almost 30

one day you wake up

and your almost 30 with nowhere to go

this is the life they don't tell you about

i watched a huge body

grow up and around a small soul

a large frame in the blue prints

everything went according to plan

but the essence still feels small

still feels weak and incapable

still feels like its flaws are sputtering out of control

i don't know where the road is going from here

and i don't care

cause everything has so much weight to it

and going even two steps at all is an accomplishment in itself

so i'm gonna stay where i am

and smell the flowers around me

and watch the fools around me

wander around aimlessly 

and wonder why they feel so burned out all the time

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small comforts

You have to start taking small comforts in big gulps. 

This is how it is, but just for now. 

This is temporary. This is a means to end

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journal entry

i'll float around for a bit if i have to, but only long enough to run around frantically and figure out what im doing and get some sort of control over things. i will not let this bury me. its depressing the hell out of me and thats already more than i should take. i need to get some sort of foundation again and work from there. i will not be defeated. i will find a rung to climb and surpass all you fucks, cause thats what i do and thats what im good at. and when im at the top i will piss on all of you who tried to burn me, and tried to bury me. this is not over. i just need to mend my wounds and i'll be back to cut you down.

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dont let them in

stop it

stop feeling that way about her

kill it

let these feelings die

they are valueless

they will never get you anywhere

this is not how we live anymore

we are fine being alone

there is no comfort in the presence of others

do not let your heart flutter

do not enjoy the endorphin rush

learn to fear it

learn to run from it

stay alone

fortified like a cage

never willing to let them in

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i miss being numb

the heart's beating

veins, like rusty pipes, shake to life

i'm not numb to the feeling

i miss being numb to the feeling

i miss the dream

i don't ever want to wake up

"the escapist" does it again, ladies and gentlemen

i think i just broke open a bed sore

when i'm conscious, everything hurts

all of the time

this is not life

this is not living

but i'm scared to death of everything at all times

the mind reels in horror

speak to me, say something

you could hear a pin drop right about now

anchors down, but theres nothing there for it to catch onto

this is going to be bad

we will all pay for this in the end

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where i end and you begin

a great arm stretches from the sky to point its overbearing finger at me and scream

"STOP GETTING IT WRONG"

clear as day and i'm still confused

i've conditioned myself to jump head first into the hive

the most uncomfortable part of my day, everyday

i open my eyes to new hidden agendas

and i swear to god that sun up there has it in for me

every step i take is a walking disaster

the weather will once again get cold

all the elements of my body will argue and disagree with each other

all the chemicals in my brain will reintroduce me to my old friend pain

this is where i end and you begin

we can forget this ever happened

we can fall in love all over again

we'll fall in love, we'll fall down so hard

i fall for you harder overtime

we can laugh at each others bruises

we can wipe the blood off our noses

we can promise to never hit each other again

there will only be the traces left

etched in our skin

of where i end and you begin

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lines clearly drawn

sitting in your house

seeing the line clearly drawn

knowing where i stand

no matter what happens from here on in

i return to my hole

where i belong

put in my place

and waiting for something else

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the bills must get paid

a shell of a man

thats all thats left

they carve out their insides

to make others content

sell their souls to the dollar

cause its all there is left

broken men, broke off of broken homes

tired and sore, worn through the floor

we'd cut our wrists if we could afford a knife

but the bills must get paid

and the clothes must stay dry

if they would have asked us our opinion

to be born into a world with nothing in it

we probably would have stayed wherever we were before

cause nothing is worth this, nothing hurts like this

the rich man lost control and they took his slaves

so he brought it underground and enslaved all the poor

abolish is just a word that they used to feign freedom

nothing was stopped, just a shift in semantics

a new word added to the dictionary

and the illusion of pay in exchange for services

this is not life

this is torture, but not enough to kill us

just enough to keep us weak and desperate

what happens when we've had enough

and we arm ourselves to the teeth

and gut the first person who tries to tell us what to do

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journal entry

  Well what the fuck? How am I supposed to feel and how I am supposed to deal with it? This is the strangest situation I’ve ever been in and for once I’m not trying to control things and just let things fester. I really don't see any other way around this aside from not talking to her anymore. I don't think I can do that right now, maybe sometime in the near future, but right now I don't think I am capable.

  I am sitting here with everything in my goddamn life in limbo and I think a little playful joking about it is well fucking earned. These are the reasons I despise people and despise letting them in to my life because they only have any understanding as far as is convenient for them but when it gets down into the real grit, and they see how dysfunctional and sad I really am they run away or we have conflict. I will never be a happy and positive person, boo fucking hoo for you. Either deal with it or leave me alone. I am completely fine with either one. I have been through enough life draining crap to know that I really have nothing left and I completely lack any plan what so ever. I am just waiting around to die and, if truth be told, I am trying to do that in a steady though private fashion. I will not disclose the details of how I am going about that, but nevertheless it is and has been underway.

  I am joyless in life. I have little stints here and there, and I am real good at faking a smile, but the real truth is I end up alone, which I have gotten quite used to. The romantic bullshit side of me, or should I call it the lies I was fed as a child which instilled in me a hopeless belief in things that aren't real, says that I don't want to be alone, but the realistic side of me says that I have no choice in the matter because I am insane and no one should be subjected to the amount of bullshit that I acquire and cause on a daily basis. So I am alone, and that fact is so old that it doesn't even affect me anymore. I feel either numb or bitter and sometimes both nowadays, and every once in a while some little heart flutterer will come my way and throw her hair in my face and I’m expected to be saved by love. Get fucking real, there’s no such thing. Endorphins and dopamine cannot save anyone. I have no dreams left and I have no illusions about what love is. It’s a proximity infatuation, its a toy of the week, its a fad and it fades, and all that’s left is remorse for your body becoming tolerant to the chemicals that love invokes.

I just don't care anymore.

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take two, swallow

the more you think you know, the more you realize you don't know

we're alone in this world, but we have each other

i guess i don't understand why we're looking for someone else

take two this time, swallow

i'm looking in the same places for different people

i'm waiting for them to come to me, but i know they wont

there isn't much happening when you have no hope

i've given up on almost everything

my father used to call me a quitter

and i guess i am

i'll be a quitter just to spite him

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whatever helps you sleep at night

you gotta live your life

whatever helps you sleep at night

your doin enough "living" for the both of us

this house of cards will fall

i will wait from afar until it does

so i can wind up 

run as fast as i can

and knock the wind out of you

with a kick when you're down

i will document this fall

its become an interest of mine

an obsession with the details

the warning signs are clear

and you cant use the "it was too dark" excuse

cause the damn things are in lights nowadays

its all around you

but your averting your eyes

you dont want to see it

the most spineless person ive ever met

in my entire life

lick your wounds all you want

theres more coming

this is where half truths gets you

i know you hate being the bad guy

but you where the mask so well

its molded to your face

real tears and all

you dont get to be spared of anything

this is coming down

whether you like it or not

and i know youre holding details back

whether you admit it or not

justify the lie

surround yourself with the people

who also run from the truth

they support your mess

and you trust them all

im gonna go put in popcorn

ive seen this movie before

and the ending is awesome

i love watching a mess

fall and make an even bigger mess

hail to the honest, baby

i told you so

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this changes nothing

its nothing new

and it changes nothing

not one palpitation in my chest

i have been through all of this before

back then it used to get to me

now, its just like breathing

i go through the motions

i look for treasures underneath the rubble

but everything shiny

it just a glare

there is nothing left under the sun

just little teasers

they used to get my hopes up

i don't have hopes anymore

i have no faith left in anything

and im just doing my time

till its ok for me to die

its more habit now than anything

to go through the motions

and continue on as if theres purpose

truth is, i haven't felt purpose in a long time

im not surprised by anything anymore

i wake up, i distract myself, i go to bed

same cycle ever day, every year

maybe i need a change

but i don't even want to try a change anymore

i don't really care

all life is pointless

all things are meaningless

and everyone lies to themselves everyday

trying to convince themselves that it isn't true

but those facts hang over your head

and they resurface every now and then

you cant keep the truth buried

you cant make a dead horse move

and we are all living in a dead fucking horse carcass

and its going nowhere

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the shakes

my contempt grows by the hour

every person i see makes me grow more and more angry

spouting their bullshit opinions

talking like they have anything valid to say

its been years since ive heard anything valid

all the poking and prodding

the sarcasm

the stupid questions that fill my head

with fantasies of violence

rumour goes around that the world is coming to an end

and i cant help but wish it werent so slow

cause im so tired of all of this

im so tired of all of these.......people

living their stupid lives

trying to have some importance

running blindly from the fact

that things are just so goddamn boring

fuck your life

fuck what you do to cope with it

i have no sympathy

no feeling at all

for any of you

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just another

always remember

im better than you

im stronger than you

im smarter than you

everything you do is only childs play

and i dont give a fuck about your feelings

this is not about you

this is about me

so shut up and give me what i deserve

utter devotion

a god among mortals

the sun in your eyes

the pieces fell together the day you met me

your just another grain in the sand

just another pretty face that does not impress me

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akward and uncomfortable

we put everything out on the line

akward and uncomfortable

we looked at each other with fear in our eyes

and begged ourselves not to hurt each other

i feel like i lost everything

and i gave it my everything

but thats never enough

and love doesn't mean anything

i cant help but feel abandoned

when you're the one that walked away

like holding my head underwater

and asking me if its ok

it kills me to see you

parade around with her

right in front of my face

no matter how it hurts

and i trusted you

not to break my heart

you know better than anyone

and i cant handle rejection

i never thought that you of all people

would do this to me

i never thought we'd end up this way

and its ruining me

you promised me so many times

that i had nothing to worry about

i believed in you

and i believed in us

and now i have to find myself

a new peace of mind

i have to start all over

when im the one who got left behind

i don't know how i can live my life

without you in some shape or form

id pull my goddamn heart out

cause i don't want it anymore

this life just keeps getting harder

and i feel like shit everyday

just when i think i've got something good

life takes it away

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journal entry

She moved away for some time to North Carolina, and my feelings for her had somewhat diminished over the years. People change, and she became someone else that I felt was ok, but not someone I wanted to be with anymore. When she came back from North Carolina she wanted to start up a relationship. I wasn’t really feeling it at the time, but I am a pushover, so she kept at me and eventually I caved. I felt nothing for her at the time, but it was nice not to be alone. Eventually I learned to love her and let her in, and after two years of a good relationship she decides that she is a lesbian. She had been hanging out with a lesbian friend of hers for a while and hanging around her group of friends. Jen had always been easily influenced and lacked any real sense of self, so I never bought the fact that she was a full on lesbian. She had always been bi-sexual, and mistrusted men. When it came down to it, she had read to many feminism books, and hated men already, so bullshit took its course, and I was thrown away. Lesbians don’t have long drawn out sexual relationships with numbers of men only to decide they are gay when they are almost in their thirties. You’re born with it, you know all along. I was born with a dick, I didn’t become aware of it in my late twenties.

  So we had our falling out where she apologized to an annoying amount for ruining my life, and swore that we would remain friends, when I was just trying to get as far away from her as possible, but I didn’t really have anywhere to go cause I gave up every escape route I had to be with her. She used to make me promise that I wasn’t going to cut her out of my life. I lied through my goddamn teeth every time I said ‘I promise’.

  Jen had always had trouble finding her identity. Every time she started to feel plain and uninteresting she would create a new identity. She was a ‘freak’ when I met her, wearing Marilyn Manson shirts and extra large clothes, looking pissed of and “different” all the time. At some point she became a hippy and started wearing tie-dye and listening to the Grateful Dead and Rusted Root a lot. Then she got a job and had to look presentable so she became plain again, but couldn’t deal with that so she shaved her head and became some macho bull dyke but didn’t come out of the closet yet (cause it wasn’t fucking real). Some people cant deal with the fact that they are boring and useless and they fight with it all their lives. I remember once she tried to be vegan, but you go vegan and blow lines of coke with your cokehead boyfriend and not expect to pass out from malnutrition in the isle at a grocery store (true story). Later that boyfriend would die in a car accident where he drove off the road and the car flipped. The cause of death was internal decapitation. The spine snapped right at the neck. It was sad really, he was a great drummer, could have gone far, but he had a powerful lust for white drugs.

 Eventually she became somebody completely different to what I had signed on for, so I no longer needed that kind of person in my life. I removed her like you would anything you were done with.

  I used to tell her that I loved her, but I’m not quite sure I ever did. I think at one point I thought I did, but now that I think about it I’m not so sure. I wasn’t even really sure what love was at that point. I loved fucking her, she was good in bed. I hadn’t really been much for sex until I met her. It was just a part of me that I switched off a long time ago, because I was too shy to ever expect to have sex with a girl. Most of the time during our relationship, though, I wanted to be alone. I would hide in my room on my computer or reading a book, and she would come into my room nine thousand times to ask me a stupid question or talk in a goddamn baby voice. That’s not love, that’s settling, and I settled because I thought that maybe I was wrong, maybe this is what I was supposed to do. 

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you wont miss us

you wont miss us

we're the parts you throw away

left in the dust to rot in the sun

there is no glory in this

there's no rhyme or reason why we go on like this

a need for another

its such a fucking scam

you'll end up settling for less

just because you dont want to be alone

and when they move on

when they find someone new

it will be too soon

and it will move too fast

and you will be left to feel like shit

with your thoughts

and a giant goddamn hole where your stomach used to be

we construct other people to feel like home in our minds

and you cling to the foundation as it all comes falling down

you walk a few yards from the wreck

completely in shock

and not knowing what to do next

it feels terrible when you feel the room shift

and suddenly there is no space for you in there life

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journal entry

It ended with a whimper, which doesn’t really surprise but it is disappointing. Some people just can’t cope with being who they are, so they constantly have to shift, and wriggle around, change things up so they feel better about themselves. All the while trying to convince you that you are the one with the problem.

  I have tons of problems, I admit that openly. I have an anger problem, I have abandonment issues, I have attachment issues, but I am aware of them and have dealt with them my whole life, so I know when I’m just being insane. In today’s standards, I’m a fairly well adjusted person.

  I just don’t have patience for peoples hangs up and bullshit anymore. I have no time for it, and I refuse to even acknowledge it, it’s such an insult that anyone would try to wear their bullshit on their sleeve. As the great Dennis Leary once said, “Life sucks, wear a fucking helmet!”

  I’m particularly impatient with people who don’t know what they want. That’s just laziness to me, and this is coming from a lazy person, but I know exactly what I want, and I know that the only way I am going to get it is by getting off of my fucking ass and going towards it. There have been to many instances in my life where people have strung me along claiming that they wanted to be a part of my life, but when things got a little difficult they didn’t want to play anymore.

  I’m not playing games, I don’t have time for idiots, and I am through with people who don’t know what they want, because you’re not just fucking yourself up, your taking a lot of people around with you. The irresponsible have inherited the earth, and this fact makes me want to blow the whole goddamn thing up.

  For the record, when someone I love completely taints the qualities I love about them, and takes apart everything that there is to love and throws it away, they are no longer that person. It’s a complete do-over, we now have to meet each other again, and that doesn’t always mean I will like this new person. I will give it my best shot, and if there was a vast improvement I would appreciate this new person, but I have no time for regression. I have no sympathy for people who go backwards. The only way out is through, and if you step back you are weak, and you are a coward, and that is lower than the dirt to me.

  The world is a sad place, and I am a sad man in it. All I have is myself, and if that’s the way it has to be then I’m fine with that. I’d just rather have it known and agreed upon, then all this fucking gray area. This is it for me, this is all it will ever be. I know that and I accept that. I’m just trying to do my time, and make the most out of it while I’m here. So you are either on my team, or you are in the way. 

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joyless in life

i am a former abused, broken thing

i feel i should be exterminated

i feel beyond repair

the cost of repair is way beyond the worth

i do not exclude myself in the ways i feel about humanity

i think we coddle our wounded

and we make excuses for those who have no use

those that should be introduced to the trash can

human life is so precious

yea fucking right

it should be just as trivial and meaningless as everything else

humans love to have this air of superiority

that our existence is such a treasure to the world

weed out your species

theres too many weeds in the garden

choking the life out of all the beauty

we abused will never get better

we will never function

and will continue to be a drain on other people

i wish to be thrown away

i am joyless in life

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life ruiner

its easy to pass your judgements

when you don't walk in my skin

yet you find it ok to try my life on 

like a pair of shoes

but when it doesn't suit you

off it goes

i have to live this

i have to make it my own

so no i don't think your judgements matter

and no i don't feel like you are worth my time anymore

you pretended your way into my world

said everything i've ever wanted to hear

and shielded your pathetic little body with mine

i took the damage

i took the brunt of it

for you

you convinced me you were worth it

and i believed you

and when things were so far in

when the roots were so ingrown

you dropped me on my head

pulled the rug out from underneath me

and everything in my world crashed and broke around me

and there you stood

like a scared little girl

apologizing, with her hands to her mouth

sorry doesn't cut it

you asked me to trust you

so i did

you asked me to love you

so i did

you asked to be a part of my world

you were the one that came to me

so i let you in

and you burned it to the ground

we were trying to build foundations for life

on the ground of a scared little girl

who swore she knew who she was

who swore she understood 

and at the worst moment, you backed out

you fucked me over

and you ruined my life

so you'll have to forgive me

if i don't look at you so friendly anymore

my life is in shambles

and its because of you

your words mean shit to me

because i've had time to look at what they mean

and they are hollow

you are are hollow

and you don't mean the things you say

you just don't have the guts to stand on your own to feet

so you lean on other people

like a fucking leech

living off other people

you are scum

you are the reason people kill themselves

you are the reason that understanding between two people will never be achieved

all because of people like you

who don't have the balls to admit to themselves that they are hurting people

you are so good at lying to yourself

its your last line of defense

you pull the wool over your own eyes

cause you'd rather not see the truth

it makes you pick at your skin

it makes you look in the mirror

and see ugliness

cause the truth fucking hurts

you are ugly

and you are embarrassing

and you should be destroyed

have it your way

it'll all gonna come down on your head in the end

and i will have my revenge

i will wait it out

to find you when you are down

and kick your teeth in

i want to really drive it home

that you are the one to blame

you are the reason for other peoples pain and suffering

and you can run away

and create a new identity for yourself all you want

you can jump on this new bandwagon

and throw some labels on yourself

but we all know you

and we know how hollow you are

and you look like a joke

you're a broken fawn trying to convince herself she's a buck

you aren't capable

you never were

its pathetic

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