step one : admitting the problem

  lets make one thing perfectly clear. i don't understand people, especially the ones closest to me. i don't understand their logic, and it frustrates me to no end to see them behave like idiots when i know they are perfectly capable of being better. 

  the information has never been more readily available in this world yet people are still arrogant, ignorant, and stupid. no one seems to want to do the work and actually figure out anything for themselves. no one has any pride in achieving anything or accomplishing a goal. everyone is just floating along like a robots running into walls with vacant expressions. i have never been more confused and more disgusted in the things i see on a daily basis and it just makes me feel more separated and i yearn for increased isolation from these people. the fact that we have a common bond in species is enough to sicken me. i don't feel any sort of kinship to these people or any sort of pity. its only disgust and anger, and most nights it keeps me awake knowing that they are just outside the door, shooting or raping each other and licking the blood off the knife. 

  some would say that i choose to look at only the negative. i disagree, and i think the correct answer is i choose to not lie to myself or anyone else. i choose to not pull the veil over my eyes and tell everyone that everything is ok. i see what i see, and i call it like i see it. it's right in front of everyones eyes and no one wants to acknowledge it because the first step is admitting there is a problem. the first step, so they say, is the hardest step. i think the entire world has a problem with denial. your apathy and "turn the other cheek" attitude wont save the world any more than my negative outlook, so i don't feel that your ways are any better than mine, and have not gotten any better results than mine, so spare me that cop out of an excuse. 

  i live among liars and cheaters. cowards that can't consider life worth living if they have to admit all the horror and sadness that is reality in this world. i am not the fool here, my views are backed by evidence. you need only look out your front door or windows and see the truth. i don't regard my pessimistic view as one perspective of the world, i regard it as the world itself. 

  i can't see anything worse or cheap as living a life only trying to focus on the "good things". thats denial, and rationalization, and to me that is the weakest most petty thing you could possibly do as a human being and a creature of this world. that behavior will only perpetuate suffering and will only make the trauma that much worse when it all finally falls on your head, and believe me, it will. 

  what i see is conspiracy on a global scale. a mass conspiracy of liars holding up each others lies and perpetuating the lie so that everyone can walk through the wreckage and smile a fake smile in the face of the starving child begging for a hand out. my view of the world can be summed up into one little short story of the happy-go-lucky person walking the streets and ignoring the homeless and suffering that are right in front of their eyes. looking up at the clouds so they don't have to see the bleeding, dying, unhappy fellow humans begging for their help or for it to all be over. out of sight, out of mind as they say. the motto of betrayal, the motto of the happy. happiness is a false front. its a lie. it's an unattainable goal, and anyone that tells me they have achieved it, well then i will show you a charlatan, a liar. happiness is lying to yourself. happiness is the conspiracy. i will never buy into this lie. what goes up must come down, and those who buy in eventually sell out. this is written into our history and reproves itself time and again. 

  i do not believe you cowards, and i would rather die than be anything that resembles you fools.

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You cunt

So you're back
Planting new evidence
And starting new fires for everyone to run around and put out
Don't look at me that way
With those big come hither eyes
You are not welcome inside of my bubble
My circle of friends walks on egg shells around your kind
You are cancer with pretty skin
This means nothing
This changes nothing
Ive got my eye on you Continue reading →

Walking into a therapists office is always a strange thing because your misery is a very private and personal thing and suddenly you are in an office with other people and you can't help but wonder what they are there for. Of course, for common reasons, but usually these people don't look any different than anyone else and you have to wonder what kind of darkness they are hiding. You can feel a certain sizing each other up vibe. It's weird how everyone is just sitting around each other. It's probably the biggest grouping of damaged people that are gathered which is not characteristic of damaged people. We tend to stick to ourselves and never really meet in groups. I always feel awkward, wondering what people think about me.  Continue reading →

sex as conquest

i have never had much of an interest in sex. it just isn't and has never been an important part of my life. its also probably why women have never been an important part of my life, and i've only had 2 girl friends in my entire 29 years. 

women literally can't stand when you don't want to fuck them, or find them desirable. they just don't know what to do because then they have no power over you. i have never seen a girl more frustrated or pissed off than i have when their advances aren't working on me. i've thrown girls out of my house, i've kicked girls out of my van on tour. i've even pulled my face away from girls trying to kiss me, even just on the cheek. 

if i don't know you, i don't trust you, and i certainly have no interest in intimacy of any kind with you. i've had girls chase me for years just trying to get my attention. honestly, i feel bad sometimes, but i'm not a fucking test, and i have no use for people who are only interested in conquering me because of some image of me being some kind of test. 

my first girlfriend chased me for two years in high school, and when i finally cracked because i felt like i had to, she even admitted to me that she was obsessed with me because i didn't pay attention to her and i was "such a mystery". she had to find out, she had to keep after me, even when i spurned her advances so hard that it made her feel like shit about herself.

she used to sit next to me in art class, not my choice, and she would try to get me to talk to her which usually ended in me rolling my eyes or just ignoring her completely. once she put her head on my shoulder, and i shrugged her off. i was pissed so i looked at her like i was wanted to punch her and i said angrily, "what the fuck are you doing?" to which she sighed and said "fuck you." like i was the one who did something wrong. so i said, "whatever, don't just fucking put your head on my shoulder. what the fuck is wrong with you?" she didn't talk to me for the rest of class, but a few days later she was back at it. 

that relationship ended in misery. i dated her for a long time. i actually dated her twice. the first time i didn't have sex with her. we dated for like a year and i didn't have sex with her cause i was a virgin at the time, she was definitely a pro at this point, and i was not ready. i just didn't care. this was a huge subject of repeated fights and arguments. she hated it. she felt gross and ugly and she felt like i didn't find her attractive, which was hard for her cause she was one of the "hot" girls in school and every guy wanted her. what an attack to her ego, but who the fuck cares how i felt, or what i was ready for. it was the most selfish exchanges i have had with a female, not many others compare, but a few do. 

im sorry ladies, but i don't want to fuck you. my dick does not control my life and showing a little more skin or flashing your eyes is not going to let you control me. a lot of people think this is sad and that my existence is miserable and dark. as a matter of fact its pretty peaceful. im not controlled by stupid fucking hormones and i stay out of trouble that can come from involvement with "pussy". 

sex as conquest is sad and boring to me. i abstain and i have contempt for most of you weak, pathetic fools. 

Continue reading →

God and the Devil, fucking

i'll go down to the crossroads to slap the devil in his face for putting us in the middle of a cock measuring contest between him and God. we're stuck in the middle cause those two can't get along and harmony is forever broken. you selfish fucking assholes, get a hobby. one is right, ones wrong, who gives a shit, its ancient history and it doesn't even matter anymore. kiss and make up and get a room while your at it cause it looks like you two just want to fuck and get it over with. 

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and i quote....months from now, or maybe even years. he's gonna be drunk somewhere telling someone "i fucked that up, badly!" this time though, its not gonna be me listening to his drunken stupor. it's gonna be someone else that he tells his sad little tales to while he stays afraid of everything and drinks his stupid pathetic life away. he doesn't have the balls to actually do something unless he's riding someone else's coat tails. this why he has no sober friends anymore, cause you can't lie to sober people and expect them to forgive you every time. he surrounds himself with drunks and junkies cause there he can be a piece of shit and sit in his filth and do nothing cause he's oh so sad. grow a pair of nuts and maybe try to at least do something with your life dude. you're almost thirty and you havent done shit, but this kid has the guts to tell me that i'm being an ass? look in the mirror, prick. you are a fuck up, and you will be a fuck up for the rest of your life because its a habit that you cant break. you will never break it, ever. you will continue this cycle of bullshit because secretly you love it, it keeps you down, keeps you sad, keeps you different. you love to be different. oh so different. thats only what you tell yourself though cause you lie to yourself. you know better than i do that you're not different, you're just a sad brain that doesnt want to do anything, has all the talent and capabilities in the world, has had all the chances in the world thrown at him, and he was just too fucking lazy to maybe pick one up and pull himself out of the mess, but no. No, just sit in the mess cause it's your home and its right where you belong. way ta go, now you've really hit bottom. when the liquor and the drugs are gone those friends are gonna send you packing and you are just gonna miss us, but you tried to have your cake and eat it too. see you on the other side, through the bars, looking in you fucking waste of time. you have yourself to blame. no, im not perfect either. im flawed and scarred just the same. what makes me different, is i do what i say im gonna do. i set goals and accomplish them. i may be fucked up but i put my money where my mouth is and do everything i set out to do. you, all you do is talk. you've always been and always will be, ALL  TALK. thats you in a nutshell. you talk a great game, but when it comes to action, theres nothing to back you, theres no force in your punches. big mouth, thats all you are, and this is coming from another big mouth, but i talk because i have something to say and the means to back it up. you, you just like to hear yourself talk. you're a fool, and you're just too lazy to give a shit so you just want to rot away. well fuck you, im not gonna sit around and watch you do it. fuck you and everything you ever fucking said to me you spineless coward. have fun driving drunk, this time im not gonna rescue you. hows that ankle? stings dont it? still not enough of a reminder for you to change it up, nope, you're still gonna drink, cause thats what fuck ups do. have a nice life kid, you aint worth it. Continue reading →

if all the people in the world who wanted to die were just let alone to die at their will then the world would be a much happier less populated place. you should have the right to die. its absurd that we don't have that.

i have avoided the world. im almost thirty and i've definitely avoided the entire world. i've become something else. people go out and do things and they are in touch with whats happening now, whats up with the world, while i remain here and isolated among my things, taking in vast information and learning in leaps and bounds. i read books, i write songs. i have surpassed all of my peers. what a lonely existence this is. i didn't do it out of smugness, i didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. i just couldn't relate to anyone. everyone was so caught up in themselves, and i got caught up in them too and it just left me broken. so now i stay away to do my own thing. the loner looks on, takes it all in, and deciphers what everyone is talking about. its a different world out there, and i don't want to be a part of it. 

Continue reading →

i know you read this.

how does that feel, huh? to be caught when you thought you were being totally anonymous.

i want you to know, its ok. i get it. i just know you read this. you want to keep tabs on me, see what goes on in my head without actually having to talk to me. cause to talk to me is a chore. my mouth is a gun and you hate to dodge bullets all the time. its stressful.

how could you not read this? i would do the same if the roles were reversed, but they aren't, and here you are, and i am on to you.

you're not allowed around me. stay away from me.

thats just where i want you, at a cold distance, afraid of confrontation. this is a power i hold over you because you let me. you have only yourself to blame. it was so easy, i just locked you up, just like that.

now who do you talk to? doesn't feel quite as right, does it. like i said, your fault. we both know you're a liar, and im telling the entire world. Continue reading →

farewell, my concubine

and i know too well what it is to ache

cause we're only as strong as the bonds we break

i swear to god its your new hobby to lie to me

i feel like disappearing but you don't see me anyway

we're chewing our tongues to try not to speak

one more phone call

this is becoming

loud and clear but

you're not listening

i see no point in

trying to make things right

you had everything

you deserve nothing

you deserve this

you gonna have to learn to live

with guilt

i want out

i wash my hands of this

and i have nothing left to say before the waves carry me away

i'll let you down so hard, stay angry with me

so whats the point in trying to figure it all out anyway

you live life like a dog, expect to walk in shit

you should have been dead so long ago

im dressing the walls of this hole

i think now im learning to call it home

keep your head down, walk slowly

so rain wont hit your face

keep moving, don't look back

just walk away

Continue reading →

it pisses you off to see other people depressed and isolating themselves because it just shows you how to yourself appear to others and you can't stand that.

you hate seeing it mirrored back to yourself.

but at the same time, what can you do to change it? you see it for all its flaws, you see how ridiculous it is but when in those moods it doesnt matter. you are not that same person as you were when observing the behavior from someone else. you are in your disorder and it has ahold of your brain.


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i kept trying to come to a realization of why she still turns my stomach. why the mention of her name or her coming up in conversation just burned by blood. finally i understand it, she's so phony. she's completely fake and hollow, and it pisses me off cause i was fooled. i saw glimpses of it but i was in too deep and far to close to see it for what it is. now i realize, everything she ever said, any cause she ever stood for, every moving word that ever came out of her mouth wasn't true. it was all a costume, a play, a mask she wore, because inside she's nothing. she has no content, she has no personality, she is nothing without pretending to be someone or something else. i have been closer than most and i have seen it first hand and now i realize just how fake she is and how much lies she spreads around. she has everyone convinced and it pisses me off cause my friends are buying the lie. she has a lot of people fooled and it's just sad, and stupid. mostly, i'm angry because she fooled me, but she played that game better than anyone i have ever seen, and i don't like to be fooled, but i am no game player. i was honest from the get go, and i still hold true to everything i ever stood for. if you're reading this, you are a phony, and you are a liar. you should carve that into your arm one more time cause your father was right. you are so fake that it sickens me. it sickens me that we were ever together and that i let you drain me of everything i had, just to keep you safe. i will not make that mistake again. you are dismissed. Continue reading →

something tells me you can't hear me

you get so tired of "trying again"

there's no good fish left in the sea

there's nothing new under the sky

all the girls are broken and used up

licking their wounds and floating in limbo

holding onto false hopes

that the one who burned them

will someday come back and make it all ok

while better men remain alone and are left wanting

you can't un-see it, once you see it

once you switch that part of you on

and you can see right through the masks that everyone wears

they can't sell it anymore

they all look so pathetic

like starving dogs begging for food

and it just makes me feel lonelier and lonelier

all these women with the depth of a puddle

i want oceans

the good men are alone, the real men are overlooked

you say what you don't mean, and your actions speak for you

someone please, for the love of God, wake me up from this nightmare

if you're out there

i need you now, more than ever

something tells me you can't hear me

something tells me you are not real

it's getting harder and harder to shake it off

and to keep believing

faith is a cruel and unfair concept

every living creature on this earth dies alone

Continue reading →

pig in a cage

it must feel so good to sell out your convictions

and be a shell of your former self

im sure it's a lot like shooting heroin

its so bad, but it feels so good

you are a slave to the glamour and the luxury

you are a weak, pathetic fool

you stopped fighting

you stopped giving a shit

you curled up on the floor and let them nest you

with all their bullshit

and i am ashamed of you

ashamed to ever have called you friend

i have wounds that mean more to me than you

you are the greatest liar i have ever encountered

and you are stuck in your hell that you created for yourself

because you just want to wash it down 

smoke it away

and fade into obscurity through smoke filled haze

you are a liar

and you will always be a liar

no one trusts you

you exist among thieves, and scum

people who would sell you out given the right opportunity

and i cant wait to see you fall

i cant wait to kick you right in the ribs when you are down and out

i will have my revenge

i will make sure you see my face, you look right into my fucking eyes

when i smile and laugh at you

cause you are just a washed up piece of shit

Continue reading →

rant. pissy. miserable. people are garbage around here.

 I came to a huge realization the other day. I can't be with someone. There is a side to me that is very dangerous and unpredictable and during times of stress I have trouble controlling it. Girls around this town do nothing but flirt and fuck with my head. All I keep hearing is "I need a real man", well I am a real man so how come I'm always single. I don't hit, I don't cheat, I don't lie, I don't steal, I don't use. I am as real as they come, but whenever I put myself out there, girls get overwhelmed. It's too real for them. Well what the fuck? Where's the line?

 I realized that I can't take getting fucked over. It takes me way longer to recover from that shit than it does normal people cause I'm a naturally depressed person, and maybe one of those times that someone does something shitty to me I just might not have the strength to stop myself and I might actually go through with it and kill myself. I have a lot of shit to do with my life and I have a lot of good things coming up, so I can't allow myself to be in a situation where someone brings me to that level. So I have to pull myself back in and abstain from relationships and girls because right now they are all driving me crazy and none of them know what they want. It seem's like every girl I meet is so broken that she can't believe that I'm real. I've literally had girls tell me "I can't believe you're real." Well I fucking am and i have all this love inside of me just burning a hole through my fucking soul, and no one wants it. No one is worthy of it, and no one would appreciate it. It makes me feel so fucking lonely.

 People expect me to be something I'm not. They expect me to be this person because of the music I'm involved in. They expect me to be a big shot, or someone that can get them somewhere, and then when they get in close they don't like what they see, they aren't prepared for it and all they see is sadness so they run for the fucking hills and I'm just really tired of letting these people in thinking they have good intentions and they can handle my weirdness, but no, they can't. They get freaked out and they run away. It's too real for them. They didn't know what they wanted in the first place and found that out real quick as soon as they entered my world. For me, it takes a chunk out of my soul every time someone runs away. It's like, don't even approach me cause you won't be able to handle it. My intensity will shake you up and my sincerity will melt you. My devotion will make your head spin, and my love will make you shy and scared.

I'm just gonna stay alone and focus on other projects and keep myself busy cause right now theres a dry spell for girls who really mean what they say. Everyone just talks shit and I'm tired of correcting you pathetic retards. Stand on your own two goddamn feet. I have nothing to offer you. Continue reading →

mother mercury, look what they've done to me

i want you to hurt

i want you to suffer

i want you to feel ashamed

for being the thing that you hated the most

for slapping a child in the face

when he begged you to stop hitting him

its your fault

the wedge driven between you

the lost holidays and family events

seeing any grand kids

being a part of his life

i want you to regret that and feel that

for the rest of your miserable life

and i want it to eat you alive

and on your death bed be the thing you regret most

i want it to ache at your heart while your body gives out

let it be the last thing on your mind

while current flows through it

be the last word on your last breath

i want you to feel it all

because i have felt it all

and i held it all inside

now its your turn

i want you to feel how black and thick the hate is

i want it to gum up in your veins

i want you to forever feel the guilt of having driven away

something you swore was so precious to you

so everyone can see how cowardly and selfish you really are

you fucking miserable cunt

your flesh is wasted on you

your breath should be reserved for someone elses lungs

i wish i could bottle up your last breath and keep in safe keeping

and yell at is and attack it when i feel miserable

knowing that i hold that

will be enough to satiate my rage

the rage you put in me

the poison you let loose in my veins

this is your fault

you made me violent

and i have no remorse for you anymore

i wish i could attack and abuse you 

the way you abused a child

a creature smaller and weaker

who trusted you for guidance

i wish i could reverse the roles

and really give it back to you

and i would if i could

but i think dying slow and miserable is enough for you

never forget what you did

it will never go away

my contempt for you grows by the year

and if i ever see your fucking face again

i will not hesitate to smash it

until it no longer resembles anything human

fuck you forever

you are hell with a pulse

and i would sever that pulse

to watch evil bleed out before my very eyes

i would bathe in your disintegration

and savor your essence leaving this world

the weight of your dead body

a tool for my muscles to grow stronger

a punching bag

to tune myself into a better, stronger person

and the cheeks on your face

will be slapped and bruised forever

like mine are

from you

happy holidays

go fuck yourself

you failure of a mother

and failure of a human being

rot slowly

die miserable

in your own filth

surrounded by cowards

and leeches

who will strip you of everything

for their own personal gain

once the life leaves your shell

do not rest in peace

lie crooked and uncomfortable

in infinite agony

you cunt

Continue reading →

damage

why do i feel so goddamn sad, why can't i just let go

all the preparing for the world outside just kept my feelings closed

now i feel like im a child even though i am a man

and my heart feels like its bursting when they all slip through my hands

i don't know what i should do to try and make myself ok

i stay angry just to feels something other than the pain

cause everybodys got somebody else, i've only ever had myself

my DNA is programmed for my mind to feel for someone else

i just want to feel ok when i get out of bed

just to have a day where i don't want a bullet in my head

and thats the emptiest threat i've ever heard cause i don't got the guts

but that don't change the fact that i feel like my death is still a must

all the voices in my head that tell me nothing is ok

im alone and that is all my fault cause no one wants to stay

with such a fucked up, damaged, broken man who cant get through the past

because the only home he's ever known just kicked his fucking ass

im tired of being miserable, and angry all the time

but i cant unsee the things i've seen and been through all my life

my eyes are fucking open, the reality is sad

when drug use and my fantasies are the best i've ever had

they say life can be so beautiful, well come live in my town

we will send you fucking packing if you spread that shit around

i feel like nothing is worth saving, i wish i could waste away

when the damage just feels better, than trying to get saved

when happiness feels foreign and you wait for shit to fly

cause that is all you've ever known and you refuse to live a lie

Continue reading →

steady hand

my hand stays steady

my mind stays peaceful

and i let the dead bury their dead

i have life to live and love to give

and this hate is just an anchor

keeping me tied to the ground

weight is a thief

and anger is a poison

i am kept sick

so i cant walk away

the only thing that keeps me going

is knowing

that it wont be long before i am away from here

away from these people

and onto the rest of my life

doing something worthwhile

and better than the simplicity of the people in this town

i will leave you all behind

i cant wait until i cant even remember your name

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anonymous and unimportant

i just want to be forgotten

a face you cant put a name to in a sea of dead eyes

anonymous and unimportant

i want to cut myself in dirty basements

and use the dust on the floor 

to clot the wound

take drugs that put holes in my brain

and destroy this temple they pray to

this body, this mind that they need and want

this tool that was never meant to be one in the first place

and ruin it for everyone

i want to heat up knives and brand patterns in my arms

breathe smoke until i pass out or vomit, whichever comes first

put my jugular vein on tap to spirt 10 foot blood spatters

across unclean floors and rooms at my free will

and laugh at the drop in blood pressure

as my head swims and my knees fall to the floor

i want to empty my stomach of nourishment

choke on fragments of wood

atrophied and destroy beyond all recognition

because i hate this thing that i have

that they made into such a commodity

that they deem more precious than gold

just to break it in front of them

and hurt them 

leave them with nothing but the pieces

to remind them of what they had

and what was taken away

Continue reading →

facebook has a dark side where fools gather and fortify each others bullshit.

making well constructed statements that sound intelligent but are actually completely false. cue a million likes from people who don't have the balls to actually question it and like it because all their friends do. fools run rampant around here, and love to puff up each others ego's. never forget that.

people love to say dumb shit to perpetuate dangerous fantasy and lies, cause its just easier than admitting the ugly truth. its especially annoying when the ones spouting this swill have never seen real horrors in their lives and know nothing of real life.

cryptic, i know, but im done naming names. you're all on your own now.

honesty, people. you have to live it, or you arent worth the orgasm it took to create you. and if you're all butt hurt over this fact........you are the very fool i am referring to.

thats why i stick to my friends and people i care about

cause they are all completely open and honest

and we all reject the ones that bullshit and lie

we push them out like the weeds that they are

i have no patience for fools anymore

if people arent smart enough to break out of their shell and search for truth on their own first, then to me, they are not human, and are not living

they are vagrant dead

and in my goddamn way

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the sky is the limit and thats all i can say. whatever you want from me you can have. i am utterly devoted to this, and i will let it kill me if i have to. there is no world here. its just me and you, in this thing we call home, connected like links on a chain, to hold to world up forever. this is all that matters, everything else pales in comparison. all the things i have done in my life, trying to find something else, something to fill the void, to empty out my sadness, to take it all away. i tried to free myself from love for so long. i tried to kill it, i cut, bruised and kicked at it, to make it go away. but there it stayed. with a stubbornness the likes of which i have never seen. its not going away, its never going away and i have to make my peace with that, but God how you break hearts. 

its the pain that hurts the most. its the worst you will ever feel. its the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and there is nothing in this world that can slap my eyes open more. i am convinced and committed when i am in your arms, and theres no way anyone can tell me any different. we are magnets to each other, you and i, and because of that i will never let go, but also because of that i will cherish you. i will worship you and praise you like my god among mere mortals. kiss the ground you walk on and make sure you are safe and pure for the rest of my days. all i've built and all i've accumulated in my entire life crumbles right at your feet and its a humbling feeling to find out that everything means nothing compared to you. i fall to my knee's with this understanding and beg you just to think of me in a kind light. 

the smell of your hair, the perfume on your clothes stay with me even when you're not here. it hits me like a brick in the chest every time and i am floored. there is no more fighting this. no more trying to be a man and not let this crush me, to stand tall and say i have never been wounded, i have never let them in, but i would lie, that would all be a lie and i don't want to lie anymore. all my defenses and all my diversions have been bypassed and brought down by one small simple girl. one charming little being with a smile on her lips. the way she says my name, the way she feels no shame, and all my bullshit falls to my feet. 

my stomach turns when i think about the past and all the things i've done to attack and torture and try to keep them out of my existence, to try and put traps around myself so they can't get in, when all this time it was nothing at all, and they could move right in whenever they wanted. i stand powerless against this and i don't know what else to do. i have fought it off for so goddamn long and tried to be smart. tried to rise above and be better than the rest of them. where they failed i will succeed, such a childish goal. there is no rule book, we're all crawling on our knees, and thinking on our feet to try to get this right. i just can't take that fall, im so afraid the next one will kill me, im afraid of what the next one will do to me. my mind can only take so much and at times i feel like im hanging by a thread while she dances in my head and it doesn't feel good, it feels hurtful and angry, and i get bitter when she calls me cause theres no control and sometimes theres nothing anyone can do but surrender and let go. my whole life has been trained against letting go, against surrender. i've been at war for 29 years and i've never had time for love, but all it took was one little look, one little flirt to put shock into my heart, and i felt the valves creak and moan as the blood started flowing again, like something that hasn't moved in decades, breaking the rust off and trying again. you wanna talk about fear, thats fear, and all my anger, all my war mongering and fighting, all my aggression against injustice and pain thats been done to me was swept off the table with careless abandon by some small creature with beautiful eyes. she grabbed my face and look me in the eyes and told me "its ok" and i don't know why but i was powerless, i had no choice but to believe her. so i did, i surrender. goddammit, i surrender, you have me, you have my heart. just please, goddammit, be careful with it, cause it means a lot to me and its delicate. 

you may think cause i am a man that i can handle the pain, but i can't. i really can't. that little thing that you hold in your hands is the most sensitive you will ever see me, the most delicate you will ever get me, and if you stab and jab at it, it will never forgive you. you have to respect this for what it is, its bigger than both of our egos, and we have to get past our bullshit to bring praise and respect this union, this clashing of souls. it brings beauty to my life, the likes of which i've never seen and i can't help but want to hold onto it forever. this is me at my weakest. i am powerless against this. please respect that. please forgive me. please be here with me. this moment is all we have. things go away so quick and this is working right now, like the eye of a storm where everything feels peaceful but powerful, and i want it to last, but if it doesn't i guess thats ok and i'll have to make my peace with that, but please understand the hurt i feel and when it tries to come around again i might be angry and attack like a wounded dog backed into a corner. i've been beat up so many times that i flinch now at every sigh, so if you want to do this and you want my love you gotta show me you mean it and prove yourself. give me a reason to beat myself up again. i'll do whatever it takes but i need to know its for a purpose, cause without purpose i am left out in the dust, and maybe one of those times when i get burnt i wont get back up. i can't say for certain. i can't say that i will be alright, cause damn when it falls, i crash hard. i sink so low, i sink solo, i isolate and drive myself into the dirt at the very bottom and keep my mouth open to get dirt in my teeth just to make it hurt that much more. im a bruised and broken man. my heart is dried out but you are the water and all i need is a drop to cure, to reinvigorate, to make everything ok. i can move mountains with love in my heart, and nothing will stop me. but you just gotta know what responsibility comes with this. to nuture this and treat it right so that it grows or we fall over and burn and hate each other for the rest of our lives. don't do that to me again. i cannot take that again. i wont come back from it this time. so there it is, my everything, all on the line, for you. you have my heart

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a letter i wrote to my sister

im not posting about you on facebook. that wasnt about you. i posted that thinking about my family and how i really don't have any. 

im not calling you a coward. you're not a coward and you've been pretty brave bringing kylee up on your own.

im never saying that, and no i dont pretend to know what you're thinking, but i do know that i am very receptive to peoples actions and the way the handle themselves, and ya know what. i can't always trust the things people say to me because i catch everyone in lies all the time. 

maybe i can come to you and talk to you about these things, but i really have never felt like i could. every time i tried i always felt like i hit a wall, and then we would have an arguement or you would get pissed off at me. 

sure, its probably hard to be a parent, but ya know what. you pulled it off, with everything we've been through you pulled it off. so thank excuse doesn't fly with me when it comes to mom and dad and bob. those people are fools and they will always be fools in my mind because they couldn't get passed all their bullshit to be good to us. they were too caught up in their selfish games and trying to hurt each other, and hurt each other THROUGH US i might add, that they didn't even stop to think what it was doing to us, and if they did stop and think, they didn't do anything to better it. 

i started putting you at a distance a while back cause honestly you weren't happy in your life either and you were malignant. every time i was around you i felt either attacked or close to being attacked. i was miserable myself but i made it a point never to take it out on anyone else cause thats what mom always did to me. 

i guess we just never made up for that. you couldnt be negative and angry anymore, i get that, but i never saw that. i was never told when this happened and at that point the damage was done. i never noticed any change in you, and that night at moms on your birthday you looked miserable and looking for a fight. i tried to stay out of your way but as soon as i walked into that house i could feel it in the air. it was thick and heavy like it used to be when we were kids, and then kylee started getting the end of that just like i used to and i had a flash back. i blacked out and when i came to jen had to tell me what the hell had just happened. 

and i heard through the grapevine that mom blames jen for me not being around anymore, like jen had anything to do with that. thats the most rediculous thing i have ever heard and of course mom has to lay the blame somewhere else cause she certainly can't take responsibility for things herself. 

if you say you were always there for me, then i believe you, but honestly it felt like the complete other way. i felt like if i brought it up to you and needed to vent, IN PERSON, not through emails or the computer, then you just got really angry and started fighting with me, which would trigger me and i would have a freak out that would take days for me to come down off of. 

people have panic attacks, yea, i have PTSD attacks. thats anxiety attacks on steroids. what some people might have they come down off of in an hour and feeling better lasts me weeks, sometimes 2. i am wracked with anxiety, INTENSE anxiety for weeks when i have an attack and that is the worst thing that i have ever had to deal with. its very hard to even recover from that even after the anxiety has passed, and i try to avoid those as best i can at all costs, cause who knows, maybe one day i just wont care anymore and i'll put a gun in my mouth. yea, it gets that dark, but no one ever wants to hear about that part. no one ever wants to talk about that. 

and when it came to mom, i just wanted it out in the open with her. i wanted to clear the air and admit that fucked up stuff happened so we could look at each other like adults with a clean conscience and say "ok, lets just call it square. you're sorry, im sorry. lets just admit that it happened" cause when mom denies the fact that it happen she denies the fact that my pain is real, and that pisses me off cause what i feel is very real and it eats me alive. 

i can't just get over it and stop being sad and angry. i was always tense for years. i had a knot in my stomach for YEARS, because i'd go to school and hate school cause i knew i wasn't good at school and it would make mom pissed off at me. then i would have to go home and be tense because mom and bob were always pissed off at me. i tried to just stay out of there way but they would always find a reason to give me hell, and then i would try to speak up and say enough was enough and i'd get a hand across my face. if i caught moms hands before she slapped me she would go into a rage and push me back on my bed and start punching me with closed fists. i had bruised ribs from one of her little black out rages that i had to hide and not show anybody cause i was embarrassed that my mother did that to me. then i had bob constantly telling me what a burden i was on my "poor mother" and they just backed each other up and ganged up on me. like i was trying to fail school, it didnt help when i had all this pressure on me to do better, but i couldn't do it. my brain doesnt work like that. i don't learn by people dictating to me, but mom didnt want to understand that, so instead i just wasn't trying and i was being a bad kid, so i deserved to get my ass kicked all the time. jesus christ dude, i remember being thrown up the stairs at our old apartment on trastevere for finally yelling back at bob. he just wouldn't leave me alone, and he kept nagging and nagging and nagging so finally i had just had enough and i snapped back, and mom came in from out of nowhere, knocked the fruit snacks out of my hand, slapped me in the face, and grabbed me and threw me up the stairs and screamed at me to go to my room. i don't feel like i deserved that. no one deserves to be treated like that no matter what they've done.

mom might not admit that it happened but she damn sure knows it does and now she has to live with that on her conscience. she did some fucked up shit that shes not proud of but that doesnt give her the right to sell me out and say to my face that she doesnt remember hitting me. look at me right in the eyes and lied to my face. and i remember being grounded for even joking about lying to her. what a fucking hypocrite. what a fucking waste of my time. 

this is good though. thank you for having this talk with me. it needed to happen, but honestly i didn't think you wanted to hear it. i have felt completely abandoned and told to shut up by my entire family and then when i give them what they think they want then im the bad guy. i've just felt like a pain in the ass all the years and i didn't want to piss anyone off anymore, so i went away. 

im seriously shocked to hear you say that you will always be there for me. i have no words for that, i don't even know if i believe. i'm willing to try though. 

you scare me sometimes cause i see a lot of mom in you and its terrifying. so when i've seen you interact with kylee sometimes i would have flash backs of mom treating me bad and i would try to stop it before it even got to that with you and kylee. i was so fucked up back then that i didnt even know how fucked up i was, so i'm sure i went about it wrong but yea dude, im not perfect either. and for all these years i've been put on this pedestal when all i wanted was to just be left alone. 

so when i see you ground kylee with a venom in your voice for lying to you, yea it makes me think of mom, and it scared the hell out of me that night on your birthday. it shook me to my bones, and then when she tried to express her anger and just vent a little by slamming a door, mom got all "i will teach kids manners" on her and went and yelled at her for slamming the door. should she have slammed the door? no. but in that situation i think we could have let her slide on that one a little bit. she just got ganged up on by her grandmother and her mother. did she fuck up? yea. she lied. but no one cared to figure out why she lied. no one wanted to talk it out with her. instead you two just attacked her, or what i felt was attacking, cause thats what mom used to do to me. i love kylee dearly. i have a special place in my heart for that kid because i was there where her father was supposed to be and i went to bat for that kid cause she needed me, and you needed me. i was put into a position that i should have never have been put into but ya know what, i went with it, i stepped up. so yea, i feel a little closer than usual to that kid. i felt like it was me and you against the world at that point. we were gonna raise this kid right and she wouldn't have to be exposed to the bullshit we were  exposed to like the smoking in the house fucking filling our lungs with their arrogance and bullshit, and the abuse. i thought you and i got out of there and we were gonna be safe. i thought we were a team. 

i guess i shouldn't have moved out of the apartments with you guys. i needed to really take a stab at my music thing and i didn't want to fuck you guys over cause i knew that sometimes i wouldnt have my rent and sometimes i wouldnt be able to eat or even know where i was sleeping. i needed that though, i needed to go through that and really live music, and it payed off. for once i had something beautiful in my life that made me feel good about myself and i did that all on my own, in spite of everyone trying to pull me down. in spite of all my mental illness i made something beautiful happen. i made art at its purest form and that was something that mom couldnt take away from. it was something that dad couldn't tell me was pointless noise. mom was always so quick to support me drawing and being an artist but when i got into it full bore she couldnt handle it anymore, and im left going "what the fuck, you told me to do this. you told me it was ok, im too far into it now." 

i thought that when i moved out of mattydale that you were gonna be ok. i thought that we had things set up enough to where you were gonna be ok. maybe i was wrong on that. maybe i shouldnt have done that. if thats the case then i really regret doing that. if i let you down on that and you needed me to be there then that fucking sucks and im really sorry about that. 

im kinda just thinking out loud here at this point. music was heading me in a really hard direction. something that i couldn't take you with me on. cause i knew that i would have months of living out of a van and trailer, and not being able to eat for 4 days straight, and not knowing where im going to sleep, or if i'll be able to sleep at all. i knew that stuff was coming and i had to do it to get my music going. i was willing to die in order to get my music going, cause i had nothing else. that was all i had so i was like "god, i hope this kills me cause i cant do anything else." it was either this works out or it kills me and then i wont have to deal with anything anymore. yea, i put my life on the line cause it was worth it to me. it paid off. i have two records distributed worldwide. i have my story, and my message OUT there. i have kids from buenos aires telling me they love my band and they really feel my message. i get kids saying come play germany, come play england. it feels great to actually be wanted. i guess in music i always got the bond and the family that i needed to feel. i never got that out of our family. i had to go somewhere else for that. 

somewhere along the line i just felt you resenting me or something, i dont know. you had this anger towards me or because of me and i felt it every time i was around you. i'd try to hang out with kylee and i could feel you being angry with me or wanting to keep kylee away from me like i was a bad guy or something. like mom did with uncle lee, when in fact she was the crazy one and uncle lee saved my goddamn life when i was a kid.

you have this anger in you that is really terrifying. you say hurtful things that i don't feel i deserve and well that makes me push even further away. like when you called me a loser in dads van. i felt that was really harsh and that cut me really deep. im not a loser. i was in a rough spot and trying to ride it out and get my footing again, all the while dealing with the effects of post traumatic stress disorder. it was really hard to do and on top of it all i get called a loser. dad had to console me because i was a goddamn mess. i went back into that house and cried my fucking eyes out IN FRONT OF DAD, and he's such an emotional cripple he didn't know what to do. he tried to run away. he was so awkward and uncomfortable, so im trying to not freak out cause im freaking out dad, but i can't hold it all in, and dads going "....ugh...i gotta take off, ugh, get yourself together man. you'll be ok." then dad gave me the most awkward hug i've ever had in my entire life. he was like a stick, he was tense and he didnt want to embrace me. it was a 'pat pat' on the back and i really needed a fucking hug, but dad isn't capable of that shit and it fucking sucks. they are not there for me. dad tries to be but he's fucked. he's been tossed around all his life so he's set in his ways and he just chases all the pain away with beer. i can't be a part of that. 

so yea, this is where the rift comes from.

dad is useless unless you need your car fixed.

mom is a pathological liar and she's abusive. she manipulates and she uses people. thats why bob is in the picture. he's a blank slate. he's dumb. just some moron that doesnt know anything and she can program to talk, walk, and do everything she says, and when she lies he will hide it with her. he will put out her fires and deal with her shit because hes a moron and she has him wrapped around her little finger. thats so fucked up dude. i dont want any part of that. mom manipulates. you cant leave her house without her going, "do you have any money?" "yea mom, im ok," "well just take 20 bucks" "no mom, im good" "take it, dammit." because she can use that against me later. she gave me 20 bucks so i should come over and deal with her bullshit and mow her lawn and pretend that i'm not angry with her. 

i tried to ignore it. i tried for years to forget the past and move on but i couldn't do it. it always comes back up. and when i look at mom i don't see my mother. i see this woman that has done me wrong so many times and expects me to respect and cherish her. for what? she hit me for my own good? i dont understand their logic. you shit on me all my life and tell me im worthless and a piece of shit and a terrible burden on you all and im ruining everything, im a fuck up, im gonna be just like my father, im gonna be an alcoholic, im gonna be a piece of shit, im going nowhere. respect that? she never gave me the benefit of a doubt. she never believed in me, and i have done things with my life that people never get to do in their entire lives. i've been on tour MULTIPLE times. i have seen the country, i have seen our entire country and soon im going to see the world, and all of that doesnt mean shit cause i still have moms voice in the back of my head telling me that im no good. i had to cut that off of me. i had to. i had no other choice. that was a cancer tearing me apart. mom is fucked up and she doesn't know how to treat people well. she manipulates and lies and i cant keep track of all her lies to figure out whats really going on. she ties me in knots and it gets me to the point where i just freak out and want to attack her. i don't like being brought to that point and i don't come back from that unscarred. that takes a chunk out of my soul every time that happens, and it takes me weeks to recover from the anxiety of it all. i have to sit alone in my room in god knows where with my thoughts and knowing that mom hates me, she thinks im a piece of shit. dad, who knows what he thinks. he drunk all the time. he's trying not to think. he doesn't want to feel at all, and bob has been nothing but a thorn in my side and a reinforcement for moms abuse because he's an idiot and he can't see what she's doing. so i have two of them jumping down my throat at all times. im the fuck up. i have been the place to put the blame in this family my whole life and i wear it on my shoulders every day. i have to deal with that and let it out little by little in little ways here and there. i have to vent everything out so it doesnt kill me and theres too much built up inside of me. i can't be around those fucking people cause they just keep filling up the bucket. i can't carry this weight anymore, and i can't keep apologizing for my freak outs and black outs when these people are what cause them in the first place.

it's like i have to be the glue that keeps it all together and i'm just not willing to do it anymore. the older i get the more i realize that mother and father, those are just words. they hold no water for me. i don't have a feeling behind those words. its been beaten and dragged out of me. i never asked to be born and it feels like im being punished for it.

you are my sister and i love you. i always will. i will always be there if you need me, but i have to be able to be open about this stuff. if we are to continue a relationship with each other then we have to have open lines of communication and understanding. we have to understand each other. you have to understand when i go away to fall apart, its because i dont want you to see that. i dont want your help because its ugly and theres nothing you can do to help me. i will only pull you down with me when i crash, so when i gotta go, its for a reason. im not just being a dick. its never a "eh, fuck her. i dont want to deal with her right now." no, its usually a "i am a mess and she cant see me like that cause i have to be strong for her and im not right now" cause if i fall you fall. thats the way it is. by now your probably thinking that you can stand on your own two feet, yea you can. im not saying you cant. im just saying that when you need me to be strong for you, i can't always be because i have all this shit to sort and deal with and maintain and make sure that it gets vented in a healthy way instead of hurting myself or other people. i've become the conduit for all of the ugly shit in this family and its been placed on my head, which ya know what, fine, i've made my peace with that, but if im gonna be that guy i'd like a little understanding when i come unglued. 

i have mourned moms death already. i feel nothing for her anymore. that may make you sad, but for me, all feelings for her are gone. i did what i had to do to survive her, and now i am what i am. it broke my heart to do it, but it had to be done. i cried for days and threw myself around my room trying to get it out, but in the end i got up and had a sandwich because thats how little it has to mean to me. i can't let that mean anything to me because its trying to ruin my life.

so here it is. this is everything on the table. where do we go from here? i feel used and abused and thrown out and mistreated by this family 100 times over and i dont have the energy left to do it again, so i have my guard up now. you people scare the shit out of me because i let you in and all hell breaks loose. you have always been an exception because we did have an understanding at one point, but somewhere along the way you kinda quit the team. maybe that was my fault. maybe i burned you by going to do my music thing. if it was im sorry. it's just hard to maintain any semblance of family and love when this shit is so broken like this. 

i still have love for you in me. i haven't shut you out completely cause i knew somewhere along the line we would work our shit out, but i can't allow myself to get into situations that trigger me cause then i black out and i break things and i hurt people and hurt myself and when i come to im in a pool of fucking blood and my hands are throbbing. yea, this has actually happened. jen got the brunt of that stuff in our relationship. we had a good run her and i. there was a lot of love there, but there was a lot of self discovery and in the end jen realized she was gay and that unfortunately made it so there was no room left for me. so that triggered my PTSD and we had to deal with that. we had to pull our roots out of each other because we had reached a crossroads and on top of it we had to be careful because i have mental disorders from a fucked up childhood and if im stressed too much i will snap and put my fist through a wall. i have to walk on egg shells around myself most of the time because i know that i am a ticking time bomb. this is the only thing i ever got from mom and dad. anxiety and black out rage. so yea, im a little burned up about it, and yea im not willing to let it all go because they have to pay for that bullshit. they deserve to feel like shit for the mess they made with their carelessness. mom deserves every snide remark and shit that i throw at her. she doesnt get to just walk away. my whole life has been one big back pedal to unlearn and undo the damage she did, so no. she doesnt get to walk away. she gets shit on, and i will be the person to dump on her cause she has it coming. she dished it out but she couldn't take and now she has met her match. everything has come full circle and i didnt break, and i'm coming back with an army to cut her down. 

and the thing about it is, i dont want to. 

i dont want to come back and dump it on her head, cause im better than that and im better than her, so all i can do is cut her out of my life. now she isnt even a memory. shes not my mother, thats just her title. she is nothing to me anymore and she never will be again because she had every chance in the world to do the right thing and she just fucked it up every time. i have no patience for fools anymore and i dont care who it is. if you are in my way i will cut you down. this is how i have been trained. this is how i have been programmed. i didn't ask for this. they made me this way and now they expect me not to be this way? where is the logic in that. i dont know what else to do. i am at a loss for mom and dad. they are set in their ways, they are both bullheaded and they dont want to hear any other way. i cant save them. i cant even be around them. so fuck em. those people have caused me nothing but pain. fuck it. get rid of em. i got living to do and a career to build. i have my own life now. it's finally mine. its finally my way. and no one is allowed to touch it. right now im at the point where i am holding onto it for dear life before someone comes along and ruins it on me. so thats the rift. thats why i'm not so quick to show up at your door and say hey. there's things you need to understand about me before i do that. a lot has happened to me and i am a very different person than the one you knew, and im changing every day. ptsd will do that to you, it makes you put your shit in order so as to avoid an attack. 

i wanna know that if i show up to your door that i will be welcome in your home and be able to hug my niece and hold my nephew, and not feel like i'm being looked down on or resented, and i don't want to have to leave feeling like im doing something wrong by leaving you there cause those feelings dont leave me. they add up and they take a chunk out of my soul.

thank you for reading this. seriously. thanks. this needed to be said, and honestly, a couple of years ago you weren't hearing any of this. no one was. and i was alone. 

so thats where i'm at. im trying to turn things around and learn to love myself and actually be happy and not have to feel guilty because im not somewhere doing something for somebody else cause they need me. i have a lot of healing to do and i still have a long hard road ahead of me for recovery, but im tough and im going to do it as long as i have some support in order to do it. 

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you

you taught me how to love and i thank you for that

but it doesn't change the fact

that you broke my heart

that you tore me apart

that you left me for dead to run to someone else's arms

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the ever failing faith in people

the strains, the let downs

the ever failing faith in people

im convinced im the only one who knows how to open his eyes

all just a bunch of small men who hide and throw rocks

and skitter away like rats

ive got a knife for each one of your throats

dont you dare fucking test me

everything is fucked

and its all your fucking fault

you all think your so witty

so clever

you've got a funny answer for everything

your all cowards

you dont have the balls to say what you mean and fucking live by it

dig a fucking hole in the ground and bury yourself

youre through

the world has enough sores walking around wearing coats

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i want her. selfishly and indulgently. i want her in my bed at all hours of the morning in my arms watching stupid movies and buzzing off the hum of our bodies together, feeling the electric current through her nerves flicker past my own, separated only by thin layers of skin. i want to shift my body ever so slightly and feel her skin rub against mine. i want to disturb her in her sleep so that she wakes lightly and shifts her weight in my bed. i want to watch her sleep and feel the endorphins flood my body and brain. i want to breath her perfume and find her hair everywhere in my room. i want to run into little things she left over when she's not around, little reminders that she is in my life. i want to wake up in the middle of the night just to pull her closer and wrap my arms around her. i want to lose sleep over her. i want my heart to race. i want to rattle the cages and break this fucking shell forever. i want to dive in head first and never fucking care if i come up for air. i want her tiny body resting on top of mine, just basking in the glow of us, with nothing but the light of the tv to see each other. i want kisses hello, and kisses goodbye. i want a reason to wake up. i want something to give a shit about. i want a muse. i want a reason to write love songs. i want to feel corny, and stupid, and wrapped around her stupid little finger. i want it all, and i miss it more than anything. not even my darkest lows are as bad as they are when im with someone. i just want someone in my life. i've  been alone my whole life, and i am at the point where i can't go on alone anymore. i've reached the end of the one lane road. the loner is lonely, and tired of living like this.

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I dare anyone to go through the things I have been forced and coerced into going through to have handled it any better than i have. Most of you don't even know the half of it, and don't even want to know the horrible details. You know nothing of having no choice but to shove it down inside and hold it there while your entire body fights to get it out, but if you let it out someone will hurt you and beat you until you can barely feel anything anymore.

You don't understand and have never experienced the numbness and bitterness. The self infliction which is a manifestation of not having any other way to deal with it, but it turn it on yourself so that it doesnt hurt anyone else. You don't know the burdens we carry and what it weighs, and yet we still function and live in your world. We are stronger and better than all of you. We survive.

Next time you want to question my behavior or my mood, think about what you are asking, and wheather you really want to know the truth, or you just want to play hero and assimilate someone unlike you into your perfect world and make them more like you, cause the truth is you really just cant deal with people that are unlike you. You are the weak one, you are the ignorant. You couldn't handle an hour in my shoes, and you would have killed yourself a long time ago if you experienced half of what I have.

So I don't feel I owe any fools, or lesser beings an explanation for my actions or my moods. If you don't get it, or can't accept it then thats where our paths end. If i explained it to you, like actually showed you and made you feel it, it would warp you and change you and disfigure your from the inside out, and you would never be the same. You can't handle this, you can't handle the reality, so stay the fuck out of it and keep your overbearing need to save everybody to yourself. Continue reading →