time and emptiness

the body falls apart, and hurts the whole way down

call it a life and then you have to live it

through

i've seen history repeat so many times

and time 

will have its

way

with you

i envy you, who can distract yourself from this

the years are really dragging on

we never talk about it, the truth just makes us sad

and time

will have its

say

in the end

the conversation's are all dull and pointless

no one has anything to say

i don't know much but i know this is just not right

so why

should i

stay

with you

i guess i don't relate and thats just how it is

you cannot change someones ways

sometimes i wish that i could get it over with

and that

is only 

sad

to you

i will not apologize

for what i feel

and i will not be condemned

for what you fear

as ugly as i want it to be

and as real as it gets

there isn't that much hope for me

and I'm known for making empty threats

Continue reading →

day of anxiety

I always know its coming. I always have the worst anxiety on my birthday because its the one day of the year where everyone steps out of bounds under some hair brained idea of tradition that I never agreed to in the first place. I never got a say in it, but for some reason people think that its the one day of the year when I will be ok with their intrusion in my life.

Its twenty four hours of phone calls, texts messages, and facebook messages that I have to dodge from people who mean well but don't realize that what they are doing is on par with cutting a piece of skin off of me. This is who I am. This is the person I am. I cannot help it. It's reinforced by 32 years of living and it's not going to ever change. I do not like people sending me well wishes. It is a useless, trivial thing for me and it's just a reason for someone to get in my face. I do not feel these bonds and these traditions that everyone else shares. I'm just different. As pretentious, and vomit inspiring it is to just even type that, the truth is what the truth is. I have been this way since I was a kid. 

My mother would find me in my room playing with my toys alone while all my cousins and friends and family were out in the other room celebrating. I wanted to be alone, it just makes sense to me. I enjoy my toys and my trinkets and my things as a solitary thing. If other people are around I don't feel that I can involve myself as deep as I want to and it feels unsatisfying. My mother would scold me and make me feel like a piece of shit for hiding away from all these people that came to see me. She would call me selfish, which is a nice abusive way to treat a kid. Thanks mom, great parenting you miserable cunt. I will give her the fact that no one understood introversion in her days, so no, she didn't understand, but she punished me for being the way I am and I just cannot ever get over that. It has done permanent damage to me that I still feel as an adult so I don't feel that I have anything to forgive. She refuses to admit that she made mistakes and looked me right in my eyes and told me that she never hit me when I clearly recall every single instance of violence from my mother during my childhood. She made me a violent, volatile person because she couldn't understand who I was. She wanted to break me like a horse, but I have always had a strong will and I never let her get away with it. I stood my ground and I raised myself, so I don't owe that horrible woman even a second of my time.

The fact that I am even alive and well today is a miracle in my eyes. I was sure I was going to die in my twenties. I had made my peace with it, and it never happens, so now that I have surpassed the cut off point that I allowed myself, I'm just kinda floating around unsure of what to do next. 

I live for myself now. I'm sure there is some selfishness in there, but for the most part I am very giving and compassionate to people. I think most of the people who know me can attest to that. I like to help people. I have counseled countless friends and acquaintances, been trusted with things that I have never told a soul. Things that most people wouldn't even believe, I have been involved in and done. No one ever had my best interest in mind when I was a kid, it was always there, so now that I am an adult and its on my terms, well, I'm taking the reigns and doing whatever the fuck I want. I went through hell to get here. I have seen horrors that you could only imagine and I fucking earned this right to be even a tiny bit selfish. You'll have to forgive me. 

The best thing I have ever done for myself is to become brutally honest with myself and be extremely self aware. Through this process I have really truly learned what makes me tick and I have come to accept myself in all my flaws and eccentricities. This is all a part of the puzzle that is 'me'. 

Now it sounds like I think very highly of myself, but the truth is I don't. If I'm being honest I really don't consider myself most times which is a bad habit I got into in childhood. A lot of times I don't really like myself or how I feel inside. I've struggled with depression since childhood and the abuse I was subjected to has left me with a very broken sense of self but I am still here and I am still picking up the pieces and working on it so it shaped me into this person who doesn't fully like himself but accepts himself and will give himself credit where credit is due.

I may be a psycho, but most people know that I would give them the shirt off my back if they truly needed it, and I am confident enough to know that I've proven that to people that are close to me. I also am realistic to the world and I realize that there are mostly predators and leeches out there who will take whatever they can get from me, so I am cautious and hold people at a distance, cause most of the time they don't even know that they are leeches and predators. They have no idea that they are awful, blood sucking monsters, and I have to keep my distance and sift through them for my own personal health and safety. 

And honestly, I don't even consider myself a psycho. That's just a word I use to break it down into simpler terms and relate to people. Most would just rather write me off as a weirdo and if thats what it takes for them to leave me the fuck alone then its a badge I wear with pride. I truly believe that for all my flaws and history, the problem isn't me, its you. People tend to go unchecked in their privileged little lives cause they've never had cause to check themselves or even look into themselves. Most people think the whole world revolves mostly around them so they take things personal and can't stand when someone truly has no use for them or their company as if its the biggest insult someone could ever lay on you. 

This is especially tricky for girls. The typical woman nowadays is used to being able to string a man along and work him. They don't have to pay for drinks at the bar, they get gifts, they are showered with the good life. Thats a usual american scenario. I have no interest or use for anything of this sort in my life. I will not buy a woman a drink. I don't drink and I will not put my money down for a drink. I will not be strung along. If you want to be with me then we will have full disclosure right away or I walk. I do not need you.

The weird thing that happens is that these girls will see me ignoring them and being uninterested and suddenly I'm the one they want. It's flattering but I am not trying to run a game on you. I'm not paying attention to you because I do not want to know you. Again, its nothing personal, I am just very selective about who I let into my little world. I don't know why it happens but girls love the challenge and they think they can win me over. The few times it has happened it always ends bad. They cannot grasp the concept that I do not want to have sex with them and that there is truly nothing in here for them. For me, its bizarre. I don't really feel like I am something that would ever be good for them. I'm trying to do them a favor by staying away. No one should be subjected to someone like me. I will wear you down, but they keep coming if I don't keep my head down, which I do so it's not so much a problem anymore. It's just a really weird observation. Is it really all that easy? Most men I've met would love to have cracked some sort of code like that. It's never been an interest of mine. Girls are nice, i appreciate them and respect them very much. I've been around women my whole life. My mother removed my father from my life so I've known a woman's world more than I have ever known a man's world. I just have no interest in being with lots of women. I really don't and never have. Most men want to fuck anything that moves, hormones raging. Maybe I have some sort of hormone imbalance or something, who knows, I just couldn't give less of a fuck about sex as conquest. I have better shit to do.


So anyway, I just like being left alone. I don't think I am asking much of people. I can't stand that bombardment of harassment just because it happens to be the day I was born. I reject these traditions. I have removed the essentials from my life because they were taking up space and I needed the room for things that suit me better. Yet, every year, even though I have already spelled it out a thousand times for people they still just don't get it. What they see as a harmless gesture is quite harmful and jarring to an introvert. Leave me the fuck alone. I'm trying to make you understand which is more than I should even have to do. I don't have to explain myself. I do it for your benefit. It saves a lot more head aches, but please, for the love of nothing, leave me the fuck alone. Right me off as a miserable grump. I'm fine with that. Hell, be mad at me! That's great. Whatever you gotta do to put it in your head to avoid me. This is my choice. This is what I would like from you. The path of least existence.

Continue reading →

the storm had eyes

you hear the sound before the evidence
but theres nothing you can do to change
its coming and it will devastate
you'll end up crumpled in a pile of blankets
wondering where your life has gone
just like everyone else

you're not special
you just think you are
cause thats what they always told you
so that the truth doesn't kill you early
they need you to feed the economy
and reproduce first

what is there to do
when you can't stomach it anymore
your heart is so broken
it barely even beats anymore
but you're a coward
so you can't kill yourself
you're praying for illness
or disease
something to take you out
without the guilt and shame
of it being your own hand

you see the faces of all the people
that care about you
imagine the tears streaming down their faces
caused by whatever atrocity you inflicted on yourself
its like staying in a bad marriage for the kids

these things that you give your life to
will only be cut out from under you
and that hollowness will light a fire in you
that burns the rest of your life to cinders
you have to pick through the rubble
and document what you lost

this is real
this is the rest of your life
an old man getting fatter
still with nothing to his name
barely a roof over his head
or food on his plate
you knew that this was going to be a hard life
you just hoped it wasn't hard like this
kept hoping that something would just come into your life
and make it worth living
but it never did
and the one thing that made you forget
the one thing that soothed that nagging ache
it doesn't do it anymore

stay married for the kids
stay alive for the loved ones
and all thats left to do is rot
first on the inside
then on the outside
and spit rotten words when you speak

rage is only for the good days Continue reading →

morons everywhere

like cops high on their power
so convinced of you're own superiority
the idea in your head, that you are right
and everyone else has it wrong
the smug air about you
the way you think you have to speak
in pseudo educated riddles
and words that no one uses in everyday conversation
you have become the thing you hate
a microcosm of the things you lash out against
you are getting high off you're own self importance
and all the people around you laugh at you
and have you all figured out
you can flap your gums
but you can't organize your life
constantly needing to lean on a friend
or someone who takes pity on you enough
on your own, left to your own devices
you wouldn't last a day
so fuck you
and your judgements
and your "i'll fix the world" attitude
you will die screaming like the rest of us
and none of your soap boxing is going to change anything
you're a douche bag
and someone to be ashamed of Continue reading →

the great beast

when you're in it, you can't see it clearly
you're trying happiness so you make excuses
for the obvious imperfections
the great beast is not big and menacing
she is small and unimpressive
so you dont expect the insanity
we never saw it coming
and now...
   we all wear her scars

she got into our minds
demanded room in our hearts
when we finally got away
we were never the same
sometimes if you listen close
you can hear her breathing
even all these miles away
i guess evil has a right
to the american way, too
the law protects the guilty, too

we all wear her scars Continue reading →

bad dream

what is this asshole doing here

i haven't had to deal with his stupidity in years

but here i am trying to correct his mistakes

while he tries to steal some of my thunder

the natural order that comes from my being

the gift that was culminated in my blood

that he never had any semblance of

and then this bitch at the front

trying to calm me down

im pissed off and theres no end to it

this whole situation is a fucking mess

and it wasn't a part of my plan

wasn't a factor into my day

so you can both go fuck yourselves

i am tired of fixing everyone elses problems

i got enough of my own insanity to deal with

without showing you how to put

a round peg in a round hole

the screen is smaller than the object

the fucking thing is ruined

figure it out or get the fuck out of the way

all i see are morons

drooling on themselves

you fucking people are pathetic

you don't know how to shine in the face of gods

the bones in my hands ache

from clenching my fists so tight

i am forced to deal with people

when i just want to be alone

i am forced to wear a smile

and keep a calm demeanor

when all i want to do is kick holes in things

and smash shit all around the room

what is all this for

what is the point in this

when all it is

is one big fucking circus

of dunces 

Continue reading →

ouch, don't touch. stupid.

when you play that close to the fire 

and laugh about the dangers, 

don't be so surprised and emotional 

when someone actually erupts into flames. 

these are the dangers you flirt with, 

when they get on top of you, or one of you 

remember that you all asked for it. 

there will be no pity, there will be no investigation. 

you played with the fire 

but didn't respect the danger 

and the universe swallowed you up for it. 

this is your doing, and your sadness 

and regrets are your own burden to bear. 

i have no sympathy for you or your friends. 

Continue reading →

alone with the mess

nobody cares about your problems

so you gotta deal with that shit

alone

cause all you are is

alone

alone 

alone

and everything you feel is only for you

no matter how much it feels like you're gonna burst

that you can trust someone, theres gotta be someone

to just pour your heart out to and get rid of it all

but no

theres no one

it always goes wrong

somebody else wants to turn in your song

and all you are is alone

you have to stuff it all down inside

where it rots and it kills you

where it makes the sun seem bitter and intrusive

where it manifests itself and starts to come out through your skin

you will deal with it

alone

cause no one else

wants to take the time

to hear you out

and tell you that they can relate

or help you solve your problems

no one else has the time

when they have nothing but time

but they want to spend it

alone

you will get nothing

theres nothing to give

they can tell you that you belong

but when the odds are down

they will abandon you

to save themselves

and all your history together

all those things you shared

that you think bought you some credit with people

that you think earns you a few points

and gives you a pass on some things

wont amount to anything

cause they only look out for themselves

you are alone

no matter who it is

or what they say

alone in a room

alone in a crowd

no one fully understands you

and we are prisoners in our heads

welcome to the future

its just like the future before it

Continue reading →

friends in the house of thieves

this is how i know they're wrong

when they preach to me

about community

about loving your fellow man

to get you close

to pull you in

so they can slip the knife between your ribs

there is nothing out there

but predators and cowards 

this fantasy of peace and good will

is dangerous and misleading

the reality is that you will get chewed up

and spit right out if you do not watch yourself

watch your friends closely

they are poised in the best position possible

to go in for the quickest kill

it will happen before you even know whats happening

no one cares about you enough

to help you with your negative feelings

no one cares about you enough

to help you grow as a person

they're only in it for themselves

Continue reading →

running on empty

the days we lost add up

but there is no way to stop it

we grow immune to the burn

and cant help but laugh at the way the body falls apart

the way your hand gets harder to open

and your sentences train wreck

like someone put your brain on pause

we find new lows every day

the over draft notices pile up

the pill bottles are always empty

and the bottle of whisky seems like a better idea every day

we get so tired of feeling so empty

when you've put in thirty years

and you've felt void of content the entire time

you get a little sick of it

and you start to not care what you have to do

to numb that ache

fill me with anything

they tell you,

"but look at all you've accomplished?"

"look what you've become because of it"

"you writing is amazing, you are capable of things people only dream about"

all in vain, unfortunately

no amount of accomplishment

no new skill set learned

has ever done anything to the way i feel inside

its all been a bi product of keeping myself busy

in order to run away from the feelings of misery and sorrow

its all been a distraction, aversion therapy

to keep my mind busy from focusing on the pain

i fill the script, but the script runs out

i go back to the doctors and she chastises me for not taking care of myself

like thats such an easy thing to do

like its as simple as it seems to her

i always feel like i could cry at any moment

it makes me angry, it makes me feel weak

it makes me feel like i can't control myself

and i should stay away from people and situations

where i would embarrass myself if i broke down

no matter how good i have it

i always feel sad

its always there

so when they find out about all the skeletons in my closet

i hope they can at least understand

that it was all just a bandage for my wounds

a temporary fix to a permanent problem

a way to clot the bleeding for just a few hours

before it starts again

Continue reading →

shambles

it doesn't matter that im falling apart

as long as it looks maintainable

as long as i carry on the charade

enough to where you don't feel obligated

to ask if im ok

as long as i keep producing

one arm cutting off the other

one hand nails the other to the ground

this is all im worth

it doesn't matter that i have never felt ok

its just the way i am

its easier to believe that

so you don't have to worry

what will it take

to finally break

to be the beam that brings this fucker down

the years only add bitterness

my anger matures like wine

i'll burn a hole in your stomach

i can't feel anything anymore

but this unending eager ache 

that calls to me in my sleep

to finally lose what grip i have

and venture out into the unexplored

to never come back

Continue reading →

other people

people have always been "strangers" to me

i remember as a kid, looking at people

and pictures of people from my mothers era

they all looked so foreign to me

that never really went away

i see people everyday

but they are so strange to me

they look like me, kinda

but they don't act like me

they don't think like me

i don't feel like there is anything in any of them

worth knowing

the more i try to interact

the less i feel like any of them have any value

do i feel lonely? all of the time!

but none of them ever make me feel less lonely

none of them ever do anything but stand in my way

no one adds to my life

they just misdirect it and try to fit themselves in

usurp and confuse my process

i am making mistakes in trusting in other people

Continue reading →

stalking a fawn

i have to say, at this point, i am satisfied with my decision to cut you out of my life like a cancer. you were possessive and abusive. everything was a battle of wits and every conversation was you sizing me up, trying to find an angle, trying to find an opening in my armor. 

what i know now is that you have always been a horrible piece of shit, but when we were younger you would flash your eyes at me, reinforce me with playful lines and slowly get under my skin. it took you years, and i almost had you. i almost turned you away, but when i admitted that i wasn't feeling it, thats when you went for the jugular and used every last bit of energy you had to snare me.

it never really worked. i went along with it because i thought it was what i was supposed to do. all my friends told me i was nuts if i didn't go for you. we'd known each other for so long, i thought it made sense. i let myself fall with you, and in the end when the ground came rushing up you used my body to cushion yours on impact. 

i commend you. you are a great liar. you're so good you can even convince yourself that you are lying. all i can say is you don't fuck like that when you are actually into the opposite sex, so spare me your bullshit. i never believed you and i still don't. i think you are pure poison. you're like a virus out in the air, you can't survive without a host and you drain them of every natural resource until one day you suck and nothing comes out. thats when you jump ship, create a new identity for yourself and move on. sound familiar? oh, it does, doesn't it. thats why it hurts so much. 

i rebuilt everything you ever took from me, and made it stronger. my life is going places that i know you dream about and will never see. you don't have what it takes to get there. you have always been nothing but a talker and never a do'er. never capable of any steps forward without a crutch. 

i want you to know that i hate you. it doesn't really come into play much these days, but if your name comes up or someone references you im sure to let them know what a piece of filth you are. i feel good in the fact that everyone has taken a side and turned their back on you because when they had all the information and they weighed it out it was clear what a shitty thing you pulled. way ta go, scum bag. you're more fucked up than i ever could imagine and even though it hurt, getting the fuck away from you was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

i saw a picture of you the other day. you look like shit, by the way. still pickin' at your skin, huh scum bag? thats cause you can't stand to live with yourself. thats the truth trying to work its way out. all the shit you push down will manifest itself in one way or another. 

and because i know you so well, i know that in the dark of night, in the peak hours of the morning, it eats at you. you think about it and it eats at you cause you know you are being dishonest. you're like a war victim who came home all fucked up and is playing the part, reading the script so no one will actually catch on to how fucked up they are. except you have no war, no fork in the road. it was you from the start. just a scared little girl with daddy issues. for someone you say you respect so much, you sure have a lot of hate for him. 

i beat cancer. you were cancer and i cut you off of me and bled till it clotted. kill yourself. you aren't worth the breath in your lungs and everyone, and i do mean everyone, thinks that and knows its true. 

you would do well to always be on the alert when you are out and about cause if i see you it wont be civil. it wont be letting each other just exist in close quarters, no, i will make you wish you have never left the house that day. 

why? cause i can. cause i know who i am, and i have never been embarrassed or ashamed of it. i will always spill the blood from my enemies. you get one chance and if you burn me, well, the gloves come off. no history, no years of friendship, nothing will get in the way of my vengeance. you are the adversary. i will always just be one step behind you, and two steps ahead. you are surrounded. the fear is a good enough start for me.

Continue reading →

practice what you preach

  i've seen the most narrow of minds of my generation throw a symbol up and pray to it. i hear them laugh and scoff at the people who believe in God, but they are another appendage of the same hand. 

  i've witnessed complete wastes of life, pieces of shit who have no sort of value or regard for anything in life yet they preach a message of drug free youth and pray to their beloved "X" trying to convince me and the rest of the world that they are a better person than i or anyone else just because they have obstained from substances, yet i see them indulge and addict themselves to things just the same. maybe not with drugs and alcohol, but with sex, with lies, with money, with fame. i've seen them delude themselves into thinking that its any different than obsessing over a drug high, than it is a natural chemical high. 

  people who demonize the act of getting high, these adrenaline junkies will put themselves at great personal danger just to get high off their bodies own natural chemicals. don't pretend that you aren't a junky just because you don't put a substance in your body. no, you merely fuck with your body into such intensity that it releases its own natural opiates and you get your "fix". 

  

  lets set the record straight. you are not a better person. you surround yourself with people who will help you keep up the charade cause theres strength and safety in numbers. when you want to lie to yourself, the best way to do it is to include your friends. you can be proud of yourself all you want for staying sober in the standard way, but you are a slave and pathetic in other ways. 

  these people are the first to preach sobriety and honor and are also the first to turn to violence, another addiction that leads to adrenaline addiction. violence is your gateway drug, dopamine is your opiate. 

  drink your caffeine, take your supplements and rip fuel to work out harder at the gym, to stroke your ego and lie to yourself that these are healthy alternatives. its no better or worse and you are basing your entire belief system on false pretenses. all addictions have disastrous consequences, and eventually your macho bullshit will eat you too. 

  straight edge is like communism. it works in theory, but when put into action by humans it is misconstrued and abused, and eventually it blows up in your face. this hitler youth, straight edge movement began as something pure and today it is a microcosm of nazism, stalinism, marxism, throw and ism you want at it. this has all happened before and you are too stupid to see it. i'm sure some of you have actually come to this realization on your own, but are too scared to entertain the idea or even bring it up to your peers. you do not question straight edge, you do not question your faith, your religion, your god. you fall in line and obey. you do what the good book tells you. you are just another sheep in the flock, just on another field, in another plain. 

Continue reading →

vultures

im so sick of all these sniveling, all bark no bite, self involved shit heads in syracuse. any sense of community or pride that i once believed in is dead. every last one of you fucks makes me sick to my stomach and i hope you die here where you belong, back stabbing each other, fuck each others girlfriends, stealing and lying to each other. you are all no better than the dirt you walk on, and when you're life turns to shit, or it already has, and you wonder why, just think back on all the shitty things you've ever done, or how many times you got on your safe and sound computer and acted like you had a  spine at all. 

whatever happened to DONT TAKE SHIT FROM ANYBODY. now everyone is so politically correct and quick to throw the non violence card whenever anyone actually tries to correct a wrong. you are all what is wrong with your lives and you only have yourselves to blame. no matter how much you smile in public, and claim to love all of your so called friends but would roll them over for a dime. you aren't fooling anyone and theres a reason you keep getting fucked over and left for dead. BECAUSE YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON. you have no regard for the consequences and you still think cause it worked for you in high school that it will continue to work for the rest of your life. there comes a point in time where you can no longer skate through life and you meet a fucking wall called REALITY. 

you are not my friends, and i am not yours. do not try to talk to me. do not try to get to know me. we do not share the same community, we do not share the same air. a foot long perimeter around me is mine at all times and if you step into that i will feed you your teeth no matter who or what you are, from now on. i don't want to even have any of you step into my line of sight for fear that i may have to vomit. 

i hope this city burns to the fucking ground and you have to suffer watching your children die in front of your eyes. that is what you deserve. that is what you have coming to you. your life is empty and meaningless and it always has been, and no matter of tattoo's or piercings or hair dye will change that. you can wear a mask all you want but eventually its gotta come off and you gotta come up for air, and that is when we will be waiting to point you out for the piece of shit that you are. 

you are all shapes and scenery to me now. you have no content. you are hallow. i will not regard you with the respect of a fellow human being because in my 30 years of living here, i haven't known any of you to even be a human being. i hope the weight of your guilt and shame drags your body down slowly like it did your grandparents and you die with regret cause that is exactly where you people are heading. no one will come to visit you. no one wants to be around you. 

i'll devote my time to the few who have proven they are worth it. the rest of you are ants for the crushing, and that is a promise. there will be no more talking it out. you are on the other side of the line now, and killing you or ignoring you would feel just the same to me. you have no idea what it is to feel unsafe and in danger cause you insulated your shitty little lives around liars and people who would nurture that kind of bad behavior. trust me, if you want a yard stick to measure yourself out, i'll be that yard stick. come and see what you are made of, or better yet, come and see what i am capable of. 

you fucking cowards. 

die a prolonged and relentlessly agonizing death. 

Continue reading →

dregs

abandon these people and their world. stick to things that matter most. you are smarter than this. be smarter. show the initiative first and influence in a positive light. turn off the noise. it only distracts you. keep your head in the game and play to your strengths. let the fools bury themselves in the weight of their sniveling and backstabbing. those are not your people. those are not your friends. those are the dregs of the earth and they congregate to draw blood and gnash their teeth at each other.

Continue reading →

i have no sympathy at all

im tired of the guilty trying to pull sleight of hand and lay the blame somewhere else  when it actually is on them. no one holds a gun to your head. your track record speaks for itself. i've asked around about you, i've done the research, it always comes back to the same thing; your refusal to learn from your mistakes. 

i don't even know why i get myself involved, partly cause i enjoy stating the obvious when people try so hard to cover up and mask the original topic. i see through the bullshit and i don't hesitate to make it known. it doesn't solve anything really, but it does out people for who they really are and i am able to remove them from my reality tunnel. its just part of the process of growing up, i guess. not everyone gets there right along with you. some of them just lay down in the path and let the darkness have them. 

i am not my brothers/sisters keeper. 

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your fault

i can barely remember it, but its in there. i remember my father calling me names when i did wrong when i was a kid. he called me names when he was angry. he would say "get outa there you little bastard. what the hell is wrong with you." sometimes i was a "son of a bitch." i remember the venom these words had and how they made me feel as a child. i felt unsafe, i felt like no one had my best interest in mind. this feeling has stayed with my into adult hood. i remember being told "quit crying or i'll give you something to cry about." my violent father who made me a violent person. i am angry with him for not having the sense enough to rise above his meager upbringings, for falling into the same traps that his parents did. 

he failed himself long before he failed me, and then he went and got married and had some kids. what the fuck was he even thinking? why did he think he could be any kind of father? the level of selfishness in this man is astounding to me. the fact that i ever called him father is disgusting to me now. he was never any father to me. i was in his way and a disappointment at every turn. it was my fault that he bore a son that was a complete opposite to him. i didn't like cars, or beer, or oil, or mechanic work. i didn't like cutting wood in a forest, and helping him out by basically being a slave. it was my fault in his mind. in my mind, he was a coward. he was a selfish coward who had no business ever having any children before he took care of the darkness in his own heart. he was just another fuck up flunky that didn't have the courage to think about the consequences of having a child, and i am the result of all that. i reject them. i am distancing myself from them because they are wretched fools who have done nothing but scar me and hurt me for my entire life. stupid people are dangerous and it doesn't get much more stupid than them. 

its been years since i've seen either of them and i can't get enough of years in between us to make the nerve less raw. 

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the good times are dead inside my mind

im not content with just the memories

they just get tainted when one sells the other out

all that rapture

ends up in fractures

and all the love you make

just turns into a burn in your gut

can't wash you out

when i feel used

like loosing a finger

and having to live with it the rest of your life

i block out every memory

cause all the good times mean pain and regret

so i don't think about you

i don't think about it

cause i'll just end in a place that i don't want to be

pulling glass from my knuckles

another scar i don't even remember how i got

inside the walls of me

like bunkers in the mountains

twenty foot thick steel doors 

with locks that could survive a nuclear blast

my defenses

render your attempts senseless

and inside my fortress of a chest cavity

there is rot

there is pieces of my emotions

murdered and dissected

turned inside out and thrown around this husk

and my heart is kept at gun point

where if it moves the wrong way

we'll pull the trigger

and send that cunt back to allah

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Back door

 On the weekends

I go and flirt with god

I go into a trance and ascend to the higher realm

And I visit with god 

I am convinced it is in my imagination

But it swears it is real

I lay down in its grace

And feel love like ive never felt in the real world. 

It strokes my hair and calms me down

It eases all my sorrows

But I always have to leave it in the end

No one is supposed to know the back doors to gods house 

But I do

It doesn't scold me or tell me I'm not supposed to be there

It just loves me and showers me with good feelings

The whole time trying to convince me to believe

To have faith and carry my faith with me

But I just tell it to hush

Cause I am imagining all of this

And god is only in my head

It says, "then why do you keep coming here if you don't believe in me"

I say, "cause this is better than reality"

God tells me I am being stubborn

That I have more proof than anyone

Yet I choose not to believe in what I experience

I tell god that I am on drugs and that it's the back door to his house

That drugs are only figments of imagination gone rampant

God tells me that he created all of it so it's all part of the same thing

It's the same old tired argument with god

I get sick of it so I tell god to hush up and stop wasting time

I only have so little time to visit after all

Before I come down and can no longer walk these realms of being

And I will go back to my life of disbelief 

And never tell a soul that I have met god

Cause it very well may all be in my head

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