death to hearts

she puts my face down into the mud

presses her foot against the back of my neck

she lets me up for a minute

looks at me with worried eyes

and asks me "are you ok with this"

i tell her yes 

cause i dont want her to feel bad

but i am not ok with this

i dont want to be here

i dont want my face in this mud

but i cant stand to hurt her

i cant stand to see her struggle

with the fact that what shes doing

is affecting me in a negative way

this has become my life

getting my face pushed in mud

getting walked on

and trampled over

getting things that twinge my heart

paraded in front of my face

and all i can do is smile

and wait until it doesnt affect me anymore

wait until my heart finally dies

until theres nothing left to lose

and i dont care anymore

this is my lot in life

im not allowed to be the one 

to teach people not to hurt other people

im just the one who always gets hurt

cause im not willing to do the hurting

i will get walked on for the rest of my life

because i care too much

and i have too much faith in fantasies

my heart will one day die

and maybe when it does

i'll still be alive

to walk among the crowd

and not feel a goddamn thing

and not have to worry about

the people around me

the ones who tell me they care about me

so i wont have to care about them

i wont have to care about anybody

it just gets in the way

Continue reading →

cowardly fawn

im tired of this game
where we fence around each others spite
and you dodge responsibilty at all turns
you surround yourself with things
and people that tell you what your doing is ok
you believe your own lie
but youre not strong enough to build good walls
and were coming on through
i can see right through you
immersed in the lie
the truth is youre just a brat
and to admit that
would be to admit fault
but to admit fault
would be to admit the lie
and then the bricks come crashing
down on your head

youre not different
youre not unique
youre just like everyone else
you just wear brighter colors
this free spirit kick your on
is worn thin
youre just an asshole
who doesnt want to have to do anything
that would entail facing demons
and dealing with the depression

get off your fucking ass
youre not better than anyone else
and you have to suffer this
just like everyone else

i forsee abandonment in your future
when the lie catches up to you
and you have no one left to turn to
youre gonna lose it all
and im gonna watch

ive never known a bigger coward
and thats saying something Continue reading →

homewrecker

im gonna murder you with this knife in my back
and there isnt a goddamn thing you can do to avoid that
because you deserve it
you dont wreck somebodys home
just because you have nothing
you dont get to take from me
i see the game your playing

these wounds you opened on me
will be the death of you
i am not merciful
i will kick when youre down
lets be clear
i want you gone
erased from history
out of the picture
i want to slander your name
be the reason youre afraid to go anywhere alone
i want to be the pit in your stomach
the nightmares that wake you up
this will end badly for you

i want to smash that stupid fucking face
destroy your sense of pride
rape and invade the very heart of you
right down to your core
you take from me
i take even more from you

you will never again appear
attractive to anyone
visibly scarred for life
and made to walk in shame
you think you were alone before?
now you'll be alone forever
dieing alone
with the memory of it all
that you pushed one step too far
and crossed one line that shouldnt
have been crossed
played with fire
got burnt bad

its your fault
you asked for it all
your actions result
in consequences
i will tear your world apart
piece by worthless little piece
its become my new hobby
this shit is fun for me
to see you in pain
to see you regret it Continue reading →

dont rush

dont rush into telling someone that you love them
even if you do
that is a hurtful word
and when the love fades
that word falls on your head
taking all of the life out of the room

its not something you bounce back from easily
it gives definition to the absence
it makes you look around the room
and feel how truly empty it is

love isnt enough
it doesnt keep the interest
it doesnt stop them from finding something better
it doesnt keep them around

it only hurts more when they leave
when they say goodbye
when they tell you they will keep in touch
and never do
when you only get to see them
for a couple hours of the day
when you know what they are doing
when they are not with you

they've found something better than you
and even though you still mean a lot to them
everyone only looks out for themselves Continue reading →

scared little child

sometimes youre such a cliche that its disappointing
you throw words around
saying what you think you should say
to counter the things you've said
that you used to think you were supposed to say
always doing and thinking exactly how you think youre supposed to
never really knowing who or what you are
and blaming the world for it
the world never gave a shit about any of us
youre just a scared little child
with daddy issues
and a smug sense of going against the grain
being controversial doesnt make you a legend
everybody can tell that you say it
but you dont mean it
you dont really feel it
and admitting that is a war you never want to face
so yea, youre just a thing to someone
im sorry youre not special
im sorry that you dont count
but the gums keep flapping
and you are still nothing but talk
with no traction and the word "go" Continue reading →

left behind

she left me with a suddenness like whiplash
i never expected to hurt like this
i never expected she of all people would do this to me
you look for where to place the fault
but people have to follow their pathetic hearts
cause thats the way we are wired

you resent the reasons
you resent the result
every way out shines bright as the sun
escape seems like the best idea
but you cant turn and run
cause theres nowhere to go
except gone for good

you think about the people
the ones that say they love you
and how you cant do that to them
you cant interrupt their happiness
to pine over shit like you
to miss your stupid face
and the way you lie to them

she jumped ship with speed and accuracy
too fast to believe it wasnt planned
i am left with the void
with the throb of her abscence
weighing in my heart
pulling down each day
making everything a little less fun

we used to dream together
we built fantasies the likes ive never seen
entire dream worlds
where we were happy forever
then she quit the team
she brought me out
into this world i would never have gotten to alone
i would never have wanted to go to alone
and then she left me here
the only reason for me being here Continue reading →

anger management problems

my rage is a well oiled machine
its chrome shines and its teeth are bared
there isnt a scratch on it
it is flawless and strong
and willing to take on any foe

my rage is in peak physical condition
it breaths fire and is fuel by your fears
it knows no boundaries
it doesnt get cold
it doesnt feel heat
it doesnt listen to reason
and you cannot tell it to stop

my rage is a bull with horns
protecting an otherwise fragile creature
all it sees is red
and it wants the damage to happen
it wants everything to come crashing down around it
and to burn even the ashes
it breaks bones
chews through wood
it doesnt recognize loved ones or friends
everyone is a target

i keep it in a cage
wrapped in chains
with a big fucking lock
and still it can break through
with ease
it taunts me through the bars
laughs at my weakness
it tells me i need it
that it has gotten me this far
and everything i have
i owe to my rage

its the only lesson ive ever been taught
that i didnt learn was bullshit
its the only thing there for me
when everything else has gone away
it is the greatest weapon ive ever held
and it works every time
like a drug to numb the pain
it gets the job done
and it makes everything go away Continue reading →

the truth isnt worth it

feeling dead inside again
the stomach pains, a reminder
never do this again
ive never been good at listening to reason

somewhere she cries into her pillow
and i wish i could make her feel even worse
to strap her down and let out every bitter word
snap her sense of self worth
and break down everything she ever built up

bastards act in such ways
cowards only dream of it
the person i should be blaming
wont look at me in the mirror

the wind blows cold against the house
and it makes my bones ache
i pull the shades as the sun is coming
up over the horizon
in this dark i can hate myself
and not have to worry about being caught

im tired of living the truth
when everyone wants the lie
nothing feels like home
when youre the only one to admit it
the days fade into each other
more and more people turn away
and you are left alone with the truth

you fought tooth and nail for it
and you hold it like a crown
on your throne of nothing
with no one around
and you have to live with the fact
that it wasnt fucking worth it Continue reading →

suckers and cowards

the good people are so busy keeping everything in order
you can see the anxiety in their eyes
watch the sweat drip down their back
they deflect the things they don't like about themselves
onto innocent people, just minding their own business
trying to get by

this world is full of suckers and assholes
and I'm forced to sift through the debris
to find anything at all to stop the pounding boredom

this is all i was left with
those before me used it all up
they judge without mercy
and place titles on peoples heads
who judges the judges
who watches the watchers
and who feeds off the suckers

everyone is so convinced they got it right
i dont buy it
I'm just not impressed with your ways
it looks like shit to me
so forgive me if i don't drop my jaw
im sorry you had all your hopes up for this
but i don't like it
and i will not lie to you about it
like you would lie to me

everyone just lies to each other
like it will fix itself
you're all suckers and cowards Continue reading →

the vagrant dead

every face i see is dead to me
just one more fool to drive it home
and everyday it becomes more certain
that i am surrounded on all sides by idiots

my contempt grow hourly
the days drag on, nothing is solved
and idiots inherit the earth

I'm a simple man, i just want what i deserve
and the brainless are running the show
their strength is in numbers
and the law is on their side
cause i would kill them all

i fight for nothing, my cause is empty
and every thought is suppressed
but i am ok with standing against the current
while the sheep flock to their judas
and i see them all fall of the fucking cliff

they call me anti-social, they call me agoraphobe
and that may be true
but those phobias are based on fear
and i do not feel afraid

i only feel anger and disgust for people
i see them lie to each others faces
i see the numbness in their eyes
it only solidifies my decision to never walk among them
to never count myself as one of many Continue reading →

suburban guilt

its a cold, empty feeling
when you have to make an effort not to end yourself
you take the pills, but the pills don't work
they only buy you time
time runs out eventually

and you hear the people
they tell you its not worth it
you know they are probably right
but it doesn't stop the urge

from a heart that's sick of beating
and a brain that's sick of thinking
and the world looks bleaker everyday
the people in your life who you hold most dear
don't seem to change your mind one bit

cause they may care about you, but they dont
have to live your life
they don't have to wake up to the cynicism you feel everyday
there's only so much you can do
to try to stoke the fire
to try to wake the content within you

but sometimes nothing does it
and there you are with the numbness sitting beside you
and following you around
i dont feel anything
i just want the boredom to end
hope is an instant, and gone just as quick
love is a lie we tell ourselves Continue reading →

kill yourself you miserable fuck

we dont need you
and everything is all your fault
the bruises disappear
skin always heals
but the mind never does

and i remember everything
i've been forced to eat my feelings
and swallow my emotions for as long as my memory goes back
like filling a balloon with too much air
all stretched out and ruptured

i spend every free moment now
trying to relax
trying to make up for lost time
on account of getting smacked in the face
for every little thing
the scars of child abuse
running parallel with my veins
while she gets to go on with her life
and block it all out of her mind

my mind doesn't work that way
every hit is branded in my memory
and i wake up to it everyday
but who gives a fuck how i feel
and what i wake up with on my psyche
every fucking day of my life Continue reading →

the way it goes

were not doing so good
and all the promises just keep
piling up on the dashboard

were collecting dust

the sky is less blue
the water doesnt feel the same
and the lonely beast is searing
up my spine yet again

we said forever, but we didn't mean it
nobody means it
you can burn a match and make a brilliant fire
but you cant hold on to embers
and fires all go out eventually
what goes up must come down
and nothing i do or say
will bring you back to me

we had a good run, kid
you were great
but it all turned out exactly
like i thought it would
and despite what you may think
i hate being right all the time

i have to remind myself
it isnt a fantasy
the birds don't really dance around us
and we are always just delaying
the inevitable end

i miss you so much it hurts
way down deep inside
but i've felt that before
and it will go away just like you
what an unfair reality
what a sad waste of time
so long, kid Continue reading →

im in the aftermath now
the indestructibility of childhood is gone
im left with this hardened, calloused shell
failing me at every turn
every fall makes your blood pressure spike
for fear that something is broken

old friends and family are gone forever
you watch yourself get older and fatter
all the pleasure gets sucked out of life
you're supposed to feel bad for things
that make you feel good
inside though, you dont

the world is a mess of adult emotions
and hurt egos
and i have no choice but to live in this
like a rat in a city junk yard
the world is lined with assholes
and something keeps feeding them more purpose

this is to all who have used and abandoned me
you did this to me
so the fault lies on you Continue reading →

blood relative

i wont pretend that i dont remember anymore
how could i forget
being made to feel pathetic, and told id be nothing without you
i grew into a man and tossed away everything you ever taught me
and the sky opened up
and i felt love for the first time in my goddamn life
the endless cycle, histories of abuse
but were not supposed to talk about it, are we?
this family was built on denial
and abuse is the mud between the bricks
i dont need you anymore
it ends where i end it
cause i am stronger than all of you
and i have the courage to say whats wrong
and stand, outcast, in the midst of all of you
your shame dies with you
i wont be around anymore
i wont be a part of this
i will not be a witness to the passing of the abusive torch
you are nothing to me
and i am better off without you
go live your lie
bury yourself in it
its blinding that way, isnt it?
you dont feel the guilt that way
a buried piece of shit is still a piece of shit
fuck all of you, every one of you
youre not dead to me
you never existed Continue reading →

not special

broke her leg chasing boys on the highway
cars were made to crash
visible bone, right through the skin
reach for the wheel, degenerate swine come calling for the next of kin
this is where we draw our lines
hung too tight to the words i say
well i feel sorry for you
hang on that
nothing can stop you, your beauty is invincible
just party harder, it'll set the bones stronger
ive got it bad for you
but that doesnt mean youre the only straw to grasp to
youre not the only noose tied around my neck
rubber tight around my arm
can you feel a vein
fill me with anything
youre not special, i do this to myself
youre no different from the rest of the scenery Continue reading →

our lord and saviour

they burn churches trying to smoke out a saviour
trying to make an illusion answer for its crimes
ive lost all patience for the fools of this world
what do we do when debunking the myth becomes an obsession
suddenly everything has lost its spark
all thats left is bitterness
and a love for shoving it in their faces
whatever gets you out of bed in the morning
but what do you do when it doesnt work anymore
when the flowers lose their scent
and my eyes wont see color
everything is just circling the drain
the only thing that changes is my apathy
ever increasing contempt
and the world keeps getting slower Continue reading →

hands will shake

cold and humble 

when you realize you're in too deep

kicking yourself for moving with your eyes closed again

this isn't the first and it wont be the last

when every face you see makes your throat close up

and your fists tighten

when tendons in your wrists scream that you've gone too far

but the pain makes it alright for just a second

bearable for only a breath

when you know your heart isn't supposed to beat like that

and your hands have never shaken like that before

but you hope that its finally over and the feeling means something more

Continue reading →

sometimes i cant go outside

it scares the hell out of me

and on those days, i fall apart

it dulls everything so nothing i do cures the boredom

its so frustrating

being miserable when their isnt anything wrong

what the fuck is someone like me

supposed to do with something like that

Continue reading →

square one

back at square one
and trying not to beat myself up about it
im learning a lot about myself these days
im learning about why i react to certain things like i do
it feels good to have a finger on where it all started
why its so easy for me to be negative
and hard to be positive
why compliments feel like a sucker punch in the stomach
and why life always seems a little less bright
but im on the right path
and thats as good as anything i've been able to say
for quite some time Continue reading →