its mark and moved ever so slowly
till she cannot breathe without it
its like playing with a beaten dog
just when you think you've earned its trust
and you can let your guard down
it bites your hand and backs into a corner, baring its teeth
dont you ever just want to kick the fucking dog
her with the razor tongue
pissed off at me cause i got her all figured out
some people dont like when you look inside their heads
her life feels like shit to her but its comfortable where it is
she takes the only comfort she knows
and leaves it at that

A GUTTER WHERE IT USED TO BE

a broken down whore with a gutter where 'it' used to be
the last time she felt anything good was ages ago
i have no respect for people who lose themselves without having a good enough reason to be lost
you're just like the rest
and you could be something to be proud of
you were born with a chance to change
to roll your own dice, and make it work the way you wanted
all you needed was a little strength
but its easier to let go of a falling wall
and never try to learn how to rebuild it
i feel sorry for you
and i resent you for all the times you told me i was the one who needed change
and i believed you, because i loved you
i did my part
where are you
its your turn
you're off somewhere sleeping it off
walking the fine line between caring and not caring who you're waking up next to
or what you did with them the night before
do you make your parents proud?
is that the problem? that they never gave a shit enough to be proud?
that doesn't give you the right to waste away the things you were born with
a brain, a heart, lungs, life
fuck you for not overcoming
fuck you for never learning from your mistakes
fuck you for the lies you told so well, and i believed
oh i believed
you fought so hard to build your life so that you would never be on your own
and all the fighting just made you become the thing you were afraid of being
cold and alone, on your own
with no good ear to talk to, and no one left to trust
maybe that's not what you want out of life
maybe you just want to be unhappy
you're trying to make the fantasy into reality
that's what it looks like to me
i get it now
i got to close
you pushed me away cause i got to close to your secrets
and you don't want to change your ways
cause you love being the damaged little girl
hiding behind her beauty
i saw all your secrets
and they were nothing special
you're hiding fools gold
you traded me in for sand
it just slips through your fingers
while i was always something you could really hold on to
so since you seem to have it all right
you tell me how that's fair
you tell me how that's right
fuck you
forever

EVERYTHINGS A LIE

i think everything is a fucking lie
and i dont care if it hurts anyones feelings anymore
every angle i turn to shows another lie
ive been made to believe that everything i learned since childhood is true
and now i am a man, and im steadily learning they were lying the whole time
names with-held to protect the innocent
you dont protect shit
thats just what you tell youself to justify it
so, young fragile minds cant handle the truth huh?
have you ever given them a shot
or is it that its just easier to lie
im fucking done with the way things work in the so called world we live in
im doing things my fucking way from now on
and no one is standing in my way
i can feel everyone feeding off me
its like they are trying convince me that im not seeing what i think im seeing
thats not blood were sucking from your veins
youre at home, nice and peaceful
were not surrounding you, climbing over each other to get to you
this isnt real
this isnt happening
i found my own way of doing things
and it works so fucking well that people want to take a piece of my creation
so they try to weasel their way into me
get on my good side
you cant have it
its reserved for no one
this is mine. this is all for me
i found my own way
find your own

THE FAWN

i see what shes doing
and she doesnt think i see it
shes trying to play the game
and get under my skin
shes trying to bend my mind
to make me believe all her lies
i dont believe in anything, anymore
shes trying to make me stay away from people she feels is a threat
shes trying to stake her claim on my heart, on my dick, on my body
shes trying to make me feel like nothing will ever make me feel the way she makes me feel ever again
i dont believe those lies
now shes trying to run away to make me beg her to come back
and when i dont she'll chalk it up as my fault in her mind
i dont play games
i dont ruin lives
i live my own life, and if you want to come share some time with me
thats alright by me
but if you want to try to carve your name in my heart
thats where i draw the line
i am not a posession
im not something you can own
i dont belong to you
and your hands can touch me because i chose to let them
sure, you are smart
i cant tell that much
but your flaw is that you hate yourself
you dont accept yourself the way you are
you think youre terrible and that deters you from every doing anything worth anything
it keeps you down
keeps you......underground
ive done all i feel comfortable doing to try to tell you different
but i see now that you need to feel that way cause it validates the way you live
you love to be scared all the time
you love to fuck yourself over
so maybe you really are the terrible person you think you are
but the thing about it is...
you never were before
you convinced yourself that you were
so you fortified youself from an early age
and in doing so transformed yourself into the monster that you most feared to become
and you did it behind your own back
almost as if by accident
its too late now
youre the fawn with the broken leg
the terribly insecure
but a monster inside
because you can never really just switch it off can you
no, you dont want to
you dont want things this way
im not even gonna hold my breath
im not gonna shed a tear
i wont even have a stomach pain or two
im just gonna keep on keepin on like i always do
cause im over the whole "gettin over you" thing
my heart doesnt hurt for people anymore
if you think thats sad, well then i think youre sad
cause i dont need to hurt anymore
i dont need to hold on to my pain
i dont need to prove to myself that im worthless
i know what i am doing
and you'll just always be the fawn
laying in the field
with a broken leg

IM SAD FOR YOU

its a funny fact of life
how the people you once loved so deeply
can become something you regret even deeper
the ones that got away
the ones that don't shine
the ones that turned their lives into miserable frustration and disorder
drink from the bottle
pray it goes away
but never ever do anything to make it really better
how would you validate your existence without the pain
you don't even know how to breathe without it
if the sting isn't their, cant feel your lungs
she always tried to make me feel like an asshole
for not wanting to be a part of the wreckage
she just didn't want to be alone when she drove head first into the sun
she wanted to crash and burn together
to dual self destruct
where you see a dead end, i see a wall to scale
where you see a black hole, i reach for a shovel and start putting the dirt back in
where you see no hope, i see a need to look harder
and you're what? angry?
who are you really angry at?
you want things to bend to your will
and you can have that, that's not a problem
but you have to have the fortitude to bend things
not give up like a scared little girl
you're the greatest quitter
the worlds shining failure
you'll never be a star in the sky
just a smudge on the television screen
and i am sad for you
i am truly, deeply sad
when i think about you