spinning clay

its spinning out of control

like clay on a pottery wheel

trying to hold on

to get it to center

but it just wont do it

its going to fast

and boom

splatter all over the place

this is the way the world works

it can't be contained anymore

the bands are holding

we are all sick

we are all tired

and we are all ready to kill

tensions are high

no one wants any peace anymore

we just want revenge and death

i have balanced my light and my dark

i can love you one second and smash you the next

all it takes is a thought

i am at peak condition and i am ready to grind

i will take the world

one stupid idiot at a time

and spit shine those motherfuckers

through all their belly aching and crying

i will neutralize my aggression through help

i will help the weak, the tired, the desperate

i will take them in, give them shelter

get them back on their feet

and i will use my rage and my anger

as fuel for my heart

to heal the wounded

it burns like shit

and it makes for shitty fuel

but it will do

and it will get rid of it

i will burn out

i will falter

i will fall out of practice

i'll fuck up

then i'll get back up

and go have a sandwich

calm one second

fury the next

balance

all on a tiny pin

and i am mastering it

the only way

is through

and to never stop

i wont stop

because i can't

i will know when i have arrived

i don't need excuses

i don't need questioning

i will break all your hang ups

i will destroy your ego

and in the end you will thank me

through a mouthful of blood

and eyes streaked with tears

i will brute force attack your inconstancies

and i will ring them out of you

put you back on your feet

and let you go off to get it right this time

clean the slate

remove the guilt

we are not condemned

now do it again

now do it right

everything is fair game

i let you in to hurt myself

i let you in to set the bone

i let you in to thicken my skin

to thicken these walls

to justify this isolation

and i wish i could say

that it was wrong

that my crooked ways are bad

but i prove it to myself every time

you prove yourselves every time

i let it burn to prove myself

i let it ache to teach a lesson

i let it cut right to the bone

so you can see why im alone

and i'll be that way for my whole life

cause i have looked high and low

i even stopped to let it come to me

and i had to turn away, or walk away

from every one that tried their luck

10 steps ahead and first to the end

prophecy or just good memory

it all looks just as painful in the end

you get so tired of being right

having the same arguments 

that you've already won a thousand time before

and i hate when they apologize

i hate when they tell me they didn't know

when they should have said they were being careless

and they didn't care to take my well being into consideration

and they knew it all along

im holding my guts back in with my own two hands

and you're staring at what you've done

im just looking for something to hold this together

so i can get up again and walk away again

and they always ask me why i stay alone

why night after night i am at home

in my bed with the doors closed

and trying not to hate

trying not to give in to all the rage

they ask me why theres scars on my hands

why there are holes in the walls

and pain in my eyes

why i flinch from the effecting

why i get angry at your attempts

you people are damaging

and i am the damaged one

and they wonder why i sputter

why i arch and burst at the joint

why i shock and jolt at the heart

why i feel it necessary to make sure they know

that they have been through a fight with me

i keep you out to heal myself

i keep you out to destroy the need

i keep you out to ascend beyond it

so i don't need it anymore

so i don't want it anymore

till the nerves die off

and the heart forgets what it even means

so now lying pair of eyes will ever turn their lies on me

ever again

i keep you out cause im afraid that next time i wont stop

i keep you out cause i enjoy the thoughts of hurting you

a little too much

i keep you out because you are careless

and that isn't an excuse enough for me

to spare you the attack that i am constantly holding back

i will forever bite back

i will forever have revenge

i will never question the things i do to you

if i feel you have burned me

and i will go that extra mile

i will go further than you ever imagined

you will see a side of me 

that makes you involuntarily lose control of your bladder

that makes your muscles taught

that makes the fear pull back your scalp

and tighten the muscles in your face

i will show you a side of me

that does not think to break your skin

that does not think in terms of lines

and going to far

a side that would bury your corpse

in a secret place they will never find you

they will never find the blood on my hands

i scare myself intensely 

cause i know the depths to which i can sink

i can go from loving you and considering you

an assets to my life

to flipping a switch in my brain

and suddenly seeing you as nothing but scenery

nothing but ants in an ant hill

for me to obliterate out of boredom

out of ignorant darkness

out of a bleak lack of caring

i am fully capable of taking a life

i am fully capable of sparing a life

though scarred so that no one will ever see them

as desirable again

speak soft around me

and have your guard up

cause you have done me wrong

and now everything is fair game

there are no fouls, no below the belts

this is blood for blood

and i have mastered this

you will regret this

and i will make you admit it to my face

if it takes me all that i have in me

i will make you beg and scream for mercy

and i will always reply, "no."

own it and mean it

i own my flesh 

it does not tell me what it wants

you got it all wrong

there is no shame in natural reaction

its not fair to teach us how to feel good

and tell us to feel bad 

all those years and you still dont have it figured out

wrong direction

look the other way

keep your head down

im shifiting through letters, pieces of paper

trying to find something good to remember

shes singing the songs that are putting nightmares in my dreams

if this is it, im not saying goodbye

its not what you deserve

im gonna cash my rain check and take selfishness this time

im trying not to hate you

like you tried not to care

your good at patching things up

but not this time

as much as i want to im not letting you in

you have to go

keep your head down

so the rain wont get in your face

walk on alone

i never trust a man in a suit

goddamn youre a big shot

chopping razor blades into pieces of candy to give out on halloween

and i dont give a fuck about your 9 to 5 job

cause to me your the victim

youre the one stuck in one place for the rest of your life

it looks so good and it looks so real 

and shes the most amazing thing that i have ever seen

and it sits inside my swollen head

and it makes me obsess and desire for her

every curve and light blessed body part

every shine of god touched skin

makes every nerve scream at my mind

and my eyes twitch at the sight of it all

i feel weak in my knees

and my heart is feeling faint

i think my eyes are shedding tears faster than

i can even think

but i think i would rather remove my own heart

then to feel the things i feel for her

cause i know where it goes, and know how i feel

and i know that i'll regret every last kiss

i'll be that much more dead by the time she is gone

and no ring, and no praise will keep her here

nothing i can ever say or do

will make any sense of anything that happens between a man

and a woman

i want nothing to do with any of it

liars are all responsible for this

i was lied to when i was told love is a beautiful thing

i was lied to when i was told i was loved

all i ever hear is lies

i have been lied to

and i refuse to get lost in her eyes again

i dont want to feel my heart 

this the bullshit lies that i have tried to shove in everyones fucking pathetic face for as long as i can remember

no i see it for what it is

and fuck you for every saying you love me

fuck you

hung my head

i hung my head before

never felt that low

she was everything, i understand that phrase now

im dying for another taste of anything that resembles it now

im stuck on being proud

of what im not sure

i used to watch her sleep

i used to wake up to take her for granted

that uncomfortable smile she wore

always wishing she could read my thoughts

i should have told her my thoughts

if only she could be a little better

i would have been a little better

its a strange new feeling

ive never not had my feet on the ground before

and all of a sudden this girl has me floating on air

i never learned to handle it

i watched her walk away

i told her to go away

there were too many things to turn me away

to many facts in the way

the way she always had to be perfectly comfortable

and that comfort never included me

always pushed to the edge of the bed

it wouldnt work out

i wanted to fix it so much

like my life depended on it

i couldnt make it work

i couldnt make it real

its the fastest ive ever seen anything fall apart

we couldnt get on the same wavelength

she just went hard one way

and i was still there in the center

she might as well not have talked

cause i couldnt hear her

the emotion turned blue to grey

my feelings turned to heartache

all i ever felt anymore was a knot in my stomach

and an inadequate feeling

im not worthy of someone to live for

were breaking up, were breaking down

im left broken

geneva

i need a minute

things are getting so tense

i shake the nerves

my bodys spilling over

were all alone

the distance now is miles away

i guess we did it this time

im not sure of what to say

i just close my eyes

and walk away

its all i can do now

is hurt this way

im feeling so left out

from everything

and theres no time to say

we didnt mean it

your voice is breaking

the phone is dead again

and snow keeps falling

just to remind me theres no where to go

i keep on trying

to look for another way

but for people like you and me

its always gonna be the same

i just close my eyes

and wipe it all away

its all i have to do now

is remember how to hurt this way

im not feeling anything

im kinda numb to the touch

and theres no more time to say

i miss you so much

bitter cold, inside and outside

she broke down in front of me

i was just there

in the wrong time at an uncomfortable place

and i couldnt console her

cause im the reason for the mess

im the cause of this distress

and she wont get off the floor

we fucked it up

we deserve nothing...ever

the feeling in my gut is never going away

i couldnt tell you what happened to it all

for me it seemed like so much more

i blame myself too much

i shut my eyes and saw her face

the wide eyes and uncomfortable smile

im done in once again

i dont even want to attempt this anymore

i want to pack all my things

and head for warmer temperatures

cause its better than feeling cold inside

and living with the cold outside

old news repeating itself

everything is being ripped away from me

and i deserve better, more than most

i dont smoke, i dont drink, i dont hit, i dont cheat

so when the fuck do i finally get what i am owed

every attempt ive made

ends in heartache

and the hole just keeps getting deeper everyday

i will hurt you and im sorry

go, girl

away from me

go while you can

i will destroy you

i am malignant

abusive and poison

i will infect and misdirect

i will get in there

i'll leave scars

there's only so far

im willing to go

and i will run

i will push you away

i will find an excuse

to cut you away

don't get close

danger, keep away

i am so harmful

i scare myself

i don't trust myself around you

there is no limit

to the depths i will sink

and i'll drag you down

just because i can

i am a broken thing

breaking things

i would dry out oceans

to make myself feel better

i would cause extinction

just to sleep at night

i will go through every last one of you

just to calm the throbbing in my chest

don't get caught

see me for what i am

an exposed nerve

and live wire

a sweating stick of dynamite

a sweet looking animal

that will devour you whole

i was born

with a thorn in my side

kicking and screaming

cold and unwanted

and abandoned at every turn

you can't save me

you can't help me

i will only mix you up

i will be cruel

i'll get a little scared

and my fear will turn on you

you are not safe here with me

i have been discontinued

i am the defect

that got past the security check

i am a tumor

feeding and killing

you're nice

you want to help

you want to make a difference

i only want to harm you

to be able to sleep at night

i only want to hurt you

to be able to justify my pain

i will say the worst things i can think of

i will attack unprovoked

and for once

im trying to do you a favor

go look somewhere else

this thing is staying the junk yard

this is not for sale

this cannot be dusted off, buffed, repaired

i don't just need a new part

i am a heap of rusting metal

in the back of the yard

decaying

just like im supposed to