drug withdrawal in a cold room
night terrors wake me up in a shake
i kept waking up thinking i was dying
it was hard to move
my head is swimming
my eyes do that vision shift thing
stomach turns, trying to kick this grip on my throat
swallow pills that turn into candy before my very eyes
take 20 of these and call me in the morning
i felt really alive for the first time in my life
even if this kills me, it was worth it
no one can possibly understand if they have never felt this way
its a feeling you can never describe
you dont know hitting bottom
all you want, ever second of every day, is for it all to be over, as soon as possible
ive uncovered all the lies i was ever told
things i believed, that i modeled my life around
ive discovered my own truths
and im happier all on my own
in a world of liars and whore, its easy to get trapped
i chewed through the ropes and slit the guards throat
if side effects are the worst thing to come of this
i'll take it with pride, like a fucking graduate diploma
im not ever going back
if i ever see anything resembling that life
im killing myself on the spot

for life
for the way things never change
for the weight we wake up to everyday
this life is no life
for the legs that just keep walking
cause they dont know what else to do
for the heart thats only purpose is to beat
not to think about why its beating
for the love were all told will come someday
and never does
for the feeling of loss
for the feeling of betrayal
for knowing that you just arent really in love
and not having the courage to be honest
for the coward in us all
for the number of times a back has been turned
for the amount of months it takes to get over it
for the way we look at ourselves in the mirror and cant even force a smile
for the countless sleepless nights
for the stomach pains
for the medical bills, the prozac, the anxiety medication, the mood stabilizers
lexapro, zyprexa, klonapin
for the way our only way out is to fill ourselves with anything
just to stop the pain
no plan you can make will ever turn out the way you wanted
life has a way of going its own way
for the people we push away
for the days weve spent in bed
for the ways we feel like complete and utter shit and cant give you a single reason why
for pointlessness
for loneliness
for the addiction to our own natural chemicals
and the addiction to the company of someone else
for the habit of isolation
for the back and forth, twist and turn, constant indecision
for the days ruined by one simple thoughtless comment
for the acceptance of what is easy and knowing it isnt right
knowing who you really are is half the battle
for the inability to stand up by yourself and not worry about the opinions of people around you
for never letting go, good or bad
for not knowing if its a good thing or a bad thing
for the judgemental attitudes
for the people who use the "dont judge me" excuse to hide behind the wrong they know they are doing
for the complete lack of faith in anyone but yourself
for the lack of faith in you by anyone else
for better or worse
for quotes that people swear by, but they do not apply to life anymore
for disappointment
disappointment.

good morning

i peel back my eyelids, waiting for a focus that never comes
my veins run thick and slow, like sap from a hole in a tree
i dont come alive very easy
almost everyday i risk falling to the floor
i stand on wobbly legs, my knees shake
my heart just isnt into being awake
i dream of better places, living better lives
i cannot wait for it to be over
the constant nagging from the world outside is more than i can stand
always wanting more from me
never satisfied with all i have to give
i dread the morning
it just reminds me that another day is approaching
and i have to fake it all over again

my legs didnt work when i woke up
my head felt like it was flowing with sludge mixed into my blood
someone must have injected me with venom while i was sleeping
this place looks the same as it always does
covered in filth, no matter how much i scrub
if life would have been the way they told me it was going to be when i was a little boy
i would have been dead much sooner
good thing ive been lied to my whole life
(theres something i never thought id say)

after a tingling in my knees, i try my legs again
its rough, but it'll do for now
you take what you can get when it comes
im trying not to breathe so hard
people as too many questions when they can see your distress
the fantasy is gone in life
nothing holds the magic it used to have
everything is so real all of the time
were a nation of people trying to dodge reality
and i wish i was among them
but my eyes are open
and i cannot stand it

the reasons

always falling forward
legs made out of numb
and i knew this whole time
that you were going to do this again
to tell you the truth i havent thought about it in a long time
its been months and no sign of you anywhere
id like to think you were dead
but lets be fair, life cant be sweeter than it already is
i destroyed all the evidence in a structure fire
may the staples in my head bring a peace ive been searching for
theres no kharma in this life for you
you'll never be any good to anyone
youre a predator posing as a house pet
a cancer with attractive features on her face
feed away. multiply
destroy life, its what youre good at, its what youre made for
its the reason that someday someone will knock you down and put you in your place
and youre not walking away unscathed
im predicting a facial scar and a limp in your future
these are the reasons flowers never came naturally for you
you had to beg me to get them
and i felt like a joke handing them to you
i swear to god i almost laughed in your face
i forgot all about you
its hard to think about any time spent with you
cause i just cant recall it ever happening
this is how much you meant to me
this was nothing at all

tiny

gentle light on my bed
as she dances in my head
making all the air so hard to breathe

shes like silk, the way she moves
someday i'll be a part of you
i will tell myself, until i cant move

i relax for just a while
as i stare, she cracks a smile
somehow everything i know just falls away

i could give up for you
do the foolish things we do
this is all i ever wanted in my life

just to be close to you
feel you breathe when im touching you
life in moments, we all need a reason to get by

fill me up, tear me down
everything is on the ground
this is all i'll ever have, all for you

lush

having fun?
does the picture look prettier from your side
cause im not seeing any beauty in this
im stuck repeating myself again
finding myself doing the things i said id never do
and for someone like you
no shower in the world can wash off how dirty i feel
i said i wanted to give it time
take it slow
slow wasnt good enough for you
pushed me into everything we ever did together
thats how you are
self centered and overbearing
never satisfied, even when you get your own way
daddys little bitch
i guess your terribly partial to cold nights alone
you still have so much growing up to do
but nothing you could ever tell me would be something i dont already know
i called it right from the start
i just didnt have the heart to turn you away
well i do now
your a sad waste of time for anyone who tries to get to know you
my stomach still turns, you make me sick to my stomach
women have been beaten to death for less
consider yourself lucky you stupid fucking whore

beautiful things

i could watch you, through a window from outside, for hours
i cant take my eyes off of you
....eyes
lets talk about eyes
everytime you look at me that way...
i dont want you to look at me that way anymore
i dont think i can take it anymore
the deepest, most heart felt pair of eyes you'll ever see
looking right into my soul
flipping on every switch in my pathetic heart
oh my aching heart
i dont know why im doing this to myself again
thats a lie, of course i do
its good to put a little ache in your heart every once in a while
just to know its still there
its fun to dabble in things that are not in my nature
but they will never be real to me
that will never be me
you will never be for me
every word lost in the wind
every breath dies before it reaches you
beautiful things do not come my way

cucumber melon

the smell of cucumber melon in the air
reminds me of what it was like to be young and in love
i wish the feeling didnt sicken me, nowadays
back then it was pure and unpoisoned
i think of her, instantly, every time
and the way we destroyed what we had
its like shaking a baby
for years the stomach pains came, on and off
her face enters my mind
and i feel like curling up, fetal style, on the floor
i wish it didnt happen that way
i wish a lot of things
shes damaged and i cant shut my mouth when her malfunctioned parts spark and sputter at me
it was the greatest failure of my life
and it botheres me to this day, 6 years later

paper

im tired of being me
apathy, agony
oh, someone feel bad for me
its funny how everything gets greyer, gets colder
gets lonelier
i think one day i'll find my way
free of everything
out there somewhere in all that deep blue nothing
is a place for me
a  woman thats real, a life thats worth living
a job thats worth working, and not all about giving
someday i'll wake up and not feel like theres bricks on my chest
i dont know what else to say
because ive said it all before a billion times
the sun rises in every direction
i have no sense of direction
ive got a million ways to hide my heart
and i'll go through them all before you get ahold of me
i got it all down, somewhere, on paper
thats all ive really had in my life
pieces of paper

slow

i breathe slow so as not to disturb the cold air around me
it attacks when provoked
stinging at my sensitive skin
its one of those fragile days when the hum of the lights and machinery overhead is comforting
but sounds of any higher decibel are heartbreaking
im at a loss for friends and finding no need for friendships
i watch the paint of lines on the highways flash by me
i see trees and plants of strange places in the middle of nowhere that i will never see again
the world is a hard place
nothing you do will ever be easy
i feel so tired
exhausted down to the bone
down to the tread of the tires
down to the wire

tour and playing music professionally

the title of this rant makes me laugh. playing music professionally. i guess it depends on your definition of professional. according to my definition of it im a professional at being broke and poor, and feeling lost and uncomfortable all the time.

if i never go on tour again i wouldnt care at all. its a miserable hollow existence and has destroyed the spirit of music and hardcore for me.

wanna know what tour is like? ok here we go...

you spend months preparing for tour, which consists of trying to get as my hours in at work as you can before you go crazy cause lets face it, youre in a band so you dont have a very good job and it makes you nuts just going there everyday, but you have to make money for tour. you dont though. you never make enough money to pay off all your bills and have money for the road.

why do you need money for the road?

cause you dont make any on the road. you make enough to put gas in the tank to get to the next city, but just barely. so how are you supposed to eat? thats the tricky part. if youre not into stealinng from gas stations like im not, then you starve, or you try to get some money before tour so you can have food money. i never have food money. i pay for the van insurance and van payments so that we can tour cause im in a band with musicians.

heres an interesting FACT for you. musicians are irresponsible, miserable assholes who dont ever have the financial aspect of the band in mind, so its usually up to one guy to take care of it all or everything buckles. thats me.

so you somehow fill your gas tank on day one, and drive for 6 hours to the show, then you get out and load all your gear into the venue and meet the bands that you are going to be touring with. ive never been good at first introductions so it takes me a few days to warm up and get comfortable with the strangers that seem to want to talk to me and get to know me because we are forced to be in the same place everyday with each other for months at a time.

the first show is always the worst because you've just driven, or ridden in my case, for 6 hours and your not adjusted to tour life yet. honestly, it doesnt get much better you just stop caring. so after the show youre tired from playing and loading equipment, and then you have to load it all out again and put it back in the trailer, then you gotta drive again if no one offers you a place to stay in town.

this repeats EVERY SINGLE DAY. its always the same, so you try to do things to break up the monotony. some people drink, some people do drugs. i do neither, so i go CRAZY.

i go for long walks around the venue as far as i can without losing direction and getting lost which ive done quite often cause i have a horrible sense of direction. i usually listen to my ipod and try to forget that theres another month of this bullshit. unfortunately at the same time im alienating myself from my other band members and rest of the people on tour. they tend to take offense to this.

so tour is basically counting the days until you can go home and forget this ever happened, all to wait to do it all over again cause as soon as you get home theres another tour booked. meanwhile, youre still on tour and your back is killing you from not sleeping well. we usually sleep in the van and i sleep up on a loft we built out of wood with carpeting over it. so i pretty much sleep on a plank of wood, and im tall so its not big enough for me to stretch out, so im constantly curled up. i always feel like shit. im always sore, im always tired, and always miserable on tour.

ITS NOT WORTH IT.

kids at shows usually do nothing but stare at you blankly and not show any sign of whether they like it or hate it, and if you freak out like me on stage to try to relieve some of the pressure of being cooped up in a van, then you usually freak a lot of people out, and they dont want to talk to you after the show.

its lonely and depressing. you'd think "hey youre with your best friends so shouldnt that be company enough?" No. tour brings out the worst in people and your so called best friends turn into the worst assholes you've ever known in your life and you cant even talk to them about how crappy you feel because they also feel crappy and they dont want to be reminded of it.

when its finally fucking over you get home after driving another 6 hours, and usually you cant sleep cause you cant stop thinking about finally going home, so you get home tired and exhausted after dropping off all the other assholes in your band that you dont want to see every again, and you have to drop them off first cause you own the fucking van, so you get to go home last.

the walk to the front door of your house is surreal. it doesnt seem real. you walk into your house and its foreign feeling. usually you come home at like 10 in the morning, and your not used to seeing your house at this angle at 10 in the morning. you drop all your shit cause you dont care about it anymore and fall on your bed, but you dont feel it. youre sound asleep before your body even hits the bed.

its time for a career change. metal and hardcore is dead. its an oversaturated, flooded market and there are too many bands out there to let any of the ones who actually give a shit even do anything or make it anywhere. its going the way of 80s metal and rock and roll before it. its dead and dying. what we are hearing now is the death rattle. im gonna start doing things that make me happy. ive proved my point, ive accomplished my goals with music and its time to move on.
fuck it.

i dont like doing things im supposed to do, things i have to do.
i dont like being told i dont have a choice.
i always have a choice.
i refuse to accept these things as parts of life and living.
i dont assimilate them into my everyday routine.
for some people its about maintaining happiness and not being angered by things they cant control.
i guess i would rather just be pissed off and hate the fact that i have stupid shit in my life, and even stupider people telling me that i have to do them.
thats how it was with school.
constantly pissed off that i had to be in the stupid fucking building with all those stupid fucking people who actually gave a shit how i looked, and made me feel like i had to give a shit because they gave a shit.

im tired of our society.

im tired of people assuming that i'll do the things that they do, and when i dont they get mad at me.
at work, i do what i have to do to get the job done, and then i'll usually sit with a book and read for a good half hour.
fellow co-workers sometimes get pissed at me, mostly because they themselves cant just say fuck it and sit down with a book.
so they turn to anger, and expect me to give a shit that they are mad at me.
people take their lifes to seriously, and especially take their shitty jobs to seriously, and i cannot stress shitty enough.
im gonna do what i want to do because i know its my right to do it.
i dont hurt anybody, i dont even disrupt the steady flow of your precious little lives.
i just do things the way i want to do them.
fuck, half the time i see those very same people coming to me for advice.

no one is above, or below me.
no one has authority over me.
this is how i have to be in order to be happy.
i am not happy falling in line and following our way.
any attempt and trying to change my ways will be met with hostility.
in short, i will fuck with your head until you dont want to talk to me anymore.

ever wonder why youre so unhappy?

chemical shakes

horrible shakes as the chemical enters my blood
i can feel it making itself home in my body

its feet up on the coffee table

im retching at the ground
i feel the rusted pipes shake and fill
the corroded valves shriek to life
i havent used my heart in years
its like a bomb went off in my chest
i wish i could bleed out and die
its better than what i know is going to happen if this keeps up
i cannot do this
apparently im not making things clear enough
maybe im not running far enough
maybe im going about this all wrong
inside i know im lying to myself
you cant run away i should know that by now
a lesson i'll never learn

i roll my eyes at my own situation
as if im watching it from the other side
what a crock of shit
im still not done beating myself up
im not satisfied
i dont hate myself enough yet
its not time to turn things around and start repairing
im having too much fun destroying myself
it helps me write these beautiful words
these little scaps of paper dedicated to whoever finds these after im rotting in the ground

i tell her i love her as i breathe the tension out of my bodyi tighten my eyes trying to take in the feeling of letting go and being free of this burden, as i put the gun barrel to my right templea wash of comfort overcomes me, i smile at the thought of going home and clench my trigger finger and float away

distance sits bitch in the back seat with us

your a girl and im a boy
you play house, i play with toys
your growing up, im still a kid
my heart feels slower, your pulse is dim
im not trying to ruin your life
but i know the difference of wrong and right
i know the feeling of going home
it lives in my nerves, it sings with my bones
and i know too well what it is to ache
cause were only as strong as the bonds we break
ive trusted this all the way to the end
i let down my guard, and silenced my friends
they told me we're different, our lives are apart
but anything works if you follow your heart
i dont know what your thinking at all anymore
my heart, i left scattered all over the floor
cause picking it up would be too much to bare
when im here in the clouds, and your off somewhere
girls will be angry, and boys will be sad
and they'll never sit back and take in what they have
when the feeling is gone its like a kick in the chest
people spend there whole lives trying to give it there best
at least i can say that i had something real
and cold shoulders are for cowards that dont know how they feel
so i dont know where to go, now that we've come here
id end it all just to have you near
but you have your things, and i guess i have my own
the worst thing of all is being alone
im counting the days, the nights never end
distance makes sure broken hearts never mend
lets give it a name, give it anything at all
its losing its grip and were letting it take the fall

old and bitter

ive got so many questions for the maker in the sky
but all the pain wont go away, so i'll hang my head and cry
just to push in there faces is enough shut me up
now dont be bitter, dont be angry, holes are made for closing up
well thats bullshit if you think that you can walk the other way
and not fess up to all the shit that your avoiding everyday
this goes to the girl who likes to blow it in her hair
thanks for showing up, call me if you care
fuck you, this is heaven, fuck you this is real
cause you cant even imagine how bored i feel
your always there in body, but never there in mind
just to have a moment in my life that doesnt waste my time
what a dream it truly is, i waste a dream on someone else
now i dream, i dream alone, i dream by myself, FUCK YOU

whats the point in trying to figure it all out anyway
your beautiful when you lie
when you smile your teeth fall out of your head
im running around trying to figure out where to spend the rest of my life
in the arms of disintegration
i always knew youd be the perfect one
make some sense of my mess
i dont know how i get myself into situations like this
but this time im gonna stay down
im gonna decorate the walls of this fucking hole
make a nice comfortable misfortune out of this
all a man really needs is a woman
and i dont care what they say
you look violent enough to me
you look like a pending breakdown
i wont have it any other way
cause it means a lot to me
and this is the only way
to truly be in touch with your heart

fodder

attractive people are fodder. they are bred to be porn stars and billboards and

magazine models and icons for a world that doesnt really exist, so that things can

look better than they seem, so we can pull the veil over everyones eyes and they

dont have to know the truth that the world actually is boring and ordinary and

that beautiful and attractive are few and far in between and when you meet them

they arent any more or any less interesting than the unattractive people.

its fucking bullshit.

a quote i found that sums it up pretty good.

"I was born when she kissed me. I died when she left me. I lived a few weeks while she loved me."

lie down

this is where we lie when we need to lie down
when the knees give out, i can see the horizon
lie as in lay, or lie as in tell
i can never tell
its warm where it hurts
and the smell opens me up for something i'll regret later
at this point im too shaken to ask
but i dont think i would under better circumstances anyway
walk with my head down
tracing distractions
hoping the eyes wont watch for long
im not that important
i just feel a little too hurt to go home
and i wanna know if its ok with you to stay
cause i dont wanna be alone

nothing is real anymore

whatever you want you can have it
the dirt is the limit for people like us
were finding new meaning in old tracks on our arms
painting new colors to try and make the memories go away
but all i can think about
is how it used to be
with the feeling in my stomach
i heave at the ground
here comes the dirt again
my old best friend
dont get angry with yourself
well nobody else listens to what i have to say
they never give me the space i need to breathe
its all in my face, the shit that i did wrong
when the worst is passed, you'll be a believer
to put me down, to put me away
its not even laughable
its all ending so fast
just the same old thing
taking on too much guilt
there comes a point when you have to grab the knife
and cut for dear life
until the pain isnt real anymore
nothing is real anymore

plastics

im thinking of only plastics and how fast, and what it would take to get my hand around that wheel
theres only so many lines to cross, and a couple ways to go
you can point that finger all you want
this is happening whether you like it or not
im a low self esteem son of a bitch and im full of self doubt
are things really the way they seem?
too many questions, i dont like questions
bad news is news in general
i still feel the eyes on me everywhere i go
i walk in discomfort
as if this body is not my own
this face i see in the mirror is someone else
seasonally affective and bi polar
apology after apology
god ive apologized so many times
but how can you not open your mouth
how can anyone just stand there and not let their voice be heard
even someone unstable like me can see that
turn to the left
turn to the right
change the channel
give it more gas
theres no fucking point anymore
everything has already been done
the market is flooded
this isnt what it used to be
it doesnt mean the same things
this isnt fun anymore

tired and sore

tired and sore
tired and sore
worn to the floor
tired and sore
maybe gods mercy
forgot where to find me
worn to the floor
tired and sore

an oldy but goldy. found this in the dregs of my computer.

it looks so good and it looks so real
and shes the most amazing thing that i have ever seen
and it sits inside my swollen headand it makes me obsess and desire for her
every curve and light blessed body part
every shine of god touched skin
makes every nerve scream at my mind
and my eyes twitch at the sight of it all
i feel weak in my knees
and my heart is feeling faint
i think my eyes are shedding tears faster than
i can even think
but i think i would rather remove my own heart
than to feel the things i feel for her
cause i know where it goes, and know how i feel
and i know that i'll regret every last kiss
i'll be that much more dead by the time she is gone
and no ring, and no praise will keep her here
nothing i can ever say or do
will make any sense of anything that happens between a man
and a woman
i want nothing to do with any of it
liars are all responsible for this
i was lied to when i was told love is a beautiful thing
i was lied to when i was told i was loved
all i ever hear is lies
i have been lied to
and i refuse to get lost in her eyes again
i dont want to feel my heart
this is the bullshit lies that i have tried to shove in everyones fucking pathetic face for as long as i can remember
no i see it for what it is
and fuck you for every saying you love me
fuck you

quitter

put it in writing
i want to see it on paper that you are coping the fuck out
and it wouldnt ever have had to be like this
but i could never get you for once second to just shut the fuck up
always quick with a rebuttal
your face turns blue
i think there are too many words trying to get out of your mouth at the same time
that neckline could use a well sharpened tool
just to bleed you out and make sure those vocal chords never vibrate another sound again
the rules of nature apply here you just dont see them
you think your invincible and you talk all the shit you want
well the stronger animal is tired of hearing the weaker animal talk
and your existence doesnt do anything for me anymore
all the worlds worthless have a pedestal installed just for you
so you can stand there for the rest of your life
and tell the walls what an awesome person you are

we'll use a gag if we have to

we're not supposed to talk about it
we're supposed to go about our day like it doesn't hurt
like it didn't happen
i've used up all my wishes on trying to be happy with you
but the feeling turns my stomach

this is wrong

its never, ever, been right
well i'm fucking saying it
cause i don't pretend everything is ok
this hurts worse than a heart attack
im achy and sore, and my joints hurt to move
let's be honest for one time only in our pathetic lives
it never really goes away
you just put it in the background, like white noise. when you need it.
i miss our good times
but our bad times haunt me, and i get the shakes when i think about them
that will never happen again
and im certain of that now.

PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT

prepare for disappointment
i will let you down on everything you trust me with
just to fucking laugh
i dont build weak walls
and this is never open for discussion
just to shut your fucking mouth
is more than i asked for
this was never a contest
and you are in no way a trophy
theres so many things i should have done with my life
i'll be in the grave before any motivation strikes

LIFE IS GOOD, AND THINGS ARE FINE

life is good and things are fine
i hold her hand, she barely holds mine
i never could think of anything to say
she says she loves me, swears she loves me
thats just her way

the air is always so cold
she kicks the blankets off, complains until its old
theres nothing wrong with the distance between our lives
she says she loves me, swears she loves me
its just a bad time

she doesnt smile and thats ok
i need some contact, she pushes me away
i dont mind though, i swear i dont feel a thing
she says she loves me, swears she loves me
it hurts my feelings

i am happy, i swear im happy with my life
she is talking, i am listening, never talking
she likes to put me down, she doesnt realize it
she says she loves me, swears she loves me
im alone in my life

NO CHANCE FOR US

Theres no chance for us
We might as well be floating down seperate currents of the same stream
Stretching our fingers, trying to touch each other
This wasnt meant to last
Its all in her eyes. Every way into my heart
Shes got it all right there in the way she looks at me
If i really could just get up and run away i would
Im terrified everytime she stares at me
I know better by now
I know a mistake when i see one
Even when it looks as good as that
Shes trouble wrapped in harmony
In a perfect world, there would be no distance between us
I look around and i see no perfection
I see the hope for us crumble to the ground
Its too hard
I dont want her to look at me like that anymore
Its not fair
Im trying to do good for her
But she keeps making it so hard
When she wraps her arms around me she never wants to let go
How am I supposed to let go
Im dying to find someone to ease the tension
Im just looking for a safe haven to rest my aching head
I see crossbones in the eyes of every woman
Trust is an old fossil by now
We'll find it one day digging up dinosaur bones

FOR ME

this is for me, for the things i endure
every minute of every single day
for the weight on my shoulders
for the knives in my back
for the scars on my precious heart
this is for me, for the legs that keep moving
and im still standing after all this time
for the callouses on my hands
for the bags under my eyes
for the sore muscles in my back

you'll have to kill me to stop me
i will not be broken down
i will not adapt
i will not adjust
i refuse to live for you

this is for me, for opening my eyes
for waking up everyday
for the aches in my joints
for the voice in my head
for the fact that im still breathing
this is for me, for the love still in my heart
i will always try again
for the dirt on my knees
for the tears in my eyes
for the maker in the sky

never give up

YOURE ALREADY DEAD

she fucks for fun, it makes her feel alive
youre already dead
youre already dead inside
your nothing special sweetheart, just another head turn from across the room
but you got a nice rack so you'll hold out for another few years
thats all you are
you in a nutshell
tossed around the room like a whiskey bottle
you might as well be, its all your good for anyway
and that makes me sadder than any unforgiving word you can spit my way
youre the saddest waste of life ive ever come across
it makes me feel stupid for having invested so much time into you
it makes all the years wasted, all in one shot
you could have used a knife and the damage would have meant something
but its just inside
right inside me, where you wanted it all along
so i play fool again
you play run away
and were back at square one
you should have saved me the trouble
you should have not let me care

SO MUCH FOR BEING YOUR FAVORITE

so much for being your favorite

god curse the fucking day i ever layed eyes on you
thank the fuck christ your gone
dripping with venom right down to the fucking roots
you have a real cool way of draining a mans soul
all my wits came back the day you left
this was never meant to live
but we all have to stop what were doing to consider your feelings
cause your only in it for yourself
the mirror doesnt reflect for you anymore
it must be so sad to not be able to feel anything
your heart beats irregular cause it wants to stop working
cause your dont deserve it
forget me, i dare you to try
werent expecting such a hard wall to climb were you
babe, ive slit prettier throats than yours
im not impressed
youre not what you think you are
and im telling the world

STILL DOING THIS

its funny how after all these years were still doing this
still cutting each others hearts out of our chests
the difference is its starting to hurt
to think i used to enjoy the pain
in any possible way i could get you
that was good enough for me
hello my name is james, and im addicted to her
the smell of her hair, the feel of her breath
the sting only lets me know im still alive
i try to convince myself but ive never been good at lying
im too nervous and jittery but she loves that about me
safe inside with the wolves at the door
build my house from brick and stone just to know i can be alone
theres no such thing as perfection for a wreck like me
never satisfied, all positives tossed aside
so i tell myself its me, accept what i cant change
how can i love her when i dont love myself
well its easy if you try, another voice inside my head replies
if we make it through the fog then we're gonna be alright
im always so scared of dying in the night
so i dont sleep hoping im not wasting away the little time i have
but everythings always such a waste
they should have given my time to someone else

FAREWELL MY CONCUBINE

*a song i wrote in a band i used to sing for. i listen to this song more than any other song on the record we recorded. it really hit a nerve for me, and these words flew out*



and i know too well what it is to ache
cause were only as strong as the bonds we break
i swear to god its your new hobby to lie to me
i feel like disappearing, but you dont see my anyway

were chewing our tongues to try not to speak

one more phone call
this is becoming
loud and clear but
youre not listening
i see no point in
trying to make things right
you had everything
you deserve nothing


you deserve this

youre gonna have to learn to live
with guilt

i want out
i wash my hands of this


boredom, it seems, will prevail
fortune forgot to smile down this time
and i let go


and we did nothing

i buried all my heroes
every dream
i awoke from

and i have nothing left to say
before the waves carry me away
i'll let you down so hard
stay angry with me

so whats the point in trying to figure it all out, anyway
you live life like a dog, expect to walk in shit

you should have been dead so long ago
im dressing the walls of this hole
i think now im learning to call it home

keep your head down, walk slowly
so rain wont hit your face
keep moving, dont look back
just walk away

My Father

my friend vera has degrees in psychiatry. funny thing is she works at a bank.

the point is she did a test on me once and had me draw a tree. i drew a fucked up scary looking tree. the one i used to draw all the time. kinda derived from the tree inside marilyn mansons "portrait of an american family" record. i drew a tree with a face and it had two limbs coming off of it but each limb was like arms and each had 3 fingers and it had two roots.

i dont exactly remember what she did but she looked at it and calculated something from it. all of a sudden she looks up at me and says to me "what happened to you when you were 8."

my heart fell into my stomach. in an instant i was 8 years old again, and i was failing school and starting to not get along with my mother. my father was gone for good from my so called family life, and that was the turning point where everything started to get shitty in my life.

its weird how we subconsciously carry things with us even though we dont really know it. no wonder i feel like shit all the time. just when i think im over it, my body reminds me.


we are set on self destruct.

its like were springing leaks from the inside and we spend our whole lives patching up the holes to survive, but what we end up with is a mess of patches and holes.



i like my father. hes a nice guy. he does things for me when i need them. other than that i dont really know him. i grew up without him. when i tried to go and live with him things were already changed. he didnt know how to raise a teenager because it didnt happen naturally for him like it was supposed to. i didnt know how to have a father in my life at that point. we never really clicked.

nowadays i dont see him all that often. i could say its because im too busy, and i sure am busy, but i could make the effort to go see him and i dont. i dont know what to say to him. i sit in uncomfortable silence watching the television, while his girlfriend talks a mile a minute and randomly inserts guilt about never coming to see them anymore. i look at my father and hes not even looking at me.

he made a comment to my sister about me not needing him. it hurt my feelings. but did it hurt my feelings because it wasnt true or because it was true. i dont really need him. ive gotten this far without him. hes never really been there. hes always been just off to the side as the last resort, or the fixer, or the gadget man. never someone i could talk to. never someone i could tell how i felt. never someone i could get an honest answer out of.

it saddens me in a way, cause no i dont need him. i wish i did need him. i wish i had a need for a father in my life.

i dont.

i wish i had a reason to go over there. i wish i had something to say to him.

i wish i didnt have to drag myself over there to get my time in so that they werent pissed off at me.

this was not my doing, so this should not be my fault. he fucked up by having kids with my mother. he fucked up when he couldnt make her happy. he fucked up for not trying hard enough. he fucked up for trying at all.

she fucked up for not trying to work anything out. she fucked up for never having any patience. she fucked up for throwing him away when things got to heavy. she fucked up for not being sure. she fucked up for having kids to young.

all that results is what follows.

we are divided because of them

my mother and my father made their own beds. they can lie in them.

we are the way we are because of their actions. they chose disfunction. they chose to have everything scattered. i will not feel guilty for things i do not feel for them any longer.

i will not do things the way they did.

i will find another way.

DOESNT MAKE IT BETTER

just because your clean about it doesnt make it better
not all wounds get infected
not all drug labs blow up
your just not the person i wish you were
and im underappreciated by you everyday
one day your gonna wake up and your gonna realize what ive been telling you all along
and theres no turning back
just because you can soap your pussy doesnt mean it washes out all the trash you've let slip between your legs
there are no heroes among whores
theres no such thing as a clean slut
youre just as worn out as the floor you last got fucked on
the only time life is worth living is when youre on your back
so you never caught a disease, your still disgusting
whos gonna be there for you when it all comes crashing down
so why would you do this to me
why would you throw it in my face
of all things i do for you
im never a part of your plan
im never a thought in your mind
this is never about us
its only about you
well what about me
i deserve more

BULLETS

bullets graze my back
im dodging the vein
hardening the arteries
in the event that everything should fall into place
take a deep breath and brace for impact
cause nothing that special could ever happen
in a life like ours

i bought a shotgun for the wolves at the door
they will never take me alive
knee deep in sweat
against the bed where we lay heavy burdens to rest
i just need a moment to breathe
and then im all set
im trudging through the muck looking for that little something
that little speck of something special to make everything worth while
and you'll all know when i find it
because nothing will be able to hold me back ever again
im a firm believer that im one of the few left
and i have a heart thats red and pure
and all it needs is a warm place to call home
and carve a notch for her inside to call her my own
i know heaven is out there and nothing here is real
now do you think you can imagine the way i feel
theres something in the air tonight
its getting hard to breathe
but i accept it and i roll with it
and i know theres something out there for me

SHE SMELLED LIKE ROSES

she always brought bad vibes
she was always full of venom
full of poison
but she smelled like roses
so i let her in
its the scent that gets you everytime
and the nightmare begins again
i invited unrest into my bed
and i layed down everynight and closed my eyes
i woke up with a hole in my heart
and a lung full of colored fluids
i didnt want to adress the issues
i didnt want to know about the lies she was hiding
she was stretched at the seems with so much dirt in her past
all that horror that she didnt want me to know about
i was her release valve
her way to try to escape all that pain
it was as if she was sinking in quicksand and she latched onto my neck
to try to pull herself out of the pain
i tried to help her
i tried to mend her wounds and carve a nice little place inside my heart for her
but wolves are wild animals at heart
and they will always bite the hand that feeds
they will always break out of their cages and run back into the night
to feed on innocent prey
to get sprayed by another skunk and come crawlng back to me to wash the sin off her soul
i was a lightbulb in a dark world
and she was the moth begging for light
just something to warm her cold soul
theres something broken inside of her
theres something missing in there
she will never be happy for the rest of her life
she thinks that somehow someone will fall into the gap between her legs
and it will be good enough for them to protect her for the rest of her life
she thinks that life works like that
she thinks reality is every man for themselves
she'd sell her mother out if it meant being comfortable for the rest of her life

i feel drained
life hasnt been the same since she took the essence away
i smelled the roses
her roses
her roses grew in a vase full of poison
and shes out there looking for the next victim
looking for that life to drain
cause she doesnt have anything left
except to take from other people

one day i'll get back what you took from me

and i will make you see the light

i will destroy you

THIS

wind on my face
the heat of the night isnt so bad right now
the toxins are releasing their grip on my body
and seeping out of my pores
the air is electric
my head is resting on its heart
listening to its pulse
i dont ever want to go home
home is where the hurt is
i can see the veins in my arms cracking
platelets of blood rush like powder into the air
i fall to my knees
whats left to lose
there is no going back
i spent my whole life only going half way
always scared of never being able to go back
now im out in the great wide open
and i have no choice
fear is not an option
its kill or be killed
im learning in leaps and bounds
im running on empty
and finding out that the tank wasnt as shallow as i was lead to believe
maybe the fluid didnt even need to be there at all
im gonna do what i want to do from now on
if i have to be quiet about that then i will
but this is for me
i dont do enough for myself
even though people would have me believe that i do
its always for everyone
this is my life
i need to take care of myself
from now on
im walking taller

this is for me

INK GOES IN

ink goes in
stays there forever
tattoo your pain
why do they always say 'tell me im dreaming'
when are you ever told you are dreaming, when you actually are?
im not dreaming
im wide awake
and its 5 in the morning
sleep wont come for another 3 to 5 hours
give or take
look what they make you give
look at what we take
all the blame
all the pressure to tighten the valves in my chest
the needle in the gauge bounces in the red, in unision with my pupils
this feeling never goes away
nothing ever goes away
it goes to visit relatives, but it always comes back
love is just something to write about in movies
its a depression era film
it doesnt exist
how can i believe in god when i dont believe in love
people say give it time, you need to heal
the thought makes my stomach turn
its like smelling alcohol after a night of drunken vomiting
well, you do drink again eventually
but not everybody
for some people thats all it takes
maybe im one of those people
who am i anyway?
i dont want to hurt
i dont want to hurt anyone else
she wants this
she wants me
i dont want this
i look at her and i see a beautiful person
everything in the world to live for
could be anything she wants to be
and for as long as my inside vibrated at the thought of her, now its different
now isnt then anymore
and i dont want her anymore
i dont want anybody anymore
what do i want?
what am i even doing?
i dont know.

FACE THE FACTS

im too stuck in this hole to even face the facts
chalk it up to being human if it helps you sleep at night
theres nothing better headed our way
so just fucking settle down
theres no such thing anymore as wasting time
you had your chance when you were sitting around being young with your friends
well youre grown up now and your ass hasnt moved from that chair
and im done being the scapegoat for everyones sad state of affairs
have the courage to take matters into your hands
or at least a gun
do it right or get the fuck out of the way
and dont act like you know me
after all these years you never got to know me
its much too late for that
my life is constantly falling apart like some shitty house i should never have bought
im walking around patching holes everyday
and i still feel like shit
every movement an ache, every muscle is sore
and i always end up right back on the floor
well fuck what they say i'll die alone and proud
cause ive never been good with other people around

KNIFE IN TEETH

knife in teeth i climb to the window
to cut love from throat to sternum
and make it eat its own heart
the redemptions in the details, baby!
youre nothing but a cloudy memory
my head so full of noise i couldnt see how terrible you were
but im out now, and the air of freedom never tasted so sweet
venom drips from between her legs
ive seen the way evil hides itself
i want you to know that im o.k.
life is so much better without you in it
all it took was a hospital visit and two bags of saline
but im walking on my own again
and youre nothing but a sore story
you cant help someone who wont see they need help
you cant tell a whore to close her legs
eventually the fire will burn
i'll watch it eat you whole
make some room in this world for good people

FUCK IT

id give up all i have just to get myself a handful of her fucking hair
and pull her goddamn face close to mine
and finally say something that makes her understand
to make her finally shut her fucking mouth and see the piece of shit she has become
its hard for her because it happened slow
she grew up with it
the bitterness made its mark and moved ever so slowly
till she cannot breathe without it
its like playing with a beaten dog
just when you think you've earned its trust
and you can let your guard down
it bites your hand and backs into a corner, baring its teeth
dont you ever just want to kick the fucking dog
her with the razor tongue
pissed off at me cause i got her all figured out
some people dont like when you look inside their heads
her life feels like shit to her but its comfortable where it is
she takes the only comfort she knows
and leaves it at that

A GUTTER WHERE IT USED TO BE

a broken down whore with a gutter where 'it' used to be
the last time she felt anything good was ages ago
i have no respect for people who lose themselves without having a good enough reason to be lost
you're just like the rest
and you could be something to be proud of
you were born with a chance to change
to roll your own dice, and make it work the way you wanted
all you needed was a little strength
but its easier to let go of a falling wall
and never try to learn how to rebuild it
i feel sorry for you
and i resent you for all the times you told me i was the one who needed change
and i believed you, because i loved you
i did my part
where are you
its your turn
you're off somewhere sleeping it off
walking the fine line between caring and not caring who you're waking up next to
or what you did with them the night before
do you make your parents proud?
is that the problem? that they never gave a shit enough to be proud?
that doesn't give you the right to waste away the things you were born with
a brain, a heart, lungs, life
fuck you for not overcoming
fuck you for never learning from your mistakes
fuck you for the lies you told so well, and i believed
oh i believed
you fought so hard to build your life so that you would never be on your own
and all the fighting just made you become the thing you were afraid of being
cold and alone, on your own
with no good ear to talk to, and no one left to trust
maybe that's not what you want out of life
maybe you just want to be unhappy
you're trying to make the fantasy into reality
that's what it looks like to me
i get it now
i got to close
you pushed me away cause i got to close to your secrets
and you don't want to change your ways
cause you love being the damaged little girl
hiding behind her beauty
i saw all your secrets
and they were nothing special
you're hiding fools gold
you traded me in for sand
it just slips through your fingers
while i was always something you could really hold on to
so since you seem to have it all right
you tell me how that's fair
you tell me how that's right
fuck you
forever

EVERYTHINGS A LIE

i think everything is a fucking lie
and i dont care if it hurts anyones feelings anymore
every angle i turn to shows another lie
ive been made to believe that everything i learned since childhood is true
and now i am a man, and im steadily learning they were lying the whole time
names with-held to protect the innocent
you dont protect shit
thats just what you tell youself to justify it
so, young fragile minds cant handle the truth huh?
have you ever given them a shot
or is it that its just easier to lie
im fucking done with the way things work in the so called world we live in
im doing things my fucking way from now on
and no one is standing in my way
i can feel everyone feeding off me
its like they are trying convince me that im not seeing what i think im seeing
thats not blood were sucking from your veins
youre at home, nice and peaceful
were not surrounding you, climbing over each other to get to you
this isnt real
this isnt happening
i found my own way of doing things
and it works so fucking well that people want to take a piece of my creation
so they try to weasel their way into me
get on my good side
you cant have it
its reserved for no one
this is mine. this is all for me
i found my own way
find your own

THE FAWN

i see what shes doing
and she doesnt think i see it
shes trying to play the game
and get under my skin
shes trying to bend my mind
to make me believe all her lies
i dont believe in anything, anymore
shes trying to make me stay away from people she feels is a threat
shes trying to stake her claim on my heart, on my dick, on my body
shes trying to make me feel like nothing will ever make me feel the way she makes me feel ever again
i dont believe those lies
now shes trying to run away to make me beg her to come back
and when i dont she'll chalk it up as my fault in her mind
i dont play games
i dont ruin lives
i live my own life, and if you want to come share some time with me
thats alright by me
but if you want to try to carve your name in my heart
thats where i draw the line
i am not a posession
im not something you can own
i dont belong to you
and your hands can touch me because i chose to let them
sure, you are smart
i cant tell that much
but your flaw is that you hate yourself
you dont accept yourself the way you are
you think youre terrible and that deters you from every doing anything worth anything
it keeps you down
keeps you......underground
ive done all i feel comfortable doing to try to tell you different
but i see now that you need to feel that way cause it validates the way you live
you love to be scared all the time
you love to fuck yourself over
so maybe you really are the terrible person you think you are
but the thing about it is...
you never were before
you convinced yourself that you were
so you fortified youself from an early age
and in doing so transformed yourself into the monster that you most feared to become
and you did it behind your own back
almost as if by accident
its too late now
youre the fawn with the broken leg
the terribly insecure
but a monster inside
because you can never really just switch it off can you
no, you dont want to
you dont want things this way
im not even gonna hold my breath
im not gonna shed a tear
i wont even have a stomach pain or two
im just gonna keep on keepin on like i always do
cause im over the whole "gettin over you" thing
my heart doesnt hurt for people anymore
if you think thats sad, well then i think youre sad
cause i dont need to hurt anymore
i dont need to hold on to my pain
i dont need to prove to myself that im worthless
i know what i am doing
and you'll just always be the fawn
laying in the field
with a broken leg

IM SAD FOR YOU

its a funny fact of life
how the people you once loved so deeply
can become something you regret even deeper
the ones that got away
the ones that don't shine
the ones that turned their lives into miserable frustration and disorder
drink from the bottle
pray it goes away
but never ever do anything to make it really better
how would you validate your existence without the pain
you don't even know how to breathe without it
if the sting isn't their, cant feel your lungs
she always tried to make me feel like an asshole
for not wanting to be a part of the wreckage
she just didn't want to be alone when she drove head first into the sun
she wanted to crash and burn together
to dual self destruct
where you see a dead end, i see a wall to scale
where you see a black hole, i reach for a shovel and start putting the dirt back in
where you see no hope, i see a need to look harder
and you're what? angry?
who are you really angry at?
you want things to bend to your will
and you can have that, that's not a problem
but you have to have the fortitude to bend things
not give up like a scared little girl
you're the greatest quitter
the worlds shining failure
you'll never be a star in the sky
just a smudge on the television screen
and i am sad for you
i am truly, deeply sad
when i think about you