chemical shakes

horrible shakes as the chemical enters my blood
i can feel it making itself home in my body

its feet up on the coffee table

im retching at the ground
i feel the rusted pipes shake and fill
the corroded valves shriek to life
i havent used my heart in years
its like a bomb went off in my chest
i wish i could bleed out and die
its better than what i know is going to happen if this keeps up
i cannot do this
apparently im not making things clear enough
maybe im not running far enough
maybe im going about this all wrong
inside i know im lying to myself
you cant run away i should know that by now
a lesson i'll never learn

i roll my eyes at my own situation
as if im watching it from the other side
what a crock of shit
im still not done beating myself up
im not satisfied
i dont hate myself enough yet
its not time to turn things around and start repairing
im having too much fun destroying myself
it helps me write these beautiful words
these little scaps of paper dedicated to whoever finds these after im rotting in the ground

i tell her i love her as i breathe the tension out of my bodyi tighten my eyes trying to take in the feeling of letting go and being free of this burden, as i put the gun barrel to my right templea wash of comfort overcomes me, i smile at the thought of going home and clench my trigger finger and float away