littered fields

just one more night

is all i'll give it

before i cut this fucker out

this beating bullshit inside my chest

is driving me fucking insane

ive got a missing piece of skin

for every fucking stupid thing anyone has ever 

said to me

it wont get easier

it wont feel better in the end

we all just lie to ourselves

until it doesnt hurt

until we forget

or medicate the pain

too obsessive

and over compulsive

and always ready to beat myself up

I watch the stars

Rise above the Horizon

Taking you on

Like a tyrant against millions of humans

dead 

weight

Just one night I want to lie

Alone and not care

i cant move this,       

overwhelming,       

feeling of guilt,      

off of my chest

null and void

im not commited

to a  happy ending

throw the fucking fantasy away

we'll be coughing up our lungs

crying 

so hard for you

so lets have it over with

i guess a promise is a promise

me, im the sucker that sticks to his word

lets do this right

shouldnt have said it

if you didnt mean it

you can argue all you want

i can feel my blood pressure

boiling in my nerves

(you) latched on to me

like a cancer

like a fawn

broken leg

in the woods

wont get up and try

i refuse to be your crutch

make your peace with yourself

i cannot live my life

dragging yours

on my back

(its gonna be a hard year)

she cant shake the beauty 

off her face

cant make peace with 

the way

she

looks

overbearing

and unbridled

need to fix

everything at once

you cant

teach someone

how to thicken

their skin

how do i

organize 

this mess im involved in

syracuse music scene

im spitting venom in all your eyes

just hoping to get to one of you fuckers before these walls close in

this is over right now

whos calling the shots? i want them front and center

so i can swallow them whole

every face i see in the crowd is another piece of fucking scenery

just the usual local trash that sucks on the tit, trying to be a part of the glory

pathetic comes to mind

i wish i could weed this like a garden

only of my chosing, take the good and leave the bad to wither and dry in the sun

it looks like cancer, the way the black fills in the edges

and your stupid fucking eyes are always staring at me

looking like your wondering what im gonna do next 

so you can make your judgements and talk amongst your friends

your safety in numbers will only work for so long

cause cowards get theres in the end, and i have a long history of holding grudges

i have many scars, from many thorns in both my sides

and i can name every single one, with date, time, and occurrence.

im taking everything you love apart seam by seam

because you people have taken the love and the passion out of everything i ever had

this was the only thing keeping me from falling off

and you had to throw your bullshit around it, to make it your own

you had to exploit this one pink area of an otherwise grey town

dont come around me anymore

the exits signs are pointing at you

stay far away from me and the places i am

cause i will seep discomfort into every second you are around

im better at this than you will ever be

im smarter than you will ever get

im a better person, and i know how to weed through the bullshit

but you just jumped right in and bathed in it

just soaked up all the souless dribble out there, and tried to throw a glaze on it and give it a sticker of approval

even shit looks good incased in glass

any good lighting can make a good photograph of an otherwise dull scene

this is it, and i cant take it anymore

you are all fucking dead to me, in every way possible

i quit. im done with your antics, im done ignoring the cheap shots

your all a bunch of lame little bitches who discovered something elite to be a part of 

so you could have something above everyone else that "didnt belong"

because never in your life have you ever belonged

but now that you have something to call your own, with people who bloat and stroke your ego

you take that shit you felt and turn it on the same people your supposed to be in this with

check your ego at the door

where popping balloon heads in this establishment

your actions will not be tolerated anymore

you pissy pants little chip on your shoulder is tired and old

and its time to do something about feeling better about yourself

or fucking kill yourself

cause no one is going to care either way

no one gives a fuck about your opinion

they just want to hear you shut up about it and stop being hostile around them

im calling every one of you out

talk your shit

get it out while you can

cause im going to make you regret every word you ever said

we layed these bricks with our tears and our pain

and you just waltz inside like you've earned a fucking say

cause you wear the outfit and you know the words the all the songs

fuck you

your a usurper

youre the kind of people we've been trying to fight off our entire lives

youre a wolf in sheeps clothing

respect is earned by honest people to honest people

and you have no fucking heart

youre completely transparent and you are not wanted here anymore

seasonally affective

you would think by now

at 25

i would overcome

all the whining

quick to medicate but

im not getting better

if i could have one thing that i ask for

it would be to never have to feel like this again

years wasted believeing, oh the world is so deceiving

i just want to feel some peace before it ends

but life is so precious

yea fucking right

were kings of the trash heap

but we dress it up in a disguise

should not have to pull the fucking trigger

or walk through this life dragging anchors

i will leave you with nothing, all on your own

i dare you to try to find the point in this

i dare you to try to find the point in this

you would think by now

at 25

i would overcome

all the whining

quick to medicate but

im not getting better

if i could have one thing that i ask for

it would be to never have to feel like this again

years wasted believeing, oh the world is so deceiving

i just want to feel some peace before it ends

the truth isnt worth it

feeling dead inside again

the stomach pains, a reminder

never do this again

ive never been good at listening to reason

somewhere she cries into her pillow

and i wish i could make her feel even worse

to strap her down and let out every bitter word

snap her sense of self worth

and break down everything she ever built up

bastards act in such ways

cowards only dream of it

the person i should be blaming

wont look at me in the mirror

the wind blows cold against the house

and it makes my bones ache

i pull the shades as the sun is coming

up over the horizon

in this dark i can hate myself

and not have to worry about being caught

im tired of living the truth

when everyone wants the lie

nothing feels like home

when youre the only one to admit it

the days fade into each other

more and more people turn away

and you are left alone with the truth

you fought tooth and nail for it

and you hold it like a crown

on your throne of nothing

with no one around

and you have to live with the fact

that it wasnt fucking worth it

a moat of fools

i reject

i resent

all of you people will never make sense to me

all of you people will never be friends to me

you take and you take and you give back in small doses

like giving back rain drops when owing me oceans

trying to make me feel bad that i feel this way

trying to talk down your portion of my slow decay

look at the stress cracks, look what you helped destroy

but its easy when you can walk away with your fixed toys

the things i can do are a curse and a burden

so i attack and i yell, and all of you deserve it

like holding my head underwater with regret on your face

cause someone has to take it so we all can be saved

small man, big whine

fuck you, small man

big shots take small pot shots 

and end up right back where they started

you don't have what it takes

and you need to throw your insults

to try to ease your heart

but nothing is going to phase me

and we all have your number

we all see right through you

and we can all see the damaged child

that you are trying to make us believe is a man

i've dealt with your abuse

and your aggression for years

hoping you'd come around someday

but we're only getting older

and you are only getting worse

i wash my hands of you

i am the better man of the two of us

and you will never cut me down

i can take everything you're throwing

and i will never be the one underneath

i am smart, capable, and better in all the ways

that you are not

our days are coming to an end

and you only have yourself to blame

i don't need you anymore

you've attacked my character twice

you will not get a third

you will die alone

from heart failure

in a room, alone

surrounded by your own filth

with yourself to blame

you were a terrible friend

and you were terrible to the people who loved you

i have given you enough chances

and i have my final answer

i've made my decision

i don't have time for 30 year old children

throwing temper tantrums

grow up, buck up

get your head out of your ass

i have no more use for you in my life

my presence is a privilege

you just lost that

sucker

people are poison

i've been being poisoned for way too long

kept sick by people i trusted

to use me for my talents

and keep their lives enriched

while i slowly die

the sleeper has woken up

and you are all fucked

the people you trust

the ones closest to you

that you have known for the longest

and sometimes felt like you wore each others skin

will sometimes show their true colors

and be someone that is detrimental to your health

and slowly destroying you

i am a smart and capable man

i can make it rain

and the fools of this world

have strength in numbers

and have kept me down

im cutting all of you out of me

one by one

and i don't care who i hurt

cause no one cared when it hurt me

time for everyone to wear their own big boy pants

and stay the fuck out of mine

i wont help you any longer

you get what you put in

and there is no longer a well to take from

your free resources are dried up

and you only have yourselves to blame

so forgive me if i roll my eyes

at your lame attempts to chastise me

at your desperate grasping at straws

to keep me down

and make me stay

now the guilt is on you

and you have to live with yourself

and the mess you made

welcome to real life

you don't get to treat people this way

and not expect consequences

we are all slowly figuring you out

and man what a disappointment you turned out to be

i will leave you with nothing

you're all on your own

coward

spinning clay

its spinning out of control

like clay on a pottery wheel

trying to hold on

to get it to center

but it just wont do it

its going to fast

and boom

splatter all over the place

this is the way the world works

it can't be contained anymore

the bands are holding

we are all sick

we are all tired

and we are all ready to kill

tensions are high

no one wants any peace anymore

we just want revenge and death

i have balanced my light and my dark

i can love you one second and smash you the next

all it takes is a thought

i am at peak condition and i am ready to grind

i will take the world

one stupid idiot at a time

and spit shine those motherfuckers

through all their belly aching and crying

i will neutralize my aggression through help

i will help the weak, the tired, the desperate

i will take them in, give them shelter

get them back on their feet

and i will use my rage and my anger

as fuel for my heart

to heal the wounded

it burns like shit

and it makes for shitty fuel

but it will do

and it will get rid of it

i will burn out

i will falter

i will fall out of practice

i'll fuck up

then i'll get back up

and go have a sandwich

calm one second

fury the next

balance

all on a tiny pin

and i am mastering it

the only way

is through

and to never stop

i wont stop

because i can't

i will know when i have arrived

i don't need excuses

i don't need questioning

i will break all your hang ups

i will destroy your ego

and in the end you will thank me

through a mouthful of blood

and eyes streaked with tears

i will brute force attack your inconstancies

and i will ring them out of you

put you back on your feet

and let you go off to get it right this time

clean the slate

remove the guilt

we are not condemned

now do it again

now do it right

everything is fair game

i let you in to hurt myself

i let you in to set the bone

i let you in to thicken my skin

to thicken these walls

to justify this isolation

and i wish i could say

that it was wrong

that my crooked ways are bad

but i prove it to myself every time

you prove yourselves every time

i let it burn to prove myself

i let it ache to teach a lesson

i let it cut right to the bone

so you can see why im alone

and i'll be that way for my whole life

cause i have looked high and low

i even stopped to let it come to me

and i had to turn away, or walk away

from every one that tried their luck

10 steps ahead and first to the end

prophecy or just good memory

it all looks just as painful in the end

you get so tired of being right

having the same arguments 

that you've already won a thousand time before

and i hate when they apologize

i hate when they tell me they didn't know

when they should have said they were being careless

and they didn't care to take my well being into consideration

and they knew it all along

im holding my guts back in with my own two hands

and you're staring at what you've done

im just looking for something to hold this together

so i can get up again and walk away again

and they always ask me why i stay alone

why night after night i am at home

in my bed with the doors closed

and trying not to hate

trying not to give in to all the rage

they ask me why theres scars on my hands

why there are holes in the walls

and pain in my eyes

why i flinch from the effecting

why i get angry at your attempts

you people are damaging

and i am the damaged one

and they wonder why i sputter

why i arch and burst at the joint

why i shock and jolt at the heart

why i feel it necessary to make sure they know

that they have been through a fight with me

i keep you out to heal myself

i keep you out to destroy the need

i keep you out to ascend beyond it

so i don't need it anymore

so i don't want it anymore

till the nerves die off

and the heart forgets what it even means

so now lying pair of eyes will ever turn their lies on me

ever again

i keep you out cause im afraid that next time i wont stop

i keep you out cause i enjoy the thoughts of hurting you

a little too much

i keep you out because you are careless

and that isn't an excuse enough for me

to spare you the attack that i am constantly holding back

i will forever bite back

i will forever have revenge

i will never question the things i do to you

if i feel you have burned me

and i will go that extra mile

i will go further than you ever imagined

you will see a side of me 

that makes you involuntarily lose control of your bladder

that makes your muscles taught

that makes the fear pull back your scalp

and tighten the muscles in your face

i will show you a side of me

that does not think to break your skin

that does not think in terms of lines

and going to far

a side that would bury your corpse

in a secret place they will never find you

they will never find the blood on my hands

i scare myself intensely 

cause i know the depths to which i can sink

i can go from loving you and considering you

an assets to my life

to flipping a switch in my brain

and suddenly seeing you as nothing but scenery

nothing but ants in an ant hill

for me to obliterate out of boredom

out of ignorant darkness

out of a bleak lack of caring

i am fully capable of taking a life

i am fully capable of sparing a life

though scarred so that no one will ever see them

as desirable again

speak soft around me

and have your guard up

cause you have done me wrong

and now everything is fair game

there are no fouls, no below the belts

this is blood for blood

and i have mastered this

you will regret this

and i will make you admit it to my face

if it takes me all that i have in me

i will make you beg and scream for mercy

and i will always reply, "no."

own it and mean it

i own my flesh 

it does not tell me what it wants

you got it all wrong

there is no shame in natural reaction

its not fair to teach us how to feel good

and tell us to feel bad 

all those years and you still dont have it figured out

wrong direction

look the other way

keep your head down

im shifiting through letters, pieces of paper

trying to find something good to remember

shes singing the songs that are putting nightmares in my dreams

if this is it, im not saying goodbye

its not what you deserve

im gonna cash my rain check and take selfishness this time

im trying not to hate you

like you tried not to care

your good at patching things up

but not this time

as much as i want to im not letting you in

you have to go

keep your head down

so the rain wont get in your face

walk on alone

i never trust a man in a suit

goddamn youre a big shot

chopping razor blades into pieces of candy to give out on halloween

and i dont give a fuck about your 9 to 5 job

cause to me your the victim

youre the one stuck in one place for the rest of your life

it looks so good and it looks so real 

and shes the most amazing thing that i have ever seen

and it sits inside my swollen head

and it makes me obsess and desire for her

every curve and light blessed body part

every shine of god touched skin

makes every nerve scream at my mind

and my eyes twitch at the sight of it all

i feel weak in my knees

and my heart is feeling faint

i think my eyes are shedding tears faster than

i can even think

but i think i would rather remove my own heart

then to feel the things i feel for her

cause i know where it goes, and know how i feel

and i know that i'll regret every last kiss

i'll be that much more dead by the time she is gone

and no ring, and no praise will keep her here

nothing i can ever say or do

will make any sense of anything that happens between a man

and a woman

i want nothing to do with any of it

liars are all responsible for this

i was lied to when i was told love is a beautiful thing

i was lied to when i was told i was loved

all i ever hear is lies

i have been lied to

and i refuse to get lost in her eyes again

i dont want to feel my heart 

this the bullshit lies that i have tried to shove in everyones fucking pathetic face for as long as i can remember

no i see it for what it is

and fuck you for every saying you love me

fuck you

hung my head

i hung my head before

never felt that low

she was everything, i understand that phrase now

im dying for another taste of anything that resembles it now

im stuck on being proud

of what im not sure

i used to watch her sleep

i used to wake up to take her for granted

that uncomfortable smile she wore

always wishing she could read my thoughts

i should have told her my thoughts

if only she could be a little better

i would have been a little better

its a strange new feeling

ive never not had my feet on the ground before

and all of a sudden this girl has me floating on air

i never learned to handle it

i watched her walk away

i told her to go away

there were too many things to turn me away

to many facts in the way

the way she always had to be perfectly comfortable

and that comfort never included me

always pushed to the edge of the bed

it wouldnt work out

i wanted to fix it so much

like my life depended on it

i couldnt make it work

i couldnt make it real

its the fastest ive ever seen anything fall apart

we couldnt get on the same wavelength

she just went hard one way

and i was still there in the center

she might as well not have talked

cause i couldnt hear her

the emotion turned blue to grey

my feelings turned to heartache

all i ever felt anymore was a knot in my stomach

and an inadequate feeling

im not worthy of someone to live for

were breaking up, were breaking down

im left broken

geneva

i need a minute

things are getting so tense

i shake the nerves

my bodys spilling over

were all alone

the distance now is miles away

i guess we did it this time

im not sure of what to say

i just close my eyes

and walk away

its all i can do now

is hurt this way

im feeling so left out

from everything

and theres no time to say

we didnt mean it

your voice is breaking

the phone is dead again

and snow keeps falling

just to remind me theres no where to go

i keep on trying

to look for another way

but for people like you and me

its always gonna be the same

i just close my eyes

and wipe it all away

its all i have to do now

is remember how to hurt this way

im not feeling anything

im kinda numb to the touch

and theres no more time to say

i miss you so much

bitter cold, inside and outside

she broke down in front of me

i was just there

in the wrong time at an uncomfortable place

and i couldnt console her

cause im the reason for the mess

im the cause of this distress

and she wont get off the floor

we fucked it up

we deserve nothing...ever

the feeling in my gut is never going away

i couldnt tell you what happened to it all

for me it seemed like so much more

i blame myself too much

i shut my eyes and saw her face

the wide eyes and uncomfortable smile

im done in once again

i dont even want to attempt this anymore

i want to pack all my things

and head for warmer temperatures

cause its better than feeling cold inside

and living with the cold outside

old news repeating itself

everything is being ripped away from me

and i deserve better, more than most

i dont smoke, i dont drink, i dont hit, i dont cheat

so when the fuck do i finally get what i am owed

every attempt ive made

ends in heartache

and the hole just keeps getting deeper everyday

i will hurt you and im sorry

go, girl

away from me

go while you can

i will destroy you

i am malignant

abusive and poison

i will infect and misdirect

i will get in there

i'll leave scars

there's only so far

im willing to go

and i will run

i will push you away

i will find an excuse

to cut you away

don't get close

danger, keep away

i am so harmful

i scare myself

i don't trust myself around you

there is no limit

to the depths i will sink

and i'll drag you down

just because i can

i am a broken thing

breaking things

i would dry out oceans

to make myself feel better

i would cause extinction

just to sleep at night

i will go through every last one of you

just to calm the throbbing in my chest

don't get caught

see me for what i am

an exposed nerve

and live wire

a sweating stick of dynamite

a sweet looking animal

that will devour you whole

i was born

with a thorn in my side

kicking and screaming

cold and unwanted

and abandoned at every turn

you can't save me

you can't help me

i will only mix you up

i will be cruel

i'll get a little scared

and my fear will turn on you

you are not safe here with me

i have been discontinued

i am the defect

that got past the security check

i am a tumor

feeding and killing

you're nice

you want to help

you want to make a difference

i only want to harm you

to be able to sleep at night

i only want to hurt you

to be able to justify my pain

i will say the worst things i can think of

i will attack unprovoked

and for once

im trying to do you a favor

go look somewhere else

this thing is staying the junk yard

this is not for sale

this cannot be dusted off, buffed, repaired

i don't just need a new part

i am a heap of rusting metal

in the back of the yard

decaying

just like im supposed to

Journal Entry - Thursday October 20th, Clay Court Apartments. My birthday

  Today i turned 29 years old, and all i could think of was my 20's were shit. I got dumped on more in that period of my life than i have ever had up to this point. I had a girl toy with my emotions, just walking around starting little fires that i had to run around and put out and she didn't even realize she was doing it. So i had to cut her out of my life like a fucking cancerous tumor.
  Tonight i talked to my ex girlfriend, the first girl to ever break my heart, and she made me feel better about this latest endeavor, weird. Life's a fucking trip, aint it? She's going to email me a list of things she needs from me so that she can help me get on some insurance programs so that i can go see a psychiatrist. Honestly, i need it. I'm in way over my head and anything at this point is better than what I got so far.
  Last night I had a nuclear meltdown of catastrophic proportions, alone in my room, in the a.m. hours of night. I started texting anyone that could possibly be up and thankfully someone was and talked me down a little. I might have actually killed myself if i couldn't get ahold of anyone. I think i ate a whole value pack of pop tarts in one sitting. I couldn't sleep so i was just awake and listening to slipknot's entire catalogue on repeat. They may not be everyones first choice but that man's lyrics cut me right to the bone.
  I let her do it. I let her get to me and I knew it the whole time, I watched it like a deer in headlights, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I'm too smart for people, and I am always 10 steps ahead of everyone else, but I can't ever change things. I can't steer them away from where they are going. All I can do is watch it happen and fall on my head. Now I have an even bigger missing chunk of flesh to deal with and a sour stomach that wont quit, and I have to pick my head up and get back to work.
  In a year I will move out of this city and never look back, hopefully. I am swimming in a sea of whores and little girls with daddy issues who play games with the hearts of decent men. I am a great fucking person who gets destroyed by selfishness and I keep letting it happen to myself. I am not capable of having a relationship right now because I am very damaged, and damaging. I need to streer clear of that shit for a long time. I need to keep my head focused and stay centered. My problem is I'm on 10 at all times, I'm like a freight train going down the line and when I derail thats a lot of shit flying in every direction for long distances.
  I gotta take better care of myself. I forget that because my body is big and can handle  a lot of shit. I can take a lot of crap, but i pile it on top of me and get myself in trouble. I need to start realizing where the lines are and to not even get close enough to reach them. I fucked up bad this time, lesson learned I guess, thats one hell of a scar. Lets hope I calm down some in my thirties. I need to be less intense. It's gonna give me a heart attack and more mental illness. Alright, back on the path. Get up old man, fucking shake it off. What the fuck are all of you looking at?

Journal Entry - Sun. October 16th. 4 am. Clay Court Apartments

  A year ago I was miserable and floating along. Now I’m stronger, I have money, I have freedom, I have time. A year ago I was struggling with a mother who couldn’t get past her hang-up's to actually be a mother to me.

  I remember going over there to talk about “the van”. She had co-signed to help me get a van from the dealership her husband worked at. When he’s at work, boy does he plaster on that fake smile. He wears it like a badge of honor. He’s proud of living a lie cause he’s a vacant shell of a man. He has no skills, no interests, nothing to show for his time on this earth except two kids who he barely knows. They call him dad but he’s kinda just that dumb guy that they have to deal with every once in a while.

  So after my episode where I had a flash back and them yelling at my niece triggered my post traumatic stress disorder and I freaked out, well she didn’t want me in her house anymore. I went up to the door feeling really uncomfortable and gave it a hearty knock. I waited but there was no answer. I rang the doorbell, but there was no answer. I see her car in the driveway, so that tells me that she’s home. I ring the doorbell again. I knock on the door again. I knock harder this time. I keep knocking. She’s in there but she likes to play her games. I know enough about her to know that repetitive sounds drive her nuts so I knock at the exact pressure, and the exact time every time for a straight two minutes before I hear her yell, “Go Away.” So I yell through the door that we have to talk about the van. She is pacing up and down the stairs at this point yelling through the door. I can hear from her voice that she is manic and in frenzy. I am trying to remain calm, I am used to this. This is typical of what its been like growing up around her and being her son. Constantly dealing with insanity like this, where your mother, who is supposed to be the adult, acts like a child.

  So I tell her that the van got hit, and I heard they sent a check to her. There’s a pause and I hear “So.” I tell her that I don’t care about the money and she says “Oh, Yea Right!” like a child. Money is everything to my mother and because of that it has never meant much to me. I have seen it consume and devour her and I never want to have an obsession like that ever.

  I know that eventually she has to come out of her house because I know that she comes home from work for her breaks, and she has to go back to work. I know that she is late for work already, but she wont come out. Eventually the garage door starts to open. She usually comes out by the garage and closes it in her car on the way out. I am leaning against her car. I try to neutralize the situation by saying, “Come on. I knew you had to go back to work soon, why didn’t you just come out.” She is frazzled and she does not want to talk. She’s like a pissed off cat backed into a corner. I have done nothing to provoke this kind of response. She does this to herself. She gets herself worked up like this. I have been pretty calm at this point. She walks towards the car and tells me to get out of the way cause she has to go back to work cause she has a job. She says it to hurt me cause at the time I did not have a job and was on unemployment. I tell her we need to talk about this, and she is still pissed and tries to go around me. She reaches for her car door handle but I am leaning against the door and she cannot lift me off. She is small and weak and her anger does nothing because she doesn’t have any physical power to back it up with. I am still perfectly calm. She digs in her purse and pulls out her phone. I grab her hand and the phone and say “I will break that goddamn phone.” She violently pulls her arm back and at this point she’s crying. I have done nothing to make her cry. I haven’t yelled at her, I haven’t hit her, I haven’t made any sort of motion to hint that I am there for trouble but she is in hyper defensive mode. She realizes that she has nowhere to go and can’t best me so she stops for a second and looks at me and screams “WHAT DO YOU WANT. LEAVE ME ALONE!”, I will remind you at this point that this is my mother. She comes around the other side of her car, again trying to avoid the situation but she still cannot get into her car cause I wont let her. I am determined to talk to her. She is frustrated so she starts screaming “Help!” like a rape victim or something. Screaming so that neighbors or anybody can hear her, so I lose my cool and I run and grab her and pull her into the garage. She puts up a fight but she has no defense. I am so much stronger than her. It’s funny that she used to hit me, and now I am stronger than her and she is in a vulnerable place and I still have never hit her, and am still very gentle with her.

  So I pull her into the garage and set her right and I let her go. She’s crying. I tell her to stop acting like a child. At this point I get emotional too because this is my fucking mother that I have to treat like this. This is my mother that I have to fight with to get any sort of response from her.

  I break down and I tell her everything I’ve ever wanted to say. How we never talked about it. We never talked about all the bullshit she did to me when I was a kid and that now I am a man with so much anger built up inside me because she hit me when I was growing up. I tell her that we have never once even talked about it and it eats me alive. I tell her that I have nightmare where she is coming at me and I wake up out of them swinging my fists. I tell her that when she denies the fact that it happen, she denies that my pain is real. I take her face in my hands gently, and she cringes and says “ow” through her tears. I have not hurt her at all. I am trying to connect with my mother. I am trying to get through to her and she says ‘ow’ to her sons touch. I tell her that I love her and I need her but she did some really shitty things to me that fucked me up and we need to address those things, and she says she knows and she takes responsibility for that. At the time I just let her talk, but later I thought about it and I can’t really recall how the hell she ever took responsibility at all for it. This is the only time I ever broke down all her walls and she was honest with me for a second. I was 27 years old standing in the garage of the house I grew up in, crying, with my mothers head in my hands, and I felt like I was going to piss my pants I was so scared. The woman I saw before me was a damaged little girl who never grew up. She never got her head out of the clouds and never stopped playing her childish games. The woman I saw in front of me was way more damaged than anyone had ever seen, and at that moment I realized that there was nothing that could ever be done. She and I would never have a relationship because she isn’t really even there. They were never there for me. This woman didn’t have what it takes in her to be a good mother to her children. She had nothing left to offer me. She never had anything to offer me in the first place. The only thing I got from her were wounds and psychological trauma. Now I am in recovery from post traumatic stress disorder. I haven’t spoken to my mother in almost 2 years. Every holiday that goes by I think about her, every birthday that goes by I think about her. She doesn’t try to contact me. I have seen her in the grocery store and she will turn her back and walk away fast. My mother wants nothing to do with me, and I did nothing to deserve this. I was beaten on and hurt by her my entire life. She abused me and molded me into this lump of sadness and anger, and in spite of it all I came out a good person. I came out a peaceful person who is surrounded by loving people who care about me and actually want me around. People who think that my presence is a privilege and smile when I enter a room.

  That woman gave birth to me, but mother is just a word. Father is just a word. I have never felt meaning behind these worlds like you might, and I have to wake up every morning and live with that. I have to move on and live my life with that in the back of my head, knowing that I have never had any sort of support from any of the people who were supposed to be there for me. So when anyone ever has a problem with how quick I am to anger, or how stubborn and strict I can be about doing the right thing and showing appreciation and giving credit where credit is due, well this is why. I never knew real love until I was near the end of my twenties and I survive that horrific, cold, lonely life with scars, but I am still here. I am rebuilding, and relearning and most importantly, unlearning that bullshit they taught me. So when someone wants to know why I may be a little sad or grumpy sometimes, or a little too intense for them, well I thought I’d write a bit of it down for you, so you can glimpse a sliver of the reason why I am the way that I am.

almost 30

one day you wake up

and your almost 30 with nowhere to go

this is the life they don't tell you about

i watched a huge body

grow up and around a small soul

a large frame in the blue prints

everything went according to plan

but the essence still feels small

still feels weak and incapable

still feels like its flaws are sputtering out of control

i don't know where the road is going from here

and i don't care

cause everything has so much weight to it

and going even two steps at all is an accomplishment in itself

so i'm gonna stay where i am

and smell the flowers around me

and watch the fools around me

wander around aimlessly 

and wonder why they feel so burned out all the time

small comforts

You have to start taking small comforts in big gulps. 

This is how it is, but just for now. 

This is temporary. This is a means to end

journal entry

i'll float around for a bit if i have to, but only long enough to run around frantically and figure out what im doing and get some sort of control over things. i will not let this bury me. its depressing the hell out of me and thats already more than i should take. i need to get some sort of foundation again and work from there. i will not be defeated. i will find a rung to climb and surpass all you fucks, cause thats what i do and thats what im good at. and when im at the top i will piss on all of you who tried to burn me, and tried to bury me. this is not over. i just need to mend my wounds and i'll be back to cut you down.

dont let them in

stop it

stop feeling that way about her

kill it

let these feelings die

they are valueless

they will never get you anywhere

this is not how we live anymore

we are fine being alone

there is no comfort in the presence of others

do not let your heart flutter

do not enjoy the endorphin rush

learn to fear it

learn to run from it

stay alone

fortified like a cage

never willing to let them in